A Single Father Fighting for His Daughter!

[scottishgal89]

You talk about the rights of the fathers and how they should be allowed over night stays when the baby is between 0-6months, maybe you should ask the single mums on here how they would feel about it, im sure they would not be so agreeable, especially when you have not carried your child for 9months been through the worry of something happening and the going through labour, then after all this you are expecting your ex to bend over backwards so that you can have your baby over night when your baby is so young. If my husband and i should divorce before my child is born then he most certainly wont be having him over night so early on and thats not out of spite, its more out of concern for the childs welfare. Unless you have a reasonable agreed schedule then its not going to work.

By expecting the law to change for fathers then it will leave a lot of single mums in a very awkward positions, the law is there to protect the child and mothers and fathers rights are secondary.

What would you expect mothers who are breastfeeding to do?

Im aware that there are some single mothers who will use their children to punish the fathers, but you must understand that not all single mums are like that, and you must be aware that there are thousands of fathers who really couldnt care less about providing for their children leaving the mothers to have to do things on her own.

couldnt have said it better myself

 

[genkigemini]

I agree with someone earlier who said to get the local media involved. You obvious are an intelligent man and word things properly. If you could get your story out, maybe you could raise awareness not only of your own situation but help other men who might be in similar situations.

I have seem my sister screw around with the 3 Dads of her three until 2 of the 3 won custody from her for various reasons and I find it so sad that a lot off places just assume a child is best off with their mother because they are the mother. I completely disagree.

I wish you luck!

 

[MissEfendi]

I can understand the OP posts but you have to bear in mind that he is in the minority, and personally I would not want it made easier for men to see their kids because it means that more children will be put at risk. This is about the children at the end of the day, and there are many many many single mums who have had horrible relationships with the father of their children, this can be mental, verbal or physical abuse, often in front of the children also. Making it easier for fathers to have access would just open up a whole can of worms because right now, dads CAN have access if they are willing to fight, it might be long and lengthy but it is possible. It also helps weed out the good from the bad, in that most controlling exes will give up, whereas a decent dad who will fight to the death for his child will never give up.

I personally do not think it is right for babies to have overnight access with the dads if the mums are not ok with it, it is alright saying split the time half half, but life is not half half, it is not perfect like that, it is disruptive, and you can disagree with me here, but when babies are young, it can never be equal rights, I know for a fact that I became a mother from the moment I became pregnant, I had to eat the right food, look after myself, attend hospital appointments etc, all because I was nursing a life inside me, I was protecting this life, and I was ensuring no harm came to the baby I was carrying. I had to give up coffee, certain food, fizzy drinks and so on. Then I had to go through the most horrible labour ever, it was awful, hormones are everywhere, the body goes through major changes, 8 months on I am still recovering from the trauma of labour, then I had to breastfeed, again nourishing my baby and looking after him, still unable to eat and drink the things I like and in just 8 months of breastfeeding, I need 4 fillings because breastfeeding is taking all the goodness out of my body, tell me a father who can do all of this? if they did they certainly would not be demanding equal rights when a baby is so young!
I physically cannot bear to be apart from my son, I know him, I carried him, we co sleep, I feed him, it is a proven fact also that babies think they are part of their mums, they do not see themselves as separate people, hence when they realise that they are separate , they go through separation anxiety, which is why overnight visitation is not recommended until after around 2 years of age. Mummies heartbeat and voice is usually what they hear for nine months in the womb.
It is only with formula, paternity, women now going to work and such that fathers take a bigger role in their babies lives, but generally women naturally because they carry the babies and usually breastfeeds them were the main carers. No offence but who has heard of fatherly instincts? You hear so much of mother instincts and it is so right! I have a sixth sense with my son, my ex would think he is fine, but I would just 'know' when something is not right, which resulted in us going to hospital after my son was extremely ill despite the doctors and HV telling me it was a bit of wind! ( turns out to be a serious infection).
Whilst he is a baby, I KNOW best for my son, and I would not trust him with anyone, not even my nearest and dearest, because whilst he has no voice, and he thinks he is part of his mummy, I am his voice, and I know what makes him happy and sad.
There will come a point in life, when he will want more than mummy and that is when daddy comes in and daddy can do all the daddy things. Usually from 3 onwards.

I think being shoved from two homes at a young age has no benefit, all it does it make the father feel better that he has some control and feels he is being a great dad because he has baby for x amount of time, but I honestly see no benefit in it whilst baby is young, When they are older, they find it fun, and will enjoy the change and quality time with mummy and daddy, but as babies? no.

It would be nice in an ideal world to have mummy and daddy living together and thus bath times, bed times, etc is shared by both, but when you are a single mum or single dad, there is no ideal solution, fact is, we live apart from the ex, and the baby has a primary carer and needs to have routine, and stability there, and be with mummy, whilst seeing daddy as much as mummy is happy with ( and usually if daddy is a good person any decent mum would welcome this) then as baby gets older, then it gets easier and no doubt mummy would want a break anyway and probably would welcome overnight visitation.

What i don't like is all fathers demanding equal rights in the sense that they can just turn up when they want, make demands when they want, presume it is fine to have baby overnight, take them abroad on holiday at such a young age, expose them to so many changes at a young age, where they have no voice, cannot speak and whilst learning about the world and themselves are also trying to get used to two different homes , two different set of families, probably two different ways of parenting etc. It is a lot of demand on a baby. My mum was a single mum, and my dad tried bless him, but I know he was not nice to my mum and my mum never said a bad word about him, but I honestly wished he left us alone, I hated the disruption it caused in my life. I hated the stress he put my mum under, the demands he made, and the blame he placed on my mum when I know for a fact my mum struggled, it is not easy being a single mum, having no help, having to do it all by yourself. I hear my friends moaning about their husband, but least they have help on hand.
My ex is controlling, his mother is controlling, he shouts at me in front of our son, he is abusive, but he will still make demands that he should have as much right as me to our son, whereas as far as I am concerned, the moment you shout at me in fron of our son, play games, lies etc, you no longer put our son's welfare first, so you do not deserve equal rights. My son is happy and bubbly, but when he sees his father, he is sombre and clingy to me.
So I am sorry but I do not think ALL fathers should have equal rights and easier access to their child. I do not believe any father is better than no father.
It is better in my opinion to have one single parent giving all their love, doing the best they can and providing a secure upbringing, then two parents, who stress each other, argue, etc, as the child will only be miserable trying to please both parent and feel to blame for both their parents unhappiness.

It is about what is best for the child, sometimes that means just one parent in its life, if you are a decent father, then of course you deserve to be in your child life.
There is also two sides to every story, I am sure my ex is having everyone feeling sorry for him about not seeing his son, but sadly I am sure he only gives his fake version of why that is. I dread the day he ever takes me to court, because sadly I know for a fact, that our son will not be benefiting from him. I hate the motto that just because a man is horrible to his ex does not mean he cannot be a decent father...you are either decent or not, you don't chop and change by being nasty and horrible to one person but then being able to be a good role model and upstanding person to your kid...that is called split personality to me!!

Furthermore all these stories of dads taking revenge is pretty scary!! For a man to lose control, it is a pretty tough thing.

There is never going to be a perfect solution when it comes to access and kids. The main thing is to minimize the risk to the important person in all of this...the children.

PS I urge you to google Family court, children at risk, I would hate us to go down that road!! Where our courts in order to give father equal rights just let all fathers get rights despite putting the children at risk. Prime example would be my friend also has an 8 months old son, her ex has hit her whilst she was holding the son, threatened to take him away, and so on, well they went court, she denied him access, he got supervised access in a contact centre, now all he has to do is turn up for six months then he gets unsupervised access...what signals does that send out? 6 months for him to become a better man? this is the man who put his son at risk by whacking his son's mother more than once whilst she was holding him, and in six months, he will get him unsupervised, that little boy is not safe, but because the courts do not want to be bias, they are giving more and more dads access, personally he should be made to attend anger management, and have supervised access for a few years until the little boy is old enough to speak so that if the dad does abuse him , the little boy can say so.

If you see the NSPCC website, some children has died as a result of access to their fathers. Sorry but no no no no to making it more easier for ALL fathers to access their children despite their bad behaviours.

 

[scottishgal89]

i agree about things not being easier for dads to get access. not a good idea! to be honest my ex would get contact even though he was violent and i think thats wrong on so many levels to put a baby in that situation
i also agree with mothers instinct. my lo started having seizures at 7weeks old. fob didnt see this as a big deal- apparently some babies just do that and he got annoyed at me for being upset. turns out she has life threatening epilepsy. mother instincts are right because we connect with lo on a different level and they need us there.
if i could stop it i would NEVER allow my lo to be with fob overnight or even without me there. preferably not at all but...we'll see.
some men lie to try and get what they want and manipulate, threaten and abuse and its not right. those babies need protected as they cannot protect themselves.
MissEfendi well done for the long response i agree with what you have said. i am fighting to keep my little one safe under similar circumstances

 

[lou_w34]

Well said missefendi

 

[daniellelk]

I don't want to start a argue ment or debate here but I disagree with SOME of what missefendi has said.
Fair enough Im not a mother yet.

Tho I have a few FAMILY member's who are single mum's and TBH Iv contemplated ringing the social service's on them my self, as I feel there children would have a much better up bringing with their fathers.
For example, one of my cousin's has 3 daughter's not one see's any of their dad's. The eldest of the daughter's dad I know is a fairly decent man, and would make a great dad. Tho the mother never allowed him access and turned her eldest daughter against him to the point now if she see's him in the street she goes the opposite way.
Anyway the eldest daughter is more like the MOTHER to the youngest two, she changed them when they was babies and nappies needed changing, she made their bottles, etc.
What was her mum doing? Sat in the chair watching TV ignoring the kid's, smoking her fag's and by tea time cracking open a good can. If the eldest had been allowed contact with her dad at least she would have had a brake from being the "mother" of the youngest.

You need to remember in some case's the child being with the mother is not all way's the better option. Maybe the majority of the time, but not always.

Like I said not wanting to start a arguement, or debate or anything, just wanted to say that it isn't always the best thing for the child.

 

[scottishgal89]

I don't want to start a argue ment or debate here but I disagree with SOME of what missefendi has said.
Fair enough Im not a mother yet.

Tho I have a few FAMILY member's who are single mum's and TBH Iv contemplated ringing the social service's on them my self, as I feel there children would have a much better up bringing with their fathers.
For example, one of my cousin's has 3 daughter's not one see's any of their dad's. The eldest of the daughter's dad I know is a fairly decent man, and would make a great dad. Tho the mother never allowed him access and turned her eldest daughter against him to the point now if she see's him in the street she goes the opposite way.
Anyway the eldest daughter is more like the MOTHER to the youngest two, she changed them when they was babies and nappies needed changing, she made their bottles, etc.
What was her mum doing? Sat in the chair watching TV ignoring the kid's, smoking her fag's and by tea time cracking open a good can. If the eldest had been allowed contact with her dad at least she would have had a brake from being the "mother" of the youngest.

You need to remember in some case's the child being with the mother is not all way's the better option. Maybe the majority of the time, but not always.

Like I said not wanting to start a arguement, or debate or anything, just wanted to say that it isn't always the best thing for the child.

i think that just shows that everyones situation is different.
i see what your saying- their 'mother' obviously isnt interested which is a shame really.
most of us just want to do best by our lo and even though some men arent great dads or nice people, some women are the same.
its really sad.

 

[MissEfendi]

I don't mean ALL mums are great, of course some are not, and if they are proven to be unfit they will lose custody anyway.
This thread is about making access easier for fathers, my arguments is against this, because fathers can get PR and access to their children if they go to court anyway, so by making it easier, it will just mean a lot of children will be at risk from fathers who have abused their mothers and so on, I dont believe that someone who is capable of being abuse is suddenly going to be able to control their anger with their kids.

I would hope that the mothers are are unfit are in the minority. I have seen many many many abuses, drug taking, fathers not making much effort with their kids, going on, I am a product of a single mother myself, so I have been in that situationa as well being a single mum myself. My emphasis is that it should not be that all fathers have exactly the same powers as any decent mum, but then as I said any decent mum who has decent fathers would not usually stop access, so you have to wonder what is going on that we dont know? I only know my story and the others I have come into contact with stories.

 

[daniellelk]

Maybe it should just be that fathers should have more "check's" on them so to say before being handed contact to there children, not it necessarily made harder.
Maybe have social service's come to their home's and access their home life, not just in a environment they choose for supervised access.

My OH is fighting to see his daughter and it's proving a pretty tough task tbh it's not nessercerily as easy as a single mother may feel it is.
I have no doubt his EX is sat thinking that he is getting it easy, as in her eye's he as no worry, but he does, it's affecting him a great deal having to go through solicitor's and courts (when it come's to that). To the point where I'm having to encourage him not to give up. Not that he want's to give up, he'd do anything to see his daughter, just the way it is having to go that's pulling him down and proving not so easy.

 

[scottishgal89]

Maybe it should just be that fathers should have more "check's" on them so to say before being handed contact to there children, not it necessarily made harder.
Maybe have social service's come to their home's and access their home life, not just in a environment they choose for supervised access.
My OH is fighting to see his daughter and it's proving a pretty tough task tbh it's not nessercerily as easy as a single mother may feel it is.
I have no doubt his EX is sat thinking that he is getting it easy, as in her eye's he as no worry, but he does, it's affecting him a great deal having to go through solicitor's and courts (when it come's to that). To the point where I'm having to encourage him not to give up. Not that he want's to give up, he'd do anything to see his daughter, just the way it is having to go that's pulling him down and proving not so easy.

i dont think thats accurate either to be honest.
anyone can lie and put on a show.
my ex is lying threw a lawyer at the moment and will lie in court.
he and his family can easily put on a front for a few hours to make sure he gets access.
he didnt abuse me in front of anyone.
they're more clever than that.
some mothers have the police involved and fathers who will still manage to get contact. to be honest i dont think the system is strict enough.
any male or female with a violent and aggressive, irratic, unpredictable and dangerous personality should not be allowed any access to their child.
thats my opinion being in my situation though

 

[daniellelk]

i dont think thats accurate either to be honest.
anyone can lie and put on a show.
my ex is lying threw a lawyer at the moment and will lie in court.
he and his family can easily put on a front for a few hours to make sure he gets access.
he didnt abuse me in front of anyone.
they're more clever than that.
some mothers have the police involved and fathers who will still manage to get contact. to be honest i dont think the system is strict enough.
any male or female with a violent and aggressive, irratic, unpredictable and dangerous personality should not be allowed any access to their child.
thats my opinion being in my situation though

And also mothers can put on a "show" back to my cousin for example.
Someone told her a neighbour had grassed her up to social service's (when she just had the eldest 2)
She got her house spotless, not a beer can in site. Played the perfect doting mother when they turned up. Until of course they left, then she turned back in to what she was.
I don't go any more or infact see her or the kid's, I stood up to her and told her what I thought of her, and I dread to think what the house or the children's life's are like now.
She infact has hit her own sister while her sister had one of her own daughters on her knee, and they've ended up having a full blown scrap on the front lawn infront of their kid's and others from the street.

Again just putting across it can be bad on both side's

I hold my hand's up to single mother's I could never imagine having to be a single mum, Id never cope.
Tho SOME men should be given more credit on being a dad and not just seen as let's say in my OH's ex's words a "sperm donor"

 

[daniellelk]

Im off anyway, don't want a debate or arguement to start in this thread.
Plus i'm pretty tired and had a hard day and (I hold my hand's up), can get pretty argumentative and ratty when Iv had a day like today.
Night. Good Luck to post writer.

 

[MissEfendi]

Scottishgal is right, the majority of men in the UK get access now despite being violent towards the mum, taking drugs and so on, they give them supervised access but it is only for six months then they are allowed unsupervised access. Not good, and not safe as far as I am concerned. As I said my friend proved today by going to court to deny access and her ex has been given supervised access. I think it is shocking. He only has to turn up for six months and be on his best behaviour for an hour once a week and then he can take the kid out and do what he wants. How is that protecting the kids welfare?
Some of these men are smart, in fact most abusive men are smart, they have to be, because that is how they trap women into abusive relationships, they are usually likeable, friendly and charming and they are not stupid enough to show their true sides to people, my ex fooled me, I thought I was smart but until you are in the situation it is hard to see what it can be like.
Its a bit like getting married, you promise to love each other forever, you think you will stay together forever, then something happened, and the marriage is over and then you end up having a nasty horrible bitter divorce. You cannot forsee all these things when you are in love, it takes for a baby to come and a break up to happen, for a divorce etc to bring out all these nasty horrible sides to some people. Sometimes having a baby like in my case wakes you up to who the person really is.

As I was bought up in a single family I always said that I wanted my kid to be able to see his dad and I would never stand in the way, but sadly after being a mum and my ex behaviour, you are torn between wanting the dad to be there because it would be so lovely for them to have mummy and daddy around and everyone be a big happy family, to listening to your motherly instincts and having to put your baby;s welfare first. A judge does not know our exes, we do, we lived with them, had a baby for them, so we know them. I seriously doubt that most mums would refuse a decent man who is a good man to help out with the baby, after all us mums are human and we needs breaks also and someone to share the load, we want to share all the milestones with their father as they are supposed to be the person who loves their kid as much as we do, but when they are controlling, dangerous, trying to pull rank, thinking equal rights means saying they want to see them there and then and if we say we have plans then calling us names because we are being difficult, and the babies sensing all the stress and being upset...what is the right thing to do? what is the alternative?
I know I never thanked my dad for being around, I know he hit my mum, I know he was verbally abusive, I might have been young, but I still had eyes and ears, I still knew what was going on, and it did affect me, because I should never have seen my mum like that, scared and worried, even though he never hit me.

Its a hard one, you just cannot undo the damage to these kids.
I am also a nanny so I come across and work with lots of kids.

This is not about mothers vs fathers, as I said, unfit mothers should definitely not have custody of their kids. All kids deserve a decent dad, my argument is, I believe there are a lot more dads that are not decent then there is decent fathers and I do not want to make it easier for them to have access, because trust me, if they are on legal aid, they would fight and fight just to be controlling and just because they can, in order to get at the mother.

 

[AppleBlossom]

I have't read all the replies thouroughly but here's my two cents worth. I think it's great you are fighting to see your child, so many men just give in these days. However, from a mum's point of view, it is unfair to try and request overnight contact, especially as you are new in her life. My FOB is a pain in the arse and always wants his own way. When Grace was born he did nothing to help out. He rarely changed a nappy. And he never gave her a bath, a bottle, never got up with her in the night, refused to feed her when she was weaning... she is now 22 months old. She sees him one day at the weekend. He lives locally and he brings her back just before bedtime. I asked him would he mind bathing her and getting her ready for bed before he brought her back. He refused. In my eyes, he knows nothing about caring for a child of any age. He stretches to changing nappies because he has too. But other than that all he will do is take her out places but the "boring stuff" is down to me. He wants to take me to court over having overnight contact. And I refuse to give it to him. Because how do I know she is being properly taken care of when he did nothing when there was two of us and still refuses to do anything like that now? The answer is, I don't. And until he can prove to me otherwise that he is capable, he will not be having her overnight, period. As well as that, I'm uncomfortable not having her here at night which is why I only ever go out very rarely. All I'm saying is you might want to take things a little slower

 

[scottishgal89]

i totally agree with what you said missefendi.
its sick what they would do.
i also had the same attitude- my dad had been abusive towards my brother and me and i wanted lo's dad to be there because my dad eventually wasnt but when it actually came down to it i had to stop his access cause it was having a HUGE emotional effect on us both even though she was young.

its just really sad because we're talking about men who dont deserve to be dads and the man who posted this thread seems like a genuine person who wants to be involved with his little girl. well saying the good guys lose out and the idiots manage to win. in my opinion the system is a joke and very unfair! i dont know what measures should be taken really but something should be done about that

 

[MissEfendi]

Bexy,

You kind of hit the nail on the head. Us mums are pretty protective over our babies, when we are single mums, we naturally dont live with the ex, so we do the usual day to day care for baby, and in return we are wary of trusting anyone else with the most precious thing we have bought into this world with anyone, including the father ( as most relationships dont usually end on good terms!) so of course we adopt the better safe than sorry mode, and until they prove they are very capable we will think otherwise.

I think if a lot of men stop making demands as in " I want overnight visitation/ take LO abroad, have LO three times during week etc" most mum would not go on the defence and feel as if the ex is throwing his weight around and making demands. I know a lot of mummies who are happily married who still did not trust their husbands completely with the babies, it is just the way some of us mums are. So the best thing to do is just be there, offer support, don;t make demands and in time she will see you there are trustworthy, good with baby, you dont question her as a mother, or cause her stress, and then I would be very surprised if they dont hand you more control over baby!
I know if my ex would just stop being so abusive, stop saying he wants this, that and the other, stop questioning me, and so on, and just turned up when he is supposed to, focus purely on baby instead of asking me questions and causing arguments, that maybe in time he would have won my trust when I see his has the ability to be a decent dad, because i look at my son every day and he deserves the best mum and the best dad in he can have. I want that for him. I am sure MOST of us mums do. Just a shame most men either dont bother with their little ones, wants too much too soon, makes too much demands, expects too much, or are the ones who are abusive and just wants the control and to get back at us.

Rome was not built in a day, sometimes us mum just needs to see we can trust you before we hand over a lot more control such as overnight visitation. Anyone who goes storming in and asks for overnight visitation at such an early age ( and when most of us mums are very hormonal) is just going to risk getting on the wrong side of mummy!

 

[AppleBlossom]

Just to add, my ex is now gay and living with his partner... so not only did he lie to me the entire time, he was cheating on mewith several men AND also abusing me mentally and sometimes physically. I don't trust him as far as I could throw him, especially with the most precious thing in my life. I don;t deny him access because it's not right for me to play God with Grace's life. But overnight is a no no until I know for certain she is going to be looked after properly. But that isn't possible without supervised contact which my ex would never ever agree too (he wouldn't want his pride dented) and the only way I can really know is when Grace can communicate better with me and tell me herself

 

[MissEfendi]

I am the same Bexy, when my son is say 3 or 4, I would feel much better because I know if he is not having a nice time or if daddy is shouting at him, he can tell me and I can take action, but when they do not talk...well it is such a risk to take when the experience you have had of the ex is abuse...it does not bode well does it?

Scottishgal, someone is always going to lose out whichever way the system is, innocent people go to jail, guilty people get let off, you only have to watch the news and open a newspaper to see all the injustice that goes on in the world. Hence I would prefer it would not made much easier for access to be gained by ALL fathers. It would be wonderful if all the decent fathers could be around, but I think any decent father will be around, because he will take any access he can, he will be around and ignore the mother simply because he is hanging in there in the hope that he knows one day his child will get older, and will be vocal and thus will be able to say they want to spend more time with daddy, and no mother can go against that, because a court will take into consideration the child's wishes, but hopefully with just the father being around and not rocking the boat, the mother will naturally in time hand over more control anyway but the original poster daughter is only four months old, still very very young. My son is 8 months, I still cannot bear to leave him, I would not let anyone have him overnight. He is still a baby. Is a few years of taking all the visits they can, hanging in there until baby is three too much to ask for? or the alternative of having a free for all that all fathers only needs to turn up once a week to a contact centre for a few months, smile at the social worker, tickle the baby and make him/her laugh and then have unsupervised access and God knows what will be going on behind closed doors?

 

[scottishgal89]

just to point out- even though fob was abusive and things the main reason he has no contact is because lo is seriously ill and its not possible. then theres the stressing and upsetting and harassing me during such a heartbreaking time and then theres the aggression, violence etc.
just wanted to say that incase someone quoted me and said i was being unreasonable because there were lots of reasons for my decision

 

[scottishgal89]

i feel the same.
id be so scared he hurt her, neglected her, left her crying, according to him a dirty nappy doesnt need changed right away, stupid stuff like that- none of which id do.
i never thought about it from the no justice ever, sorry im half asleep.
i couldnt bare for lo to be away from me either. my mum had her and i tried to go on a night out, ended up at my mums door at 3am wanting to see lo cause i was upset. its hard even if you dont have the added worry of whats going on.
he was weird about changing a nappy because shes a girl. whats that all about?