Just read your reply to my post and wanted to let you know that you're not alone and to share my story with you. I just hope that it helps.
We adopted Chris and his bros in Oct. 2007. At that time he had just turned 4years old. The boys situation prior to coming to us was one of neglect and abuse, so right away we knew that they would probably need help. But Chris was constantly in trouble at school and at home he would abuse his bros, our pets and us. At end of the year his teacher told me he needed special ed. I refused. Despite his behavior/emotional issues I had a bright boy who tested high. The last thing I needed was to put him in a situation where he could pick up more behavioral tactics. (no offense intended. those with ADHD child know and understand the tactics)
The whole first year with him I floundered trying different discipline techniques, diet changes, schedule adjustments. We were in to see a counselor twice a week. A lot of which were helpful but didn't really even skim the surface. We were having melt downs not tantrums, he would go into a rage and that would be that. The longest of which, lasted two days. During that first summer I worked very hard with him and things seemed to calm. Until Kindergarten started. He was constantly getting into trouble, writing on the bathroom walls, having meltdowns in the middle of class, refusing to participate in art, gym and music. It wasn't until then his counselor suggested the doing a NICHQ assessment for him. After his results came in his regular doc prescribed Adderall. I had hope but not for long. Them meds seemed to make him like a weird zombie. He actually sat down and colored after school for four hours straight. I couldn't pull him away from it, and when I tried he'd totally freak. He was intently focused on coloring. He was on that drug for 12hrs. We quit it and then moved on to Vyvanse a week later. This drug was the worst. He was an angel for 3days then all the sudden he crashed and crashed hard. He came home from school and had a meltdown that went into a rage. I actually had to remove everything from his room that he could possibly hurt himself or others with. He tried to throw his television at me, and threatened to kill himself... it was horrible to see him like that. So we quit and quit trying drugs. I thought no way was I going to continue putting him through all of this. I'd rather deal with an out of control kid then one who was soooo utterly depressed and angry.
The school year went on until late winter when I got a call from school. He had snuck in and assaulted a little girl in the bathroom. He beat her up and pinned her. I kept talking to his counselor and set up an IEP for school to see about putting him in special ed. I couldn't bear seeing him struggle so much, and I just thought maybe someone else will be more equipped to help him. If someone could help him learn how to cope maybe he'd have a chance. Over the next few weeks the school proved to be very unhelpful. Like you they assumed that it was a problem at home, or a discipline issue. When I explained all of the things I was doing with Chris already, it felt like we weren't getting any closer to helping him. Ultimately, because he had no diagnosis at the time, they were unable to help. I was back at square one. Out of control kid, unhappy kid.
Then he assaulted his brother in the closet one day while they were playing. Almost exactly like the girl in the bathroom. I talked to counselor she offered a few suggestions but nothing that would have alleviated our situation at home. Chris was just off the charts at this point and a week later he tried to attack me first with a scissor then with a knife. It was a horrific time for us to say the least. I was terrified for him and for us.
FINALLY, his counselor said we need to get him in an inpatient program. A week later I drove Chris to the hospital where he was admitted. He was very open with the nurse there about wanting to die, not caring about anything, and admitted that he wanted to kill me and his brother. When I left him there I was in tears, he simply said, "Bye." and shrugged. Our 5yr old was just a shell of a boy at this point he couldn't care less that we were leaving.
He spent 6wks in a hospital were we found out that he has ADHD, ODD, and a sensory disorder. There he was constantly working with therapist and doctors. They got his meds sorted, and found out that he has a bad reaction to the stimulants. They actually cause a depressive reaction in some kids due to hormone levels. Spent another 2wks in half days between school and hospital.
Terrified and anxious, we brought home a changed kid April of this year. We were now signed up for 1year in home therapy and had a brand new physiatrist for Chris. We had support from so many people at that hospital and I cannot tell you how good it felt walking out of there with a happy kid.
In the summer we discovered that Chris may have bipolar disorder too, so we started taking the Abilify to help stabilize his moods. Bipolar, like ADD/ADHD is one of those things they cannot formally diagnose until a certain age. So for now we do what we can to help him and now we're doing okay.
We're having our first good school year and have only had one phone call from school. Chris didn't need special ed after all. But the thing that has touched me the most is that I feel like I'm finally getting to know my little boy. Having him on meds especially Abilify has, for him, been an awakening. He's got friends now, interacts with other children, can play nicely too, he can focus at school w/o having a meltdown, he shows affection (completely new for him). Basically, it's nice to see him being a normal 6yr old boy for a change.
I guess the point was not to hijack your post but to say that you are your sons advocate. Keep at it. Start at step one, and follow it through, move on to step two. Insurance and the bureaucracy will make this very difficult and sometimes even impossible. But you know him better than anyone follow your gut. Understand that it is a long road and not an easy fix, but there is hope and you will eventually get there. Just like we did.
If you ever need to chat/rant PM me, I totally understand and I'll be there for you if I can. Big
P
A few books that I have found very helpful:
Title: Survival strategies for parenting your ADD child: dealing with obsessions, compulsions, depression, explosive behavior, and rage
Author: George T. Lynn
** this one is sooo helpful with everything, school bureaucracy, discipline, expectations, and even techniques for parents to feel better. Awesome read!
Tittle: 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12
Author: Thomas W. Phelan
** Simple, and effective plan.
Tittle: Positive Parenting with a Plan
Author: Dr. Mathew A. Johnson
** Christian based plan, involves the whole family. Very comprehensive and easy to follow and do.
I had Jake into a psychiatrist yesterday who said he didn't believe Jacob was ADD/ADHD at all and in fact believes it is strictly ODD and possibly Bipolar disorder. He has family history of it on his father's side and there are other mental illnesses on my side (An Aunt and cousin of mine) He started Jake on Risperidone to try and help stabilize his moods and lessen the amount and severity of his outbursts. This is something I had been telling him doctors for a while! I told them if he did in fact have ADD/ADHD it was not what was causing him to be kicked out of school, daycares etc... it was his violent outbursts! I spent 2 years telling them this and thank god we finally have some help! It takes approx 3 weeks to see results with this medication but I am sure hoping this helps him be the boy I know he is. He is so smart, above grade level in many areas and is deep down kind and loving. It has been a rough ride and I know medication alone isn't the answer, we work with him on a daily basis and I just hope this medication will help him have more control over his anger 
