Am I being unreasonable?

[tanzarini]

Hi!

This is my first post on the single parents section- i have a story that could be straight out of a soap opera, and could really do with some advice...

Well, i have 3 children, a seven year old girl and 5 month old boy/girl twins. Their father left me when i was 5 months pregnant with the twins (he is not the father of my eldest). According to him he didnt feel the same way about me anymore- I suspect a different motive, but have no way of knowing for sure. We managed to stay on speaking terms throughout the pregnancy, I let him come to all the scans (loads because of the twin pregnancy) and kept him in the loop with everything that went on. He was there when they were born, and came to visit loads while i was in hospital. When we were allowed home, we agreed that he would stay at my house (on the couch) for a while so he could help me out and bond with the babies too.

We came home on the wednesday, then on the friday he decides to drop the bombshell that he was seeing someone else, and that he had met her just two days before the babies were born. I was obviously very upset, for a multitude of reasons, but once i had calmed down a little bit i just made it clear that i didnt have a problem with him having another relationship, only that i did not want her meeting the babies until they were older, and until i had met her first. He accepted this (at the time) and made it clear to her what my feelings were.

Then she was away for a week (after they had met each other just 2 weeks before), and during a conversation with him he tells me that she has been shopping and bought the babies a present. This set alarm bells ringing with me straight away- i felt really uncomfortable that this woman was buying things for my children after such a short space of time. I told him i was unwilling to accept her gifts, and told him it made me feel uncomfortable. He agreed that i didnt have to take them, and to protect her feelings he pretended that he had given them to the babies. Over next couple of months things were awful. He hardly saw the children (she would take up his time leaving very little for the babies), financial support was sporadic, and his attitude towards me and the kids was horrendous. With just one newborn baby this would have been hard enough, with two (plus my eldest) it was so stressful!!! We had a few big arguments around christmas-time (nightmare!!) but we eventually managed to sort things out and things have been a lot better since. He is still together with this girl, but he has been seeing loads of the kids (which i really want him to do, I want them to have a Dad at the end of the day) and helping me out with things like taking us to the doctors for their injections etc. I appreciate his help (even though it's all stuff he should be doing anyway as a father in my opinion!!) and i have never tried to interfere in his relationship, or get between them in any way.

Tomorrow (Sunday) he is supposed to be having the twins in the afternoon, as usual. He still lives with his mother (who i get on well with) and he has them there from 12pm until around 7pm (He has them on other days too, but sunday is the only regular arrangement). I recieved a text message this morning saying that his girlfriend wants to go around for tea, and would i be ok with it if the twins were there. As i have not met her yet, and the babies are still so young, I said no. I told him he could still have the kids, but if she was coming round, he had to bring them home first. He has ample opportunities to see his girlfriend in the evenings and on other days in my opinion, and i feel that his time with his children should be dedicated to them.

His mother supports me on this, but now he is making me out to other people as being some nasty person who is just jealous and trying to cause trouble. I am far from jealous (better off without him, but want him as a friend if possible for the kids sake) and i really dont want any trouble. I just dont see why i should let someone ive never met see my children, especially while they are so young. Am I being unreasonable??? There are other bits to the whole story but ive already written an essay so far lol I could just do with an outside opinion on this!!

 

[aliss]

Even his own mother supports you on this one. He can twist it any way he wants but if your own mother disagrees with you and is siding with your ex, you're in the wrong! As for her buying presents for babies that were born about 2 weeks before she started dating him? She sounds... damaged. Stage 5 clinger. I wouldn't expect her to be around much longer.

 

[tanzarini]

Even his own mother supports you on this one. He can twist it any way he wants but if your own mother disagrees with you and is siding with your ex, you're in the wrong! As for her buying presents for babies that were born about 2 weeks before she started dating him? She sounds... damaged. Stage 5 clinger. I wouldn't expect her to be around much longer.

Thanks!! Stage 5 clinger, I like it!! She is majorly possessive of him, and i suspect (no proof though) that she is jealous of the time he spends with the children. She has basically bought his affections from day one (weekend trips to Paris and Dublin, gifts left right and centre). She is a good 7-8 years older than him but acts like a silly teenager (his fb page is sickening really). He doesn't understand what my problem is, and im afraid that he might start going behind my back letting her see them if im not careful about this. He is a great Dad and clearly loves the children to bits, but I just need him to see this from my perspective... hopefully his mother may get through to him! He has cancelled her coming around to his tomorrow now, but im dreading him arriving here to pick them up, the atmosphere is gonna be awful

 

[chels24uk]

i totaly agree with you. I told my ex from the moment i found out he was in a new relationship that she will NOT be meeting my children until A. they have been together for a LONG time and B. I have met her. But they live so far away theres actually no need for her to meet my kids anyway!
He probably wont come round to your way of thinking as men can be stubborn! but stand your ground. Hopefully he wont be awkward to you when he picks up the kids x

 

[N1kki]

i can understand your concerns i wouldnt want someone who hadnt even been in my ex's life 5 mins tending to my children.I would say to him that if hes to see his children this girl needs to keep her distance for now as their only young and hes only just adjusting to parenting himself.You said the mum supports you and this is a good thing i think she needs sit down with her son and tell him that your both in agreement that this girl being around the babys is not a good idea.If he isnt reasonable then you can throw in well then it have to be a contact centre then with supervised visit or supervised visits at your place or his mums.

 

[CLH_X3]

I personally don't see why you should have to meet his gf before she meets the twins ..

I have a bf who has a child by his ex, I seen the child for the first time at about 6/7 months and that was the first time he had his daughter by his self ...
I always told him I had no intention of meeting with his ex so she could see who I was ...
My OH loves his child an wouldn't have anyone around her that he didn't see suitable or dangerous .. As far as I was concerned if my OH could trust me then she would have to trust my OH decision that in his time with the little one I would be there ... Me being there doesn't effect his bond with his daughter or the amount of attention he gives her verses me as it's not a fight ...

Me and my OH don't get on with the ex and that may be why, he went to court to get access on the end as she wouldn't let him see his daughter by himself ...

I don't think your being unreasonable, I probs just see things from a different angle as I am the gf, i probs also would get a lil worried that he may bring her up without u knowing, I doubt he will come around to your way of thinking aswell ..

Maybe so he won't go behind your back think up some sort of time line with him so he knows when u think it will be ok .. ?

Me and my OH got super close within a very short amount of time into our relationship, so even if because of how long they have been together it may not seem there serious ... They may actually be ...

They also may have been together longer then you know ? ..

Hope everything sorts itself out xx

 

[aliss]

^ Believe me, if your OH dumped you tomorrow, you'd want to meet the new girlfriend before she meets your child. A woman who starts dating a guy when his ex is still pregnant and is buying him trips etc within the first few weeks has all the classic signs of someone who might want to move in to "overeager stepmommy" territory. I'd like to know her first and lay out the rules for my kids. JMO.

 

[tanzarini]

^ Believe me, if your OH dumped you tomorrow, you'd want to meet the new girlfriend before she meets your child. A woman who starts dating a guy when his ex is still pregnant and is buying him trips etc within the first few weeks has all the classic signs of someone who might want to move in to "overeager stepmommy" territory. I'd like to know her first and lay out the rules for my kids. JMO.

Thanks for all of your replies He was ok with me when he picked them up, I think his mother has made it clear to him that he needs to let me do this in my own time. My main concern is how young the twins are. They need to bond with their parents and immediate family before anyone else IMO.

I too can see the 'overeager stepmum' thing brewing, she does seem the type. But if and when i meet her it will be with a clean slate, and my impression of her will come from that. I would actually like to have a chat with her and get to know her a little if she is intent on sticking around, and if i feel the need to, lay out some ground rules. There is no worse feeling in the world than someone trying to worm their way in with your children, I mean, whats the rush?? One thing I particularly hate the thought of is them taking the babies out together and people asking her questions about them as if they are hers (Its amazing how much attention you get from people when you have twins, believe me!!). I am just very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I'm not saying he shouldn't be going out with her, he can see who he likes, but i do have the right to say who can and cant see the babies.

He will be bringing them home soon, so fingers crossed he carries on being ok with me!!

 

[CLH_X3]

Aliss - I dont think i would want to meet her, but i would want info on her if that makes sense, to know her back ground etc but i couldnt imagine ever wanting to meet her.. BUT you never know, i may want to if it ever come to that ..

I was just saying that as the new gf from her point of view, I did not want to meet the ex and i made that clear from the beginning to my OH .. that I had no intention of meeting her... I still havent meet her to this day! but she doesnt like to acknowlegde me in her daughters life at all since iv been in it.. even tho i see her daughter every weekend with my OH
My situation is obv diff from yours!

but i hope all went well when he dropped the twins home!
I can imagine you get loads of attention with twins my auntie had twins and every time she left the house people were stopping her!

 

[Mummyplus3]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, does the woman have kids of her own?

 

[tanzarini]

Well, all went ok when he dropped them off looks like we are still on speaking terms anyway. And no, she has no kids of her own so she can't possibly understand what I am going through...

 

[lal]

You are not being unreasonable. If the 2 of you are trying to be friendly and adjust to being new parents, he needs to respect what you are comfortable with. I wonder how he'd react to you bringing a guy around them right now.

As for CLH_X3's "getting very close very quickly", that's great, but a lot of times those relationships end very quickly too. At least with my ex. I think you need to establish a time frame of when new people you each see can meet the babies...also, you unfortunately cannot control them taking the babies out together, if she does last long enough to meet them - that I think is the hardest part, thinking of them "playing house" with your children, but I'd just think of it as free babysitting and know that they will ALWAYS know who their mother is and as long as you stay calm and above the situation, your kids will someday see it for what it is.

 

[littlekitten8]

I dont think you are being at all unreasonable. I can see it from both sides because ive been in both situations. I was the 'other' person with FOB. He has an older son and he introduced the LO to me incredibly quickly. Without telling the boys mum. To say I was furious was the understatement of the century. Me and the mum are now good friends. We both have children by this guy and he flits in and out of their lives when he feels like it. The other mum has an agreement with him that she gets to meet his gf's before they meet her son. I dont have to worry about it cos he has no contact with my LO (his choice). However when we first split we had agreed we would get to meet partners before partners met LO. I think that is perfectly reasonable.

 

[18singlemom2b]

i would be the exact same way, and to be honest, it wouldn't be all for the right reasons. i don't think it's possible to not be biased when your ex left you while pregnant, mine did the same to me, and if he got a new girlfriend and wanted to bring her around our daughter it would bother me to no end. and i know that might not be right. but it's hard to feel otherwise.