Advice/support on in-laws that don't get "Unexplained Infertility" diagnosis

[KatO79]

So for those of you that don't know me, I turned 36 at the start of May and have been TTCing since I was 34½ years old (so started around October 2013). I recently went through my 6th IUI (with injectables, Puregon) and am now 5 dpiui.

My in-Laws have never been very understanding of our problem and my MIL has on numerous occasions told me to "Just relax and it'll happen" as she had no issues conceiving her 3 sons (I married the middle child)So I was at my in-laws' yesterday and the discussion fell on when we had our last insemination. So we also got into when we can start IVF (around October due to the long waiting list at the local hospital) and then they start saying we just need to "think positive" and it'll surely happen. When I asked them why I didn't get pregnant the first 6 months in that case, they didn't really have an answer other than we weren't relaxed even though we were. But when I mentioned other people having gotten pregnant after giving up and being very negative then they said it was because those people had relaxed and that's why. So they basically had an answer for everything They refuse to understand the concept of "unexplained infertility" because they think that means that there's absolutely nothing wrong with us and it should happen. I tried giving it one last go but they don't get it and are incapable of getting it

I pretty much want to give up at this point because they just keep on harping on that unexplained infertility Means that there's nothing wrong even though there's clearly something up when we've tried for so long and it hasn't happened (although don't know yet about this last IUIs outcome, can first test around 15-16 dpiui).

Anyone else had a similar issue and had a good way of dealing with people refusing to understand unexplained infertility?

 

[Jessicahide]

Excuse my ignorance but that is what I assumed unexplained fertility was.... No reason they can detect xxx the problem is people don't know what to say, they like things to be in a neat box and people don't bloody fit in them xxx sorry I can't offer any real advice just wanted to send love xxxx

 

[boobear2872]

Your inlaws are ignorant and need to keep there stupid thoughts to themselves. Unexplained means simply that. Something is wrong but as of right now they do not know why. Since there so antagonizing , unsupportive and plain rude. I would tell them there not helping the situation by stressing you out. That you wont be talking to them about any of this in the future unless they can be supportive. Then if they try to still talk. You ignore..
You have enough to deal with, you dont need family to stress you out (hugs)

 

[KatO79]

Unexplained means simply that. Something is wrong but as of right now they do not know why.

Thanks boobear2872

This is exactly what I tried to tell them but they kept saying that since the RE didn't find anything wrong during the testing phase (which involved a CD3 hormone tests, HSG and a u/s), that that means there's nothing wrong so it must be me stressing too much or being too negative This coming from people that started TTCing when she was about 25-26 (while I was 34½ when we started). To make things even more frustrating, they mentioned how many couples get pregnant after adopting because they were now relaxed I was literally about to bang my head on their table in the end because they refused to hear what I was saying to them DH wasn't being very helpful in the discussion which wasn't good as it made me look like the nutty one since he wasn't being supportive enough in front of them.

The question is how to say this in a polite manner as I otherwise have a good relationship with them and don't want to ruin that.

 

[jules87]

To me the only solution is to not talk about it with them. They aren't going to stop telling you to "relax", and at this point I don't think they will ever just agree that there is something wrong. I would simply tell them that you appreciate all their input but you don't want to talk about it anymore, because it's causing extra stress. Since you have a good relationship with them, hopefully they will understand. If it gets brought up, you need to stop it right away and tell them you don't want to talk about it.

My in-laws and my family were the same way. I put up with it for 2 years before I told EVERYONE to back off. I told them I couldn't deal with the stress of it anymore and that for my sake, they needed to let it go.

I hope you are able to get past this easily!

 

[KatO79]

To me the only solution is to not talk about it with them. They aren't going to stop telling you to "relax", and at this point I don't think they will ever just agree that there is something wrong. I would simply tell them that you appreciate all their input but you don't want to talk about it anymore, because it's causing extra stress. Since you have a good relationship with them, hopefully they will understand. If it gets brought up, you need to stop it right away and tell them you don't want to talk about it.

My in-laws and my family were the same way. I put up with it for 2 years before I told EVERYONE to back off. I told them I couldn't deal with the stress of it anymore and that for my sake, they needed to let it go.

I hope you are able to get past this easily!

No, they probably aren't It's amazing to me that they'd keep on saying it even though I've explained it. I thought I did a good job of educating them about unexplained infertility but they don't seem to want to absorb it. They keep on blamin me although I don't think that that's they're intention, just what it really is. They're not mean people, just naive.

Thanks, I will try this and see if it helps. Maybe I'll just add that we'll let them know when we get that BFP and otherwise they can assume there's nothing to report

Oh your family too? Mine have been horrible. My narcissistic mother used to rub in my face how easily she got pregnant with all 6 of her kids (that she regrets having BTW) and my narcissistic brother thinks I'm being "too sensitive" so he doesn't want to talk to me about it (or anything else for that matter since he's been ignoring me for almost 7 months since I politely asked him to never get personal with me in a debate again) and has been insensitive and condescending whenever we have talked about it. My possibly narcissistic sister won't talk to me about it either, ditto for my enabler cousin. So yeah, my family has been horrible as well, worse that my in-laws.

 

[DandJ]

I agree with jules, tell them they're causing you more stress, thus preventing you from "relaxing" since they can't comprehend unexplained fertility.

Honestly, I think unexplained fertility is a complete and utter ridiculous term for the medical field. It CAN be explained, it just needs to be further evaluated.

My hubs and I are considered "normal" but we are listed under that category. It sucks and every person who tells me to "relax, it will happen when it's supposed do" I just nod and smile. It's no use explaining to them and most of them saying the phrase already have children so they just don't get it.

I'm sorry your family of all people can't be more supportive to your situation, I can't imagine what that is like. However, us women going through unexplained fertility do!

 

[jules87]

Wow, I'm sorry your family is being such a pain!

To be honest, when we first told people to leave us alone about it.. it was rough. Some people took offense to it. However, it didn't take long for them to get over it and now everything is as it should be. Nobody is bugging us about having kids or about infertility; and we are able to relax a bit more and focus on just us and our journey through this.
My family didn't constantly tell us how easy it should be (that was coming more from friends). My family leaned more towards been too "positive" and started pushing adoption. DH is not comfortable with adoption and I don't know that he ever will be. So that was just one more thing we were trying to explain to people.... At least until I got fed up with it.

Stay strong! If you want them to leave you alone about it you need to communicate that with them. You can do it!

 

[Myshelsong]

Honestly kat stop letting this bother you.
You know they don't understand, you know that their only comprehension on it is that you are not relaxed enough, you have had many issues with them over the years so it is time to give up on educating them.
You Are not going to be able to change their mind and you know that, so either stop talking to them about it or just stop arguing with them about being relaxed. That is the only way you are going to be able to let go of the anger.

I know that I sounds like I am being blunt, but we are thread buddies and you know my story and I know yours, so I feel this is not out of line.

 

[KatO79]

Honestly kat stop letting this bother you.
You know they don't understand, you know that their only comprehension on it is that you are not relaxed enough, you have had many issues with them over the years so it is time to give up on educating them.
You Are not going to be able to change their mind and you know that, so either stop talking to them about it or just stop arguing with them about being relaxed. That is the only way you are going to be able to let go of the anger.

I know that I sounds like I am being blunt, but we are thread buddies and you know my story and I know yours, so I feel this is not out of line.

I know but I thought if I gave it one last real go and explain what "unexplained infertility" really means, then maybe they'd show some flicker of understanding. Unfortunately it didn't work so needed to know how to tell them to drop it as kindly and politely as possible since I don't want to be on unfriendly terms with them. I have enough issues with my own narcissistic family and a few members that don't want to talk to me anymore, I don't need to alienate my in-laws as well Our future child will already have lost a few family members on my side due to their mental illness and dysfunctional way of communicating, I don't need him/her to lose any more.

Hopefully, I can get them to stop asking now, no more giving them more chances to get it, they've been given one too many already

 

[Moma Ali]

they only recommend IVF for unexplained (instead of clomid or IUI) because in most unexplained cases the answer is found during IVF which is often egg issues (growth, maturity, chomosonal etc...) or undiagnosed genetic illness

they say the first round of IVF is diagnostic for that reason, I think mine might be genetic as many female in my family struggle to carry a pregnancy so the same 'unexplained' thing probably effects all of us but its impossible to tell without physically removing the eggs and testing them

 

[KatO79]

they only recommend IVF for unexplained (instead of clomid or IUI) because in most unexplained cases the answer is found during IVF which is often egg issues (growth, maturity, chomosonal etc...) or undiagnosed genetic illness

they say the first round of IVF is diagnostic for that reason, I think mine might be genetic as many female in my family struggle to carry a pregnancy so the same 'unexplained' thing probably effects all of us but its impossible to tell without physically removing the eggs and testing them

In Denmark, you are put through 6 IUIs, even if you're diagnosed unexplained, because the state pays and wants to make sure they need to pay for IVF. Really silly because they could save Money by recommending more for IVF instead of having them go through 6 IUIs So it's not true in all cases I guess.

I'm sure IVF can be diagnostic for some but I've heard of many women that had normal eggs that weren't able to conceive with numerous IUIs but IVF worked very well for them. As far as I understand it, eggs isn't the only reason one may have issues conceiving. There are a lot of other factors and processes involved when it comes to conceiving, some are known but many are not. I don't think it's possible to find the answer to everyone's "unexplained infertility" diagnosis with IVF since some go through numerous IVFs yet fail to get pregnant. There's just so much they can't test for, at least that's what one of the nurses at the fertility clinic told me and she has years of experience in the field. She said you can have a great egg that's fertilized, the endometrial lining has a great thickness and everything looks really good yet the IVF can still result in a BFN. So much is unknown at the moment Hopefully science will develop a way to help diagnose these issues and help women get pregnant quicker and more effectively instead of putting them through treatments that won't help them in their case.

BTW I love your avi