advice on surname fiasco...?

[KaeRit21]

hey...i havent posted in here before but im looking for a lil bit of advice.

FOB was my OH up until a couple of weeks ago when i kindly and firmly told him to shove his engagement ring where the sun doesnt ever shine, it was 2nd time round for us, and he thinks of no one but himself and hes messed me about before and i should have learned my lesson. only good thing he's ever done, or given me, is my LO.

up til then i didnt have a problem with giving bubs his surname but now im like why the hell should i...he hasnt bought one thing for bubs, ive done it all myself...and ive had to fight with him tto get him to pay something towards the pram...he hasnt made any effort to sort out anything for his own house for baby, no moses basket, no cot no nothing...and even said to me "will it not be fine sleeping in its pram?" i could have killed him...


now he says am being twisted by changing my mind, and that LO should have his name.
to be honest id rather he wasnt part of any of our lives as i can do it fine on my own...

my parents severely dislike him although they have showed him an open door and at every turn hes let me and them down...


am i being horrible and selfish over this?? is anyone else in similar postion?

xx

 

[woadie]

Well I don't know that I can say a yes or a no... he hasn't made much effort from what you say. About the only thing he's done which my ex didn't is to have shown an interest in being a father... but showing an interest and behaving like one are different matters.

The thing is though... do you love him enough to give him another chance if he starts to behave responsibly? After all, it seems to be the lacking factor in your relationship. Men are renowned for not growing up, and perhaps he is being the child in a different way to the children the rest of us 'singles' have experienced? I'd take back my ex yesterday if he'd have just grown up a bit... tomorrow is now too late... but in your case, well the guy loves you enough to have stuck around, and loves the idea of a child with you... maybe he just needs to grow up a bit now?

Has he asked for you two to stay together?

 

[Becky]

Just remember you can always change bubs name from yours to his if you sort things out but its hard to changed it from his to yours x

 

[KaeRit21]

he hasnt made an effort to do anything, its not just bubs he hasnt shown an interest in, its me to, ive gave him so many chances, i personally am done with him, but im trying to keep lines of communication open for sake of baby, but i honestly do feel its like pulling teeth.

i just wish he'd show some sort of interest, it just seems unfair to me that he hasnt bothered his backside but when bubs arrives he could just swan in and play the doting dad coz it suits him

xxx

 

[bloodbinds]

When i was with OH we agreed LO would have his name. But when he decided he didn't love me, i decided LO's surname should be mine. Why would i want a child whose surname reminds me every day of the man that broke my heart?

OH i think was a little upset by the decision, but he has accepted it.

 

[lou_w34]

Mine mine mine! lol
This baby will be having my surname, and the FOB knows this aswell. He has not contributed one single thing towards this baby, yet he is the one who has a job, while ive been unable to find one since leaving uni, and am now living with my parents and having to rely on benifits, which makes me feel very ashamed.

He has been a complete waste of space.

Stand your ground, if you want this baby to have your surname, then dont back down. After all why should he be involved with the "fun stuff" if he cant be mature enough to help out emotionally or with the moeny side of things.

 

[xxannxx]

I was in a similar situation with my ex, he and his family wanted LO to have his surname, and i didn't, as we weren't together and he was never Mr Reliable. I also didn't want LO having different surname than me as it was me he would be living with, i just told them LO would be taking my name as we weren't married. I also agree with previous post, it is easier to change name to your ex's if things sort themselves out, than it is to change it from his to yours if it doesn't.

 

[KaeRit21]

thanks for the replys girls, ive well and truly made up my mind...id never deny my LO the chance to see him (id LOVE to just walk away and do it myself...but im better than him!) but hes been a complete and utter idiot from the word go.

hasnt bought one single thing, barely said a word about our scan and when i showed him any of the stuff id got he just went "oh..nice". wth does "nice" mean??

its not just the LO its me hes completely let down...our birthdays are less than a month apart and i got him loads, including something from the baby (i duno, call me daft!)...my 21st (which, i dont know, seemed like an important milestone in my life...to me and my family anyway) went by with me spending the day worrying about him (he had a court date) and i didnt even get so much as a "happy birthday" or a card. he "forgot" apparantly. and at that point we were together!!! made me feel great to be forgotton..on my birthday...honestly.


sorry to rant girls, i just dont know what to do..he makes me feel guilty for sticking up for myself, when really its HIM thats in the wrong. if it wasnt for bubs, id cut all contact.

xxxx

 

[Happybeans]

Dont feel guilty. Stick to your guns, its your body, and your baby. You will be the one who does the majority of the hard work.

I certainly won't be naming my baby after its dad. Considering the baby will be with me all the time i think its only fair that we share the same surname, MINE!!!

X

 

[KaeRit21]

I certainly won't be naming my baby after its dad. Considering the baby will be with me all the time i think its only fair that we share the same surname, MINE!!!

X

this bit made me smile...reminded me of my mum and her "put your foot down with a firm hand" speech.

xxx

 

[suzanne108]

My baby is definitely 100% having my surname!!! I didn't even have to think about that one!

I haven't even told FOB to be honest...he hasn't asked and I think it'd be stupid of him to presume.

 

[purpledahlia]

same here, i said one that i hadnt chosen a name cos there was so many and my surname wasnt an easy one to match with.. expecting an argument about using his surname he didnt say anything. i think he knows he wudnt win. i will not have a different name from my child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[prem2pram]

You could always giver you little one a double barrelled surname which is what my daughter has done.

 

[KaeRit21]

i kinda feel the same..id like my LO to have the same name as me. itl be with me all day and be staying here...
thanks girls for all advice and support

xxx

 

[lou_w34]

thanks for the replys girls, ive well and truly made up my mind...id never deny my LO the chance to see him (id LOVE to just walk away and do it myself...but im better than him!) but hes been a complete and utter idiot from the word go.

hasnt bought one single thing, barely said a word about our scan and when i showed him any of the stuff id got he just went "oh..nice". wth does "nice" mean??

its not just the LO its me hes completely let down...our birthdays are less than a month apart and i got him loads, including something from the baby (i duno, call me daft!)...my 21st (which, i dont know, seemed like an important milestone in my life...to me and my family anyway) went by with me spending the day worrying about him (he had a court date) and i didnt even get so much as a "happy birthday" or a card. he "forgot" apparantly. and at that point we were together!!! made me feel great to be forgotton..on my birthday...honestly.


sorry to rant girls, i just dont know what to do..he makes me feel guilty for sticking up for myself, when really its HIM thats in the wrong. if it wasnt for bubs, id cut all contact.

xxxx

I completley understand the guilt thing! If i so much as stick up for myself he makes me feel like the worst human being in the world... yet he can swan off and do whatever he likes and be completley guilt free! I want to cut all contact too, but he is the type of person who would accuse me of pushing him out, even though he's done sod all, just to get back at me.

I get the birthday thing aswell, our birthdays are four days apart, his first, mine second, i got him loads... somehow he managed to "forget" mine, but was able to remember to go out with his friends... charming lol

 

[purpledahlia]

These guys dont deserve their family name to be carried on

 

[suzanne108]

These guys dont deserve their family name to be carried on

Agree 100%

 

[KaeRit21]

These guys dont deserve their family name to be carried on

i really hope my LO is NOTHING like him...damn genetics.


he acts like i should be greatful because hes "gave" me LO....i should stop. hes giving me rage.

xxx

 

[teal]

These guys dont deserve their family name to be carried on

Agree 100%

I'm also in complete agreement!

 

[DizzyMoo]

My son Josh has my surname, not for the fact his bio didn't provide anything but for the fact he is a tosspot & i just knew he would never ever be a good stable reliable caring dad to him, So glad i made that decision to not put him on birth cert. He never exactly whinged either as he thought that would cut him out of csa payments.

Now bumps dad was fuming when i said baby wasn't having his surname, I mean ang on erm why? Why should it have his & not mine? Why should i give my baby a surname of someone else? My son will be living with me so seems stupid to have him called something other than my surname. We will all stay under my surname too.

I really don't know why these men get it into their heads that baby " should " have their name anyway, And what gets me is why they think if they show they are interested or even buy something for baby before its born that that is acceptable enough to have baby have their surname. Hmmm surely a lifetime of this is more important than a couple of month, A man can never prove his is worthy of such in a few month.

At least i have full 100% responsibilty over my children, they both will have the same name as mummy. None will need to ask why they have a different name to one another, or why one has a diff name to me, none will feel less loved or more loved. They grow up with me so will have my name & my name only. I would never give a double barrel surname either not a chance.