A rant

[madtowngirl]

I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with #2 a couple of weeks ago.

I wish I could be excited. The best I am getting at this point is getting myself to just live. But I've had to come off my antidepressants, and most days I'm like Jekyll and Hyde. Okay one minute, then a messy pile of hormones and tears the next.

After infertility and loss, we had my daughter. We had wanted 2 children when we got married, but after I had another loss in December of 2016, we decided we were basically done. I didn't want to go back to fertility treatments and I was tired of putting my body through miscarriage.

I didn't think I could get pregnant on my own, and based on when we had sex, I shouldn't have been able to get pregnant. So this is a huge shock. My betas looked alright, but honestly, every time I've been pregnant, my betas looked great. Then suddenly there was bleeding or an ultrasound with no baby in my uterus.

Tomorrow I'll be 6 weeks. So I'm not anywhere near being in the clear yet and it's too early to detect a heartbeat. So here I am again, in this damn limbo of "am I 'really' pregnant" for the 5th time. And it's at least another 2 weeks until the OB will see me. I hate this stage. I wish I could get excited and start planning for a live baby. Ugh.

Thanks for letting me rant.

 

[Hickory]

Sending hugs and sticky bean wishes to you! I'm so sorry about your previous losses.
Hang in there and keep venting and sharing your feelings! You'll get through this XX

 

[bdb84]

Wishing you the best.

 

[red_head]

I’m so sorry. I don’t think anyone gets what it’s like to be pregnant after losing a baby. It is the worst experience, and made so much worse by the fact that everyone expects you to be happy, so you then feel guilty on top! Are you getting extra support from the hospital?

 

[madtowngirl]

Thanks ladies.

Unfortunately red, I'm not getting extra support from the hospital. I'm not even really getting extra support from my OB, which is kind of frustrating. Her triage nurse is the one who has been most supportive, although if I call and get a different nurse, I've gotten "why are we doing this?" comments. Um, because I have like a 60% chance of miscarrying again? Wtf? As much as I respect medical professionals, some of them really could use a few courses in empathy.