Am i being a Bitch?

[hayley352]

i would like your opinions please. I became friends with a girl about a year ago, i met her through hubby. We have been on holiday with her and her partner and go out regularly for drinks, meals etc. They got married the day before us in sept 2007 and we have trying since, she wanted kids and after alot of persuading with her OH they started trying the following april (2008).

every month we were there for each other, talking about ovulating, BD and testing. Then, she got pregnant in January (2009) and is now 26 weeks preg.she had a rough start and i was there for her throughout.

however, just recently its all changed and ive found myself distancing myself from her, i dont want to go on facebook and see her status with stuff like,little one is kicking so much etc etc. i am really pleased for her but i cant bring myself to be the friend i was before. is that bad of me? am i being out of order? i know she knows something is wrong, she said she always wanted me to get pregnant first cos shes knows how much we have been through but i cant help being annoyed when i feel like she is rubbing it in my face, even though i know from her point of view she wants to share it with me and wants support from me.

ARGH, please give me ur opinions.

 

[emilybee]

hi im not gonna be much help but hey! lol well im sure she wouldnt be rubbing it in your face on purpose shes probably just so excited to be pregnant as its such a special time but of course its natural to feel the way you do and i wouldnt say your being a bitch at all just wanting something so much and everyone around you seems to get it just like that! Just hold tight and dont let her worry you shes not going to be pregnant forever! xx

 

[Clueless]

I had to distance myself from my friend of 20 years while she was pregnant. She'd been trying for a year, so had a little understanding about how I was feeling. I didn't agree with how she was treating her body during pregnancy and found it very difficult to spend any time with her.

She understood in the long run though. I am now godmother to her gorgeous son and she has been totally there for me during my pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.

If she's a true friend you'll both work through this

 

[CurlySue]

We have a friend who told us last Sunday she was eight weeks pregnant. She was a week further along than me. It took her one month to get pregnant.

I found out on Wednesday that I had lost twins.

There is no way on Earth I can be around her, watching her pregnancy progress knowing that I should've been only a week behind her yet after years of trying mine failed and hers progressed.

Doesn't make you a bitch. Just makes you human.

 

[maz]

I don't think you're reacting any differently than any of the rest of us would. I also have a friend that I met through this forum. We started chatting when we were both put on Clomid at the same time. It didn't work for me, but worked for her on her first month. I was delighted for her, as it gave me some hope that it'd work for me. But here I am, still waiting...

Now that she's had her daughter I find it difficult to relate IYKWIM. I don't begrudge her her beautiful daughter and I'd love to chat to her more often, but her little girl is the centre of her world now, and I can't relate to that. Afterall, what do I know about looking after a baby?

We all distance ourselves from people at various times in our lives, and for various reasons. It doesn't make us bad people. Some people are in our lives forever, some for a 'season', and some for a 'reason'. I'm sure she would understand if you explained to her, and no doubt, you'll be in touch more with her more regularly, once you get pregnant.

 

[Farie]

Doesn't make you a bitch. Just makes you human.

Ditto, your allowed to feel like this
I would be feeling very similar

 

[Nathyrra]

When you spend years of your life being happy for other people, and someone close gets pregnant, it's a time to think about your own preservation. I believe a good friend would understand that it's not going to be easy for you. Afterall is there any greater natural desire for a woman but to be a mother? It's not some small thing we're talking about here.

Personally I absolutely dread the day someone really close to me breaks some news that'll break my heart.

 

[rachelle1975]

Self preservation Hun
I've found I'm distancing myself from a lot of people but when I do see them it's lovely and I'm full of enthusiasm.
Better you distance yourself and keep the friendship under your terms xx

 

[Mrs G]

Completely understand and if she is a good friend, she will too. Agree with Nathyrra, it is heartbreaking when someone close to you gets pg, but we deal with it, just like we deal with everything else here in the land of lttc!

Big

Kath xx

 

[hayley352]

im feeling really shit today, just had a visit from my mum who told me my cousin is pregnant with her second, she has been trying 6 months.

life is so unfair!!!

 

[cazhd]

I completely understand how you feel. And i don't think your a bad person for feeling this way. My sister is 26 weeks pregnant and i broke my heart after i found out. I'm delighted for her however i never expected it and it has become a constant reminder every day of what i'm praying for. I think once the baby arrives i will be fine but at the moment it seems like that is the only topic of conversation in the world her pregnancy .

I have never discussed ttc with anyone other than one close friend. I think if they knew perhaps they wouldn't be so selfish however this has been our choice to keep it private.

My sister also took great delight in telling me it only take two weeks to fall pregnant, i felt the rage at the time i thought try f****** two years

 

[chefamy1122]

I just want to echo what everyone else has said. I am guilty of doing this myself. I have had a couple of very close friends get pregnant, and have tried my best to be there for them, but it is so damn hard..... It does not mean that I am not thrilled for them, b/c I honestly am, but it is also a reminder that I am not pregnant, IYKWIM.

 

[BigFoot1980]

im feeling really shit today, just had a visit from my mum who told me my cousin is pregnant with her second, she has been trying 6 months.

life is so unfair!!!

I know life is unfair. My friend got pregnant too and i see her everyday and of course all she can talk about is her pregnancy and I just find it hard to be around her. Specially because even though her husband was keen to have a baby but she was like I don't really care.

 

[Pippin]

This has happened to me with my friend and now it's happening to my cousin with me. So I can tell you from both sides how it feels. My friend had two children in the space of me trying and I distanced myself from her and it did cause our friendship to suffer, I never said anything and I wish I had. My cousin has been trying for 10 years (still childless and now going through the menopause) and now has to deal with me being pregnant. My cousin has understandably found it hard and we have spoken about it which has made all the difference. I have backed off with the big announcements and she has taken it at her own pace asking questions and getting excited when she wants too. I don't want to hurt her and like wise she doesn't want to hurt me by not being interested. What's made it easier is talking, we both understand, we've both shared our feelings (and tears) so all I'm saying is explain to her, make her see how you feel and hope that your friendship can stay the distance beyond. I wish I'd spoken frankly to my other friend, now I'm pregnant I wish I'd dealt with it differently so we could be close again. I'm going to try and build bridges and hope that works, I hope it works out for you too.

 

[BizyBee]

You have every right to feel that way. As CurlySue said, you are human. We can't help the way we feel. It is very difficult to watch a close friend/relative go through it when we want it so badly but feel helpless.

I had a friend who complained the entire pregnancy. I was so sick of hearing about how uncomfortable, sick, and tired she was. Now, she complains about how she's up all night. I want to smack her and tell her to suck it up and enjoy her blessing. She has completely pushed me over the edge!

 

[CathD]

I'd like to echo everything that's been said on this thread too. You want to be pleased for your friends but it's so hard not to feel envious and think thoughts that you would probably never dream of voicing! I had to go on a girls weekend away whilst miscarrying and of course, someone made their "announcement" at the same time. I just couldn't bring myself to to be near her and spent the entire time making sure i was sat at the other end of the table etc. Not very grown up i know but i just couldn't help it!

 

[Blue12]

I think it is totally normal to feel that way Hayley. I think it is self preservation like Rachelle said. I feel like i am doing this with many people too.

One person made me crazy during her ttc time (YES not even preg yet) even though she only tried 2 months and she knew about dh and i trying for 3 years and she kept saying I know exactly how you feel and that she knew how childless women felt and it just made me want to scream and say shut up!!!!!!!! After her two months she went to the doctor and lied that she had been trying for over a year and is at a fertility clinic and now I am avoiding her because i don't think i can bear to hear the news when she is pregnant. I don't wish her to struggle to ttc......but grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

The other one im struggling with is my brothers pregnant girlfriend. Dh and I hadn't told anyone about ttc - except the girl above - and one day I broke down and told my brothers new girlfriend of 5 months (why i did this I don't know) I told her no one knows so please don't tell. Well get this she ends up telling my mother - that is another long story - but then she also calls me a month after telling her to tell me that her and my brother are having a baby..........what a coincidence!

I avoided her until she confronted me about - in a nice way - and we had a giant crying session together - and she said she understood if I needed a bit more space. After that I felt like I could be around her a bit more or be able to be around her a bit more easily. But there are times it just crushes me. My brother just called last night to tell me all about the hearing the heart beat for the first time and the ultrasound blah blah blah - and i am excited for them........but i want a little heart beat - it is like my own heart was missing from my chest as he told me.........I cried for a few hours after that.

Sorry for the long winded answer but i think it is normal to feel this way - it makes me think of a single person not wanting to always be surrounded by couples.......it is a reminder of what you don't have and what you wish for soooooooooo badly.

Best wishes everyone!

 

[Coffee]

I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel. Is it not just a "patch" though? Just thinking back to how i felt - i'd have some months when i just couldn't deal with it at all and couldn't bear to be around anyone pregnant without bursting into tears. That just seemed so normal, but then i'd remind myself that while it's natural to have a bad patch, i should not let it ruin any friendships- after all, you have to remind yourself it's your own child you want, and why does it matter really what's going on with other people?
TTC is painful enough at times without letting it ruin friendships too. I think if this is a good friend, she'll realise that maybe you are just having a bad month and she'll understand why you might be a bit distant. Then hopefully in a few weeks you'll feel a bit stronger and it won't be so much an issue?

 

[Helen]

I think it's completely normal to feel this way. I know I avoided PG women like the plague. A friend of my tried for 3 years with endo and when she'd had the baby I found I couldn't see her without blubbing my eyes out. I distanced myself from her for 2 years until our IVF was successful.

We've picked up the friendship right where we left off and if anything it's better. She totally totally understood and I think that is the sign of a true friend.

 

[chocolatecat]

It's a heartbreaking thread to read

It's only been a year of trying for me and I'm still ok with friends who were PG 6 months ago...but now each new announcement is painful..and there's so many.
I'm with the others, tell her why you need to keep your distance - explain it's not personal to her, but something you need to do for yourself. A good friend will understand.

Hugs to you all. xxx