Advice and support needed ladies :(

[littlekitten8]

Hey so a bit of background on me before I launch into the saga lol. So I've been in some pretty sh***y relationships in my life, abusive and controlling. Met OH July 2008 and moved in together quite quickly. He seemed really lovely to start with and for probably the first year of being together. Fell pregnant in January 2009 and we had a son in October. Pretty much as soon as James arrived things started to fall apart. As I'm sure all you ladies will understand, I have changed and obviously grown up a whole lot. My priority is James. He doesn't seem to understand this at all! He has hardly anything to do with his son, which is pretty impressive considering we live together! I can count on 1 hand the amount of feeds he has done, and as for bathing well hes done that a grand total of twice. He has a son from a previous relationship who will be 3 in March. He is a great dad to him and can't do enough. Won't listen to any criticism of him at all. His son can do no wrong. If we have his son (we have him every other weekend) he will completely ignore James because he 'only gets to see his other son every now and again' so he wants to give him all his attention. I have tried explaining to him that James will grow up resenting his brother if it carries on cos he will think well daddy doesn't give a crap about me when his other kid is here. I feel like we are constantly competing with his other son. But thats not even the main problem. He wants the old me back. The one who actually had a sex drive, or the energy to do something about it. He hates the fact that James takes priority over him and makes it bloody obvious that this is the case. I have tried explaining to him that everyone changes when they have a baby and that the old me is never going to come back. But cos he didn't change 1 little bit when James was born he just says yeah ok whatever basically! He is getting more controlling and tries to tell me what to wear. The most annoying thing is all he does is bitch that he works all the time and doesn't get to spend any time with James, but then when he is home he would rather sit on his XBox! He will have a quick chat with him but he doesn't pick him up out of his bouncer or do anything with him without being asked. And then to top it off the one time he did a night feed (which was earlier this week) he fell asleep and almost dropped James! If I hadn't got up and gone into the nursery to see what he was screaming for, he would have fallen onto the floor and hurt himself cos he was about to go headfirst off the chair.

So I've made the decision that me and James will be better off without him and he is making me unhappy and James is picking up on that which I hate. The problem is I have nowhere else to go because my family all live nearly 100 miles away and my parents moved into a smaller house so they don't have a spare room for me. I can't tell OH that I am leaving until I have somewhere to go. I know that seems really harsh but when his ex was being funny about him seeing his other son he used to talk about not taking him back once he had got him. I can't risk him taking James from me. I know he is perfectly capable of it and he is such a mummys boy that his mum would side with him and wouldn't even tell me if he was there. So now I'm in a complete quandry as to what to do! I have spoken to my parents and they are completely supportive and have agreed with me that its best not to tell him until I have to. I am going to save some money (transferring some to mums account each month) to put a deposit on a new place home in Bristol. It won't be hard to do that as I do all the accounts.

Sorry that was a bit long! If you have got to the end of it well done lol. Any advice would be much appreciated, even if its that you think I'm being harsh keeping this from him!

 

[sweetlullaby]

I dont think you're being harsh at all. you have a son to think about and his and your safety is paramount. you have decided not to tell him until you have somewhere which to me is sensible what if you didnt find somewhere for a good few months and you would have to be living in the same house with him knowing your going to leave and take LO with you.

 

[littlekitten8]

I am hoping that won't happen. But he works roughly 60 hours a week anyway so he is not here a great deal. When he is here he pretty much ignores us anyway unless its to ask what is for dinner or if we are going to have sex!

 

[expecting09]

It sounds like your doing the right thing saving for a deposit on a new place, and agree it's not worth telling him until you have somewhere to go because it will make things 10 times worse while you are saving.

It looks like your OH puts his other son first, and thats wrong, James is his aswell, just because he doesnt see his oldest son much is no excuse to just pretend James isn't there. He should understand that having a baby changes you, and trying to control you, what a prick!!! Your doing the right thing hun.

Have you thought about what will happen when you move, he will want to come and see James (maybe?) and even in the future may want him overnight etc?

xx

 

[nievesmama]

You are not being harsh at all. You are putting yourself and your son first. I think you are going the right away about doing things to.

 

[littlekitten8]

Thanks girls. expecting09 - yes I have thought about that. To be honest I can't see him bothering that much but if he wants to see him I won't stop him. But I will be making sure he is supervised, preferably at my place, and only having him for a few hours until he is older. I won't be allowing overnight visits until he is at least 3 years old. I think until then he is too young and needs his mum. He will complain about it cos he had his other son overnight from about James's age.

 

[Mumof42009]

This is the same reasons why me and my ex split i was doing everything for him to just walk in and ask where his food was, he now sees his kids 1 day a week which he thinks is fine. You are doing the right thing for you both isn't there a rent deposit scheme in Bristol where council pay the bond for you you might be able to move quicker then?

 

[littlekitten8]

Hmm I hadn't thought of that. Will have to look into it thanks.

 

[Hollys_Twinny]

Good luck whatever happens x

 

[summerarmahni]

your deffo doing the right thing for james and yourself hun dont think for 1 second your been harsh cos your not, i hope everything works out for you and james xx

 

[jess_smurf]

yes your council should be able to give you a deposit on a new house so you can rehouse yourself x goodluck xx

 

[Gwizz]

I'm sorry to hear this, I thought things were going well too to the point of trying for another baby this year?

If you think its for the best then maybe you should split especially as you have been concerned with James health recently too - I would have thought he would have been a bit more of a father that cares!

Saving money is a good idea, just make sure he doesn't notice but make sure you have enough to tie up all the bills and loose ends at the old place when you leave as it will only cause more issues between the two of you that could drag on (mainly money!)

Have you tried sitting down and having a proper heart to heart about it all? It could be the hormonal pressure on the both of you - maybe he needs a good talking too!

x

 

[littlekitten8]

Gem I have tried speaking to him about how I feel several times. He just ends up turning it into a discussion about how he is working hard to put food in his bottle and that I am completely selfish. Excuse me! What exactly do you think my wages do? James is waiting for an EEG and to see a physiotherapist. Could have a mild form of Cerebral Palsy. Could have done with more support from him rather than all this shit lol.

It will be easy to transfer the money without him getting suspicious cos I owe my nan money so I can tell him its paying her back. I will be making sure I have enough to cover the last bills on this place. Thankfully the bills are too large so I won't need a great deal for that.

 

[Gwizz]

Have you actually said 'look if you don't change or help out I'll leave you?' What will/would/did he say to that???

He should be on hand to fully support you through everything James may or may not have, it sounds like he doesn't want to grow up or face reality

 

[littlekitten8]

Yup did that. Even went home to my parents for a couple of days. When we got back he was ok for a whole 2 days and then he was back to his usual self. And I think you are completely right when you say he doesn't want to grow up!

 

[Gwizz]

How about talking to his mum, or is she not on your side at all?

 

[littlekitten8]

Not really. He is very much a mummy's boy and she would side with him every time. She is one of these mums who believe their kids can't do any wrong lol.

 

[Gwizz]

Do you have any close mutual friends he would listen too?

 

[littlekitten8]

I wish I did. He doesn't have very many friends really. Our only mutual friends are in South Africa the whole of this month getting married. He doesn't think much of my friends so if any of them tried to talk to them he would just tell them to f*** off! I have tried everything I can think of to get him to see that I am not happy. Even saying point blank - I'm not happy! He just seems to be amazingly dense when it comes to seeing what is going on no matter what I do.

 

[Gwizz]

ran out of suggestions lol!!

Good luck anyway, if hes a decent bloke he will see sense - i would use that as your marker!