Am I in the wrong (FOB keeps cancelling seeing them)

[baileybubs]

Hi all,

Ok so I'm going to try not to rant here but I just want to know if I am in the wrong because my ex seems to think im being unreasonable and I want an unbiased opinion (my friends and family all think I am in the right but they would!).

I'll keep it as short as possible. Me and FOB split up 4 months ago when ds was 2 months old and dd 18 months old. It wasn't amicable as such but we didn't completely fall out, just didn't like each other in the end. He didn't love me any more and I was beginning to hate the way he behaved (gambling, drinking etc). Anyway, after the split I moved to my hometown for help with the kids and he was fine with this, even offered to help us move. It's only 30 mins on the motorway from where he is or 45 mins on a train so not that hard to get to so he can see the kids.
For the first couple of months I took the kids up to him once a week for him to see them at his parents as his house is unsuitable and he doesn't drive. He kept promising petrol money but never gave me any. So after a few weeks i said we should alternate and he could come on the train one week and have them at my house and I would just go out. But every time he was coming on the train he ended up late or cancelling. Then over Christmas he cancelled seeing them
3 weeks in a row, each time meaning letting them down and me having to cancel plans.
The last 5 weeks he has been late for 3 of them due to "eating something dodgy" and "missing the train". Last week he was sick again and just didn't come at all. Today he told me he was going for the train, then half an hour later phoned saying he seemed to have lost his last £10 whilst he was at the pub last night (apparently it must have fallen out of his pocket he claims) so can't afford the train.

So I have said im done helping him and bending over backwards for him to let them and me down every week. I've told him I won't drive them to him and he isn't allowed in my house. If he wants to see them he can come and get them and bring them back off his own steam.

He seems to think that I am being unreasonable.

What do you think?

Oh and another note, for the first couple of months he also kept changing what day he had them meaning I had to keep rearranging stuff until January when I said he had to pick a day of the week and stick to it.
Also the reason I couldn't drive them for most of January was coz my car needed repairing, and the last 2 weeks I have refused to drive them to him because he hasn't managed to come up on the train on time once since he said he would.

 

[Rhio92]

Npt being unreasonable at all, you've done more than enough for him!

 

[baileybubs]

That's what I thought but he seems outraged that I expect him to come and pick them up, like its my responsibility to get them to him or allow him in my house.
I don't understand how he can't see that it's up to him to make sure he can see his kids? I've told him he can have them whenever he wants but he has to pick them up.

 

[baileybubs]

Adding to this again as he's cancelled on them again and also hasn't paid any maintainance either, what would you do??

If I say he can't have them at my house and I won't drive them to him then is that technically me not letting him see them? If he took me to court would it look like I was being purposely awkward by doing this? He asked me if I would pick the up from his parents today if he took them there and I refused coz quite frankly I don't have the time or the money for the petrol and I've lost all my ability to help him any more coz he's let me down every single week by either cancelling or being late so I don't see why I should make his life easier.
But am I then just being nasty??

Part of me just wants to ignore him unless he says he'll come and pick them up or asks how they are, what would you do im at a loss now coz I don't want my kids missing out on seeing their dad but I'm sick of me always being the one to go out of my way (and pocket!!) so that they see him.

 

[baileybubs]

Anyone?

 

[baileybubs]

Nobody?

 

[Meezerowner]

He's defo the one in the wrong atm and should be making more of an effort to grow up and take responsibility for getting from A-B. Losing his last ten in the pub is beyond ridiculous and irresponsible. Why is he in the pub if he clearly only just afford the fare and is messing about with maintenance too.

Unfortunately unless you get something done officially to say when he is going to have them and who's responsible for the travel arrangements I imagine he is going to continue to jerk you around.

If it was decided officially I have heard that both parents often have to divide travel time equally, but I don't know if this is always true.

What would happen if you always did the dropping off to his and then he was responsible for bringing them back or vice versa?

Oh and if you don't wanna have him visit at your house then I reckon that's your choice and it's up for him to have somewhere safe to take his children if he wants access.
I think you need to draw up a proper schedule and be clear on who is doing what transport-wise and if he doesn't stick to it then it's his loss.

 

[Scout]

I'd take him to mediation and have something official written up. Here (I'm in the US) I think it's typical that the mom drops off and the father brings them back. If he doesn't have the means to get them back to you, then I'd not take them to him. And all the canceling is going to do harm when they are older. (I spoke with a child/family counselor when I was pregnant with dd bc I wasn't sure what fob would want/do. She told me that no contact was better than broken promises, emotionally speaking, for the child.) Good luck.

 

[Meezerowner]

She told me that no contact was better than broken promises, emotionally speaking, for the child.).

I'm so glad to hear that someone thinks this as it's totally the way I feel.

But a lot of people try and get FOB involved even when their heart just isn't in it or they are more interested in partying or worse. I can only imagine it is worse for these children that have an occasional parent who doesn't prioritise them and constantly lets them down. Heartbreaking.

 

[baileybubs]

This is the way I'm feeling at the moment about it, that no contact would be better than all this letting them down and broken promises.
He just seems to think its ok to pick and choose when he can be bothered which is not fair on them (or me!)

Meez I have tried being fair with him, I've said I'll alternate weeks, one week I'll take them too him (and even pick him up en route) take them to his parents house as that's a safe environment for them and pick them up later, and then the alternate week he is to come on the train to my house and have them there for 4-5 hours whilst I go out. But whenever it was his week to come to me he turned up late or cancelled, then my car broke and it was as if he just couldn't be bothered.
He messaged me last night asking if he could have them Thursday and if I could pick them up from his parents if he took them there, but it's too late to ask me that now coz I have plans on Thursday teatime, I don't have time to be picking them up. He doesn't seem to understand that I can't just wait around for him to decide if he is or isn't going to have them without planning my life, and now he thinks im being awkward coz I said no but I'm not changing my plans for him. For the last 3 Wednesday's I've not made plans with the kids just plans for me (dentist etc) and he's not shown up. Now this week he's decided he wants to see them a completely different day and just expects that I can just swap all my plans around.

I don't know what else to do coz he thinks im being unreasonable yet won't for one second consider things from my point of view or even acknowledge that he can't be so inconsistent and keep letting us down.

 

[tallybee]

Gosh you've been so much more than reasonable hun. He's ridiculous. If he wants to see the kids he needs to make the effort. You're doing everything for them the entire rest of the time!

Mediation might be the way to go for now. I would also keep a log of everything. This helped me loads when fob tried to make up lies and make legal threats.

No contact IS better than constant let downs inconsistencies and messing about.

All the best hun. You've obviously got your children's wellbeing top priority so just keep doing what you're doing x

 

[nicki01]

Hiya, was hoping you were ok, haven't seen you about here for a while.
I think your being more than fair, if it were me I would say, you can see them on day 'x' or 'x' at these times and you collect them and drop them home. I think you need to make the decisions and put them straight to him. Give him a few different times and days but make him pick one and that stays the same every week, no changing or messing about if he is more than half an hour late then don't bother coming as you will do something with them instead of them waiting around for him. Obviously if it was an occasional late train or something and he lets you know then fair enough but it sounds like he is being a prize idiot and taking the piss!

 

[baileybubs]

Thanks ladies glad it's not just me that thinks he needs to do more. He makes me feel so bad like I am the one stopping him seeing them.
He came this week and for once was on time but then was texting me at 2 mins to 3pm asking where my mum was (I was out so my mum was taking over). My mum then said he was stood on my driveway waiting for my mum to get home when she got back at 3.05 and he just left before she even got her coat off and mumbled something about how they'd both had some toast.
Honestly I don't want him in my house with his attitude and behaviour. Before he came (baring in mind he swapped days and I had plans on the day he wanted them) he had a go at me coz I reminded him I couldn't drop him back off at the train station at 3pm (his train wasn't til 3.25 and I live 5 mins from the station). His words to me were "you didn't tell me you couldn't run me back" (like it's expected I will!!) and when I said I told you I had plans he said "well I suppose I'll have to walk then" but then he booked a taxi!
And the only reason he was leaving at that time was coz that's when my mum was coming home, he didn't have anywhere he needed to be so if he'd missed that train it wouldn't matter if he'd just got the next one.

He's just such a rude, selfish little child and I don't know what to do. Apparently his parents also think im being unfair making him come to my town every week but that's only coz he couldn't play fair and kept being late and cancelling.
I honestly speak to him now and wonder where the hell the loving father of my children went coz i don't know the man he is now.

 

[tallybee]

Of course his parents will be agreeing with him, odds are that he's been feeding them whiny crap about how unfair it all is. You don't need to worry about that though, you're being more than reasonable and it'll all come out inthe wash. People won't want to listen to his whining forever xx

 

[baileybubs]

I just dont get how they think I am being unfair, its only a short train journey that costs £10.80 return, all their stuff is at my house coz he hasnt bought them anything recently, my son still naps twice a day so surely its easier him being somewhere where there is a cot for him, I have all the food they like and can eat at my house as well as their double pram that wont fit in the boot of my car so he cant take to his!! He doesnt even have any nappies for them at his parents so I have to pack up a shit load of stuff, drive 40 mins down the motorway, drop them off, drive back home only to go and pick them up again 3 hours later. All costing me about £15-£20 in petrol that he never gives me any money for!!! Plus the fact that he keeps trying to pick and choose day and time and keeps cancelling when he's "eaten something dodgy".
I know he's their son so they are on his side but surely they can see that logically it makes more sense to have them at my house seen as he cant drive to pick them up and refuses to have them for more than 4 hours at a time coz he's so "busy"!!

This week I am guessing he's not seeing them at all seen as I havent heard from him since he last saw them and when I messaged asking about any money he has completely ignored me again. This is the fifth week now with no money and now they are starting nursery and I am paying for that all until tax credits comes through, as well as providing the roof over their heads, food, clothes and nappies as well as everything else they want and need, working as many hours as i can manage to fit in around child care and my parents babysitting, and he cant even give me £50 a week for them or spare the time to even ask me how they are!!!!

Sorry but I am so pissed off today and its really starting to annoy me that some men can just get away with this and yet somehow I am being made out to be the bad guy in all of this.

 

[taylor197878]

to be honest u have been very fair and he is acting like a selfish child, have u tried a lawyers for his access u can give dates times and where and if he breaks it least u have went the legal route. a went through the lawyers with my ex.... it will take some off the stress off you plus u will get loads of legal advice to help u ,,,

 

[baileybubs]

I'm thinking of doing that Taylor coz it's getting ridiculous now. He messaged me back last night after I asked about a tenner he owes me (which he said he'd pay back last week, and yep more fool me for lending him it) and he said "I said you'll get it Friday". Which he didn't, that's when he said he'd give me maintainence money. But that's all I got from him, he didn't ask about the kids or say he was having them this week at all. I was tempted to message asking but I give up, I'm not messaging him any more coz he's only rude to me in his reply and usually he's telling me a load of bullshit anyway.

If I go to a solicitor will I be able to state that I want him to have them on set days and times then? Coz that's my problem he keeps messing me about.

 

[tallybee]

Yes if you go through solicitor they will most probably try to set up a visitation agreement which would have set days and times and importantly a place for contact to happen. These times etc would be by mutual agreement, and put in writing - "set in stone" if you like. There would be room for manoevre once established but it would be set.

This is the way I had to do it several years ago seeing as fob was messing about and letting my daughter down. he was unable to keep to the agreement (monthly!) and it broke down after only a few months, but at least I was able to show I had tried. I kept a journal of everything as well - he later tried to say WE had stopped turning up but his lies don't get him anywhere. He hasn't seen her for years now, as he's never been able to communicate without vileness and can't even turn up when he says.

Sorry you're going through this, it's shit, I can totally empathise as I've been there.

 

[CandyDay]

Talk to a solicitor and see what they say about scheduling visits etc and once you have the answers then decide if that is what you want to do or not. Just because you go and ask a solicitor questions doesn't mean you have to carry thru with them. But at least then you would have the answers you need to decide what is best for your children.

 

[taylor197878]

yeah he can always still not turn up but least u have the lawyers help and u have tried everything to make it possible to c his kids its him thats letting them down and thats not fair on the kids..

they will ask what days he is to get and the times, a did that and a stopped all contact with my ex and changed my number he had the dates and times to c his kids he didnt need to talk to me i did that for a good year a did make the mistake of giving him my number and he abused it by nasty texes so a changed it again.

cut all ties with him no lending him money no talking to him and go through a lawyer and set the days and times and keep a diary of when he doesnt turn up and give that to ur lawyer and he can then give u more advice on how to deal with it, it does relive alot of stress.4

if ever want to ask me anything feel free to pm as i have been through it all with my ex...