Advice for dealing with nosy people over the holidays?

[mizuno]

As much as I'm looking forward to the holidays, I am DREADING all the pregnant people I've been avoiding and all the nosy people who will yet again be asking me when am I going to have kids. Nobody knows we've been trying for over a year and I would like to keep it that way. My MIL is the worst and I just don't know what to say when she gets going on how wonderful kids are and why don't I have one.

Any advice on how to politely deal with people like that? I wish I could just tell them to f**k off and leave me alone, but I don't think my MIL would appreciate that. I need something short and definitive or else I might either snap and say something inappropriate or start crying.
Thanks!!!!

 

[Princess Lou]

Just say "We will have them when the time is right." Not strictly untrue. Then ask how they've been recently. People (as a whole) love to talk about themselves, especially if you haven't seen them for a while. They think you are really considerate asking about them and it takes the heat of you.

Or just do what I do and tell them it's non of their business. Lol. I don't do polite, I do straight to the point.

 

[mandygk]

We keep saying we are trying and usually people don't ask anything else...

 

[PinkPeony]

My MIL used to carry on like that too. Which is interssting since it took her 3 years to conceive DH. You'd think she'd remember how it feels but no such luck. It was at xmas last year she was going on about grandkids and then DH just finally snapped at her - look it's not like we're not trying alright! And that was it, shut her up. We ended up talking about it later with them and now they know a but more but I still keep it btwn us that we're doing treatments and such. The last thing I need is them calling me up asking how my IUI went and did I get my BFP yet.

 

[mizuno]

The last thing I need is them calling me up asking how my IUI went and did I get my BFP yet.

that is exactly why we don't want to tell anyone that we're trying.
that and I think that the people form these older generations still have a bit of a negative view of fertility treatments so I'd rather keep it on the downlow until we have to tell them.

 

[PinkPeony]

The last thing I need is them calling me up asking how my IUI went and did I get my BFP yet.

that is exactly why we don't want to tell anyone that we're trying.
that and I think that the people form these older generations still have a bit of a negative view of fertility treatments so I'd rather keep it on the downlow until we have to tell them.

Yep. I remember my mom running her mouth about women having multiples bc of fertility drugs. I wouldn't dare ask what she thinks now that it might be the only chance for her own daughter to get preg.

 

[aintlifegrand]

Oh man, I actually had a minor meltdown about the holidays today. I have to go to Christmas at 3 different places, each one has a brand new baby. I'm really really trying to be at peace with it, but its making me a little crazy. I'm actually begging for my husband to go on vacation early and skip it. It's just been such a difficult year and I'm tired of being strong. I've thrown 4 different baby showers this year and endured all of my siblings being pregnant, I've had it with 2012!

 

[mizuno]

Oh man, I actually had a minor meltdown about the holidays today. I have to go to Christmas at 3 different places, each one has a brand new baby. I'm really really trying to be at peace with it, but its making me a little crazy. I'm actually begging for my husband to go on vacation early and skip it. It's just been such a difficult year and I'm tired of being strong. I've thrown 4 different baby showers this year and endured all of my siblings being pregnant, I've had it with 2012!

I feel your pain. I've been avoiding family gatherings as my SIL is pregnant. Two of my close friends are pregnant as well and pretty much everyone else I have to hang out over the holidays has new babies. I can only get out of so many of these gatherings. Me thinks lots of alcohol will be consumed

 

[Ducktales]

i feel exactly the same, my husbands cousins baby is due anytime now - they conceived in 3 months but apparently it "felt forever"
try 3 years
anyway the ENTIRE xmas has been planned around her baby
i not only have to deal with the questions but also the new baby and guess what, the cousins brothers wife is also pregnant and due in Jan so we were the first to get married and the last to conceive by a longshot
merry f***ing christmas !
this year, i am going to say "when the time is right" too and if we get probed, something like "to be honest, we are not sure how to do it to make a baby - any suggestions?"
i too wish we could bugger off on holiday but unfortunately we cant!
we will all get through it
xxx

 

[Princess Lou]

we were the first to get married and the last to conceive by a longshot

Completely get that. Out of my family and friends that are 'within child bearing age' there is one second cousin who had her first, got married and then had number two and three but other than that, I am the ONLY one married and all my family members have children and my friends that are in long term relationships all have children.

Sucks to be us.

 

[mizuno]

merry f***ing christmas !
this year, i am going to say "when the time is right" too and if we get probed, something like "to be honest, we are not sure how to do it to make a baby - any suggestions?"

buahahaha!!! that made me laugh out loud! merry f***ing christmas indeed!

I had a similar idea, when we're over at my in-laws' and my MIL asks for the 1000 time when we are going to have kids, I was gonna say "ok, we're going upstairs to the bedroom and starting on it right now!" - but my DH didn't think she would find that funny.

 

[Princess Lou]

merry f***ing christmas !
this year, i am going to say "when the time is right" too and if we get probed, something like "to be honest, we are not sure how to do it to make a baby - any suggestions?"

buahahaha!!! that made me laugh out loud! merry f***ing christmas indeed!

I had a similar idea, when we're over at my in-laws' and my MIL asks for the 1000 time when we are going to have kids, I was gonna say "ok, we're going upstairs to the bedroom and starting on it right now!" - but my DH didn't think she would find that funny.

I totally see the funny side but my hubby has just said he sees the funny side but thinks his mother would flip. Lol.

 

[2have4kids]

I like answering a question with a question. It removes the focus from you and back to the nosy person (you control the conversation this way). The trick is anticipating the question and having good deflects up your sleeve.
Maybe when she asks you when you're going to start trying ask her when she first started trying, how long did it take her, did she have any m/c or issues. People like this seem to like talking about themselves and if you barrage with questions it's likely they'll forget they asked in the mean time. There are so many good leads off this...how long did OH take to get delivered, was he an easy baby because he's not now...bla bla bla and quickly divert into a totally different tangent.

I wish you quick recoveries from nosy people this holiday season.

 

[Hb.x]

This is a brilliant thread!! Unfortunately most of our family know our situation due to m/c's, but there's some great tips for those who don't.

 

[mizuno]

thanks ladies, these are all really helpful tips!

 

[Aradia]

This year, I am using avoidance because I have about had it. Every year DH's uncle asks us when we'll be "hearing the pitter pat of little feet." I've tried deflecting it by saying that we have cats, and there are lots of little feet pitter patting around, but that just makes him clarify by saying "Nooo, I mean when are you two going to have babies." Which is usually followed by reminding us that we aren't getting any younger (no, really?!) So this year I am just not going. DH is going to visit his family, and I am staying here with mine. Cause if I am asked that question one more time, I am going to scream.

 

[tommyg]

When asked I generally say we would like another but its just not happening for us and people tend to shut up at that point.

I know a couple who don't want kids who got fed up of the questions. Her mother couldn't/wouldn't accept their decision causing issues so she quietly spoke to her mum and said Dh has fertility issues and is very embarrassed about it. The subject has never been brought back up.

 

[mizuno]

I wish I had the option of not going to these family events this year. My DH is adamant that I go or they will be offended. Ugh.
This weekend we are going to see a friend who just had a baby and who I've been avoiding. I don't know how I'm going to get through it - I'm sure questions about us having kids will come up. Why must I be so weak? Why can't I just be happy for these people? I feel like a very bad person I have to get out of this funk before the holidays...

 

[Ducktales]

Mizuno- ditto
This whole Xmas is about my husbands cousin (6 years younger than me) who gave birth today.
Tbh I don't know how I can get through it
Vodka I think xxxx

 

[2have4kids]

I wish I had the option of not going to these family events this year. My DH is adamant that I go or they will be offended. Ugh.
This weekend we are going to see a friend who just had a baby and who I've been avoiding. I don't know how I'm going to get through it - I'm sure questions about us having kids will come up. Why must I be so weak? Why can't I just be happy for these people? I feel like a very bad person I have to get out of this funk before the holidays...

If you must go then I'm sure DH can agree to answer all of the questions about ttc. It's not fair to force you to go and then not take responsibility covering you on the ttc stuff that upsets you. Make a deal with that man!