am I being unreasonable...

Discussion in 'Baby Club' started by mumindub, Dec 9, 2009.

  1. mumindub

    mumindub New Member

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    Am Mum of gorgeous little 4 month old who is really good, not demanding at all and to be honest have joined forum as need to vent to someone.

    I've never been so tired in my life, I'm so exhausted I just feel like crying all the time, can't think straight. Beginning to feel v. cross and resentful with Hubby. He's got a v. busy job and know he is tired too but wish he would step up a bit more and I feel like I'm being half unreasonable...

    He's been going to work v. early so he can get home before bubs goes to sleep but that's made him so tired when he comes home that, depending on day, he takes bubs for 0.5 - 1 hour from me in the evening to give me a break. Recently he has been v. busy with v. long hours and tried to give him as much of a rest as poss, he moved into spare room for a few nights so he could get some sleep during this big project so from my perspective he got a few full nights sleep, also took bubs home for a weekend to give him a few nights unbroken sleep while he was working the saturday.

    It's all coming to a head and yesterday started and ended fantastically - it started when I told H that I was completely exhausted, he turned around and said that it wasn't going to get any better and that it was now normal...not what I wanted to hear (an I know, it'll be ok and a hug would have pretty much sorted me...). Then during the day he said he was worried about me and so was going to miss one of his xmas parties this week so he could be here to help me on fri and sat morning (rather than being hungover). So then I feel guilty and am all, "I'm fine, please go to your party etc" but he has decided he's not cause I need a hand out. I'm delighted at that as I really need a break.

    He then tells me that I don't help myself - I should be going to sleep when bubs is sleeping and that I should put bubs down to play by himself and have a nap when he's playing. I do try to have a nap when bubs does but he's a napper, only get about 1/2 hour out of him twice a day but I also have to clean, do the laundry, do dinner (which H says he doesn't expect me to do but since bubs arrived he asks what's for dinner, rarely cleans and rarely does any of the laundry - he says leave it until the morning which to me means he doesn't want to see me do it but if I don't do it while he's there and can go to bubs if needs be then I have to do it the next day and it takes twice as long with running to bubs etc...). He also says that I have bubs in my arms too much - bubs is 4 months old and for the first say 2.5 months pretty much screamed if he was out of your arms. Evidence for bubs being in my arms too much is my taking him into bed on my chest when I can't settle him to sleep when he wakes during the night - this has become a feature because bubs was a sick for about last 4 weeks on and off so that has contributed to my being so tired as I don't get much sleep when he's in bed with me. If I don't bubs won't settle and H won't get sleep and so will be exhausted and also to be honest it is easier option for me.

    Also he asked me twice whether I wanted to go for a swim last night and when I said for the millionth time no bec I was shattered he said we should both go on Fri - beginning to wonder whether he even hears me or whether he thinks I'm exaggerating...

    In fairness to him he gave bubs the 7pm bottle and put him to bed. then at about 9 he said he's going to bed to read and that I shouldn't be surprised if he falls asleep. Great, I only have to do the washing up, the bottles, the 10.30pm feed and wait for a delivery guy to arrive. Feel that his concern is pretty much lip service when he fecks off up to bed after me saying I'm completely at the end of my tether. When I went up to bed he was asleep but woke when I went pottering about. I was clearly not impressed and when he insisted on asking what was wrong I said that I was so shattered all I wanted him to do was step up and help but all he did was go to bed while stuff needed to be done, that I had to wait for the delivery guy and also do the night feed. His suggestion was that I could have done what I had to do and then come to bed for a sleep - I could have put an alarm on to wake myself for the night feed...So there we are having a fight and he does the martyr and says he is going to do the whole night. That was a godsend as it's the first night he's ever done (he can't do nights, only early mornings...) but now he's not talking to me and yes, while one night is great I'm still so tired but also now upset at what I think is him being an ass which is not helping...

    Am I being unreasonable or is this just the way it is??? Sorry for the essay...
     
  2. Lu28

    Lu28 Aisling's mammy

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    Just wanted to send you big :hug: I think we've all been there at some point, I don't think our OHs really understand what it's like. I've had so many people say I should sleep when she sleeps but like you there's no point if it's just for 30 minutes, by the time you got to sleep it'd be time to wake up again!

    I found that I had to sit DH down at a time when I wasn't going to yell at him so I could explain to him rationally how I was feeling. I think men sometimes think that by being home, we get to rest etc whereas they're at it all day long at work and if they understood it's non stop for us too it might make him a bit more understanding.

    Hope things improve soon :hugs:
     
  3. special_kala

    special_kala love my bugs

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    your not being unreasonable at all hun, he sounds exactly like my OH but they might have long work hours (say 9hour shifts), i bet you have longer. What we do is a 24 hour job! He needs to realise that and that a 1 hour break a day is not enough.

    I agree with LU28 sit him down and talk to him when your not angry at him for not doing anythng, he might see sense then. Does he have days of? get him to do what you do foir two days and see how he feels when you say "sleep when he sleeps"!

    My OH also says "do it in the morning" but whats to say you will have the time, i might sound like a cow but my OH wasnt helping with washing and stuff so i only washed mine and Rivers clothes for a while. He wasn't impressed
     
  4. Scally

    Scally Well-Known Member

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    I dont think u r being unreasonable! He has to do his fair share, the baby is his too, he needs to either take the baby for longer or help out more with the chores. Me and my OH have had this out soooo much, i have actually walked out once! My advice would be to calmly discuss it and tell him how u feel, most men have no idea what u have to do day in, day out! I always said i would never become one of these naggy women, but men drive us to it!!!! lol
     
  5. Mum2b_Claire

    Mum2b_Claire Mummy to Ruby & Scarlett!

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    LOL!

    I had to explain to my OH that if he didn't do stuff, like not putting his plate in the dishwasher, and just leaving it on the side, he was in effect saying to me, 'I'm leaving this for you to do' as it wasn't going to do itself, was it.

    We had a couple of weekends where we argued about chores pretty much constantly. But he is better now and at weekends when we're in, we alternate between playing with Ruby and doing chores until they're all done.
     
  6. Dona

    Dona Well-Known Member

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    Oh yeah I've been there too with OH. Men just don't understand but I really feel for him going to work when he is shattered too. I am about to go back to work soon and I am dreading it when we've had a bad night with Archie.

    Here's what I did which made OH appreciate how hard looking after a baby all day really is. This Sat and Sun, you leave him with the baby....ALL DAY! You go to a spa or some retail therapy with your friends, or ask him to take the wee one out all day so you can catch up on some well deserved sleep. Don't make it an option, tell him its a must.

    Lets see if he sleeps when the baby sleeps LOL xx
     
  7. tinyme77

    tinyme77 Well-Known Member

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    Well done for getting this far wiithout needing to vent! you need him to understand what help you want/need. give him a task he'll happily do. write down how you feel and let him read it. I'm going to get my OH to start going to my lttle one from when he goes down until midnight. It means i get some sleep and as he doesn't need feeding my husband only gets woken for a couple of minutes.
    good luck.
     
  8. faille

    faille Mummy & WTT

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    I think the hardest part is getting a routine going and once you've got that sussed it's easier.

    I always done the night feeds, sort her bottles out, cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing etc but I don't try doing too much in one day.

    If I get tired at home, it's ok, I can take a rest. If OH is tired at work, he doesn't get any slack. He could get into trouble if his work standards start dropping or he gets behind on his work and I'm not going to let that happen - I'd rather be tired myself as I can rest during the day whereas he can't. (I'm not saying sleep, but rest is still an option.. You can have LO on your lap and still rest).

    I must admitt that he's very good in the evening and at weekends. He'll take LO when he gets in and looks after her (feeds her, changes her and gets her ready for bed) whilst I sort out dinner, do the washing up and her bottles etc.

    I'd so much rather he take care of her when he gets in and I do the chores as it's the only time he gets with her. Them having bonding time is so much more important than whether the dishes get washed etc.

    Make the most of each opportunity you've got.... For example, I wash up in the evening and let the stuff air dry. When I come down in the morning and sort Violets bottle out, I put the washing up away and by time that's done, her bottle should be ready. When I'm waiting for her steriliser to run in the evening, I do the washing up and by time I've finished, so has her steriliser etc etc.

    Sorry that ended up a bit long but the key I think is not expecting too much of yourself and if something doesn't get done then don't worry about it.
     
  9. mumindub

    mumindub New Member

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    thanks ladies, really appreciate it! I've tried to tell him that being at home is not just sitting on my fat ass watching day-time tv but that it's the consistency of looking after bubs all day which is tiring. Evrey time I do it ends up in an argument and it turns out with me getting upset (which he can't stand) and him getting cross, getting all self righteous and saying I must think he's the worst dad in the world and I must think so little of him etc...

    I have to say I have considered not doing his laundry / tidying up after him but then I feel guilty and also we have such a tiny house that I'd only end up pulling my hair out with frustration at the mess!

    I suppose he sees me meeting people for lunch and going out for walks all the time and so that means I'm doing nothing but I can't be stuck in doors all day and I need to see other mums / friends for sanity's sake.

    It did start off as being much better though with him saying that he'd be "on duty" from 5am until 6am (from before bubs was in a bit of a routine) and up til 11pm but that died a death fairly quickly as I feel sorry for him having to work and being disturbed at night by the little one. He used to do the bottles in the morning which was a brilliant help but that died out too except for the occasional set he does. I find myself saying thanks to him for going up to settle bubs after he goes down or if he does the bottles or starts the dishes, feel as if he's doing me a favour. saying that now am feeling stupid...

    Would love him to take the initiative and help rather than being asked to do stuff as then I feel i'm nagging him:wacko:

    Maybe I should just stop whingeing:winkwink:
    thanks again xxx
     
  10. mumindub

    mumindub New Member

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    Appreciate your post. We have a routine with bubs and I'm completely with you in terms of me being tired rather than him being tired. Also, my day souns v. sim to yours except bubs is not a fan of sitting / lying in one place for any period of time - getting him out in the buggy for a few hours means he gets some day time sleep and fresh air at least. Prob is that H takes bubs for max an hour in the evening except when he's shattered from work or working late - I bath and generally bed him after having made dinner during the day / cleaned up / having done bottles in morning. For that hour am washing up / doing bottles or sometimes on computer. H doesn't want me to be doing washing up etc while he's there as I should be taking a rest...for me means that I have to do it when he's not. Weekends are a bit easier in fairness - just wish they were a bit longer!! thanks xx
     
  11. faille

    faille Mummy & WTT

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    Sorry hun I misunderstood your post :blush:

    If he's not willing to do anything and wants you to do chores when he's not there (so he doesn't have to see it and therefore doesn't have to feel guilty about it) then there's something wrong and he needs to get his arse in gear.

    Have you tried asking him to start doing the bottles in the morning again..? You might have to sugarcoat it a bit (otherwise they think we're nagging!) - something like it helps you so much and you really appreciate it blah blah rather than 'nagging' and 'expecting' him to do it..? If things aren't sugarcoated a bit they seem to think we're picking on them?!

    Does he ever cook..? Does he have one meal that he thinks he's a good cook at? If so you could try saying "oh I really fancy your 'x' tonight - fancy cooking for us whilst I give LO a bath' or something?

    I dunno.. Maybe that's not the right way around things but it looks like you've tried the honestly talking to him and he turns it around on you..


    Or you could what the other ladies have suggested..... If he keeps telling you to leave it til the morning, then do..... And when he asks if he's got any clean shirts or pants you say no, haven't got round to it yet as you keep telling me to leave it til the morning so I have, every morning...

    It's not fair that's he is expecting you to do everything. When he does take LO in the evening does he even do nappy changes or putting to bed? You could try asking a couple of times to get LO ready for bed whilst you quickly do 'x' (for eg) and if you ask enough, it sometimes just becomes habbit without them realising.
     
  12. becstar

    becstar Sleep is for the weak

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    Are we married to the same man? I could have written your post. My husband works only part time but lots of evenings (pub work) and lately it has been most days rather than a few days a week. Although I breastfeed and so do all the feeds (and bath her, and put her to bed, and get up with her in the night) I go out of my way to let him sleep until at least 9 each morning when he's worked late, even if she's up at 5am and I only had a handful of hours myself. Despite this, he does feck all about the house and wants a round of applause and a shower of confetti in thanks if he so much as washes up, even though he'll leave it all to air dry and leave the kitchen in a right mess. He is master of 'I'll do that in the morning, leave it' but then doing nothing the next day. AND he'll mope about all day looking tired and whinge to anyone who'll listen about how bloody tired he is. I could kill him.

    He also only bothers talking to me like a human being or showing any kind of affection when he wants a shag. I am reaching the end of my rope, really I am.

    Gah, sorry, that turned into my venting, but I do sympathise.
     
  13. lozenge

    lozenge Well-Known Member

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    Oh hun I sympathise completely. Only last week my OH decided to tell me I wasn't doing enough housework during the day!!!! You can imagine how I reacted, went absolutely ballistic (sleep deprivation doesn't help me to keep calm!) told him he didn't appreciate what I did do during the day and that looking after LO is a 24 7 job.

    He eventually came and apologised. However, I have noticed he still isn't doing any of the washing up/putting washing away etc. Because I'm at home he expects me to do it all. I think they must think we spend all day on our arses twiddling our thumbs?! MEN!! :growlmad:

    I agree with the others hun, try and have a calm word with your OH and let him know how you feel, try and come to some sort of agreement. xxx
     

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