A little advice from anyone who shares custody with an ex...

[JA1988]

I am due a little boy on the 6th jan, my first baby he was a bit of a surprise to say the least and I had only been with the father for a matter of months, he was completely against me keeping the baby and we split up. He then changed his mind and wanted to play a part in his child's life. Since then things have been VERY up and down which is too long a story to go into right now but one disagreement led to another, he was pushing for the baby to take his surname and only his which I was totally against as we are not in a relationship and the baby will be living with me, I offered double barrelled, he was having none of it etc etc, things got worse in our communications, his behaviour became very rude, he is often very derogatory when speaking to me so a few months back I told him that he was causing me unecessary stress during my pregnancy and that as such I would just contact him when the baby is born and THEN we can arrange visitation but not beforehand.
I didn't hear from him from august right through to november when his solicitors wrote to me, I haven't replied as of yet but I just wanted to know from everyone who currently shares custody with an ex partner, what is a typical visitation schedule like as I have no idea how much contact he expects to have or indeed how much I am expected to agree to, any advice would really be appreciated. xx

 

[lal]

I don't know what typical visitation is, but what I've been told here is that in the beginning (esp if you are breastfeeding), the father will have to visit LO at your home - I am trying to keep it that way for the first 6 mths...was going to try for a year but I don't think that will happen.

During those 6 months, I'm giving him 2X during the week to feed and put the baby to bed, and 1X on the weekend to visit/play with him. His schedule varies every week so he'll have to let me know the week before which nights/day.

After the 6 months, I'm thinking still 2X a week putting baby to bed at my house, then 1X on the weekend he can take the baby, 1-2 hours at first and gradually increasing until the baby is at least 2, hopefully 3, when overnight visits will start (at which point I'm hoping he'll see the baby 1-2X a week, take him to dinner or visit him at my house, and have him one night on the weekend, until the baby is 5 and we get to the every other weekend schedule most people here in US have).

I researched all of this online, most child psychologists recommend no overnight visits until age 3 but I think courts are apt to allow it before then, unfortunately.

That is my hope, we'll see what happens when the baby is here, whether he'll lose interest or fight for more/sooner visits...

 

[JA1988]

Thanks fo your advice hun, that's pretty much along the lines of what I was expecting, I guess seeing it in black and white just makes it all the more real as right now the idea of anyone taking my baby away from me for even just 1-2 hours makes me feel completely unsettled, I have no idea how I will cope when it gets to overnight visits

 

[andbabymakes3]

I share custody with my ex but we work it very differently.

From when Holly was around 8 months she has been spending two days/nights per week with her dad, at his house. It hurt me so much at first to not be with her, but it's worth it for the great relationship she has with her dad. She goes to his house at 4pm on tues, comes home 4pm weds - then each weekend she is either with him friday to sat or sat to sun.

We went back and forth about how to work it, spoke to child psych/paediatrician, etc, and we realised that the only way it would be a negative experience for her was if we allowed it to be. We replicated her bedroom in both houses, she had the same blanket, same bedtime music, same teddies. We followed the same routine and did everything pretty much the same as eachother.

Holly is now the brightest, happiest, most confident and social little girl I have ever known. Us sharing custody is in no way affecting her negatively. She is massively loved by both of us and we work together to make sure she is happy (even when we have issues, we resolve them by email so that she never sees/hears any atmosphere).