A terribly impatient and intolerant mother not worthy of her kids

[mumspider]

I am not talking about the mother I see taking her kids to school or the mother I saw at the supermarket this morning. I am talking about me.

My childhood was mostly unhappy with an abusive mother who did her best, but wasn't particularly happy about parental tasks. My father left when I was 2.

Fast forward 30 or so years and I have two beautiful kids. The problem is me. Although I received counselling when I was a teenager, I promised myself that I wouldn't be like my own mother. But in recent years I find myself doing the same things. I'm so critical of my kids, I don't let them have fun as I am always worrying about them hurting themselves or breaking things. I tell myself ALL the time that they are just kids and this is what kids do.

Today, my DD who is 6 starting sharpening her pencils (because she just likes to). My other DD who is 4 was standing next to her and I started getting annoyed about the shavings falling all over the place and poking them. I mean, wtf??!!

This is typically what I get annoyed about:

- they drop their food everywhere when eating (not really their fault as they're young).
- they fuss over eating (the list of their dislikes is astounding).
- they jump on me or push against me when we're on the sofa.
- they don't do things fast enough (my weird impatience). My youngest takes forever to eat breakfast in the morning, even though we give her tons of time. Then she doesn't want to eat it because it's soggy/cold etc)
- they talk so loudly at me and each other.

The list goes on, but these aren't bad things. These are kids for Christ's sake. What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can't I show my kids I love them by stop not picking at them all the time?

We have moments where we cuddle and play and those times are really lovely, but then something will happen and I'll get annoyed and their faces fall because mummy's annoyed again.

I wanted to have kids and I love them so much. Why am I getting like this?

I really despise myself. I am not worthy of them

 

[swedengirl]

Hey lovely!

I'm sure you're a great mother doing her best. The fact you have insight into the idea that these are not ideal reactions to kids behaviour speaks bucket loads.
I don't have children. I'm currently pregnant with my first so cannot offer much advice. But came across your post in the new posts sections and didn't want to read and run.
Coincidentally I read an article about a mother who developed a trick for situations when she was impatient and lost her temper. It's based on scientific research and is very very simple. It's called the 5 hairband trick. Here is an article on it and maybe it's a proactive way to make changes:
https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/p...s/news-story/2c05a9bd227eaff44b2165a1ab9a61df

Might not be anything for you but the article popped into my head whilst I was reading your post. Good luck and try not to be too hard on yourself!

 

[maryanne1987]

My heart broke when I was reading this. Please you must stop being so hard on yourself. You are worthy of your children and to them I'm sure you are perfect. You are not a bad mother as you want to change for your children, a bad mother wouldn't care about the affect their behaviour was having on the children.

Honestly all mums lose their s*** sometimes. It can be over something silly, something that when you look back on you realise wasn't such a big deal but it does happen. The main thing is communication, if you look back and realise you are a little harsh just talk to them. Explain mummy was a little tired, stressed etc and that she didn't mean to snap at you.

Have you thought about a little more counciling? It sounds like Like it may be benificial to you now to address your feelings since having children. I grew up with abusive parents and although I've had counciling I occasionally need a few more appointments. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes scars run deeper than we think.

 

[SucreK]

Oh honey, I wish I could give you a big hug. This is not your fault. It is (as you totally know) not your kids' faults. You are the product of your upbringing and you are rightly trying to give your children a very different start. Please consider counseling again, specifically EMDR counseling for PTSD. Trauma does not have to be a car accident or an attack. But it is insidious and can affect areas of your life that you might not imagine.

Also, I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Waking-Tiger...6845453&sr=8-1&keywords=waking+the+tiger+book.

You are a great mom.

 

[Wannabe Mommy]

The fact that you care and have the desire to do better means you are not a bad mum. All kids can be annoying and we all get impatient sometimes.

1 trick I've learned over the last few months is how much better my LG responds if I give her some of my time. It actually makes everything quicker because she's in a better mood and more responsive.

Eg. If I rush her to get up in the mornin, get dressed, eat breakfast we have dawdling, tantrums, indecision.

If I go into her room, spend 5 mins cuddling, saying good morning and just having a nice moment then she picks her clothes, gets dressed, eats nicely......

 

[mumspider]

Hey lovely!

I'm sure you're a great mother doing her best. The fact you have insight into the idea that these are not ideal reactions to kids behaviour speaks bucket loads.
I don't have children. I'm currently pregnant with my first so cannot offer much advice. But came across your post in the new posts sections and didn't want to read and run.
Coincidentally I read an article about a mother who developed a trick for situations when she was impatient and lost her temper. It's based on scientific research and is very very simple. It's called the 5 hairband trick. Here is an article on it and maybe it's a proactive way to make changes:
https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/p...s/news-story/2c05a9bd227eaff44b2165a1ab9a61df

Might not be anything for you but the article popped into my head whilst I was reading your post. Good luck and try not to be too hard on yourself!

Hey there. Thanks for your message. I did read this article - thanks for reminding me. My problem is not specifically about shouting at them, which I rarely do. It's more about the critical things I say and the anxiety I am probably projecting onto them. For example, my youngest usually wants me to go with her to the toilet, but when I do, I get wound up about the way she does things that I would consider unhygienic. It's like something takes over me and I can't stop it. I don't get overly mad, but I keep making comments like 'don't touch this' or 'don't touch that'.

 

[mumspider]

My heart broke when I was reading this. Please you must stop being so hard on yourself. You are worthy of your children and to them I'm sure you are perfect. You are not a bad mother as you want to change for your children, a bad mother wouldn't care about the affect their behaviour was having on the children.

Honestly all mums lose their s*** sometimes. It can be over something silly, something that when you look back on you realise wasn't such a big deal but it does happen. The main thing is communication, if you look back and realise you are a little harsh just talk to them. Explain mummy was a little tired, stressed etc and that she didn't mean to snap at you.

Have you thought about a little more counciling? It sounds like Like it may be benificial to you now to address your feelings since having children. I grew up with abusive parents and although I've had counciling I occasionally need a few more appointments. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes scars run deeper than we think.

Thank you. I think you may be right, maybe more counselling. I just feel like I went through all of that when I was younger. Do you ever feel you are being verbally abusive like your parents were to you?

 

[mumspider]

Oh honey, I wish I could give you a big hug. This is not your fault. It is (as you totally know) not your kids' faults. You are the product of your upbringing and you are rightly trying to give your children a very different start. Please consider counseling again, specifically EMDR counseling for PTSD. Trauma does not have to be a car accident or an attack. But it is insidious and can affect areas of your life that you might not imagine.

Also, I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Waking-Tiger...6845453&sr=8-1&keywords=waking+the+tiger+book.

You are a great mom.

Thank you very much. I will have a look at the book. I definitely need to do something and I'll try anything now.

 

[mumspider]

The fact that you care and have the desire to do better means you are not a bad mum. All kids can be annoying and we all get impatient sometimes.

1 trick I've learned over the last few months is how much better my LG responds if I give her some of my time. It actually makes everything quicker because she's in a better mood and more responsive.

Eg. If I rush her to get up in the mornin, get dressed, eat breakfast we have dawdling, tantrums, indecision.

If I go into her room, spend 5 mins cuddling, saying good morning and just having a nice moment then she picks her clothes, gets dressed, eats nicely......

I think you may be right here. I remember one time my youngest was playing up and I spent the next few days being really calm and attentive. Her attitude really changed. What worries me is that I had to actively make myself be interested in playing etc. It doesn't come naturally to me. I do like this idea though. I'll give it a try.

How do you handle things when your kids don't listen and continue to do things you ask them not to do? Do you do time outs?

 

[maryanne1987]

No it don't but my upbringing pushed me into being over attentive with my children. Which in ways is just as bad as can be clingy and very overprotective but there's no rights or wrongs. I am making an effort to change that though and have sought treatment for PTSD and anxiety. If I don't do it now I never will and then the cycle will start again with my children having issues from their upbringing and that's my biggest fear.

 

[abitnervous]

Hi.

I really recommend for you to read Parenting from the Inside Out. It does sound like some of the issues you had growing up may be in play bringing up your own children. It's half the work that you realize it. Nothing is set in stone and you can make changes. I think you'll find the book interesting, helpful, reassuring.

To me it doesn't sound like you're a terrible mother at all, but we could all do better. You definately shouldn't despise yourself!

Xx

 

[sequeena]

You're describing me perfectly. I think it's because we are so desperate to not be like our mother's that we are so critical of ourselves. You're a great mother. If you think it may help may be try some more counselling.

I do lose patience faster than I think I should, especially with a child who has special needs. Every time I lose patience I feel terrible. I'm trying very hard to count to 10 and let the small things go. It can be really difficult when Thomas is repeating the same stuff over and over or will only play with me if we do exactly what he wants. If I try to change a game he gets very upset.

I should also add I've been diagnosed with postnatal OCD so I find it really difficult to allow Thomas to explore etc because of my anxiety. I'm trying really hard to work on this without using medication.

 

[mumspider]

You're describing me perfectly. I think it's because we are so desperate to not be like our mother's that we are so critical of ourselves. You're a great mother. If you think it may help may be try some more counselling.

I do lose patience faster than I think I should, especially with a child who has special needs. Every time I lose patience I feel terrible. I'm trying very hard to count to 10 and let the small things go. It can be really difficult when Thomas is repeating the same stuff over and over or will only play with me if we do exactly what he wants. If I try to change a game he gets very upset.

I should also add I've been diagnosed with postnatal OCD so I find it really difficult to allow Thomas to explore etc because of my anxiety. I'm trying really hard to work on this without using medication.

Thank you for your reply. I think you're right about the anxiety. I get anxious about so many things and I count to ten, but things get repeated and repeated to the point where I get so fed up. Sometimes we meet up with other parents and their kids and they seem to laid back (not uptight like me) and I wish so much that my kids could have parents like that.

 

[Wannabe Mommy]

We don't do time out although haven't ruled it out as a possibility if needed.

We take a second when she's winding us up to decide if the issue is really a big deal. It's easy to get annoyed by things that are a bit silly.

Example: she says she wants playdough out so I set it up in the table, 2 seconds later she's pulling pens and paper out insisting she needs to draw, then she starts running around the front room. Yes it's irritating but if I take a second it's obvious she's bored and needs to burn off energy.
Instead of getting annoyed I stick some shoes on her feet and encourage her outside, or help her build a fort. Once she's burned it off I address the need to tidy up the stuff from earlier.

Generally if she's playing up she is tired/bored/hungry.

When we need to address something it's done without shouting by getting down to her level and giving simple choices and directions as well as natural consequences. "Lex if you keep banging that... against the .... it will break and it will be gone forever. We will not fix or replace it so if you want to keep it you need to stop right now" or "I know you're feeling something strongly right now, tell me what's wrong and I will help you to fix it. We cannot go to....while you are behaving like this, so we will miss..."

I think its important to mean and stick to what you say, that way they learn what's expected and we don't through out threats willy nilly.

 

[wtbmummy]

I am not talking about the mother I see taking her kids to school or the mother I saw at the supermarket this morning. I am talking about me.

My childhood was mostly unhappy with an abusive mother who did her best, but wasn't particularly happy about parental tasks. My father left when I was 2.

Fast forward 30 or so years and I have two beautiful kids. The problem is me. Although I received counselling when I was a teenager, I promised myself that I wouldn't be like my own mother. But in recent years I find myself doing the same things. I'm so critical of my kids, I don't let them have fun as I am always worrying about them hurting themselves or breaking things. I tell myself ALL the time that they are just kids and this is what kids do.

Today, my DD who is 6 starting sharpening her pencils (because she just likes to). My other DD who is 4 was standing next to her and I started getting annoyed about the shavings falling all over the place and poking them. I mean, wtf??!!

This is typically what I get annoyed about:

- they drop their food everywhere when eating (not really their fault as they're young).
- they fuss over eating (the list of their dislikes is astounding).
- they jump on me or push against me when we're on the sofa.
- they don't do things fast enough (my weird impatience). My youngest takes forever to eat breakfast in the morning, even though we give her tons of time. Then she doesn't want to eat it because it's soggy/cold etc)
- they talk so loudly at me and each other.

The list goes on, but these aren't bad things. These are kids for Christ's sake. What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can't I show my kids I love them by stop not picking at them all the time?

We have moments where we cuddle and play and those times are really lovely, but then something will happen and I'll get annoyed and their faces fall because mummy's annoyed again.

I wanted to have kids and I love them so much. Why am I getting like this?

I really despise myself. I am not worthy of them

I feel I could have written this myself!! Apart from its my ds that drives me bonkers. It doesnt help that being a boy all he wants to do is run n jump n climb.

I know I snap at him for stupid things, I know that he's just being "a normal 3yo" but it doesnt change. I cannot stand when he does stupid things like make silly noises or bang his feet together.

I did not want to be this person, this kind of a mother but it is hard. I wish I was calm. I wish i could let him be stupid n silly n a normal 3yo but I just cant. I am constantly telling hom off. Dont do this or that or stop that etc..

I dont have any advise as I myself am desperately trying to get out of this rut. But you are not alone!!

Just to note my mum left at 4 and i was raised by my dad. He did the best he could but nothing can replace a mothers love. Thats what makes it so much harder for me..... i think i helicopter n therefore see all the little things n then get annoyed. Its like i want perfection (i have gad and ocd due to past) but a 3yo isnt going to give perfection when they are still learning basic skills

 

[baileybubs]

I'm not sure exactly how to advise on this apart from to say you don't sound like a terrible mum to me at all, we all have things we wish we could improve on in our parenting and the fact that you recognise these things and worry about them makes you a great mum!!

A pp mentioned that communication is the key and if you find you do say things that later you think you shouldn't have just talk to your kids and explain that mummy is only saying these things to try and help etc or that you were tired, unwell whatever the reason may be.

Some of the things you mention you struggle with I think you'll find a lot of parents may do, I certainly do and I often have to remind myself that my kids are only 2 and 4 years old and that's what kids do! In theory it's so easy to say "they are kids and that's what kids do" but in practice it can be so hard with all the pressures we have on us to not worry about all the mess they are making or how climbing on the furniture is going to get them hurt.

Try not to be so hard on yourself and as others have mentioned if you are really worried about it perhaps look into some counselling again. Big hugs Hun x

 

[Bella_Lee]

@mumspider you know I used to ask to think to myself, I wish children could come with their own instruction manual, it would make parenting so much easier. I have two daughters with a five year gap and to be honest I feel I made so many mistakes with my older one even though at the time I thought I was being the best Mum I could be. Looking back I used to pick on her for little things because I wanted her to behave perfectly.
Its actually a good thing that you are actually aware already of some of the things that you are doing and want to change, this shows that you really are a great Mum who cares about her children.
From my own experience, one thing I can suggest which maybe you already do, is if I have not been able to stop myself getting annoyed at something they've done and reacted accordingly, then I go back and tell them I'm sorry and affirm them with positive words. I think children are very forgiving especially when they are younger and that positive memory can only help to diminish the negative one.
Another good book that I can suggest and which you might find useful is Intentional Parenting by Sissy Goff.
Wish you all the best.

 

[LoveCakes]

I think it sounds pretty normal to be honest. Kids can be really annoying.

I love my kids so much but I don't have to like them every minute of the day.

Maybe start a diary and write down one nice memory or event that happened that day and you can look back on it when you're struggling.

 

[kajastarlight]

My kids make me nucken futs sometimes!! My wonderful sweet teenager helps me way more than is fair with his younger sibs because I am in so very much pain all the time. But I get on him because he doesn't hustle when doing his chores. Willingly, happily doing his chores and I gotta get annoyed he is moving slow. My second gets flustered and clumsy because he tries to do things fast enough that I don't get annoyed with his as well and that annoys me. My 3rd is two, but he is very big for his age (4T cloths) and he talks extraordinarily well. So I forget he just turned two. Then loose my s when he doesn't do what I asked him to the first time every time. My daughter is 2 months old and I get annoyed that she gets fussy and the only way to sooth her is to walk while I hold her and that hurts my back like crazy.
See? You are far from the only one who gets upset by normal kid behavior. Through the years I have learned to "tone it down" as to my reaction to this stuff. (And obviously I don't do anything but mentally grumble while I walk the baby around and sing to her) And sometimes (maybe frequently) I gotta give myself pep talks. ( "give them a break, they are just kids, it could be worse," etc etc) But at the end of the day I love them more than anything , I do my best for them, and I am a good Mom. I bet you are too