Advice? WTT Because DH and I Won't Live Together

[LondonH]

So I have a strange situation and I'm feeling sad because I haven't found anyone who can relate (maybe some military wives out there?). I am hoping for some advice and I apologize for the long post.

I turn 33 this year (DH is 33). We've been together for 10 years, married for 7. I worked crappy jobs for years while my DH took time off, figured out what he wanted, got through school and started his career. I finally got my chance to go back to grad school a few years ago.

My DH's work gave him 2 years of leave so he could come with me to another state while I went to grad school. My program was 3 years long so the last year, he went back & we had to live in different states for a year. It was REALLY hard. In Dec., an opening at his job came available in another state. We assumed that even though I was applying for jobs all over, that I wouldn't get anything so he decided to take the job. About 3 months after that, I got offered a full time faculty position in Colorado! It was pretty much unheard of as I hadn't even graduated yet. I finally proved to our families that my career is viable & it was a huge deal to have my hard work pay off... but I admit, I was looking forward to being with DH. I had conversations with him about not taking the job & us focusing on buying a house & settling down. He makes enough to support both of us within a budget but I've always been the one working multiple jobs & he isn't up to the responsibility of doing it. He said we had to have dual income & he wasn't ready for a baby so I signed a contract with the job in CO.

I recently moved all of our stuff to be with him this summer & then move to CO in August when school starts. I've been hit with the realization that my clock is ticking bad this summer though! I had been off of BCP for a year & a half (they gave me migraines) & in that time I only had 4 periods. Endometriosis runs in my family too. Nearly all of DH's friends have already had kids & he doesn't understand why, "people are having them so early." I set up appointments with a OB/GYN to figure why I don't have periods regularly & to educate DH. Blood Tests show FSH:20, LH .8, and AMH is 1.7 ng/mL. So my fertility is low, but not horrible as far as we know? My OB/GYN told me that she would not advise me to go to CO and she thinks I should spend a year getting my health on track & seeing a fertility specialist so that everything is optimal if we had a baby in a year. She said not to wait two years to TTC, that I would be disappointed. I presented this info to DH & we talked about me going to CO for a year, giving us time to buy our first home where DH is, & then I would come back next spring & we would start a family.

I reluctantly started on BCP this month, hoping they would help with the moody/broody stuff & the painful AF. DH suggested stopping the pills in December, when I have a month off between semesters. He thinks we can start TTC during Christmas break. The last time I stopped BCP, I didn't have AF for 8 months so what are your thoughts on this? Also... this means if I did get pregnant, I would be completely alone in another state and hormonal during spring semester. My job is about 48 hours a week & most of my courses involve working with strong photo chemicals.. can't be good for being pregnant. I worry about being sick & having a breakdown! Can anyone share how they felt?

I asked DH to get a fertility check just to cover everything. His male primary care Dr. asked, "How old are you?" DH: "33." Dr.: "Oh you're young, you have YEARS. Don't worry about it." So DH comes home and says "The Dr. says we have plenty of time and don't need to worry." Now he goes back & forth talking about me going to CO for a year or maybe 2 years. Talk about 10 steps forward & 20 steps back! Men are so clueless!! Right now, all I can think about is the stress of it possibly taking a long time to conceive.. but I spent years putting my career off & I know I worked too hard to throw it away. If I work full time as a professor for a year, I think that it would be easier to take time off to have a baby and then I'll have experience when I go back and apply for teaching jobs where DH is. Can anyone offer advice and thoughts?

 

[MindUtopia]

I can definitely relate to your experience, though I was a little bit younger when I was going through it (and didn't have any fertility concerns). I'm also an academic, finishing up a PhD in sociology any day now (thank god!), and for the first 2 years of my doctoral program, I had to move back to the U.S. (my husband was in the UK). We literally lived an 11 hour flight from each other and saw each other a few times a year for those 2 years. We were engaged but not married at the time. It was pretty much impossible for him to get a job in the U.S. and the immigration process is very expensive and complex, so it was always going to be me who moved back. After those two years, I moved back and we got married and I got pregnant shortly after that (and then did the next 5 years of my PhD from here). Our daughter is now 3. Academic life is challenging, especially when you're accepting a new position, and I would want the support of my husband while I did it and also during my pregnancy. Is there no way he could move to CO and be close to you? Is it just he doesn't want to? Or are there no possibilities at all for a job there for him? I'm sure as you well know, faculty jobs are few and far between. The fact you have been offered one is amazing! None of my friends on the job market at the moment have had any interest. I've had friends who have been applying and interviewing for 3 years without an offer. It's big deal that you've got this and if you'll put all this work in (and I'm assuming expense as well as even with fellowships, a PhD is a massive financial commitment), I wouldn't pass up on a position. It could take you 3 years to get pregnant or it could happen in a month. It's impossible to know. But the world moves on while you wait. There are never any guarantees, but I would hate to be stuck somewhere, not doing what I wanted, waiting and waiting and feeling like I gave up so much for that wait.

Being pregnant is incredibly exhausting. I found in 1st tri, I was literally in bed by 7pm most nights as soon as I got home. I couldn't even cook for myself as the smells were just too strong. I personally would want a partner around to help with all of that instrumental support, doing the cooking, helping keeping the house going, when I felt like I couldn't do it. Also, realistically, pregnancy is the last time you will have alone together as a couple for a very, very long time. I wasn't as tired after the 1st trimester and I cherish the times my husband and I had together, just going out to dinner, or taking a walk or going to a movie or going away for the weekend. We almost never get to do that now. Okay, we can take walks, but short ones, while prodding a toddler along. We rarely have dinner out. I've not been to a movie in 3.5 years. We're going away for only our 2nd night ever alone since our daughter was born this weekend. I would want that time together and I would want to share in that stuff together. It sucks being apart and you've already done so much of it. It was such a relief to me when my husband and I could finally live together, in the same place, in the same country, and plan a life together and feel settled and enjoy my pregnancy. Now, you have to do what you have to do, and academia sort of demands that. But personally, I would want to find a way to live together in the same place while you can pursue the career you've trained for. My work has been such a refreshing break from being at home and just being a mother now that my daughter is older. I would lose my mind without it and I would have struggled so much if I hadn't pursued it. But I would also just want to be settled too. So I guess I would want to find a way that you can be working in a position you're happy with while also being together. That might mean your husband has to compromise a bit, as I assume, like me, you're the one with the career in which it's harder to get a job. If he can just pick up and move, even if it means a period of unemployment to start, I would expect him to relocate, as least for the next few years, then you can consider applying for other positions in more desirable areas when the time is right.

 

[LondonH]

Thank you so much MindUtopia, for reading my novel-length post and giving me so many things to think about. I can't tell you how comforting it is to know someone understands dealing with the whole career/family balance AND doing the long distance thing!

There are definitely jobs in CO that he could get. The job he is at now has some major perks that makes it tough for us to let go of though. He makes twice as much as I do, his work just started paying his student loans off, and he gets really good benefits (including discounted childcare that we would need because we have no family around). Because he signed an agreement to relocate, they paid a big bonus and moved us to CA. In order to not have to pay that all back, he needs to stay at least a year. If I absolutely loved CO, he could quit and relocate after that. It would financially be tougher though. As rational as it all is, I do sometimes wonder if I don't really think of that as an option because I often place my career happiness below his. It's true that it is WAY more difficult for me to find a job in academia. The pressure of all of it is what overwhelms me. I watched my sister and brother-in-law get their PhD's and adjunct 8 courses between the two of them before they finally got secure jobs at 42. Kids are sadly no longer an option for them. I fear putting it off because of that!

I really appreciate you sharing how difficult it was the first trimester. I've had a lot of people act like pregnancy is no big deal and I should be able to easily do it while working a new and demanding job. It just isn't how I imagine pregnancy for myself and I know I would be anxious constantly. DH referenced a teacher of mine who taught right up until the last week of her pregnancy. It was her second baby, she lived with her husband and she took 2 semesters off after that, so it just isn't the same situation. DH's parents actually suggested I get pregnant and have the baby in CO by myself... I was really offended that they thought it was reasonable to ask me to do that and then raise it alone!? I completely agree with you regarding being apart. The last year apart has been so rough and now that we have a couple of months together this summer, we are both emotional and sad that it's ending. We also had to re-adjust to being together and a new life in a new place. I know I will be feeling the same as you did, that we need some time to just be together the two of us before a baby comes along! Thank you so much for your advice!

 

[Amygdala]

That's a tough choice to make. I understand the pressures of carving out a career in academia, I had two children during my PhD and just passed my viva pregnant with number 3. I'm the same age as you and I honestly can't tell you what my choice would be if I'd not had my kids already and was looking at the kids-or-career decision now. You've worked very hard to get where you are now and I think it'd be a terrible shame if you had to give up this great opportunity to finally reap the rewards. But then, I made the decision that an academic career just doesn't work with kids for me and am not pursuing an academic job and absolutely think it's the right thing for us. I know if I'd waited to have kids until my career was established, I'd find it much harder to make that choice. And I'd never get over the regret of leaving it too late. That's not to say that you should choose family over career, at all! I'm just saying be realistic about how difficult it can be to combine them and unfortunately it can (it needn't but it can) be an either-or situation.
Here's a bit of a left-of-field idea: Would it be financially possible for you to have some eggs frozen? I realise that's high intervention from the get-go but it might give you a bit of an insurance policy to then be able to dedicate a few more years to your career and sort out your living arrangements? You're still young and I think another 2, 3 or 4 years before you have your children wouldn't make a huge difference physically. But if your fertility is declining, taking this precaution might be wise? Plus it would allow you to concentrate on your career without constantly worrying that you might be gambling away your chance to become a mother.
Just on a practical note, I'd strongly advise you to sort out living with your DH before you get pregnant. Pregnancy and early parenthood aren't easy on a relationship and I think being apart is setting yourselves up for more problems. There's a lot to work through and I think being around each other and having time to talk and to bond in positive ways is very important for getting through it well.

 

[MindUtopia]

In that position, I would take the job in CO and plan for him to move out when he can. If he's making enough money, fly back as you can during your fertile period and see what happens. If you get pregnant, then great, definitely a reason he should consider moving there or you might then move back to CA (and take some time off and apply for another position in CA with that year of experience in the bank). If it doesn't happen right away, he can start making plans to move to CO. You'll find a way to make it work, especially with what I expect is the lower cost of living in CO as opposed to CA. I used to live in San Francisco before I moved back to live with my husband and I know definitely moving away from CA was a good financial decision for us. At least you aren't sitting around doing nothing while you wait, if it takes a year or two, which it might, or it might take a month, at least you are building your CV in the meantime. You can always take a break if you need to.

 

[LondonH]

Thanks so much to both of you! Also, I love that I feel like I am in a room with neuropsychologists with your usernames

I love these ideas and I'm grateful to be reminded of how hard I have worked and I wouldn't have done that all if I didn't love it and deserve it! It is tricky because I do have some potential fertility issues and so does dh but we also simply don't know until we start trying how difficult it will be. Amygdala, I think your idea about freezing eggs is a good one. I know that it has given a lot of women peace of mind. It's something I will consider in a year if for some reason we need to wait longer than that. I am glad that you agree that it's unfair/difficult to go through pregnancy apart. I know I just don't want to do it, regardless of how many amazing warrior women have told me that it's "no big deal."

 

[jessmke]

I was finishing up my third degree at university and was living away from my OH for the first 28 weeks of my pregnancy. I was extremely ill during my entire pregnancy and it was very difficult to concentrate at school especially since I was up for quite a few graduation scholarships if I could keep my grades up and I was relying on those scholarships to pay off my loans. I was also living with an old lady that served me disgusting meatloaf for supper almost every night that I had to choke down and then excuse myself from the table so I could go and barf it all back up into the toilet. Yes it would absolutely have been easier to be living with my OH and having his support while pregnant, but I had come so far to finish up my education that I wasn't willing to give that up. I feel like if you want something badly enough you can power through anything.

If I were you I would take the job in CO, have my OH keep the job in CA because those are some pretty great job perks, try to get pregnant any chance you get, and just power through whatever happens. It might not be the ideal way to do things, but it sounds like you want this job just as badly as you want a family, so I say try your best to do it all!

I was living back at home with my OH for the last three months of my pregnancy. I ended up landing a highly desirable job even though I was heavily pregnant. I went on maternity leave the day after my probation ended so they are holding my job for me until my year long maternity leave is up. I am really looking forward to going back to work and so grateful I didn't put anything on hold in order to start our family.

 

[LondonH]

Wow jessmke, that is such an inspirational story. You are my hero! I suppose it's true, if you really want something in life you have to make it happen. It's great that you landed a good job and they arranged leave so early on. I never thought of that possibility but then again.. I didn't think I'd get a job before graduating and in retrospect, I wish I would have believed in myself more. Maybe it's time to start believing I will manage whatever comes my way.

 

[Pearls18]

Just wanted to send my sympathies as a fellow military wife. I understand about putting your career second, the military takes centre stage it's the nature of the job and they (the military) don't exactly make you feel like you have a right to your own life ahead of them! Being in the UK distances are on a much smaller scale obviously, I've managed to juggle children, career and military wife without living separate but it's not easy or without sacrifice, I don't think my situation would help yours at all but just wanted to say your career DOES matter, and where there's a will there's a way, there may be compromises but hopefully eventually you can find a way to have a career and your family in one place (something people take for granted) don't compare yourself to others, find what makes you and your husband happy. Hope you find a middle road