Advice urgently needed

[mummyx2]

Hi all

My name is Niki, I havent posted in this bit before, but was hoping someone could offer some advice.

I am a mum of a 5 year old boy Tyler, 2 year old boy Struan and baby Oliver is due in 4 weeks time.

Its my 5 year old I am having serious trouble with, I have been having problems with him for a few years, so its not something that has came on with me falling pregnant. His behaviour is awful, hes agressive, cannot sit still for more than 5 minutes, stroppy, if he doesn't get his own way he creates merry hell, I do ignore this, and he still does not get his own way, but nothing seems to work.

I have behaviour charts, have tried time out with use of a naughty seat, consequences, eg, if he misbehaves he loses outside time, or tv time, even stopping him going to his dads at the weekend when things are really bad, I make sure I follow through on what I have taken away, as I know if I give in he will think oh it doesnt matter. I am at my wits end.

My hv is as much use as a chocolate teapot and says I need to just smile and brush all this off, how can i??? I am still having to put him in pull ups at night time as he refuses to get up to use the toilet.

All this is based around home, he is the model child when it comes to school and being at other peoples houses.

 

[stepmummy]

Goodness sounds like you're having a really tough time. Everything I would suggest it looks like you'e tried already. When I first met my SD, she was similar with tantrums, stroppiness and general bad behaviour and I found that a very firm no nonsense approach helped and a lot of positive attention and affection when she was good. She quickly learned that not only did I expect to be listened to, but also that just because I'd told her off it didn't mean I didn't love her any more.

I am guessing you've probably tried that too but I didn't want to R&R. Have you thought about trying a different GP? Don't be afraid to ask for a second opinion if you're not happy with your GP.

 

[mummyx2]

Thankyou for the reply, the last time I spoke to my GP I left in tears, after being made to feel it was all down to the way I was dealing with things, I will call my surgery on Monday and try and get another appointment with someone different.

I do love him, but the more he acts like this the harder I am finding it to show him that, which makes me feel even worse, his stepdad is the only 1 that seems to have any effect, but until we get housed he doesnt live with us, so isnt around all the time, and needs to work, so obviously cant be here all the time anyway.

xx

 

[MiniMomOfMany]

Children are so often 'reflectors' of what is going on around them, and when there are lots of transitions (new baby, housing shifts, etc) it can really be reflected in a little one's behavior. When they are feeling unsettled, displaced, out-of-sorts, etc, and their behavior is at it's worst as a result, that's when they most need understanding from and communication with their parents (connection), but that's when we're most likely to punish them (correction). 'Connect to correct' is shifting focus from controlling their behavior to meeting their needs. One idea would be a 'time-in.' This takes consistency and availability on your part, but that pretty much sums up everything about mommyhood, doesn't it, lol? A 'time-in' spot can be a sofa or a window seat or bean bag, whatever will hold two people and some paper and crayons and books. Explain to your lo that when he is upset, he can go to the 'cuddle corner' (or whatever you and he decide to name it) himself or invite you to join him (If/when he invites you, go right away because it's a big deal for a child to invite someone into his problems!) or, if he's having behavior issues, you will invite him to join you there. Tell him it is a place for him to calm down, maybe look at a book or draw a picture if he goes alone or talk about his problem or just get some cuddles if he invites you or if you invite him. When he's having behavior issues, the purpose of the 'time-in' is to reconnect and find out what is causing the issues so you can meet those needs instead of just trying to control the 'symptoms' (negative behavior). This link https://wp.me/p1CpgO-b0 has a collection of gentle parenting tips and insights where you can find other ideas that might work for you. HTH!

 

[babyhopesxx]

Hi Niki, i'm sure i've seen you in 3rd Tri before and i'm in thesame boat as you my DS who will be 6 on thursday has just turned out to be the most badly tempered child, he constantly answers back, yells at me everytime i ask him to do something and throws the most horrid tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. He has always been a bit of hard work but lately i've been at my wits end, i just don't know what to do with him anymore. My baby is due in 5 wks and my partner moved in too i'm assuming his worsening problems are to do with this, and him going into a new school class next month.
I've tried the same things as you, taking away his favourite toys etc, i give him plenty of warnings and i always follow through my warnings but nothing seems to have an effect and he doesn't learn that by answering back and yelling at me then he will lose his favourite toys.
What the previous poster said seems like a good idea and i will try that next time he misbehaves and see how that works. Although i have tried talking to him before but seem to get nowhere because he doesn't seem to tell me why he acts this way and he just keeps saying i've upset him and i need to be nice
If you need to chat then you can pm me, i have no advice because i've tried all i know but i know what it's like

 

[MiniMomOfMany]

Hi, ladies! Just a quick follow up. If you can manage it, set up the 'time-in' area when your little one isn't upset or in trouble so they don't associate it with punishment (also, don't use it as a threat or form of punishment because it's a place of connection, not correction!) and so they are more open to the idea. Once you set it up, don't try to force them into using it. If you see them cranking up into a fit or getting aggressive, mildly suggest that they might try their 'Cuddle corner'/'Break time'/'Chill spot' and ask if they'd like you to come cuddle or chat with them or if they need some alone time. If they resist, calmly follow on with your normal course of handling the situation and wait til next time to bring up the time-in spot again. It can take a while for them to shift gears and trust that you aren't just setting up a new form of punishment.

 

[JASMAK]

I think the punishment should fit the crime. I usually do time outs, but as they children get older, I have moved to some other punishments. For example, one day my son decided to pee in a fish bowl (NO IDEA WHY). I made him clean it up, wash it out, throw it in the trash, and asked him not to do it again. That kind of thing. As far as pull ups at night, that is quite common. My son was 5 or 6 when he finally got out of them, and he had a couple weeks of accidents almost nightly before he was dry. Praise him when you catch him being good, and maybe build his self esteem at home by giving him some tasks to make him feel responsible. My kids have never hit too much, but when they have, they do get a time out where I explain it hurts to hit and we use words and we talk about how they could have handled it differently. Then they have to apologize to me for breaking the rules, and to the person. Just be consistent and try not to use it against them later...when the punishment is done...back to normal. x x

 

[hypnorm]

How does he behave at school? they could refer you to a behaviourist if they are having trouble with him in school, i think that is something i may have to do this year with my boy.

 

[05mummy07]

I've just posted a similar thread about my 6 year old.... also called Tyler.

I too am at my wits end, and have had no help from my HV, not even callbacks when I call her. Getting really fed up with it all now.