advice plz

[taylor197878]

I asked this question on another bit of the fourm but a thought in here would be better,

im just after some advice as a have never did this before, me and my ex finally split 6 weeks ago its not very civil and we don't speak its all done through lawyers, my ex was a horriable man that I spent 16 years with he was mental abusive and at the end up I had to go to womans aid as a didn't know if I was coming or going he even went as far as saying he had 80% chance off custody off the kids even though am not a bad mum and don't have any social workers a don't drink a don't party a dont do drugs the house is clean and the kids are well looked after, anyway after that a had enough and told him to get lost and went to lawyers and got access written up which on a few occasions he hasn't turned up,

now I have meet someone else its still pretty early and only been together 4 weeks he stays when the kids go to there dads although my 2 eldest have met him but they are 18 and 13, my 3 year old doest understand but its my 9 year old he is a daddys boy and am worried about introducing him am not meaning now a was thinking mid jan when we have been together 2 months,

I have a feeling my ex will flip and try and take me to court cause off this can he do that, my new partner has kids doesn't drink or do drugs and has a job,


plus when we split last year my ex took the kids to meet his gf at the time after a few months of them being together and then they split a few weeks later,

also when a met my ex I had a daughter she was 18 months at the time and he meet her a week after we meet,

I just want to move on with my life but I get scared that anything I will do he will flip and take me to court and I will lose my kiddies,

a feel like am still walking on egg shells and always will,

he also doesn't pay for the kids when he has them he has to feed them but he takes them to his mums or his sisters and they feed them and a few times he has given my 9 year old super noodles for dinner which isn't food and isn't acceptiable for kids, then when he came bk today from being at his dads a asked what u have for dinner and he says 2 sausage rolls from gregs, my 13 year old says his cupboards are bare apart from a few things in it as mine are always full to the brim,

when a seen him a few weeks ago he even had the cheek to ask me for money for the kids cause he cant afford to feed them and give them play piece money I said no way and he says well u get the money for them and I remind him that's why I don't go to csa,

he has them boxing day and my daughter was saying he is spending a 100 pounds on them each am thinking is that all on the 3 off them im over 1000 pounds,

I would just love some advice and sorry its been a long story thank u

 

[Mummy1995]

It's up to you ultimately. I'd not worry about your ex. A court isn't going to take your kids away because you introduce your boyfriend to them. Although I doubt I'd introduce them as a boyfriend to the 9 and 3 year old and more like a close friend to begin with so you can see how they are with each other. Others would say they'd wait 6months+. I personally wouldn't be waiting that long, it's a bit difficult being a lone parent with a clingy baby, you can't get out! So I see nothing wrong with introducing them as friends but id never leave them alone together good luck

 

[taylor197878]

thank u yeah a would do it as a friend and not partner that all comes with time, and ur right its hard to date and be a single mum,

tks again

 

[moomin_troll]

If he tried to take u to court over this he would be laughed at, plus do u really think he has the money?
I introduced my boyfriend as a friend, we had been seeing each other for afew weeks, it wasn't planned. He had stayed over and zane woke up early and saw him in my bed hahaha
U deserve a life and ur ex can't control u. Don't worry!
Just keep a note book of all he says to u just incase he ever tried to pull a stunt

 

[taylor197878]

thank u he would get legal aid as he doesn't work and il deff do the friends thing, there Is a lot of evidence off the mental abuse as when a called the police they refer it to there domestic abuse team they have loads off records they even came up to c me yesterday just to make sure a was okay,

I have never did this before usually a back down and he wins but had enough off that a just want to live my life normally,

 

[moomin_troll]

Yeah live your life and fight the b*stard all the way!
Hate "men" like him

 

[taylor197878]

Tks he proclaims he.loves the kids yet turns up half the time to c them. He went 5 weeks without seeing Brooke. Am going to get a different lawyer and am going to c if a can take him to court a want a regisay order although we were not married so not sure a can do that a also want the dates and times he gets the kids noted and singed by a court then if he doesn't come then the court will come down on him.

He gets loads off access then says a stop him seeing the kids when its all written down.

 

[tessica123]

thank u he would get legal aid as he doesn't work and il deff do the friends thing, there Is a lot of evidence off the mental abuse as when a called the police they refer it to there domestic abuse team they have loads off records they even came up to c me yesterday just to make sure a was okay,

I have never did this before usually a back down and he wins but had enough off that a just want to live my life normally,

he wont get legal aid, the rules have changed drastically

im a single mum to two toddlers and dont work at present and i went to see if i could get legal aid to get some kind of contat order set out as ex doesnt have them but then demanded to have them over night xmas eve so id fetch them xmas day and he didnt have to put himself out

the lawyer told me only way would get legal aid was if id got a restraining order on him ( he kicks off everytime i say no to him) and ive have to pay for the order

she advised me to tell him no to xmas eve let him kick off call police then her get restraining order slapped on him (which id have to pay for unless when he kicked off he was violent then id get legal aid) then i cold get legal aid

they have changed to cut costs but its so easy to abuse system like my lawyer advised me
would cost £300ish for restraining order but then id get legal aid for contact which could amount to thousands

if you are not happy he is looking after the children whilst they in his care food wise then perhaps contact childrens services ive had them involved in past with my ex he didnt stick to it but they were very helpfull

 

[taylor197878]

tks lawyers are still off on holiday and he hasn't turned up the past 4 visits to c the kids and a don't know what to do now this isn't this first time he hasn't turned up, his excuse was he was away with his new gf and the other 1 was he was going out, my poor son who is a daddys boy was breaking his heart asking why his daddy didn't want him felt so bad,

a just don't know what to do now.

 

[Mummy1995]

I think for your sons sake I wouldn't tell her when he's coming as a starting point so if he doesn't turn up he won't be upset. Is there a court order in place? If not I'd document what's going on and tell your ex that he has to start coming every time without fail or he can't see him, but that's just me and I think seeing them should be always or not at all. If there is a court order I'd document it all again and then try to save as much as possible for a lawyer or mediation x

 

[taylor197878]

hi there is no court order in place as he hasn't taken me to court but it is all did through lawyers im wating till mon to see what he says.

my son is 9 so he knows what days his dad comes,

I really don't want to stop access as he is there dad its a hard one to do but a also cant have the kids upset either not fair on them.

 

[moomin_troll]

Sometimes cutting people out who do nothing but hurt your family is the best thing you can do.
If he can keep hurting ur son this way then it shows he won't stop being a waste of space.
I'd tell him he can't see the kids anymore until he starts doing it on time every week. My guess is he will threaten to take u to court, call his bluff and say yeah that's perfect. I'm sure once he realises he won't get legal aid he will crawl back under his rock

 

[Mummy1995]

I agree ^. I understand your want for your son to know his dad but honestly all that heart ache every time he doesn't turn up will a lot of the time cause a lot more emotional problems for him than not seeing him at all as he won't understand why daddy doesn't love him and only sees him when he feels like it it's a really hard situation.

I'd probably threaten him with cutting contact and see how he reacts. Maybe even record your son when he cries for him and show him? Maybe that'll give him a reality check (if he has a heart) as maybe he just doesn't understand the upset it causes x

 

[taylor197878]

thank u girls part of me wishes he would take me to court cause a know he wouldn't get away with what he does now, he can turn up for a few weeks then not for a few visits my son doesn't understand he is such a daddys boy as my daughter is 13 she knows what he is like and has given up on him she knows he is a waste of space,

zack is adhd so he dosnt understand things the same way as a normall 9 year old,

I have given him loads off acces and a don't think the courts would give him that much,


and he will get legal aid as he is taking me to court to c his kids.

 

[moomin_troll]

I doubt even if he could get legal aid that he'd go threw the hassle of filing papers and setting court dates.

 

[taylor197878]

Thank u he finally came and took zack last night but he was a ass zack is on med for his adhd and his dad refused to give them to him saying he doesn't agree a eventually called social work for advice and found out alot off stuff which has helped me found out cause am.in Scotland he has no parental rights and a have them all and full redesday as well and if he refuses to give zack his meds I can stop contact cause he doesn't have zack interest at heart also called my lawyer who also confirmed it.

When a picked zack up from school his dad had given him his tablets.