Advice please..kinda unwanted visit!

[Rozz1e1]

Ok some advice needed please...am sorry for long post....despite us asking that for at least a week after the birth we dont have his family coming to stay with us as they all wanted to come as soon as I went into labour(!!) his nan and grandad are coming down next week......they know what we wanted but have decided that they will come down a week before my due date and they know that I could go into labour at any point....
And they havent asked if its ok..just gone and booked their train and are not just coming for a weekend...which would be fine, but they are coming to stay on our 2 bedroomed house for the week!!
Now I love his grandparents to bits I really do, but when iv just had the baby I want it to be me and oh bonding with our baby, and getting used to being parents!! I also want to be able to slob around the house without worrying about entertaining guests and making sure they are ok etc and I want to be able to wear scabby pyjamas if i need to lol!!
Now I cant do anything about them coming down..but I need some advice on how to tell them to stop doing things if baby has arrived by then, or arrives when they are here.....OH and I have some firm ideas about how we want those early days to be...the biggest point being that after first couple of days ( we both know those first few days are going to be very odd lol and a whirlwind) we dont want LO being held all of the time...I want her to be able to feel safe knowing that mummy and daddy are there but that she doesnt need to be in someone arms all the time..ie if she is in cot or moses basket and she wakes up and isnt crying etc, just awake...then she doesnt need to be picked up straight away..but his nan has already said that she will just hold her etc and change her etc etc...how can I tell her nicely to back off?
I want OH and I to be doing those things...not have them taken away from us...im sure that a few weeks in lol it will be nice to have a visit and have some help..once we have done it for ourselves first...if that makes sense!
Also she has said that she can help feed baby if i need to rest...um....hard job considering (hopefully) Im going to be breastfeeding!!! And she has mentioned about expressing...im not going to so soon and also the only other person feeeding lo in those very early days is OH!
How do I politely tell her to back off is she is being overbearing?
Thank you in advance lol!! xxxx

 

[Mum2BKW]

Is there no way they could stay in a hotel? Seems very rude of them to book their trains to come and stay without discussing it with you first. Did they speak to OH first or just tell you both that they were coming??

If I were in your shoes I'd be telling them that if you go into labour you would need them to move into a hotel/B&B for the rest of their stay. Find somewhere local and send them the details of where they will be staying, don't make it optional. You can say that you don't know how long you might need to stay in hospital and you don't want people there when you first bring YOUR new baby home. Simple as that, you don't need to justify yourself.

Once baby arrives, if she is overbearing I'm afraid you'll have to say something (and get OH to say something as well, so it's clear that both of you have agreed on these things). She might not start doing all the things she talks about and I'm sure she's just trying to be helpful but I think the only way is to be firm and tell them that you don't want LO to be held constantly etc. You are Mum, what you say goes!

Good luck

 

[Rozz1e1]

Is there no way they could stay in a hotel? Seems very rude of them to book their trains to come and stay without discussing it with you first. Did they speak to OH first or just tell you both that they were coming??

If I were in your shoes I'd be telling them that if you go into labour you would need them to move into a hotel/B&B for the rest of their stay. Find somewhere local and send them the details of where they will be staying, don't make it optional. You can say that you don't know how long you might need to stay in hospital and you don't want people there when you first bring YOUR new baby home. Simple as that, you don't need to justify yourself.

Once baby arrives, if she is overbearing I'm afraid you'll have to say something (and get OH to say something as well, so it's clear that both of you have agreed on these things). She might not start doing all the things she talks about and I'm sure she's just trying to be helpful but I think the only way is to be firm and tell them that you don't want LO to be held constantly etc. You are Mum, what you say goes!

Good luck

Thats not a bad idea re the bnb hun, Im so worried about upsetting them as the rest of his family, his dad etc, are complete ******* and havent helped us once, havent even bothered to phone to see how he is getting on etc. and his grandparents have done so much to help us, i will have a look into bnbs in local area
And I think youre probs right about her not doing the things that she says she will...I just dont want to be weak and just go oh yes ok just because im knackered kinda thing!
I think Iv been really hormonal lol...i did get really upset at the thought of things just being taken away from me if that makes sense xx

 

[maggie111]

That is crazy!!! Seriously? Who books a weeks holiday to come and stay with someone on their due date?!

The only thing I can imagine is they must think they are doing you a favour - you need to let them know that if they baby comes what you want is different to what his Grandmother would have wanted - you want alone time as a family. I guess she must think it'll be useful for you to rest and have her potter around - it's a very old-fashioned view (and lovely too). I wonder if she thinks it'll be handy having her there so you can clean the house etc.

I ditto the previous poster, you need to be straightforward and let them know that when you have the baby you appreciate their help but you will feel uncomfortable having them in your home as you recover so they must stop in a B&B. As an alternative I know Travelodge's are also very cheap.

 

[Mum2BKW]

Is there no way they could stay in a hotel? Seems very rude of them to book their trains to come and stay without discussing it with you first. Did they speak to OH first or just tell you both that they were coming??

If I were in your shoes I'd be telling them that if you go into labour you would need them to move into a hotel/B&B for the rest of their stay. Find somewhere local and send them the details of where they will be staying, don't make it optional. You can say that you don't know how long you might need to stay in hospital and you don't want people there when you first bring YOUR new baby home. Simple as that, you don't need to justify yourself.

Once baby arrives, if she is overbearing I'm afraid you'll have to say something (and get OH to say something as well, so it's clear that both of you have agreed on these things). She might not start doing all the things she talks about and I'm sure she's just trying to be helpful but I think the only way is to be firm and tell them that you don't want LO to be held constantly etc. You are Mum, what you say goes!

Good luck

Thats not a bad idea re the bnb hun, Im so worried about upsetting them as the rest of his family, his dad etc, are complete ******* and havent helped us once, havent even bothered to phone to see how he is getting on etc. and his grandparents have done so much to help us, i will have a look into bnbs in local area
And I think youre probs right about her not doing the things that she says she will...I just dont want to be weak and just go oh yes ok just because im knackered kinda thing!
I think Iv been really hormonal lol...i did get really upset at the thought of things just being taken away from me if that makes sense xx

Glad I could help, hopefully they will be understanding I suspect I will have the same problem when my due date approaches as my Mum is pretty likely to want to come and stay, so I'll have to take some of my own advice!

 

[Rozz1e1]

oh i knw shes not trying to be malicious or anything...shes just trying to help in her own way..thats what akes it so much harder lol bcos i knw she isnt being unkind or thinking tht we wontt be able to cope or anything like that. if I do go into labour whilst there here i will have details of accomadation on stand by...i also have to keep reminding her that she cant come to the hospital with me either as the hspital has a strict no visitors only birth partnersw at delivery suite! I hope that she does help around the house...im sur she will but at the same time i feel bad for saying that as she will be a guest...does that makme sense lol?
Family politics hey!!! xxxx

 

[julesjules100]

Haven't read all the replies but that kind of thing really gets my back up! My FIL said the other day that he was going to "let us know ASAP" when he's driving up from Somerset to drop something off a set of oars at our house in "about 3 weeks time" and to pop in to see us - that's just as I'm getting out of the hospital after a C section! I told them last year that we wanted them to come down (staying with BIL) in the middle of May, which would give me 2 weeks to get over the C and we didn't want any visitors until then. There was no "Is it ok for me to drop these off and come in or would you rather I wait" or "Which date would be better for you?". I flipped out as I've gone to GREAT lengths to make sure they didn't come immediately. Honestly, a set of blo0dy oars from when my DH rowed 18 years ago!

It's nuts for them to expect to stay without even asking first. If it were me I would say straight out that you and OH want time home alone to bond with the baby and if they don't mind, you and OH are going to put them up in a BnB (assuming you can). If that doesn't work then I'd offer to pay for the change to their rail ticket and suggest dates that are convenient for you further down the line for them to come and stay. It really is incredible the short-sightedness of people over these things...

x

 

[myra]

I think it's important that you have a short conversation with them, preferably beforehand. I think you put it really well in your post- that you and OH have a vision of how you want those 1st few days to be and that even though you both may be exhausted, you don't want to have any of that taken away from you, even by the most well-meaning person.

I can relate- my family always stays with whoever we are visiting and for me to suggest my parents stay in a hotel when they come would be unheard of. BUT...my parents will be in town for a week at the beginning of May and if I make it that long (water broke week and a half ago), doc wants to induce me at 32 weeks-- which coincides exactly with their trip. As hard as it is to have to say this to my parents, for my own sanity- I'm letting them know that OH and I will really need our space at home when baby is born, even though he will be in NICU for a while. So I'm not asking but telling in the most diplomatic way I can, that I have found a place for them to stay nearby. What's great about this place is that it is a small apartment, for the same cost of a bnb or hotel, so it has a kitchen. My mom can cook away to her heart's content (which I know she'd want to do for us) and we can see them occasionally.

Not sure where you are located, but you might want to check out these 2 sites and see if they have something in your area:

www.homeaway.com

www.airbnb.com

 

[Rozz1e1]

i think we are going to have to talk them again...its hard also becasue its a long trip...161 miles and i dont know if in reality icould ask them to stay somewhere else but maybe if oh and i are really firm and honest with them about what we want and tat we will be ones doing all the work so to speak..it might not be so bad...at least then i would feel a bit more in control of the situation..thats what has thrown me he most..giving birth you have no control over an im a control freak lol but to feel like iv no control afterwards etc also i think has made me just a bit crazy lol!!! thank you ladies for understanding! i thought i would come across as ungrateful for the support and im truly not...i would just like those few days to bond...fingers crossed she comes before saturday lol and i get them lol!! xxxx