Advice please

[sugarlove]

I recently got a text message off an old friend who's pregnant saying 'We've just had our 20 week scan and will be welcoming a little boy into the world in January! So so excited hope all is well xxx'

I don't know if it's just me, but I got really upset with the text. It's obviously a blanket text that she has sent to loads of people, and I feel quite hurt that she didn't tone it down a bit for me, since she knows I miscarried in April. It just felt really insensitive, like she hasn't thought how that might make me feel.

I was having a really bad day, and cried when I saw the text as so many of my friends are pg at the mo and I'm not, so I sent one back saying 'a bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss when I've had a miscarriage'. I probably regret sending it now, and presumed that she would text me back and we could have sorted it out, but she's now deleted me as her friend off fb.

Just want a bit of advice really, and to find out whether other people would have got upset with a text like that, or maybe it's just me totally over-reacting.

Thanks

 

[stay.positive]

I would have gotten upset too, but at the same time I have given up expecting that people who have not been through a loss will understand how devastating it is. Your friend is probably in this haze of happiness and was not thinking of your reaction or didn't think you would still be upset about it (although I really understand!!). Do you want to try and repair your friendship or is it ok to let it go?

 

[Starry Night]

I'm sorry. I understand how hard it is to receive news like that. And I'm sorry your friend deleted you off fb. But I'm not sure I blame her for being upset either. People shouldn't have to hide their pregnancies and if they're happy about something they should be able to share it. I don't know this particular woman and maybe she's the type to flaunt and that would certainly be uncalled for. There's even the possibility she deleted you off fb because she realizes how painful her pregnancy news would be for you but doesn't want to hold back either so perhaps she's trying to spare you the pain?

Really, I think we need to let our pregnant friends be happy and celebratory about their babies. Don't visit their fb profiles, send a present along to a shower if you just can't bring yourself there, and gently remind them to change the topic if they're going on too much about baby stuff. It hurts to see them get what we want but it's not their fault we lost our babies either. And maybe some friendships will just fade into genial acquaintances and that's OK too.

Maybe you can call your friend and let her know you're happy for her but it still brings back painful memories to hear too much about it.

 

[sugarlove]

thanks for the reply. I think the bit of the text that I got upset about was the 'so so excited bit!' It felt like a right boot in the stomach, especially as I'm still not pg after the mc and nearly all my friends are now expecting at the same time in Jan when I would have been due in Nov.

It's going to be awkward in the future as we are friends with the same uni crowd, so will inevitably be in the same room at some point.

I'm really hurt that she's now deleted me off fb. Seems quite extreme without trying to sort it out with me.

I can see how she maybe thinks I'm a total bitch, but I really was in floods of tears at the text and just snapped.

Don't really know if the friendship is worth saving. She didn't send me as much as a card when I miscarried and lost my mother in law the day I went into hospital, so maybe it's not worth bothering with.

I suppose I just wanted to know if other people would have been upset by it.

x

 

[zelda]

I would have been upset too. Its naturaal to feel that way. You shouldnt feel guilty about feeling upset and sad and hurting your friends feeling. I know pregnant people who have been careful about gushing about baby stuff when they herad about my mc.Hope you feel better.

 

[sugarlove]

I should stress that I was honestly really happy for her when she told me she was pg, and I told her it was fab news and sent a nice card.

Just felt that the blanket text was one step too far. If the roles were reversed, I'm pretty sure I would have been more sensitive to her feelings.

Oh well, I think that friendship has come to an end. Removing me off fb is a pretty clear message

 

[BabyQ]

Personally, I agree with you, it was a little insensitive.

Yep, so she's happy, but even in times like these people still need to understand other peoples feelings. It's called being selfless. People are so "ME, ME, ME!" these days it really bugs me.

Since my mc a lot of my friends (some having mcd before, others not) have been so fantastic about their pregnancies with me, they play them down, and I really appreciate it. I ask them how things are going on the days I feel good. I am honestly so happy for them but it hurts.

So she deleted you on facebook - chances are she feels guilty and embarrassed rather than upset or angry. I would have been livid - quite rude really. You just take care of yourself, you're better off without her xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[sugarlove]

Thanks for the reply. I think she's more angry than guilty, as her sister has also deleted me off fb.

Have felt so upset about this all night. I'm not sure that this warranted being deleted off fb by them both.

I've got another friend who's just had her baby, and she has been so fab. She's told me that she understands if I don't feel comfortable visiting the new baby. I don't have a problem with this and have bought a cute little baby outfit to take round, but I so appreciate her saying this. Having said that, she's had 2 miscarriages herself, so she totally gets how painful it is.
x

 

[aussiettc]

HI i'm sorry for you loss and the situation you are in at the moment.
I think that since the fact you are upset with the "so excited" part of her message means that you have some underlying grief to deal with youself which doesn't involve her. Would you still feel the same way if it was your friend who had had the MC?? If the answer is Yes then i think you need to look at the way you are handling your loss.

Remember that pregnant people don't want to know or hear or think about MC beccause it means coming to the reality that it may happen to them so it just easier to block it out altogether even if this means they might be insensitive to others in the process.

Also as for the death of family, some people just dont know what to say to when people loos a loved one. I lost a family member the day after i had a MC in June and honestly i didn't get any messages or cards form anyone cause most just didn't know what to say or how to act.

As far as the deleting you off facebook, people do all sorts things in the heat of the moment. Maybe like you she is regretting what she's done now.

If i were you i would send your friend a message or ring her and have a chat to explain why you were so hurt but you dont want to loose a friend over something small when you have already lost so much this year.
THats just my opinion.

 

[Starry Night]

Just wanted to make it clear that I'm not blaming you for being upset or doing what you did. I guess I just don't like seeing friendships break up. But if she isn't going to be understanding than it really isn't fair to ask you to put up with her pregnancy talk.

It's a tricky line to walk isn't it? You want to be happy for your friends but you gotta preserve your own sanity too.

 

[bluesky]

sugarlove, im finding it really difficult hearing others good news too. Just had a phonecall from a friend to say she is pregnant and so is her sister double whamy, I congratulated her but it really hurts and I had a good cry with DH.

xxx

 

[sugarlove]

bluesky, hope you are feeling a bit better.

I have had numerous pg announcements and births in the last few months. Hurts like hell, reckon it's just the age me and my friends all are (34) that they are all happening at the same time.

When was your mc? When I had mine at start of April, I had such high hopes that I would fall quickly again, and I'm getting more and more disheartened after each month.

take care of yourself
x

 

[bluesky]

Thanks Sugarlove, feel better after a nap this afternoon cant spend the whole day miserable everytime I hear someones good news. Yes I have few friends preg and 1 just gave birth. Im 30 so its gonna happen as everyones got/getting married and its the next step.

Had my mc in April too, Im not even trying yet cos I had retained products and lots of probs after and now waiting for test results so going to wait until I get them before I start trying again.

Hope we both get our BFP's soon xxx

 

[LucyJ]

Sugarlove I totally understand how you feel its a very hard line to walk. Of course your happy for your friends but also it is difficult for you. I think it is a shame your friend wasn't a bit more tactful in the text she sent and yours was a knee-jerk reaction to that text which I'm assuming has upset her hense why she deleted you of FB. Personaly I would like to think that she would of called or written to you to discuss things rather than just delete you. If she's only thinking about herself maybe shes not someone you need in your life at the moment. Maybe write to her explain how you feel and that you didnt mean to upset her with your text but it is very hard for you and see what she says.

When you've suffered a lose it is very hard dealing with other peoples pregnancy my sil was due 3 days before what would of been my due date, my brother and her were very understanding straight after I lost my baby but my brother wasnt very sensitive later on ringing and telling me all about their 20 week scan without realising how hard it was for me. She's had her baby in aug (he was 8 weeks early) my hubby and I havnt been done to see him yet as it has been quite hard I didnt want to be visiting a maternity ward he is now home so we are hoping to go and see him soon. I am very happy he is doing well and happy for them.

Please dont give up hope I miscarried the end of march this year it was my first pregnancy we found out at our 12 week scan that our little one had died at 10 weeks. I have just found out that I am pregnant again it is early days and very scary but it did happen and I was starting to give up hope. Dont get disheartened it will happen again for you.

 

[sugarlove]

thanks for you message Lucy and congrats on that BFP

always nice to hear of someone getting pg again after a mc. Have a happy and healthy 9 months
x