Advice about telling a LTTC friend your pregnant

[PugLuvAh]

I thought I would come in here for some advice if thats ok?

I have a best friend who lives very far from me that I get to see maybe once a year. She is 33 years old, has been TTC for almost 2 years now, never a BFP, and now considering other fertility options.

We kind of bonded over the fact that we were the only ones of our friends without kids. We would complain about the people that ONLY talked about their kids/pregnancy and nothing else. How insensitive people could be, etc. I was TTC for almost a year, when I had a miscarriage in May (which she knows about). What she doesn't know is that 2 weeks later I got pregnant again, and now I am over 14 weeks.

We haven't told anyone yet, not even family, because I was spotting last week and it completely freaked me out and made me worried of another m/c. However, it seems to have stopped. This has definitely not been a worry-free pregnancy, but everything seems ok now.

My friend is visiting this weekend--I'll be 15 weeks--kind of showing, but with the right clothes I could just look like I put on a bit of weight. My question is: should I tell her in person? or wait till she leaves and either call or email her?

Because she is a best friend, I am inclined to tell her in person, but at the same time I know how hard it was and how sad I was to hear people around me getting pregnant and how I didn't want to be around them. If I was losing my only non-pregnant friend, although I would be happy for her, I would still be sad for me. If I called or emailed her with the news she could cry (etc.) and not have to feel like she wasn't being supportive (because I know she is).

What do you guys think? Tell in person or wait?

Thanks so much! xo

 

[Justwantababy]

I would say definitely tell her in person. Just pick your moment, and remember she will have a mix of feelings when you tell her, so be prepared for her response.

But try and imagine the shoe was on the other foot...I know I would hate to be told by email when I'd spent the whole weekend with my friend.

Good luck (and congrats on your pregnancy!) xxx

 

[cooch]

This is a hard one, but I personally would rather be told by email. Imagine the shock if she guesses before you can tell her? However everyone is different.

She will of course be happy for you. But she may need time to process your news. Maybe a telephone call would be best. She might want to hear all about it and be totally supportive or she may feel alone and left behind. Sorry I'm really not being much help.

Not to do with babies- but I previously made the mistake of assuming my friend would be feeling a certain way- I was trying to be nice but she turned it right back around and called me insensitive and this girl had been my bridesmaid!!We no longer speak

 

[Jasiellover]

This is a hard one, but I personally would rather be told by email. Imagine the shock if she guesses before you can tell her? However everyone is different.

She will of course be happy for you. But she may need time to process your news. Maybe a telephone call would be best. She might want to hear all about it and be totally supportive or she may feel alone and left behind. Sorry I'm really not being much help.

This!

 

[Princess Lou]

When you see her, make a point of going somewhere for a coffee or something (home, cafe, anywhere) and tell her your news. If it was me, I would prefer to hear that way and would be more upset at the fact that you felt you had to hide your pregnancy from me as appose to finding out.

Good luck. X

 

[PugLuvAh]

Thanks girls! What I might do is when she calls to arrange us meeting for dinner to tell her on the phone--that way she has time to process, but I'll still get to see her an hour later. Then, we can either rehash or leave it--I'll go by her lead.

Thanks so much!!

 

[hayley_m]

yes definitely tell her beforehand. my sis in law came downstairs to use one of my pregnancy tests.... and it was positive. the initial shock was horrible. but she stayed for a while so i had to hold the tears in! i couldnt let her know my true feelings. it took me over a day or so to come to terms with it, so maybe she will need a bit longer.

hope it all goes ok. its lovely that youve put some thought into it!

 

[readyformore]

I wouldn't tell her in person. I wouldn't even tell her the same day. Give it a day or so for her to process.

In fact, I am meeting with a friend next week. She is also ttc. Honestly, I plan to call her the night before and ask her if she's pregnant. I will be happy for her of course, but I will also need to feel sorry for me. I don't want the good news to ruin a fun day.

Congrats on the pregnancy, btw.

 

[Soili]

I would very much prefer to be told in person. I'm your usual "slightly bitter at the sight of pregnant ladies on every corner" LTTTC kind of person. But if a friend of mine who shared same feelings as I have for a while, finally gotten pregnant, my main feeling would always be happiness for her. And it often hurts MORE when someone if trying to protect your feelings too much, hiding their pregnancy or avoiding talking about things related to it on purpose. Just be honest and straightforwards. Say that nothing changed that you'll always continue supporting her in her journey until both of you are happy with as many children as you wish to have. And that you're gonna need her support too.

To me it's very different, for example, hearing about some long-distant relative getting pregnant from her abusive boyfriend or getting happy news from a dear friend of mine, who've been in same boat as me.

 

[rosebud_01_99]

ok,
please listen to this advice, as someone 16yrs ttc and hearing announcements all the time i feel i can help, please text or email her telling her before she visits, so if shes having a bad week feeling down about ttc she can cancel the weekend until another time rather that having to be nice around a pg woman all weekend, that way she makes the decision to spend the weekend around u while u are pg herself and is not forced to after u make the big announcement to her while she is there.

my worst nightmare is the senario where i visit the friend for weekend and she makes announcement and i have to cope with my sadness and despair and still be upbeat ect around her, i would rather have all the sorrow for myself out of my system before seeing her and then i can be genuinely interested in her hopefully supportive to her when im feeling emotionally ready.

i hope this makes some sense to you, and hope you have a happy pg.

rosebud

 

[mlyn26]

I'd prefer to be told beforehand via phone or email. That way she can deal with any emotions before seeing you. TBH i could not imagine her being upset, considering you were a LTTTCer and have had a loss. I imagine she will be thrilled that it's finally your turn. xx

 

[PugLuvAh]

Thanks girls for everyone's advice--I'm glad I sought it out

ok,
please listen to this advice, as someone 16yrs ttc and hearing announcements all the time i feel i can help, please text or email her telling her before she visits, so if shes having a bad week feeling down about ttc she can cancel the weekend until another time rather that having to be nice around a pg woman all weekend, that way she makes the decision to spend the weekend around u while u are pg herself and is not forced to after u make the big announcement to her while she is there.

my worst nightmare is the senario where i visit the friend for weekend and she makes announcement and i have to cope with my sadness and despair and still be upbeat ect around her, i would rather have all the sorrow for myself out of my system before seeing her and then i can be genuinely interested in her hopefully supportive to her when im feeling emotionally ready.

i hope this makes some sense to you, and hope you have a happy pg.

rosebud

Thanks rosebud, this is exactly what I was worried about and why I was contemplating delaying telling her till AFTER the weekend. But I know I won't see her again for a year or longer, there is definitely no rescheduling this, and she has been a best friend for over 20 years....this was my horrible debate; trying to be sensitive to her feelings, but not wanting to assume what she was feeling or hurt her by not telling her in person because I know that she will be happy for me.

I'd prefer to be told beforehand via phone or email. That way she can deal with any emotions before seeing you. TBH i could not imagine her being upset, considering you were a LTTTCer and have had a loss. I imagine she will be thrilled that it's finally your turn. xx

I know she'll be happy for me given the stuggles I have had (and am still having) but I know it will still be hard for her given that she's still trying.

I think telling her beforehand is best as well...thats what I would have wanted. I hated being blind-sided with pregnancy announcements and having to hold in my feelings through dinner before I could cry.

 

[shouzhi]

i hope this makes some sense to you, and hope you have a happy pg.

 

[Tnkrbell15]

ok,
please listen to this advice, as someone 16yrs ttc and hearing announcements all the time i feel i can help, please text or email her telling her before she visits, so if shes having a bad week feeling down about ttc she can cancel the weekend until another time rather that having to be nice around a pg woman all weekend, that way she makes the decision to spend the weekend around u while u are pg herself and is not forced to after u make the big announcement to her while she is there.


rosebud

As someone else who has be LTTTC for 10 years...I completely agree with Rosebud. Though I would be happy for my friend, I would also want the option to see how my emotions stood before seeing my friend face to face. I would also be really offended if that person didn't tell me until after I had seen them. Just be prepared to accept her decisions about seeing you or not. Also, you may want to explain to her that you're decision to wait so long to tell her and everyone else was out of fear of another miscarriage, and you are only starting to tell people because you are past most of the m/c danger. Congratulations and good luck.

 

[xMissxZoiex]

ok,
please listen to this advice, as someone 16yrs ttc and hearing announcements all the time i feel i can help, please text or email her telling her before she visits, so if shes having a bad week feeling down about ttc she can cancel the weekend until another time rather that having to be nice around a pg woman all weekend, that way she makes the decision to spend the weekend around u while u are pg herself and is not forced to after u make the big announcement to her while she is there.

my worst nightmare is the senario where i visit the friend for weekend and she makes announcement and i have to cope with my sadness and despair and still be upbeat ect around her, i would rather have all the sorrow for myself out of my system before seeing her and then i can be genuinely interested in her hopefully supportive to her when im feeling emotionally ready.

i hope this makes some sense to you, and hope you have a happy pg.

rosebud

As someone else who has be LTTTC for 10 years...I completely agree with Rosebud. Though I would be happy for my friend, I would also want the option to see how my emotions stood before seeing my friend face to face. I would also be really offended if that person didn't tell me until after I had seen them. Just be prepared to accept her decisions about seeing you or not. Also, you may want to explain to her that you're decision to wait so long to tell her and everyone else was out of fear of another miscarriage, and you are only starting to tell people because you are past most of the m/c danger. Congratulations and good luck.

I agree with both these posts, I personally couldnt think of anything worse than having to spend a whole weekend being happy for someone when all i want to do is cry.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, You are a great friend.