About to be single, devestated and hurt

[edinsam]

Hi All

I'm just about 12 weeks pregnant and at a time I should be relaxing and taking it easy I am stressed no end!

I have 2 children from pervious marrige - 8 and 5. I met my oh 2 years ago and we got together. He has a 3 year old daughter from his first marriage who he sess Tues, Thurs night and Sat during the day (the Tues and Thurs he has has to go to his ex house as they live about an hour away)

Anyhow we got together and have been living with each other for the last year and a half, it is possibly the best relationship I have been in and trully in love. He feels the same and the reason we got together is that he said he finallly found his soul mate. Its been a hard year with his ex and in particular birthday and xmas last year was hard but we made a pact to work through it which we did.

Last summer he told me he couldnt cope with the guilt of leaving his daughter and even though he had no feelings for his ex he was going back. He left me the day I went on holiday.

Day 1 of holiday he was texting to see how I was. By day 4 he called me abroad and said I cant do it, I feel physically sick here at home with the ex. I'm leaving again and I promise you this is it, I trully need to be with you. I stupidly let him back and it has been wonderful since then so I dont regret it.

Anyhow fast forward to Feb and me finding out I was pregnant - soooo not great. He says its bringing back all the guilt fears and he just does not want this child. Incidentally before falling pregnant I was told that this year I may need a hysterectomy so this for me is my last chance. He just doesnt get that.

The arguements are getting worse and worse and eventually last week he packed some stuff and left to go back to the ex again. I talked him round to coming back as when he is feeling guilty he gets like this and the next day hes is back to normal.

Now he is saying we can only have relationship if I terminate and this is not something I am prepared to do.

He says that if I go ahead with this pregnancy he never wants to see me, never wants to know about the child, never wants to see the child etc etc.

I just have no idea what to do

I am completely lost, alone and sad.

 

[tinkabells]

Mmmm i think your best off without him, you shouldnt need to talk him into staying with you, if he wanted to be with you he would be and he would find a way of seeing his other child, he shouldnt feel guilty if his seeing the child anyway.

If he feels that bad, he wouldnt leave you and your child, maybe he likes the drama of going back and fourth from you and his ex, because you dont know what his saying to her, and she could be there one talking him to stay with her, when he goes back.

I think your best off without him and sort out dates like he has with his ex to see the child grow up, but only you can decide what you want, but dont stay with him because you think its the best thing for the child in the long run, it isn't, the best thing for the child is that both parents are happy and not back and fourth from each other

Hope that helps xxx

 

[brownhairedmom]

I'm not trying to pick up for him because if you read some of my other posts I very rarely pick up for the guy in these situations. But maybe he's just scared. I mean maybe he's just really freaking out about it, worrying about what would happen if you two broke up and he was in the same situation as he is with his daughter. Being a parent is super daunting and scary and especially for men.

I would just back up and give him some space, but if he doesn't come around and stop acting like a jackass then its time to shut the door. If he doesn't stop about aborting then kick him to the curb.

Give him space, act like you don't care and see what he does. You're perfectly capable of doing this by yourself and I know its hurtful, probably the most painful thing ever. But you can get through it. Sometimes children DON'T need both parents, and its more harmful for a parent to forge a happy relationship with a child than to be out of the picture

 

[edinsam]

Hi Scorpio

Oh dont worry about backing him up - I am always doing that. He really is a good guy and when I read about some other guys then he's not like that. I think its admireable that he is so beat up about leaving his daughter and it really does cut him up which does make me realise how much he cares. I just really wish that he could cope with that guilt but I'm not sure he ever will which is the sad part. We really do have an amazing relationship except for this. It doesnt help that his wife is a complete psycho and will not let go. She has told him that however long it takes she will wait patiently for him to go back so he knows that if he leaves he would be able to be right back in there.... must be very confidence boosting for him I guess!

For me I just want to have a normal life, I just want to get on with this and start feeling excited about being pregnant and I really wish that he would just get his act together.

I do absolutely believe deep down that he will go back sometime soon as he is just not coping at all. Then god knows what he will do - as I am sure once back he will start feeling guilty towards me!

I have asked him to get counselling, he said he did that before (He had an affair for 8 years whilst married before he met me) and that it didnt work.

I'm at a complete loss

Maybe I should let him go back and see what happens. Im just not that type of female though, his ex is and has already suggested that he live 4 nights a week with me and 3 with her!! I couldnt do that. I think if he goes back then thats it - I dont think I could go through it all again.

I have a really good job and am a really strong person but I just dont think I am equipped to go it on my own (Im sure most of you on here are shouting and screaming at the pc reading this!!!) maybe its just my hormones that are making me feel like this!!!

Sorry chatting on too long, just got no one else to talk to, all my friends just keep on saying you will be fine you will be fine..

 

[Mummy&bump]

aw hun i feel for u ur kinda stuck in the middle huh!

firstly what u need 2 think about is ur other 2 children, is it really fair on them if hes coming and going all the time, it must b confusin 4 them!

and although he does seem genuine he cant keep choping and changing his mind and who hes goin 2 b with! its not fair on u!

whether u take him back this time or not is totally up 2 u but if u decide 2 hav him back u have 2 make it very clear 2 him that if he comes back this time it must be for good!

ul get by on ur own without him hun if need be! we dont need men, personally i think there al arseholes at the moment but thts jus prob coz of situation and these bloody hormones!

good luck whatever u decide

xx

 

[augustbaby09]

I dont like how this guy is saying you must terminate the child if you want to keep our relationship! Ive been in that position last year and I stood my ground (id already had a termination so refused). Eventually my guy said yes iam excited and he would be with me - later to find i miscarried.

I dont think its very fair for this guy to be coming and going and putting the pressure on you. He obiously finds it hard being away from his daughter but if he got into a relationship with you he must be prepapred he can't keep going back and forth on his terms.

I despise men who make threats etc by saying they will leave if you have the child and won't see it.Really makes my blood boil as that is what my partner has done to me. I think he is just hoping i'll abort the baby and thinks if he blanks me for long enough i'll crack and have an abortion(although that wouldnt happen as iam 19 wks).


I hope things will be ok for you , your two children and your baby.I really do hope that things will work themselves out in the best possible way without any pain.

 

[xarlenex]

I'd give him time. Let him be for a while, see if he comes back to you himself. You shouldn't really have to talk a guy around to coming back.
I must admit, when I read that he said "Termination or me?" my first thoughts were leave him. I feel thats what I'd do. But I hope he's just a little confused and needs time. I hope he gets his act together and things work out

 

[edinsam]

I dont like how this guy is saying you must terminate the child if you want to keep our relationship! Ive been in that position last year and I stood my ground (id already had a termination so refused). Eventually my guy said yes iam excited and he would be with me - later to find i miscarried.

I dont think its very fair for this guy to be coming and going and putting the pressure on you. He obiously finds it hard being away from his daughter but if he got into a relationship with you he must be prepapred he can't keep going back and forth on his terms.

I despise men who make threats etc by saying they will leave if you have the child and won't see it.Really makes my blood boil as that is what my partner has done to me. I think he is just hoping i'll abort the baby and thinks if he blanks me for long enough i'll crack and have an abortion(although that wouldnt happen as iam 19 wks).


I hope things will be ok for you , your two children and your baby.I really do hope that things will work themselves out in the best possible way without any pain.

Aw so sorry you are going through this as well. As if we didnt already have enough on our plate with having to cope with being pregnant.... It would just be nice to actually enjoy this rather than it being a miserable experience (well for me anyway!)

Thanks for your good words of advice.

xxx

 

[Pyrrhic]

Is this the guy who left his wife and kids to be with you after you had an affair?

 

[Lexi's Mummy]

hey, just wanted to give you some of these ,

what he's asking of you isnt fair, but being male he doesnt understand that .. But believe me no matter how much you might love him, if you gave him what he wanted and had a termination then you will only resent him afterwards if you want this baby. Then you will end up hating him, and have no releationship and no baby. and whts to say he wont just go running off to his ex after an a termination, hes done it before, theres no guarentee's.

Theres one thing about these kind of guys i never understand (Lexi's dad is one of them), Hes left you in the past to be with his ex because of his child. But yet He's not wanting to be in this childs life, or even for the child to have a life...

as others have suggested though, maybe hes just scared he may change his mind, just play the "im not bothered" card and if he wants you he knows where you are, if not then your already used to being out of his company.
Just concentrate on you and your baby, after all your the 2 most important people..
everyones here for help and support, i wish you the best and hope you do whats right for you xxx

 

[edinsam]

aww Lexismum thanks so much. Your post almost made me cry.

I guess in my head I have already resigned myself to the fact, been spending the last couple of days looking for a new house for me and the kiddies to be prepared for everything. He's been super sweet over the last couple of days and really attentive etc etc but I know sooner or later he will freak out again. I am trying to be prepared for when that happens.

 

[faun]

I am really sorry if this comes across as harsh but THE most important thing in your life is you and the children. Men come and go but your kids are forever, you need to think things through very carefully this kind of on-off relationship is not good for your children who are old enough to understand what is going on.
If he really loved you he would not be trying to use your unborn child as blackmail it sounds to me like he wants out of this relationship but is too much of a coward to make the decision for himself. By giving you an ultimatum him or the baby which he knows you will choose the baby is his way of getting out of the relationship without feeling it was his choice.
I think you should leave him and say that if he can live alone for at least 3 months then you will talk again about your relationship but if he goes back to the ex in this time apart it is over. There is no reason you can't go on dates in this time apart as long as you are not living together it should give you both the time to think about what you really want.
I really feel for you and hope you can stay strong and get through this as you and the children deserve someone who is 100% yours to love and cherish you all, sending lots of Positive Mental Attitude and hugs.