am i being unreasonable? LONG RANT.

[kbwebb]

a bit of a backstory. I live at home with my mum, me and OH are looking for a house, and we're on the housing list, but with us both finishing college in the coming months, and OH applying for tons of jobs but never hearing anything, I don't know how long we're going to be living here, it could be months it could be for the next year.
my mum doesn't admit she has a drink problem because she 'doesnt drink in the day', but she does sit there in the evenings waiting for say 5-6 so that she can start drinking, or if shes at work she will come straight back and start drinking. it isn't just one or two cans, a few days a week. its every day of the week, and its whole bottles of vodka, or half a crate of cans, or a couple of bottles of wine.. or sometimes a mixture of all of it. she will even sit there drinking really cheap stuff if they dont have what she usually has, just so she can atleast have some sort of drink.

well, because of this, i dont feel comfortable having my daughter around her when she comes. sure, i'll let her see her (we are living together afterall) but i won't be asking her to babysit any time soon, or anything like that. i just wouldnt feel shes safe.

all through my pregnancy shes been really nasty with me because she hasnt been invited to appointments, but theyre all in the mornings, and she doesnt get out of bed until 12-1pm. she didn't like the fact that my MIL was coming to my birthing classes, but knows that my MIL has a car and is the only way we can get there (hospital is 30-40 mins away). now its getting closer to my due date it's even worse.

my MIL has been very generous, she paid for all of babys things, and we've just paid her back with our maternity grant, but my mum complains about everything and thinks that my MIL is 'flashing her cash'. she doesnt have lots of money at all, infact she lives off just her sick pay from her disability, but if she didnt buy us those things for baby we would honestly have nothing at all for Lucy.

my MIL is written down in my birth plan, again because she has a car, and also because me and OH need that support with us being young and not knowing what to expect. my mum didn't like this at all. shes basically demanded to be there, and screamed at me that i was being selfish when i said that i'd ask for her to be removed if she turned up. how can i write someone down in my birth plan, if theres a chance she would be so drunk she cant stand? or so hungover she cant string a sentence together? (thought i'd add here, when my sister was in labour my mum showed up drunk as anything shouting and trying to get into the room and then wondered why my sister asked for her not to be let in to the room)

she asked if she could come 'visit' after ive given birth, but i said that I wanted me and OH to have alone time after i give birth, even my MIL has said is going to go home to give us some space before coming to bring us home. but my mum still says that im being unreasonable, and that i'm keeping her away from her grandchild. Ive explained multiple times to her that her drinking is the problem, and that if she just cut down or even showed me that she could go a few days without (and therefore isnt dependant on it) i'd feel i could trust her alot more. but she isn't having any of it, i'm apparently 'telling her what to do, and trying to control her life'.

so, am i in the wrong or not? it honestly feels like im the mother and shes the teenage daughter..

 

[_jellybean_]

No. You're not wrong. Sounds like she really needs help. You're not keeping your lo from her. She'll see lo since you're living with her.

 

[kbwebb]

thanks, it's one of those 'she won't get help if you tell her to, she has to herself' sort of situations, just can't wait to move out

 

[MrsGards]

You are certainly not in the wrong. Im sure that your mum would never ever do anything deliberately to put baby at risk but when she's drunk, her judgement would be clouded. My dds father became a drunk when dd was born and I wasn't able to even have a bath without taking dd with me as I was so frightened by what he would do. Stick to what you know is right and do what is right for you and baby.

 

[mandaxx]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry you have to put up with this, alcoholics are so selfish. They just refuse to see how their behaviour affects the people around them. You need to get out of that house as soon as possible. You need to stay away from her until she sorts herself out, if she does. I know from experience that there is absolutely nothing you can do to help her, the help comes from herself. You need to get away from her because she will continue to hurt you. Tell her you will let her see your child and be a part of your life when she stops drinking and not a moment before, and by stops drinking, you mean sober completely for several months. Alcoholics all know deep inside that they have a problem, they just won't admit it. They know where to go to get help but they need to want it really really badly. She's your mum, she should protect and help you, not make you feel this way just before your first child is born. Don't feel one bit guilty for accepting help from your MIL, she is doing right by you and it's great that you have her. It's such a pity that you are living with your mum were you can't escape this every day. Hopefully you will get an offer of a house very soon after baby arrives. My FIL died six months ago from alcoholism. We tried everything but in the end he loved alcohol more than his kids and his grandchildren. It's a pity, but he chose that fate for himself. His kids are in bits now and I feel for them after everything he's put them through. Alcoholism is an illness yes, but when the person chooses to hurt their family over changing their life, that is just pure selfishness. Never let anyone who does so little for you control so much of your thoughts, feelings and emotions, no matter who they are. I wish you the best of luck xxx

 

[Jenny_J]

That was an awespme reply, really spot on.

If I were you hun id find anywhere else asap. Could you live with MIL?

 

[kbwebb]

unfortunately i cant, its too crowded there as theres my OH, his brother sister mum and step-dad all living there and the council said we can't get any higher on the list unless were homeless. I could apply for a bedsit, but the problem with those is once you're in one the council pretty much leave you there and i don't want to be stuck in there with a young baby for a long time. you also cant have partners coming in everyday and they cant stay. atleast here my OH gets to stay here and will be able to help with baby when shes here.

 

[Ripley]

Your Mom is letting you live there so she is giving you guys a lot. Even if she can't buy things like MIL. I'd consider them even.

As for the drinking that's really sad. You won't be able to stop her. She has to do it on her own. I would also shield my child from that. I have this auto response "Mom I want you as baby's gramma if course! But you can't be around her when your drinking. That's all." Let her figure out what that means.

If she says she wants to be there tell her, "I want you there Mom, but you can't be there if your drinking." And tell the staff that your Mom can only come in if she's sober. It's your Moms problem to figure out how to make that happen. You just tell her you want (the good comment) followed by the rule (the harsh reality). And leave it at that.

If she freaks out on you and says you don't love her or are trying to control her say "that's not true I love you Mom. You are free to do what you want. But I will be controlling my life, and my babies safety."

 

[Jenny_J]

unfortunately i cant, its too crowded there as theres my OH, his brother sister mum and step-dad all living there and the council said we can't get any higher on the list unless were homeless. I could apply for a bedsit, but the problem with those is once you're in one the council pretty much leave you there and i don't want to be stuck in there with a young baby for a long time. you also cant have partners coming in everyday and they cant stay. atleast here my OH gets to stay here and will be able to help with baby when shes here.

The council will have to make you a priority if your living in overcrowded accommodation with a baby, same level as homelessness. You need to call the council daily once your claim is in, and ask if anywhere available has come up. It works, trust me :-D

 

[laodicean]

I think the PPs have all given really good advice, but I just wanted to say that it doesn't sound like your Mum should stop drinking overnight - it could be very dangerous for her. It sounds like she is a true alcohol-dependant, which means her body and brain are so used to regular alcohol top ups that if she stops, she might develop delirium tremens - i.e., serious withdrawal that can potentially kill.

You need to talk to your/her GP about this; there should be dedicated withdrawal programmes available to help get her off the booze safely. Maybe part of the reason she continues to drink is because she's so scared of the withdrawal side-effects when she gets them? She may not have told you about these because they're so easily cured or avoided... by having a drink.

Sit down with her, and as difficult as it may be, offer her support. Say you want her to come to the birth, etc, but in order for her to be able to do so she needs to go to the doctor, and that you'd be more than happy to go with her and help her to get the help she needs.

When you're addicted to something like alcohol or drugs, it can be so difficult to get help on your own... and the people who are able to kick the addiction usually have a lot of support from family and friends along the way. It's almost impossible to do on your own, because it's so easy to slide back into old habits.

I really hope things turn around for her, because it sounds as though she knows what she's missing out on, it's just that she's be caught up by a demon and doesn't know how to get free.

Good luck x

 

[laodicean]

Here's a link to an article to tell you more about the DTs:

https://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/Acute-Alcohol-Withdrawal-and-Delirium-Tremens.htm

Oh, and to answer your original question, no you're not being unreasonable, the health of your baby is definitely your priority! But at the same time I've worked with many patients who are alcohol dependant, and I know it is possible to kick the habit, with the right support - and really, possibly missing out on being involved in her granddaughter's life may be the thing she needs to spur her to help herself, IF she gets a little support from you in order to begin to do so x

 

[lilesMom]

hugs hon, u r totally right, u r looking after ur little one and putting her first which is how it should be. well done on being so capable, cant be easy trying to negotiate with someone who is drunk half the time. xxx
keep goin as u r , stick to ur plans, it feels long now but u will get ur house soon and u can have ur own space as a family then xxxxxxx hugs xxxx
chin up, things will get better, do ur best to ignore her ranting about u being unfair , cos u r not xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[magic93]

I can totally understand where your commin from hun, you are definately not in the wrong! I grew up with two alcoholic parents and it can be rough, my moms gotten better in the last few years but she still drinks everyday, only beer now but still, I wish she would only drink on the weekends. She doesnt realize how much her drinking has affected mine and my sisters life, let alone her own. I dont live with my mom tho and our relationship has gotten alot better since i moved in with my dad 3 years ago. My dad drinks alot somedays, but not everyday, and my dad doesnt drink at home, whereas my mom does. Anyways the guy who rents the basement apartment at my dads house is moving out, so I am going to rent the basement for my OH and I. My OH is currently in jail, but when he gets out at least we will have our own space for our family. Considering I am about to give birth at any time, it doesnt look like my OH is going to be there for the birth of our son. My sister will be present in the delivery room no matter what. My mom would like to be in the delivery room as well, and I would love for her to be there too... But not if shes drunk, I have told her this several times over the last few weeks and she continues to drink every night. I really hope she can be there for me and the birth of her grandson, but I will not have her there intoxicated, and I know she will feel hurt if I tell her no. God bless you if your still reading but stay strong you need to do the best for you and your child. Best of luck, I hope you can get thru to your mom. If you wanna talk more pm me anytime.

 

[lmp1505768]

You are not being unreasonable at all.

I went through this when we had DD. We were living with DF's mom, though we didn't know there was a drinking problem when we agreed to splitting an apartment. Which was very irritating as I moved out o my mother's place because of her drinking/ moodiness,and MIL knew this, but moved in with us anyways, neglecting to mention her drinking.

Initially things were okay... she would just retreat to her room and drink the night away. But then she would come out wasted at 6 pm and try to talk to my daughter(maybe 9 mo) while she was eating and end up knocking things over into her tray.then one night DD was crying and we were giving it 15 min before going back in, and suddenly DD stopped ,so we continued with our night. About 20 minutes later, a very drunk MIL comes out and says "I was just in with DD, holding her." So,floored, I asked why. And she said "because she was crying and wanted to be held". Well yes, I knew that, but as her parent,I made the decision to NOT rock my children to sleep everynight,and she set us back about three days. Finally, the last straw came when she took her dog out for a walk, and didn't come back. As we went looking for her, firemen came up and said someone found her lying in the grass passed out (mortifying!) And she went to the hospital. Two hours after she stopped drinking she blew a .23 . They think she had a seizure from too much alcohol, as she wet herself. To this day, nearly two years later, she is still drinking. Despite the fact that she never sees DD and wont be seeing DS(due in june) if she keeps it up. Point being, just living there can be dangerous for the baby, not to mention frustrating for your family. Simply not involving her in as much is nothing. She is choosing alcohol over you and your baby. When and if its important to her, she will seek help, and start recovery.

I guess I have kind of a insensitive view, but MIL really put me, and especially her son, through hell, and its completely selfish and manipulative. So I say let them make their choices, but you have to do what's best for baby

 

[sophie22]

unfortunately i cant, its too crowded there as theres my OH, his brother sister mum and step-dad all living there and the council said we can't get any higher on the list unless were homeless. I could apply for a bedsit, but the problem with those is once you're in one the council pretty much leave you there and i don't want to be stuck in there with a young baby for a long time. you also cant have partners coming in everyday and they cant stay. atleast here my OH gets to stay here and will be able to help with baby when shes here.

The council will have to make you a priority if your living in overcrowded accommodation with a baby, same level as homelessness. You need to call the council daily once your claim is in, and ask if anywhere available has come up. It works, trust me :-D

Yeah my sister did this too and it gets you straight up the list