Am I Alone Here?

[Skywalker]

I gave birth 3 months ago and in many ways I feel like I'm not recovering as fast as most of the women I talk to.

Vaginally and perineum-wise I feel much better, almost entirely back to normal. But I can't have a bowel movement without TONS of pain and tons of residual soreness and a burning feeling afterwards which makes sitting for 40 min every 2-3 hours to breastfeed oh-so-much-fun, and a section of my right outer thigh is numb but I can feel pressure on it. I insisted the doctors take another look at me because I was sure they'd see some damage but I was told I don't even look like I've had a baby down there and there are no visible hemerroids and my doctors don't seem to think it's likely that I have any type of anal fissure or tear or even nerve damage, but they don't offer me any other reason for my continued pain other than shrugging and saying, "Well, you just had a baby a few months ago."

This is my first baby, I didn't tear, didn't have an episiotomy, didn't have an epidural, had a relatively straight-forward, drug-free labor and delivery, had a pretty good recovery time. But I feel like my ass gets kicked (literally and figuratively) every day by the pain I'm in. I've run into problems like a tongue tie with my son that made breastfeeding extremely challenging and we finally sorted that out with a breast shield, which we're still using (his tongue tie was so minor the specialist didn't want to snip it) and I've had the clogged ducts from hell that I'm finally recovering from but were also incredibly painful, in conjunction with milk blisters which hurt like craziness.

I'm single and I live alone with my baby and I don't think that anyone gets how hard that is, but I also feel like some people are making me feel like it should be a breeze. I've been getting somewhat judgmental comments from a few family members about the amount of work I should be able to get done from home, how I should go out for walks in my neighborhood more, how they think I breastfeed my son too often (every 2-2.5 hours when he's hungry), how my son naps too much, etc etc etc. My own mother was scolding me for waddling and walking partially bent over only 2-3 weeks after my delivery and told me to stop being so careful about not carrying heavy things because I was just babying my body too much. One of my son's aunts was pregnant at the same time as me and gave birth a few months after I did and already has pictures all over Facebook of her travelling and camping and swimming and hosting parties and baking etc etc. She came home from the hospital I think the same day that she delivered her son, granted he was her third child...

Anyway... I just feel like it is super hard for me to even deal with the basic mechanics of breastfeeding when my butt is in so much pain that even with daily doses of Ibuprofen it still is incredibly painful to sit on and it's hard for me to lug the trash and recycling down three flights of stairs with my newborn who has decided he now hates the carriers that he used to love... it's hard for me to cook and clean and work from home and get all of my admissions stuff for my college degree program in and oh yeah, I'm also moving in two weeks so I'm having to pack up everything and move by myself. When I asked for help from my Aunt, she acted like it was the biggest imposition and I just mentioned it being hard and asked if she could just come hold my son for a few hours so I could pack and she huffed and said, "I'll do my best but you'll figure it out. You'll get it done. You just have to do what you have to do." Um, thanks? She doesn't have kids and I don't think gets how hard it is when my son won't let me put him down or be out of his sight for longer than a few minutes sometimes.

I feel like I'm doing the best that I can but sometimes I feel like other people either expect too much from me or I maybe don't expect enough from myself. Does anyone else find it hard to do the normal tasks of life like cleaning, cooking, exercising, working, etc.? Am I just being a big fat wuss?



I don't know whether to be proud of everything I manage to get accomplished all by myself or if I should be being harder on myself for not getting more done, in other words, and I also feel like I'm having more of a rough time with recovery and it's probably likely that nerve damage is to blame for my pain and other women don't have that. Grrr. So tough sometimes I don't know how I can make it through with the sleep deprivation and all the challenges I have.

Sorry for my whinge. Thanks for reading.

 

[justmeinlove]

You're doing awesome and from the account, your relatives are being jerks.
i still find this stuff really hard and our lo is nearly 17 months!

 

[tryfor2]

You are doing amazingly! I'm sorry but your relatives are insensitive jerks! They must have impossibly high standards because anyone should be proud know you. You're doing this alone, having a tough time of it, persevering, not asking for much help, moving, applying to school.... I'm amazed you're making it through each day! I am married to a very supportive man and am a stay-at-home mum of now two. I lead a pretty settled, easy life and even I find it hard at times. Please don't think there is anything wrong with you because there isn't. It sounds like your mother, aunt etc. need some serious attitude adjustment.

As far as the physical recuperation goes, I think the same adage we all heard ad nauseum while pregnant ("everyone's different") applies. With my first I had an episiotomy and it hurt to DTD for almost a year after giving birth. Also, I pushed for nearly 5 hours and suspect damaged my bladder as I had problems with slight incontinence for many months afterwards. Even though I wasn't able to BF it took four months for my period to return--okay, not necessarily a bad thing but just further evidence that we're all different and it can take a while for your body to bounce back. It really is pointless to compare yourself to others (though difficult not to, I know). You'll always find someone better off and you'll just feel badly.

Give yourself more time. Remember, being on your own, you've had to do a lot more than most new mums, so that may have an effect on your recovery. Try to just focus on your baby and trust that everything will heal in time.

 

[Mrsb3]

Being a new mum is super hard work especially if your breastfeeding! Well done you!! When I had my son last year I gave up breastfeeding after 2 weeks, I was a wreck I found everything so hard. Looking back at pictures I was overweight, I never got ready or did my make up I was a mess I hardly went out because I couldn't shower until my hubby got gone at tea time. Then at 5-6 months things got a bit easier as I got used to been a new mum and got in a routine. Now he is 14 months and I also have an 8 week old daughter and this time round I'm finding it a lot easier (even though I have 2 babies) because I'm more experienced. I get a shower everyday put a bit of make up on and take my babies out to parks, playground etc.. Plus I'm also breastfeeding my newborn.

So don't listen to the comments been a new mum is waaaay harder than having a ton of kiddies. Things will get much easier as time goes on same goes on your body.

 

[Skywalker]

Thank you ladies soooo much! Posting and seeing your replies has helped me keep my sanity.

 

[Maxy1]

I agree with pp. first time mum experience is crazy hard!!! Reading your post I was thinking that you are too much and need to relax more. With my first absolutely nothing got done by me in the first three months. Our house looked mid earthquake till about five months. I couldn't have put the rubbish out even if I had thought about it (which I didn't), and I don't have three flights of stairs. It literally took three months to even start feeling better and start moving. With my second child it was days before I was out n about, cleaning house etc. Do not compare yourself to anyone else!!!

With my first, I started working from home when DS was 8 months, it is so hard to work at home with a baby. nigh on impossible with a 3 month old I am sure!

I don't think your pain sounds right at all. Anything that requires you to take pain relief consistently should be investigated more.