Am I a terrible mother?

[Kitana2010]

From the day I found out I was pregnant, I was 100% CERTAIN I would breastfeed. My mother fed me formula for selfish reasons (she was afraid of saggy breasts) and ignored all of the benefits of breast milk. I wanted to be better than that, and give my baby a healthy start on life!

However.. all of that is changing now.. James will be 3 days old tomorrow, and I don't think I can do this..

From his first feeding, we were having terrible trouble. By the night of day 2, things took a terrible turn.

I am not making enough milk (or colostrom -sp?) and my son was starving. He lost a total of 8.5% weight by day 2, and was crying non-stop for hours. At 3am, I nursed for 2 straight hours - had him fall asleep on me many times, but I "encouraged" him to stay awake only to have him scream bloody murder when I placed him back in his cart.

The lactation consultant (or as my husband now calls her, the nipple nazi) came in and bullied and harrassed me. Made me feel like a terrible mother for being concerned about his weight and crying and asking to SUPPLEMENT with formula for that night.

"Your making enough milk, he's just at that age where he will cluster feed. This is normal. And its unfair of you to take away your milk from him for your own convenience" she barked. I asked her if I could pump in between, in hopes my milk would come in faster and she huffed and puffed and stormed out to bring in a pump.

She gave me a brief tutorial and (she did not say this directly, but IMPLIED) to not ask her for a bottle again, and to stop being such a wimp. By the end of our 30min session, I was distraught and crying uncontrollably. I felt as tho I was starving my son, and I had only been a mother for 2 days and already felt like a terrible mother for even ASKING for formula. My husband was so angry at her. He could see my pain, and asked ME what I wanted to do. I told him I would soldier on.

I tried the pump several times thru-out the night and next day - nothing, not even a drop. I continued to nurse my son while I was in the hospital, and he continued to scream for hours and hours until he would cry himself to sleep. By day 3 (discharge day) my husband stormed into the nursery and demanded a bottle.. nipple nazi caught wind and paid us another visit.

While nursing my son, she stormed into the room and asked if I had nursed yet from my left breast. I told her no, I had just started with the right. She GRABBED my left nipple and squeezed so hard I cried out. Nothing came out. She glared at me, and told me I must not be nursing right. I SHOULD be making milk, and stayed in the room with me squeezing and pumping my breast until a few small drops came out. Satisified, she praised herself and scolded me and left.. with red, sore and very bruised nipples.

We're home now, and my nipples are so raw.. the thought of putting my son up to them makes me cringe, and even the gentle (by comparison) pump seems like a torture device.

At my emotional end, I broke out the emergency can of instant formula a dear friend had got me "just in case" a few months prior to my sons birth and fed him.

The entire time he was eating, I was crying. I felt like a failure, like I was poisoning my son.. I burped him many many times, fearing he would get gassy and be in pain. So many nightmares ran thru my mind.. I was making it harder for him poo, I was disrupting his digestion, I was depriving him of my anti-bodies.. Even as he coo'd, burped and peacefully fell into a satifisied milk induced coma, I felt horrible.

My point for this long rant.. am I really so terrible for wanting to combo feed my son? At least until my milk comes in? I need advice from REAL women and not angry old nurses who make me feel like an idiot.

I understand it IS difficult to breast feed after he's had a bottle. There was an obvious change in him. It was harder to get him to latch on as before, however still manageable. And I always nurse him for 15min per breast BEFORE I feed him formula, than pump about 20mins later.. but I'm still not making more than a few drops..

What would you do in my situation? My husband is angry that I feel so guilty about this, and my family things I'm being silly.. perhaps its just the baby blues.. but this is my first child. I want to do things right for him!

 

[LegoHouse]

I combi-fed my daughter for a couple of months but no matter how many people told me it was fine, I couldn't fight my guilt, my demons, so I stopped supplementing. This time I was so determined not to give my son formula. I think no matter what people say to reassure you, you need to be sure of your decision and sure you did everything you could or nothing anyone says will make it hurt less (from my experience anyway)

If you are sure you can't do this then don't be bullied. Your baby will be fine! Promise! You have tried really hard and you shouldn't feel bad, but like I said, I understand how you feel. Combi-feeding gave me postnatal depression because I felt like such a failure but now I'm out of the situation it seems so silly.

 

[nicki01]

Wow! That evil nipple nazi has put you through the mill!

Noone can tell you the right decision on this, breast or bottle it doesn't matter! YOU have to be happy with your choice.
I bf Charlie for 3 weeks and then switched to formula, the guilt ate me up for months and months after and I regret it now BUT at the time I honestly didn't feel I could continue! My daughter is no different because she had formula, the main thing was that she was given food!
Be happy with what you decide to do, your baby, your decision! Don't be bullied! Tell nipple nazi to piss off!

 

[SpringerS]

Well that LC sounds absolutely horrible but it's perfectly normal to not be making milk yet at day three, for you baby to lose that much weight before your milk comes in and for him to want to feed around the clock until your milk comes in as it's that suckling which actually tells your body to produce the milk. Everything you are going through is absolutely textbook and exactly what happens to all but the luckiest of breastfeeding mothers. Let your baby suckle as much as he likes and at some point in the next 72 hours or so your milk will come in and your baby will start piling on the pounds. My son was like that and he just suckled almost non-stop for days as I'd had a section and my milk took 5 days to come in. The midwives told me that until he lost 12.5% of his weight there was no need to worry and even if he did lose that much it didn't have to mean supplementation.

The danger with giving formula right now is that your baby will feel full and stop suckling and it could very easily have a negative impact on your supply.

 

[cat lover]

Springers advice is totally on the money. hard as it is, this is normal. your LC is a total bitch though. just know that it is normal and will improve so hang on in there. however if you do decide to.combi feed that is totally fine hun, i combifed dd1 till 14 months and am combi feeding dd2 x

 

[TheNewMrs]

I'm probably going to be unpopular by this post but hey ho, you asked for advice and here is mine.

Please do not refer to anyone as a "nipple nazi" Nazi's were murderers and evil people. This woman, maybe aggressively, and yes was certainly in the wrong, but she only has you and your childs health in mind. Thats not evil, or murdering or anything remotely resembling to a Nazi and I will go ahead an assume your family were never affected by Nazis by your flippant use of the word but I find it HIGHLY offensive and disrespectful. She was in the wrong, she was rough, unkind and unprofessional with you and that's obvious. That is not okay but you are also very much in the wrong for using that term.

8% Weight loss is very average, and normal and by no means does it mean your child was starving. A newborn will feed constantly for the first few days. Its how your milk comes in. Giving formula (or donor milk, or any other supplement) only delays your milk from coming in. The baby also gets used to the fast flow of a bottle and may refuse to work at the breast to get milk resulting in screaming crying ect until they get a bottle. This happened to my daughter. It ended our BF journey at 3 weeks. I too was exhausted. I know how rough the early days are.

If you want to breastfeed then the advice I will give you is to close the doors, tell visitors you are spending time as a new family, and stay in bed with your baby for a few days. Lots of skin to skin, bathe together, have your hubby cook food and just rest and relax. Your milk will come in and your baby will not starve.

All the "nightmares" you believe about formula feeding are simple truth. It is harder on babys digestion, it does make a lot of babies struggle to poo, baby wont get the antibodies and therefore making them less healthy than a breastfed baby. You already know that and it sounds like you want to do right by your baby.

I would suggest leaving the LC in the past, looking at your sweet baby, talking to your husband and deciding whats going to work for you. Breastfeeding is very demanding and time consuming in the early days and having realistic expectations will really help you all.

 

[Dragonfly]

I have been here twice. First time was the worst and I was crying feeding and very sore. Didnt have any help though. I carried on and found out that was normal and that dosnt last too long. If you have the aid of lactation consultants make sure they check latch and for tongue tie. And what your milk will come in its very early days yet to decide that you cant make enough, frequent feeds and also watch what you eat as dairy in your diet can upset your baby.

And please dont call any one a nipple nazi.

 

[Eleanor ace]

I'm sorry she made you feel so bad .
What you're describing does sound very normal (from talking to other mothers and in my own experience), it's usually around day 3 that your milk comes in so only being able to get a few drops now isn't a concern (although it sure as heck feels like it at the time doesn't it!). The pain- normal. For the first couple of weeks with my 1st LO my nipples were raw, bleeding and black. I had to fight the urge to rip DS off my nipples when he fed . But, it gets better I swear!
My DD lost 11% of her birth weight despite my milk coming in at 2 days pp and her guzzling like a pig , but she soon put it back on. 8% is fine so don't beat yourself up about that!
Oh and pumping- it takes me several hours to get one ounce. Some people just don't get much out when they pump but it's no reflection of your milk supply.

If you want to carry on breastfeeding just do it, and know that soon it won't hurt, your LO will be putting on weight and it will all fall into place. You could get your latch checked, to put your mind at ease, and have lots of lovely skin to skin time to encourage LO to feed.
If you want to combi feed or just switch to formula DO NOT beat yourself up! You are important and you have to do what feels right for you, and your situation.

 

[OmiOmen]

Firstly no you are not a terrible mother but your body is a rush with hormones and BF'ing is tough so you probably are very stressed right now. I am sorry you had a bad experience with the lactation consultant, good and gentle support is one of the most important things when it comes to BF'ing those first few weeks.

In all honestly it does all sound normal. As others have said by supplementing milk will be slower to come in. Not been able to express milk in the first few days is normal too and doesn't mean your baby is starving and losing up to 10% by day 5 is normal too. My first son had huge issues BF'ing for weeks and it really is an emotional roller-coaster. DS1 had crystals in his urine for about 2 days and DS2 had it for about 12 hours so I was really scared they were starving but both gained by day 5 so clearly wasn't.

If you decide to breastfeed/combi-feed/formula feed that is your choice but if you do want to breastfeed I would say this is normal things your experiencing and maybe trying to get a little support with it may reassure you. Honestly it does get easier and any issues breast feeding feel a million times worse those first few days when your hormones are going crazy. Good luck.

 

[Jary]

Aw hun I felt the same when DD was born. I thought I wasn't making much but all baby needs is a tiny drop of colostrum to be sufficient. Have you tried massaging your breasts to express and then finger feed?

That woman sounds like she shouldn't be in that job...I'd put in a complaint but that's me

Your not a bad mum at all...I was close to getting formula because of pain and baby cluster feeding and crying. If you can keep at it, your milk will come in and baby will be happy but I understand how scary it is when your LO is losing a lot of weight, but remember babies do lose weight at first.

Remember to do with whatever makes you and baby happy. If it means turning to formula then so be it. At the end of the day you love your baby and he'll do just as well on it.

 

[CandyDay]

you should look for a la leche league in your area. They are a big help and will not be like your LCwas. How she behaved was terrible. It is normal for LO to constantly want to BF. And not having your milk in at day 3 is normal. If you do really think its a supply issue then there is some things you can do to help. You can take blessed thistle and fenugreek, 3 of each 3 times per day (but wait until your milk does come in before you decide its a supply issue).
https://www.breastfeedinginc.ca/content.php?pagename=doc-HRMS

Take a look at this website for proper latch techiniques
https://www.breastfeedinginc.ca/content.php?pagename=videos

Also check for tongue tie in case that is causing nipple pain and inability for your LO to latch properly.


Also if you do decide you really do need to supplement then I would suggest feeding from both sides first and then using a supplemental nursing system (feeding tube) so that LO is still stimulating breasts but also getting some extra.


https://www.breastfeedingonline.com/newman.shtml#sthash.AHwwoZ26.dpbs

 

[bekah1757]

I honestly had an experience very similar to yours.. I was having trouble in the hospital with getting my baby to latch and feed and the LC came in was very rude and just plain mean also pinched my nipple as hard as she could to squeeze out colostrum making me cry, i was a disaster when i got home from the hospital later that day and still didnt have baby eating.. it had been like 5 hrs since she had eaten. I told my mom to go get formula because i was done. While she was gone to buy formula my husband and i just kept working and crying the whole time to get her to latch and nurse and SHE DID when we were in the quiet of our house, no one scolding or pinching nipples. It was still hard and honestly for the first week i probably had no more than a 45 min break between nursing sessions. you say you let baby nurse for 15 min before giving formula but that is not nearly long enough! my baby nursed for probably 1-1.5 hrs EACH session. they are just not effecient, learning, and trying to stimulate your breasts to bring your milk in! just let baby stay attached to your boob as long as possible! We are now 4 months in and still nursing never had to use the formula! Dont give up it honestly is very normal what you are experiencing! i hope things get better for you!

 

[SpotlessMind]

I agree with a lot of the advice you've been given, and have one thing to add

I am nearly positive someone gave my daughter a bottle of something whilst in the nursery for a checkup, because day 1 was perfectly fine, but night 2 was absolute HELL getting her to latch. She just plain refused.

I was hard headed and refused to give her formula, and even hated this idea at first, but it worked wonders until my milk came in. When getting her to latch, a couple drips of formula down the nipple as she was getting on quieted all fussing.
My milk came in on day 3, so it didn't slow me down at all and helped with the frustration of colostrum hunger!

 

[New Mrs W]

I feel upset hearing people saying that giving baby formula makes them a bad mother my eldest was ff after two weeks struggling with bf. Yes I probably would have gotten there in the end if id stuck with it but it certainly doesn't make me a bad mother. In fact I think Im a freaking brilliant mother!! I've managed to bf second time round and everything you've described sounds normal to me im afraid! It won't last forever but it might last 2/3 months. As you were so determined to bf I would encourage you to keep going. I was very upset with myself when I stopped first time round but looking back I don't know why. I gave my son a safe alternative to bm which he thrived on. He never had any problems with digestion or pooing and has yet to have antibiotics despite not getting my antibodies from my bm. His bf brother, however is 12 weeks old, has already had a course of antibiotics and is already on his second cough/cold! Go figure.
If you want to bf then stick with it. It's hard but the benefits are indisputable and you will feel so proud of yourself. But if you choose to ff then do so with a clear conscience. Your method of parenting and how much you love your baby is the measure of how good a mother you are, not how you feed him. X

 

[pinksmarties]

I agree with the other ladies on here. I was the same in hospital producing little or no colostrum and after and emcs my milk too ages to come in but had supportive nurses not like the horrible one you had. My baby lost 12% of his birth weight and I bf from one side, expressed the other and topped him up using a cup feeder for 10 days then he was exclusively bf. The pain is hard initially but it does get easier. If you feel the need to combi feed, do what you feel is right for you. I know in the early day I had so many people suggesting a FF bottle but it was something I couldn't do. I have nothing against FF but the was something in my head that wouldn't let me do it. I just had to think one day at a time, one week at a time and before I knew it I am nearly 7 months bf.

 

[counting]

Again, to be fair I haven't had my baby yet and haven't breastfed before. Just letting you know the weight loss babies suffer during the first week is usually not due to lack of food. Babies are born water logged from being in amniotic fluid, and as they shed that excess fluid they loose weight. That is why newborns( very new ones, in the first couple days) look so puffy. Any lady who has been swollen throughout pregnancy(or for any other medical reason) knows when the swelling goes down, they often loose a TON of weight. It's like baby has been in a bathtub for months, and I know how puffy and wrinkled my fingers get after even a short bath.

OP, I hope everything works out for you and baby.

 

[Rachel_C]

It doesn't make you a terrible mother, of course it doesn't, but it does mean you're not giving your baby the best nutrition and all of the other benefits BF brings. I didn't know what normal newborn behaviour was like when I had my first LO so when I was told to supplement with formula in a bottle I did. It was the worst mistake of my life and my daughter ended up fully FF by three weeks. I feel bad about it every day and she's 3.5 years old now! That said, it didn't make me a terrible mother (the way I deal with her 3-year-old tantrums, on the other hand, well that might!).

You are lucky to have received some great advice here, I wish I'd known what I know now and what these ladies have just told you when I had my oldest! How you're feeling is normal, how your baby is behaving is normal. The crying, the constant feeding, the 'seeming hungry', the sore nipples, the weight loss, the husband who wants to help and thinks formula is an easy way to stop his wife feeling bad... I think most of us have been there in at least a few of these ways.

You asked what people would do in your situation. I can tell you what I did with both of my children. With my first I gave in to pressure to 'supplement' with formula in a bottle. By 3 weeks old she was fully formula fed. With my second baby, I knew better what newborns are like (although it still came as a nasty shock how bad it really is!) and I kept going. Both kids are happy and healthy at 3.5 years and 22 months old, but my oldest has digestive issues her sister doesn't appear to have. Maybe co-incidence but I will always feel guilty about it, whether I should or not, as there's no way to know.

Keep going, you can do it!

 

[lozza1uk]

Definitely don't feel guilty. I think there's too much pressure put on people. I bf for 11 months but I was lucky, he latched really easily and I never had to use formula except for the month before I moved into cows milk

Whilst the bf benefits are hammered down your throat, the simple truth is formula isn't some terrible product only people who fail their children use! I was ff and am very rarely ill, I walked at 10 months, slept like an average baby etc, and am a pretty intelligent person (my midwife said bf babies walk earlier, are more intelligent etc which I think is crap). The others are right, the weight loss sounds normal and they need very little volume early on as its so calorie rich. But please don't feel guilty if you do decide to switch - you've got to do what makes you happy x

 

[summer rain]

Again, to be fair I haven't had my baby yet and haven't breastfed before. Just letting you know the weight loss babies suffer during the first week is usually not due to lack of food. Babies are born water logged from being in amniotic fluid, and as they shed that excess fluid they loose weight. That is why newborns( very new ones, in the first couple days) look so puffy. Any lady who has been swollen throughout pregnancy(or for any other medical reason) knows when the swelling goes down, they often loose a TON of weight. It's like baby has been in a bathtub for months, and I know how puffy and wrinkled my fingers get after even a short bath.

OP, I hope everything works out for you and baby.

This is completely true, it is especially true if you had IV fluids during labour of any type whether nutritional or for induction purposes, but even if you didn't babies do retain a lot of water. My youngest who is now a month old had his hands and arms swell up on the second day as he had excess fluids in his system from the birth, I was freaked out as it looked like an allergic reaction or a lymph gland condition but it turned out it was just water retention. He only had lost 5% by day 5 but I suspect that he had not yet lost all the weight he was going to because he was feeding well and when weighed again on day 9-10 he was exactly the same weight as he had been on day 5 so I suspect he lost quite a few more oz and by day 9-10 he was on the way up again. It took him 16 days to fully regain his birthweight and he now gains around 7oz a week. My milk started to come in at 48 hours but it came in very slowly and gradually, it took over a week to come in fully xx

 

[staralfur]

As the other ladies have said, what you're describing sounds normal. 8% loss on its own is nothing to be concerned about, I believe 10% is considered "average".

It's also normal for baby to want to feed all the time and not want to be put down. It's actually necessary for your milk to come in.

We combi-fed for the first few weeks because I had no idea what normal newborn behaviour was and I thought my LO wasn't getting enough milk from me. To be honest, I wouldn't recommend it. My supply took a massive hit and I ended up with recurring mastitis due to the skipped feeds. It wasn't worth the trouble and I think I'm actually fortunate to have gotten back to EBF.

But, if taking into consideration that what's happening with your baby is normal, you still feel like supplementing with formula is what's right for you, don't feel bad about it. We all do what we think is best in our situations and no one but you knows yours.