All I want is....

[hopedance]

This drives me nutes, and I just read it elsewhere on the forum and had to post it somewhere! I hate it when asked about gender people reply 'I don't care as long as I get a healthy baby', and specifically the one I read just now actually said something like 'I don't mind what gender so long as I get a healthy full term baby'. I know I'm being irrational (which is why I didn't say anything in the other thread), but it hurt because somehow I read it as 'I don't want a prem baby' and well, what's wrong with a prem baby? They are just as good as any other sort of baby! As are less healthy or disabled babies. yanno?

 

[AP]

I'm allowed to say it, right?!?

People keep asking me, and i say i dont mind what happens, as long as we make it to a 'good gestation' whatever that is.

For a lot of reasons now I think I have legs to stand on to say this. Alex is still young, still suffering from reflux cry , still learning to eat, we're still coping with prematurity 16 months down the line. Another preemie on top of this, well, I have NO idea how I could manage. I mean if it were to happen, so be it, its just gotta be, but I think if you've been there its fair to say you dont exactly want to rush to do it again.

But - from where you are seeing it, I understand. Sometimes I get so bitter and just want to say "Good for you, you must be special on your way to a full termer huh!?" Is there any justification in being so bitter? Maybe not, but it all hurts nevertheless.

BTW, for the record, preemies are so much better and you know it hunny

 

[linsayp]

I don't think they mean there's anything wrong with having a prem baby, it's just that there are obviously more risks to a baby if they are born prematurely. Would you have chosen to have your baby prematurely if you didn't have pre-eclampsia? I have a friend who had twins 6 and a half weeks early. They were born at less than 3lb and spent 2 months in NICU, then she nearly lost the little girl. Liam was born at 42 weeks at 8lb 10oz, had an apgar score of 10 and came home that night. That doesn't mean that Liam is better than the twins because he wasn't premature, it just means that for the first 8 weeks of his life i wasn't worrying about what was going to happen to him and I had a lot less heartache and stress than my friend. Don't know if I'm getting my point across right, but basically these people are saying they hope their baby is born the healthiest that it can be!
I was 6 weeks premature btw so obviously I think prem babies are great lol.

 

[25weeker]

If I was pregnant again my wish would be for a healthy fullterm baby. Not because I think it would be more special than my prem but because I wouldn't want another poor child to be full of wires and getting poked and prodded when they should be having a nice time floating about in mums tummy for the next x number of weeks.

I don't think anyone means these babies are less special it's just natural not to want your child to suffer in anyway.

 

[Agiboma]

I agree with all the other post I would wAnt a healthy overdue baby a baby I can hold at birth and take home ykwim

 

[hopedance]

sb22 yes of course YOU can say it!!! lol. it's like the 'best things about having a preemie thread' haha.

seriously though, i did say i know i'm being irrational, and i would never choose to have a prem baby, BUT instead of saying 'i don't care so long as i get a healthy term baby' why can't it just be 'i don't care as long as i get a baby' because would you send your baby back if they were prem/disabled anymore than you'd send them back if they weren't the gender you want? of course not.

 

[Fiestagal]

I agree with the others. I don't see that on the thread they were saying that they didn't think a prem/disabled baby is any less perfect, just ideally we'd like a baby that didn't need lots of medical intervention.

It would have been my wish to have a slightly longer pregnancy and a heavier baby, although he's here and fine and we have learnt alot on our journey so knowing what we know now (and we did have a fairly easy ride through scbu) we probably wouldn't change anything about him but if I was pregnant again I wouldn't want to wish for the same experience again.

My sister in law was born severely disabled and with a shortened life expectancy and she knew that (she died aged 23) and my MIL has been very honest and said that once they are here you wouldn't change that but knowing what she knew she wouldn't have choose to bring her into the world with all those problems.

 

[Lottie86]

My sister in law was born severely disabled and with a shortened life expectancy and she knew that (she died aged 23) and my MIL has been very honest and said that once they are here you wouldn't change that but knowing what she knew she wouldn't have choose to bring her into the world with all those problems.

I'm really not in the right 'place' to reply properly to this topic today but I will wholeheartedly agree with Fiestagal's MIL

 

[Sugarmuppet]

The opposite is equally upsetting, I have a friend on facebook just no who is 34 weeks pregnant, and 'just wants the baby out now!' as she is fed up being fat and uncomfortable.

Would I be really bad to reply that I'd rather be fat and uncomfortable for the rest of my life than watching my baby fight in an incubator after being born early?

 

[linsayp]

The opposite is equally upsetting, I have a friend on facebook just no who is 34 weeks pregnant, and 'just wants the baby out now!' as she is fed up being fat and uncomfortable.

Would I be really bad to reply that I'd rather be fat and uncomfortable for the rest of my life than watching my baby fight in an incubator after being born early?

I said plenty of times that I wanted the baby out 'right now' because I was fed up of being pregnant, but it doesn't mean if given the choice I would've had the baby there and then! Pregnancy can seem never-ending especially when you have health complications and I know of many pregnant women who have said they want the baby to come, that doesn't mean they want their baby to come early. I don't think it pays to be over-sensitive when people say these things because deep down you must know they don't *actually* mean it. In fact why not interpret that as 'I wish time would go by quicker so the baby will come sooner' because I know that's what I meant when I said it.

 

[pink.crazy]

I think it's perfectly justified.. to be honest if I ever dared to try for another baby, I'd be PRAYING my water didn't break at less than 26 weeks and although our preemies are amazing, it is a scary time and no person in their right mind would "choose" or want their baby to be prem,
But, I get what you're saying

 

[hopedance]

would you send your baby back if they were prem/disabled anymore than you'd send them back if they weren't the gender you want? of course not.

i'm just quoting myself because it's still my response to all the new posts!

My sister in law was born severely disabled and with a shortened life expectancy and she knew that (she died aged 23) and my MIL has been very honest and said that once they are here you wouldn't change that but knowing what she knew she wouldn't have choose to bring her into the world with all those problems.

I suppose, without realising it, I've opened a huge potential debate about what sort of life is worth living if you could predict it in advance. Does pain and suffering mean it would have been better if someone had never lived? I don't think so. I suppose I'm coming from a slightly different place where I've worked for a number of years with severely disabled children, and people say to me 'it's so sad' to see them etc, but I don't think it is sad, because they are gorgeous, and even though they suffer, they live and they love and they take pleasure in their world. And something so small and precious as pleasure and love and relationship with people who love you also? I think it is worth the pain and suffering. Of course we'd never ask for pain or suffering, or choose it, for ourselves or for others, but it happens, more to some of us than to others, but I think that life is still worth living nonetheless. If I could go back to when I was TTC DS and had known he'd be prem, I'd still have continued TTC him. Of course I wish he wasn't, but they come how they come, and such is life. Of course not everybody will see it that way, and that is fair enough (which is why legal abortion etc is still available for medical reasons up to 24 weeks) and I'm not saying it's wrong to think differently than I do, because it hurts you to see someone you love so much hurting.. but I do still think that it is worth them living.

 

[Fiestagal]

I am sorry if my post hits a raw nerve with anybody, and derails the OP. My sil wasn't prem, and my mil fought very hard for daughter from the beginning. SHe was told to go home from hospital without her baby and forget she had her, she also discovered that the staff weren't feeding her in hope that she would slip away, this was 33 years ago. Because of her mum she attended a regular school and did live as full a life as she could but she was very fearful of her future, she had many ops and watched friends with the same condition die and wondered when it was her turn.

Of course she was entitled to a life but if you could choose to have the same child without severe problems then that's what my mil would have picked.

 

[pink.crazy]

would you send your baby back if they were prem/disabled anymore than you'd send them back if they weren't the gender you want? of course not.

i'm just quoting myself because it's still my response to all the new posts!

------

I do understand hun, but it's about what's best for people, obviously it wasn't best for me OR Leo that he arrived so soon, BUT he is amazing and he's doing really well, and I wouldn't change things for the world! Maybe it's because things are so raw with me still but I wouldn't "wish" having a preemie on anyone, so I couldn't hold it against them for "wishing" for a full term baby.. if that makes sense? Like I said, I think it's just because I'm still working through my emotions.

 

[katy1310]

This drives me nutes, and I just read it elsewhere on the forum and had to post it somewhere! I hate it when asked about gender people reply 'I don't care as long as I get a healthy baby', and specifically the one I read just now actually said something like 'I don't mind what gender so long as I get a healthy full term baby'. I know I'm being irrational (which is why I didn't say anything in the other thread), but it hurt because somehow I read it as 'I don't want a prem baby' and well, what's wrong with a prem baby? They are just as good as any other sort of baby! As are less healthy or disabled babies. yanno?

Preemies are special little babies, and absolutely amazing and gorgeous...but I wouldn't have chosen Sophie to be premature. I was guilty of saying I didn't mind the gender as long as the baby was healthy - that didn't mean I wouldn't want a baby that wasn't healthy, but for the sake of the baby I wanted it to be healthy, if that makes sense! If I ever got pregnant again, I'd love to get a lot further than 27 weeks - I wouldn't like to watch another little baby go through what Sophie went through. I think DH and I could cope with it again but for the sake of the baby, I would want it to be much nearer to full term.

I do understand what you mean though.

 

[pinktigereyes]

i can understnd what you mean i hve a prem what was born at 26 weeks for the first 4 day she had an operation on her nose to open the back airways she was in hospital for 3 and half months hhad further more operations basically if it was for the paediatrian she wouldnt be here she was on oxeygen mask and on a ventilitor then she ended up have a stomach problem and had to have 2 more ops on that shes now 10 months and doing everything she should be doing at that age even trying to walk shes caught up in size with other baby her age orbs just a cm 2 smaller im pregnant agin im 16 weeks today i do wish this one is health and not have the probs amy had not that they were her fault but i wouldnt want to go thru all that heartache in not being able to hold it or bond with it it was really hard struggling with amy going to see her on wires and drips and alsorts some people are lucky and have healthy babies that havent a prob but some dont and there babies are just the same as the rest but yea i know what you mean 6 month after i had amy my oh sister had a baby and everyone rubbed it in how she was healthy and amy wasnt and they even blamed her for all the arguements they had but i wouldnt wish what i went thru wiv amy on anyone else shes a fighter even thou she now has 2 heart conditions you wouldnt think it babies are all the same weather there prem or not everyone think there baby are special theres no way on earth i could say amy is better than a full term baby or that all prems are better than full term you find that even if there full term some are also born with health condition i dont compare how good babies are or how special be cause i see that all baby are special in there own littl way you cant really compare prems and full term or babies with a disabilty yes prems have to work alot harder and to get better b4 they come home but ive also seen full term babies being so ill they had to be in hospital for a month so weathere there born prems full term i think everyone wishes for a health baby which isnt wrong to say i also bet tht people with prems also wished b4 they had babies that they had healthy ones when they were asked its a natural thing to say