Am I being sensitive or am I right to be annoyed?

[katherinegrey]

I am majorly annoyed at DH's family. Last week we and MIL were talking, and she asked when I next saw the midwife, I told her it was this week and she said she thinks I should get a c section and to quote her 'and whilst you're there, ask if they can sterilise you, it won't hurt to ask'.

I'm 23! I told her as I'm only 23 I wouldn't be considering anything so drastic. I've been thinking on it and getting more and more annoyed about it to be honest. Then last night DH's aunt rang (MIL's sister) and she must have said something too, because my DH said 'no, don't worry, we intend to stop at two'.

WTF?! Why is it anyone else's business how many children we have?!

I'm actually really offended. Do they think that I'm such a rubbish mother I shouldn't consider any more?! I love my son and this baby, my son is always taken care of, we have never asked for them to provide for our children financially or even babysit very often! The times MIL does babysit, is when she's asked if she can see him! I can count on one hand the times I've asked her, and that was only because she was getting offended at not being asked. So I genuinely fail to see how it's their business how many children we have?! I'm the one looking after them, DH works and provides for them, so I can't see why they'd be so horrible?!

It's MIL's birthday soon and the whole family are getting together for a meal, and I can see me kicking off if any comments are made. I actually want to make an excuse and miss it. I feel if they think it's okay to be so rude and offensive to me, they should get some back.

DH thinks I'm being over sensitive. I asked him how he'd feel if my dad told him to get the snip, and he told me he'd punch him. So it's okay for him to feel that's inappropriate, but perfectly fine for his family to say what they like to me?!

I am really upset

 

[chipmunk wife]

I would be ticked if someone said that to me!! And it would probably cause a fight with my husband for not sticking up for me. I don't think you are overreacting at all. I avoid confrontation so I would probably make an excuse to not go to the gathering, but you may be able to handle that better than I would. Maybe talk to your partner and let him know why you feel he should have your back on this, even if you do only want 2 children. That is YOUR decision to make together, not anyone elses. (I have to remind myself of that often, actually.) As far as saying something to the in-laws about it, maybe try to wait and let it blow over, but if they keep making comments like that, I don't think it's unreasonable to say "We have discussed it and that is not something we want to do. If we decide to have more children or not, it is our business and our decision to make and I feel it is inappropriate for you to say that." There are ways to stand up for yourself without coming off as rude or snappy. Of course, they may see it that way anyways but it sounds like they have problems of their own in that department.

 

[bdb84]

The fact that your DH would be angry at your dad should be enough of a sign to him that his family's comments obviously affect you the same way. Does he not get that he's acting hypocritical by tell you that you are overreacting, but yet says he would hit someone who told him to get "fixed"?

As to his family- if they bring it up, I would just smile and say, "Thanks for your advice. It's something -husband- and I will discuss between the two of us." and then move along. You're acknowledging that you've heard them, but then mention that it's also something that will be discussed *in private* amongst your husband and yourself- as it should be.

Moving on- how do you feel at stopping at two? It seems your husband has already decided? Did you both come to that decision together? If not, then it seems it may be time to have a sit-down with DH, as this isn't a decision that should be made lightly and without BOTH being in agreement.

There are plenty of birth control methods out there to prevent in the future, but you are very young, and so I do caution against deciding something so permanent so soon. You never know what could change. My husband and I were absolutely sure we were done after our daughter was born, and now look at us, four years later. So, you just never know what can change.

 

[mandaa1220]

Livid wouldn't even begin to describe how I'd feel. It is absolutely NONE of their business.

When my in laws make comments regarding specific parenting decision that DH and I have to make in the future and don't advise even, but rather tell how it will HAVE to be, it makes me that much more stubborn about the subject and do the opposite of what they said.

 

[IrishTwins]

I am majorly annoyed at DH's family. Last week we and MIL were talking, and she asked when I next saw the midwife, I told her it was this week and she said she thinks I should get a c section and to quote her 'and whilst you're there, ask if they can sterilise you, it won't hurt to ask'.

I'm 23! I told her as I'm only 23 I wouldn't be considering anything so drastic. I've been thinking on it and getting more and more annoyed about it to be honest. Then last night DH's aunt rang (MIL's sister) and she must have said something too, because my DH said 'no, don't worry, we intend to stop at two'.

WTF?! Why is it anyone else's business how many children we have?!

I'm actually really offended. Do they think that I'm such a rubbish mother I shouldn't consider any more?! I love my son and this baby, my son is always taken care of, we have never asked for them to provide for our children financially or even babysit very often! The times MIL does babysit, is when she's asked if she can see him! I can count on one hand the times I've asked her, and that was only because she was getting offended at not being asked. So I genuinely fail to see how it's their business how many children we have?! I'm the one looking after them, DH works and provides for them, so I can't see why they'd be so horrible?!

It's MIL's birthday soon and the whole family are getting together for a meal, and I can see me kicking off if any comments are made. I actually want to make an excuse and miss it. I feel if they think it's okay to be so rude and offensive to me, they should get some back.

DH thinks I'm being over sensitive. I asked him how he'd feel if my dad told him to get the snip, and he told me he'd punch him. So it's okay for him to feel that's inappropriate, but perfectly fine for his family to say what they like to me?!

I am really upset

You have every right to be super upset and angry. I had similar comment made to me with pp. I think the comment is coming from someone who had children and likely decided it was way more work than they bargained for? So now MIL is putting her feeling on you? I know that was the case with the family member who made same comment to me. At the time I didn't see it but after months of being angry over comment I figured that out.

I would put out there if another such comment is made "did you find children to be more work than you thought?" And don't lower yourself to be angry about it. Too much stress for you. Not everyone eases through children and not everyone wants to give their life entirely to children so they can't see why we would be fine with 1 or 2 more.

I actually have grown to not mind te comment that I got as it reminds me that not everyone can do what I do. Not everyone can fathom more than 2. Whereas I feel like I could handle 10 ( if actually being pregnant didn't exist).

Good luck.

 

[maisie78]

I could perhaps live with comments about not having any more although it would still annoy me that anyone thinks they have a say in mine and oh's lives but the comment about having a section and getting sterilised would be too much for me and I would.be frankly livid! That is very offensive and does beg the question about what sort of parents they think you are.

Not quite to this extreme but my in laws did not welcome the news of this baby and we realised it was because they thought dd would somehow be neglected. I think they thought we were trying to somehow replace imperfect disabled child with a 'normal' child. I was incredibly offended because we both work and still take dd to all of her hospital and therapy appointments. She is adored by both of us and we would never let her care suffer because we had another child.

God forbid we should decide to have a third, I think they'd have an aneurysm

 

[ajlj1126]

I'm in the same boat so I understand how you feel. DH's father (who has always been an alcoholic/abusive a-hole) upon hearing the news of our second baby said "Jeez how many of those do you plan on popping out? Have you all ever heard of condoms?"
We don't let it get to us, since his opinion obviously means very little to us, but if I were you I would definitely tell them that it is none of their business whatsoever what you choose to do with YOUR fallopian tubes and YOUR uterus! UGH people are ridiculous!

 

[StranjeGirl]

????? I can't believe someone would say that?? Your 23!!! Who knows what you will decide to do in the future...you have so much time ahead of you. Regardless of what you want, it is absolutely none of their business what you decide to do with your body and your family. I think dh needs a kick in the butt to confront his family, ask what this is all about, and tell them to butt out! So sorry you are going through this!!!!
And why the c-section comment??? Why would anyone suggest getting a c-section if you don't need to? Did you have one last time or something? That doesn't make any sense???

 

[PrincessMommy]

Ohhhh I would be pissed beyond all reason! You have every right to be upset. I think DH maybe is just trying to defend his family because he knows how silly they are sounding?? If I were you I would tell them. I am not saying start a fight or anything, but stand up! I had to with my DHs aunt when we were pregnant with our son. It was his 3rd kid and I remember her posting mean things on Facebook like "oh, here we go again" or "not this again, ugh" I told her I didn't care what she thought. We love each other and the baby is not her concern. She backed off thank goodness. We are expecting our second and they will be a bit less than 12 months apart. She doesn't know yet, but I can only imagine the comments I am going to have to deal with.

Tell them you feel like you are too young to get tied and you would like the freedom to have another child. You don't owe them any other answer- it's your life!!

Good luck dealing with it, I hope that all goes as smoothly as possible for you!!

 

[nickyb]

Wow it really amazes me the stupid things people say especially when it comes to pregnancy, it's like they have the right to! I had a similiar thing the other week at a family meal my uncle said oooh maybe it's time to get your tubes tied Nic!!!! I wanted to throw my salad at him

 

[sethsmummy]

Perfect thing to do... ask your dad to tell him that very thing hun and see the reaction he has.. and then go... Well maybe youll stick up for me next time eh?!

 

[RcdM]

I didn't really read through the other comments but I'd be pissed too! And pissed if DH didn't stand up for me. However, some in laws are just weird and make comments without really thinking. My advice would just be suck it up and be the bigger person. Don't stoop to their level and make negative comments back. That is much more respectable that causing a big argument, making your DH feel as if he is caught in the middle, and then hold resentment for years to come. You're right, it's none of their business, so try to let it go and don't hold on to the anger.

My step-MIL (is that a thing? DH's step mom?) is CRAZY and makes super weird comments all the time. We just laugh about it and pretty much act like she never said it. We are all happier that way, fighting isn't going to get us anywhere except make everyone miserable.

 

[Megamegan]

I would have laughed right in her face. Like she just told a joke. I would have said "Are you kidding me? Thanks for your concern, but I'll be just fine making my own choices." Then it's like, I'm not really confronting her in a pissed off way, but I'm telling her she's an idiot for trying to tell me what I can and cannot do with my reproductive life.

Your hubby probably just feels like he's stuck in the middle and doesn't want to upset anyone or cause a fight. I'd try not to be upset with him because hey at least he's the kind of guy who doesn't want to cause trouble. If she says something like that again, I'd expect him to say "come on mom, we don't need to hear that stuff, we'll discuss it alone" and see if she backs off.

Anyway, sorry you had to deal with that.

 

[emeeorevan]

The fact that your DH would be angry at your dad should be enough of a sign to him that his family's comments obviously affect you the same way. Does he not get that he's acting hypocritical by tell you that you are overreacting, but yet says he would hit someone who told him to get "fixed"?

As to his family- if they bring it up, I would just smile and say, "Thanks for your advice. It's something -husband- and I will discuss between the two of us." and then move along. You're acknowledging that you've heard them, but then mention that it's also something that will be discussed *in private* amongst your husband and yourself- as it should be.

Moving on- how do you feel at stopping at two? It seems your husband has already decided? Did you both come to that decision together? If not, then it seems it may be time to have a sit-down with DH, as this isn't a decision that should be made lightly and without BOTH being in agreement.

There are plenty of birth control methods out there to prevent in the future, but you are very young, and so I do caution against deciding something so permanent so soon. You never know what could change. My husband and I were absolutely sure we were done after our daughter was born, and now look at us, four years later. So, you just never know what can change.

completely agree with this post. It is your decision . you and husband should make it in private. you are very young. My DH and I were certain we were done after 2. Now Nearly EIGHT YEARS later we are having #3!! Couldn't be happier! You never know what the future Holds. And unfortunately at only 23 you need to keep in mind that many unthinkable things could happen that could result in a second marriage or other things that may have you wanting another child.

 

[linz1988]

This i thought you had about 5 kids. Even if you did they would stil he rude and out of line for sayin it. Your Dh probably knows its wrong but he doesn't want to back u up and make it into something bigger than it needs to be! Mayb u shud sit down with ur ml and tell her shes crossed the line etc

 

[laura109]

Families!!!! I totally would feel like you. Fake abit of dizziness and sickness and skip the meal. You do not have to put up with them comments. My mum and dad are being bossy with me. Telling me i do not want to find out the gender and they do not want to know. Because i said its our choice my dad stopped talking to me. They make me feel like an idiot.

Telling me what i can and can't buy. What i do not need that i want.

It seems parents think they should stick there two cents in. Your other half should of said well thats up to us rather than say do not worry.

you do not want to get sterilised because you do not know what the future may bring. im sure you will be together in 10 years but if you did split up and meet someone else you may want a child together.

ignore them. Pregnancy is really putting me off family!!!!

 

[londonangel]

Oh my goodness, how rude! I'd be livid! I'd be tempted to have a third just to annoy them!

Yesterday someone at work said to me 'oh, are you preggy again?' (as though I spend lots of time being pregnant - which I don't - I'm 33 and have one daughter!) and when I said yes she said 'was it planned?'. What the...?! So cheeky. I was very tempted to tell her it was a terrible accident but it's okay because I'll be getting it 'fixed'. I wonder what she'd have said to that....

 

[Yo_Yo]

That's so out if order! Did you have a rough birth experience with your lo? I'm trying to understand why she's wanting you to have a c-section and be sterilised?! That would explain maybe she's concerned about you , but if all was ok I really don't understand why. I'd be very offended too-no one should make such a huge decision at 23.

 

[WelshOneEmma]

I'd be annoyed at that as well. Then I would probably respond with "oh no, we plan on having at least 6 babies" and see how that goes down (we dont, maybe 3 though).

Families do say weird things though. My sister accused me of getting pregnant to try to make her skint (baby due Christmas time). Sometimes people dont think. Just laugh at her narrow minded-ness and tell hubby next time he sticks up for you.

Apart from which, at 23 they wouldn't do that. My neighbour is 29 and has 5 kids and they will not consider sterilisation before the age of 30 and at least 2 kids. So tell her to put that in her pipe and smoke it!

 

[sandilion]

I haven't read the other comments here but WOW how rude are they!?

I would be pissed off as well ... and would probably skip the birthday gathering.

Whats annoying me the most about this is they expect YOU to to be the one who gets sterilized! If they believe so strongly you both shouldn't have anymore kids (which i totally don't get as its NONE of their business!) then why don't they request your DH get the job done. Why you? Id be furious. That is just wrong and quite horrible of them. I think they need a reality check and owe you an apology to be honest.

And what's with your DH saying its not ok for it to be said about him by your family, but it's ok for his family to say it about you? That's just crap ...Id be furious with him as well for not sticking up for you and telling them to pull their heads in. Does he usually side with them like that? Appalling, all of them are. Sounds like your DH needs to grow a pair and put them in their box if he wouldn't like it said about him.