Acceptance problems from in laws

[Katiejac]

Hey,

I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant with mine and my wife's first baby, the product of a known donor. We're absolutely thrilled to be expecting and my parents and extended family feel the exact same way, everyone is really excited.

When we told my wife's parents, their reaction was a lot more subdued, they asked a lot of questions and gave us a stilted congratulations but overall the reaction was a little underwhelming.

This was weeks ago (we told family early) and since then we've had to have two emergency scans due to bleeding, each time her parents haven't asked how things went, how I am etc. We were hurt by this but ignored it, hoping they were just getting used to the idea.

The rest of wife's family have been really supportive, only her brother and wife have acted in same way as her parents (I think this is because they would like a child themselves and perhaps are a little envious) all her aunts etc (she's Italian so there are a lot of them!) are really supportive and excited.

Things came to a head yesterday when her dad sent me a very formal text message about their Christmas gift. I replied about the gift and pointed out that they hadn't spoke to wife in a while and that they hadn't asked how the baby was doing and all of a sudden I got a really abusive message saying that they had no interest in the baby, that it is not a member of their family as it is no blood relation to them, nor will it ever be accepted into their family. He then went on to say I have 'schemed' the whole situation in a ploy to take their daughter away from them and purposely decided that I would carry the child to exclude them.

My wife has no interest in carrying a child, she always said if I couldn't carry then we would adopt so this was never an option for us. I also hoped the baby would bring her parents closer to us, like my folks are, the last thing I wanted was to push them away.

Wife then got a message saying that she should choose me and the baby or her parents, when she tried to say how stupid that was and that the whole situation was crazy, she got a further message saying our invitation for Christmas was revoked and to get on with our lives without them featuring in the future. They then blocked both our numbers from getting in touch with them

Has anyone else had problems with the non birth mothers parents? I really want to sort this out for my wife and our child's sake. I don't like what they've said but I think cutting them out is a bit extreme. Just at a loss as to what to do now, wife is heartbroken, I feel angry and hurt and protective of my unborn child, its not the kind of environment I want my child being brought up in

 

[laurac1988]

Just sending hugs Hun xxx

 

[Katiejac]

Thanks Laura xxx

 

[lindamh]

So, my wife carried our daughter. Our daughter is from my egg, known donor sperm, and her uterus via IVF. Her family has been less accepting of DD, because she is not related by genetics. Her uncle said, "well, im not really her uncle", when we said to DD "Say hi to uncle Jim".
DW's dad has taken alot of time to be accepting, but i dont think he is fully accepting yet. HE asked when we were going to have a baby using DW's egg. We told him (for the 10th time) that my wife is infertile. We planned to use her eggs, but were shocked to find that her eggs were not functional after a failed round of IVF. DW really wanted to be pregnant, so we transferred my egg. People in her family still dont seem to believe it was due to infertility, instead of some plot hatched by us to get the families to accept our kid. It makes me wonder what would have happened if we had adopted!

We no longer spend time with Uncle Jim, because it is not worth it to us to have someone who does not allow for different families in our life, and therefore our daughters life. Frankly, its not a huge loss. We have become less concerned with biology and more welcome to share our family with others who want to be in it, not those who are just tied by genetics. We welcome everyone who wants to be there, but, if a persons idea of familial ties are based on biology, then they dont usually want to be there.

As far as the choose me or you thing.....our rule with people who draw lines like that ( and we have encountered it) is that they are welcome to change their mind, and in the interim we choose to allow them to go through their process. If thing change, they know where we are. If not, then it is not worse than when they made the request to choose. In other words, she can tell her parents she chooses both, and they are welcome to choose both as well, however, that decision is up to them. She cannot be subject to guilt if she does not allow herself to be guilted. It is their choice to be involved with their daughter and grandchild, and no one elses.

Giant hugs.