Am I in the wrong (FOB keeps cancelling seeing them)

[tallybee]

Aye as Taylor says the solicitor route is good as all contact can go through them as well. Rather than having the waters muddied by trying to sort things and it ending up with miscommunication / disagreement etc.

 

[baileybubs]

I think that's what I'm going to do, he cancelled on them again last week, and only gave me £100 over the last 7 weeks and just keeps saying that he doesn't have any more money. I'm not one of those mothers that demands money but he's taking the mickey out of me coz he apparently proposed to his girlfriend recently and surely that means he must have bought her a ring? Even if he didn't he seems to think that it's ok to just say he has no money and that's it, like I can just get away with not financially supporting my kids like that, I don't think so!!! He even said to me "I don't have a superpower you know I cant shit money" yet somehow he seems to think that I can because he has happily been leaving me to pay for everything for our children.

So after 2 weeks of the kids being sick and him just saying "aw bless hope they get better" whenever I told him, and more promises of money he hasn't given me then cancelling seeing them last week he now messages asking what time he's having them tomorrow. I've told him he can pick them up at 9am and he's now kicking off coz I won't let him have them at my house or drop them off coz apparently he only has £15 which isn't enough for him to get the train here and back and then again later to bring them back.

Even though I know he's acting like an irresponsible child I somehow still feel like the bad guy!

 

[daneuse27]

Don't feel like the bad guy. He is the one letting down his kids, and putting other priorities before them. I can't believe he'd be proposing to this girl after only knowing her for a few months. Secondly, I can't believe she'd accept - I could never feel attracted to a man who lets his kids down like that. For all we know though, he could be making you out to look like the bad guy. It sounds like he is good at turning things around to make them look like your fault and that is why you are questioning yourself - which you shouldn't.

If he's so so broke, he should get an additional part time job. There are endless ways to earn a sign income. Since the kids aren't with him 24/7 (or hardly ever) he has the flexibility in his life to do that.

I would tell him that his money problems are not your problem and that you don't want to hear it anymore. You expect him to figure out how he is going to provide for kids children and be apart of their life, and thats your only concern.

I would go the court order route, for sure. He sounds very irresponsible and I just wouldn't trust him, based on everything you've written.

 

[baileybubs]

Thanks hun, well he ended up arguing with me on Wednesday, called me f***ing childish because I wasn't replying to him, then said to me "im having the kids at your house and that's final" to which I just told him he was crazy if he thought speaking to me like ghag was going to get me to allow him in my house!! Eventually he started being polite and saying please but I just stuck to it and said he could pick them up but wasn't allowed in my house and I wasn't dropping them off for him. Several times he asked again if he could have them at my house (and if I would pick him up at the train station!!!) but I said no.

He has now said that he will arrange a lift for next week, but I've told him I don't want his girlfriend picking them up, purely because she's only 18 and has only been driving 6 months, when my kids cry when im driving on the motorway I know how distracting that can be so I really don't feel comfortable if she's the driver, does that seem fair? I have no problem with her spending time with the kids I just remember how scary motorway driving is in the first year after passing.
I've also told him he will need to buy car seats for them coz if they have a bump or get damaged and I have let him borrow mine I know he won't replace them and I need them on a daily basis. Does that seem fair too?

He has said fine to all of it (well actually he text me "k" because he's a child and can't atring a sentence together). And also says he's paying me what he owes me today but I highly doubt that will happen.

 

[Snow Owl]

Does he work hun? I hate to say it but have you thought about CSA? They would at least get the cash off him.

If you gr through court they will set up regular access and he will get in trouble if he misses them. Also it's not your job to supply nappies etc when he's with them!!

 

[baileybubs]

Yeah he works, that's usually his excuse for cancelling seeing the kids, says he has to work. I'm phoning them on Monday because he once again didn't gove me any money. He claims he hasn't been paid from his old job so just said "what do you want me to do, I can't magic up money" yet he expects me to magic up all the money needed to care for our children it's a joke.
He doesn't even seem to think he is doing anything wrong, he just says it's his old jobs fault and that's it, like it isn't his responsibility to provide for his children. If he's not getting paid from work (which is BS if you ask me) then he should ask someone to help him out and at least offer me some money, im sure his parents would help.

And as for cancelling seeing them, he just says "well I have to work what am I supposed to do?" But here I am having to call in sick from work because my dd's nursery says she's showing signs of conjunctivitis so has to leave (turns out she didn't have it either!). He doesn't seem to understand how being a parent means you have to tell your boss that your kids are more important and if it's your day to have them you can't just cancel.

 

[baileybubs]

Sorry for yet another post about him but I need advice again. He's messaged me asking what time is he picking the kids up tomorrow so ive asked how he's got enough money seen as he hadn't been paid (his excuse for not giving me any money was that he hadn't been paid). He said he got paid a little and had to pay his rent so just has enough to pick them up and drop them off. So I asked if he had bought nappies and formula, because why should I provide it when he can't even give me a penny to support his kids. He said he'll buy some tomorrow, so he has more money than he said.
He then said his friend might be picking them up with him, so I asked if he had bought car seats and he said no im using yours and your pram.
I told him no coz I just paid £120 for new car seats so why should I lend them to him.

Am I right? I feel like I'm being a cow! But I know he's just lying to me, and I also know he could borrow money off his parents if he said it was to help support his kids, just until he did get paid but he won't coz that excuse is crap and he won't ever be able to pay them back.

I feel like I'm being one of those mums that stops the dad seeing his kids, but im not stopping him, im just making him step up and not helping him out any more, or that's what I think anyway, am I right?? Don't be afraid to tell me if I'm in the wrong

 

[CandyDay]

If he wants to be able to see them then he needs to provide for them. He should have the stuff he needs to pick them and take care of them for however long he has them. IE car seats, diapers, formula, food, toys etc. He shouldn't expect you to give him everything he needs to take care of them if he is unwilling to regularly give you support each month for them.
If he was regularly sending support payments you would be able to trust him more and would probably be more likely to let him use the car seats. As you would know he would return them in good condition. As things stands you have no reason to believe he would give them back as he keeps telling you one thing and then doing another when you ask him about money.

 

[baileybubs]

Thanks hun, that's what I'm thinking, if he genuinely has had very little money recently (which is BS) he could have just offered me a little, just something and sending proper apologies to me or not keep promising money and not giving me any. If he was sincere or in any way grown up then I might be more willing to lend him the car seats or drive them to him but he just ignores me and then says he hasn't been paid so it's tough. I bet he still buys his cigarettes though.

I tried to compromise a little by saying he could come and visit them for an hour or two and maybe take them out for a walk or something but he didn't reply til gone 1pm (probably when he woke up coz he was probably hungover). And when he did reply he all of a sudden couldn't come up today and wants to come tomorrow, when ive told him a million times they go to nursery on a Thursday and now he's ignoring me again.

 

[Scout]

I honestly don't know how you do it. You've not got 2 kids, you've got 3! I'd go to mediation or something and get everything in writing and make him stick to it. And no, you don't need to supply him with anything or let him borrow yours. Geesh. Seriously, you are so much nicer than I would be at this point

 

[baileybubs]

Just a quick update, I conceded and offered to allow him to have the kids at my house and on the morning he sent me a message saying he was sick and couldn't make it. The following week I asked him if he had car seats and he said yes but then asked me to drive them to him which of course I said no to, and then the last 2 weeks he hasn't even bothered making an excuse. I have called CSA and he has now allegedly lost his job, and when I questioned him on why he never sees his kids and didn't even bother seeing his daughter for her birthday a month ago he said to me "if you weren't so hell bent on getting petrol money from me you could have driven them up here to see me".

So now I am no longer going to reply to his messages with anything except that the kids are fine and speak to a solicitor because at this point I no longer even trust him to be able to look after them without being supervised as he hasn't even seen them for 3 months. If he wants to make an effort I will arrange supervised visitations at a children's centre up to a point I feel he really wants to be in their lives and canbe trusted with them but if he doesn't make the effort then they just won't see him.

I have also got a new job which is more money but during weekdays so I need to have them in nursery as I can't rely on him to turn up and have them anyway.

For anyone reading this who is having issues with their ex that are similar please contact CSA now. Ignore the promises of money etc, I was promised money for months and he never had any intention of giving me any,so far it's been 4 weeks since I contacted CSA and they still haven't got anywhere so contact them asap. And for anyone who is being messed about and having their kids let down, set out ground rules and stick to them. I let my ex even pick which day he wanted to see the kids and he still didn't show up. I felt (and still sometimes do feel) guilty because my kids don't see their dad and I know if I just drive them to him they'd get to see him, but I realised that he doesn't genuinely want to make effort as their father and they deserve better than that.

 

[Meezerowner]

Good for you I reckon you have taken a good step there.

Defo not appropriate for him to have such sporadic contact.... 3 months is just too long.

Don't feel guilt it is all on him and you can't force him to have regular contact and a decent relationship if he just doesn't want to or is unable because he is selfish.

If it were me I would send him a message saying you are getting a new phone and if he wants to contact a solicitor then he knows your postal address for future arrangements. Maybe a bit drastic though lol.

Anyway good luck with CMS/CSA they took a few months for us. I can't remember now I think it was 5 months before I got any money through. Edit to add it was nearly 6 months just checked!

 

[baileybubs]

Well seen as he wont answer the phone to them and he's apparently lost his job now Im not holding my breath for any money any time soon!

He doesn't even bother contacting me via phone he uses Facebook to message me. I was going to block him so he can't send any messages either lol. Apparently me and his kids aren't worth the credit for his phone to text or call.

 

[daneuse27]

I wouldn't block him from Facebook as he could potentially one day turn that around to make it look like you shut him out (even though we know that's not the case here.) It's just something he can use against you in the future if he ever wanted to. He may eventually decide he wants to be in his kid's life again, after months or even years of not putting effort in and that is HIS choice - you've done everything you can do. However, it sounds like he has a tendency to blame problems on you and you don't want him to have even the slightest evidence against you if you were to ever end up in court.

What you could do instead is remove him as a friend, and that way any messages can be sent to your 'other' folder and you don't have to read them right away.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, keep strong for your 2 adorable children

 

[Meezerowner]

I wouldn't block him from Facebook as he could potentially one day turn that around to make it look like you shut him out (even though we know that's not the case here.) It's just something he can use against you in the future if he ever wanted to. He may eventually decide he wants to be in his kid's life again, after months or even years of not putting effort in and that is HIS choice - you've done everything you can do. However, it sounds like he has a tendency to blame problems on you and you don't want him to have even the slightest evidence against you if you were to ever end up in court.

What you could do instead is remove him as a friend, and that way any messages can be sent to your 'other' folder and you don't have to read them right away.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, keep strong for your 2 adorable children

I do sort of agree that the OP would want to seem helpful re. the FOB having access. But I don't think it's unreasonable to block an Ex on social media. I think a lot of people would want a clean break from an Ex and FB has nothing to do with the children as it's not their account.

I wouldn't have a problem blocking an Ex from FB because it is a useful medium for trouble. Spiteful/ game playing messages are easy to post on FB. But everyone has a different relationship with their Ex or FOB. I am happily friends with one of my Exs but I have FOB blocked and anyone associated with him blocked.

I'm not suggesting that OP should do it necessarily just I don't think a court would hold it against her if she didn't want to be linked to FOB on social media.

In cases where the FOB is "difficult" sometimes it's better to get legal advice and have the point of contact being the solicitor. It might even make him realise that he does want a meaningful and regular relationship with his kids.

 

[baileybubs]

He's managed to go a step further now ladies. We used to have a joint account and he had his smart phone linked to my bank card so that he could buy apps and games etc. For the last few months we were together he was spending getting on for £100 in a month on so called games (personally I think it was a gambling app). Anyway yesterday I had money go off my card that was through the Google App Store and it was him!!! It was only £4 but after phoning my bank there's £10 worth of pending payments to the Google App Store. It's not a great deal of money but now not only is he not paying child support but he's actually stolen some of my money! Anyway I've cancelled my card and they are sending me a new one which means he can't do it again but I'm so glad I noticed as soon as I did.

I asked him about it despite me not wanting to talk to him and he says it was accidental and he'll pay me back on Friday. I queried it as he hasn't got a job so how can he pay me back and he said he'd lent his mate £10 and he was paying it back. It's just crap that,he's either lying or apparently he can afford to lend his mate £10 but not afford to pay child support. I wondering if his work are paying him cash in hand or something so he can avoid paying CSA.

I really worry about my sense of judgement that I was with this guy for 4 years and had 2 children with him! How could I have been so stupid to not see what he was really like? Or perhaps I just ignored it in hope his good side would prevail!

 

[daneuse27]

Don't beat yourself up about it, you're not the first person to pick someone who doesn't turn out to be who you hope for them to be and you won't be the last. I know this is tough now but you are the rock of your family and you're holding it together. Your kids will be proud of you one day. I hope he pays you back the money and begins paying child support regularly. Once there is a legal order in place, hopefully you won't have to do as much policing and arguing as you have to these days.