Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[sunnylove]

Now, I don't feel that passionately about it. But I seem to get annoyed when moms say "Oh yeah, we had a preemie too. She was born at 36 weeks." Am I the only one who gets annoyed by that! I remember when I was in an elevator going up to the NICU and a mom-to-be was heading up to Labor & Delivery and she was freaked out because she was 37 weeks. There was another woman in the elevator who said "Don't worry, I had my baby at 37+3!" and the mom-to-be's mom said "See, honey? She had hers early too." I totally was like...

I feel bad about it, but I feel like preemies who are born past 34 weeks don't "qualify" as preemies... Not as much anyway. Am I wrong? Please help me change my mind on that!

P.S. I've known plenty of babies who were born at a later gestation than my son who had so many more complications than my son did. I am not really referring to babies who have to be taken to NICU - because a baby born at 41 weeks can have major complications. I'm just referring to "preemie" babies.

 

[Heramys]

37 weeks is considered full term medically.

 

[lanaross]

I don't know sunny.. I can certainly see why you think that way, it's kind of an argument we have with my DH when he complains that he's tired after I was up all night with the baby but he slept his 8 hours straight and is tired from work. Of course he is less tired than I am but it doesn't make him NOT tired. So, yes, of course, having an early preemie doesn't even compare to the late preemie but at the same time I too spent time at the hospital worried out of my mind, and then driving there every three hours to feed him, and driving back sobbing because I am leaving him all alone there, and then crying over him because he looked so fragile, and freaking out when they told me not to come at 3 because they need to put a tube in since he's not feeding well and then when he wasn't gaining weight but just losing it. Of course, these complications can't even compare to what you've been through but these are complications nonetheless and it still broke my heart over and over again when he was there. And I am still worried sick that, while we are out of the hospital, we are definitely not out of the woods - physical delays, developmental delays, autism etc. etc. these are very real regardless of the preemie age xx

 

[Srrme]

I have had a 28.6 weeker and a 35 weeker and I consider them both to be premature. My 35 weeker was in the NICU for 3 weeks on oxygen and establishing feeds. He was premature, however, I do not think it's comparable to the 60 day stay my 28.6 weeker had to endure, and all of the other things that came with it at the time, but again, he was still a premature baby and needed extra care that "full term" babies don't need.

 

[kit10grl]

This is a hard one for me. DD wasn't technically a premie. BUT I have three friends in the past year who had 'proper' premies who spent much less time in hospital than we did. As far as I am concerned DD was early, as I was booked in for an early induction at 39 weeks and she arrived before that even so she was early. Maybe not dangerously early but yes she was early.

She was born a healthy weight for a full term baby. And honestly I would have been seriously hacked off if I thought that any other mother was thinking we didn't qualify to be worried or upset about our baby based on her premie status or how big she looked compared to the other babies there. We spent 11 weeks in hospital initially and after a 3 day discharge were back for several more months. One of my friends with a proper premie spent 1 week in hospital total. Why does gestation mean her baby is more qualified to be considered behind officially.

Honestly it feels like just one more thing for people to be judgemental about in a world where everyone picks at everyone else's parenting. And In all honestly sometimes when people ask about DD's weight or development delays and ask if she was early I say yes because people understand that easier than having to explain my whole story. The amount of time she spent in hospital affected her delay in the same way that it would for a premie so there are a lot of similarities.

 

[sunnylove]

Thanks for the responses, ladies. It's good to hear what late preemie moms have to say, it gives me a new perspective! And I totally understand that it is HARD to have a baby in the NICU, even if he's only in there a day. Because either way you slice it, no one should have to "go visit" their child in the hospital. You can't compare having a 25 weeker and having a 35 weeker, and I think most preemie parents get that... but I don't know, to me it just seems like we're on totally different playing fields. And I felt that way when one of our friends was in the NICU with us with 25 week twins who were having major complications (unfortunately both died, the last one died a couple weeks ago at 4.5 months old, she was still in NICU). I cannot relate to that mom at ALL even though our babies were born around the same gestation. She has it way worse than I did.

 

[MummyMana]

My baby was born at 36 Weeks and we had our own set of challenges, but I know it could be worse! I was in labour at 30 Weeks and 34 Weeks, my waters broke at 35+5 so I was very happy to have made it to 36 Weeks, but the hospital stay was scarey and hard at the time :/

She is massive now and I didn't really regard her as early, but I'm noticing she seems to be behind her peers a bit...

 

[vermeil]

Sunnylove I can understand why you posted that. It`s a sensitive topic, one I felt strongly about during those nicu months but couldn`t really share (well except to the nicu psy heh). To me this is a very personal topic so please read my post as such - relating my own experience.

The day that I gave birth, the woman in the hospital room with me cried intensely for hours. Her daughter had jaundice and had to stay overnight in the hospital under uv lights. That same day my son was flatlining continuously and they had to keep reanimating him. The first time I saw him he was all flat lines with a team of 5 frantically trying to bring him back. It took 3 hours that first day to somewhat stabilize him.

So here I am in my hospital room, waiting for a phonecall from the nicu to know if my son survived, trying my very best to ignore this woman`s constant sobbing and wailing. I had a classic c section and couldn`t get up yet. I freely admit I had murderous thoughts that night. I found her reaction so over the top - I would have given anything to trade places with her. I tried telling myself over and over that night her suffering was as valid as mine but that didn`t work too tell What`s odd is I didn`t even cry that much - I had a surreal calm most of the time until he came home 4 months later. Then all that pent up emotion blew over.

This scenario repeated at every preemie meeting. Parents would cry their hearts out because their little one had a 2-3 day stay. When it would get to be my turn to talk and I would just list my son`s current condition (25% survival odds, brain bleed, acute septisemia, nec etc) the room always got quiet. It always sounded so dramatic no matter how casual I tried to make it sound. People became uncomfortable and literally didn`t want to talk after. I quickly learned to just shut up at these meetings and listen to the others while trying not to feel too angry or resentful. At the end of the meeting I'd just go confide directly to the organizer. We became friends heh. I don`t think I was jealous of the other parents, we just had been dealt different hands and I accepted that. It just made me angry how such routine simple hurdles could get them so upset. And don`t get me started on parents of healthy babies complaining on stupid stuff

That was three years ago and I'm finally able to let go of that anger. I know if I had had a 34 weeker I would have been upset too, been worried and probably cried as much etc.

Also my son goes to a great daycare specializing in handicapped children. (He was diagnosed as having cerebral palsy once discharged, hence why we were admitted to it. Though a year later after intense therapy the diagnosis was removed). There are 1-2 moderate-severely handicapped children per group of 8. Every single morning when I see the young girl in his group - she can barely walk and isn`t really aware of her surroundings, just mumbles and wanders around staring off - I cound my blessings on how lucky we ended up being. And like you sunnylove I knew two parents of preemie twins in the nicu. One went home with one baby, the other with none. I cannot even remember that without tears welling up. Even though my son was a 'tough case' and had all of the scary complications, we are very, very lucky that so far he`s a thriving, healthy 3 year old

I'm 33 weeks along now with number two and find myself worrying about all of the silly stuff that drove me bonkers in other moms the first time round So I guess I'm finally healing and letting go!

 

[jandksmommy]

My first pregnancy was twins who were born at 33+4. They were small but healthy and at the time, their 3 week NICU stay seemed terribly hard and terrifying. I worried constantly and cried so much whenever I had to leave them. Every time the alarm would ring because stats were dropping, I would panic. It was the hardest thing I had ever went through... until my second pregnancy ended with my daughter being born at 23 1/2 weeks.

I completely understand your feelings on this. What I went through with the twins does not even compare to what it was like to have a 23weeker struggling to survive. That being said... that doesn't make my fear with the twins any less valid. Had my micro-preemie been born first, I would have had a different perspective with my twins but I would still have worried myself to distraction.

I do have to bite my tongue though when I hear someone say that their baby was preemie at 37 weeks or a pregnant woman worrying about 'early labor' when she is already passed 36 weeks. I tend to remind them that 37 weeks is full term and the last 3 weeks is just to put on a few pounds.

 

[sunnylove]

Thanks for the perspective, ladies. I think one reason I feel this way is because I would have given ANYTHING to have my son at 34 weeks. That would have been fantastic to me (and I'm sure other early preemie moms would agree!). It doesn't take away the fact that it is very hard for the parents of a 34-weeker, however. I know that. But it's a gestation I would have given my left arm to carry my son to.

 

[wantabean2]

I had my first son at 38weeks via an emergency c section. I only went in to be checked out and 20mins later I was knocked out. 4 hours after he was born I got told that there was only the smallest chance he would make it through the night. Everything went wrong. He was christened and everyone wanted to talk about funeral arrangements. Miraculously he pulled through and is 3 today. the hardest thing for me was that because I never had a premature baby that I couldn't talk about it. There wasn't a group for me as I never had a preemie. Luckily I was welcomed in a bliss support group. I found it very difficult listening to women sharing there stories about there preemies who didn't have anywhere near as rough a time as my son did. I was very angry that my full term son had came so so close to dying. He was born at 38weeks. I never ever doubted that these women had had their own battles though. 14 months later my second son was born at 34 weeks. If my 38weeker struggled so much then how was my 34weeker going to cope. He sailed through the unit. Came home after 14days. I learned that gestation does not matter that its all down to the baby and their individual challenges. Every parent that goes through the nnicu will take on a different journey. No two will be the same but everyone will need support regardless of the gestation of their baby. Its a hard enough thing to do without being made to feel that you don't fit in as your baby wasn't born early enough. My preemie is a thriving toddler who is meeting everything head on. My full term son has had numerous hospital admissions, is absolutely tiny, has been developmentally delayed and just this week I had his consultant confirm that he is on the autism spectrum. Hope this helps a bit xxx

 

[sbl]

I agree with wantabean a baby born at 37 weeks could have more problems than at 32 weeker.
Having said that my lo was born at 35 weeks she had no issues except slow feeder and therefore I dont really have the experience of SCBU/NICU as people with very early babies.
I don't really every mention that my lo was preemie to people because simply she doesn't look it never has done really.
Although I did find lo's 2 weeks in SCBU really hard. I cried allot.
My thought on it is
EVERYONE'S EXPERIENCES ARE RELATIVE.
For example I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum with lo. I hated hearing women complaining about being sick a few times a day when I was in and out of hospital all the time and puking morning noon and night.
I soon learned that for them their experience of morning sickness was awful and they were just as entitled as me to moan and complain because it was their life and their experience.
I think the same can be applied to this.

xx

 

[deafgal]

I have always told people that my daughter was a premie size but not a premie... She had low sugar level and low body temp.she was born a week before her due date so she was considered full term and she didn't need NICU or anything. But she was 5 lbs 3oz. And lost weight to 4 lbs something oz. couple days later.she wasn't allow to leave the hospital if she did not pass the car seat test because of her weight (she passed).

 

[akblaze]

Preemie=premature and anything before 37 weeks is premature.
DD was born at 35 weeks after I went into PTL at 32 weeks.
She was 5.14 (very good size for being 35 weeks) but spent 15 days in the NICU. She couldn't maintain her body temperature and couldn't eat on her own so was tube fed for 13 days. I do see her as a preemie but not a SUPER early preemie, considering there was a baby in there that was just over 1lb. I feel extremely fortunate that I was able to keep her baking a bit longer, long enough for the steroid injections to work and help mature her lungs so she had zero breathing problems. However, now I am a huge supporter for March of dimes and raised money last year for the walk in our city. I definitely don't sit there and act like we had the worst preemie situation because I know we didn't, I know we were VERY lucky to spend just 15 days in the NICU but for me it was EXTREMELY difficult emotionally. I can see where you are coming from, anyone really, if you've had a baby born before 30 weeks.. No one can understand having a baby that early and that little without experiencing it. However, I wouldn't say just because a baby is over 34 weeks doesn't mean he/she isn't a preemie. 37 weeks is not preemie, that is full term. 36 weeks is starting to be borderline (I'll be thrilled to make it to 36 weeks this time, however, it's starting to not look that way). 35 weeks, even, some baby's go straight home, some don't. But I still saw my daughter when she was born as a preemie. I didn't even hear the poor thing cry until she was a week old. This is just my personal experience and opinion though.

 

[Sorrell30]

My little boy was born at 34 weeks and weighed 3lbs 14oz. He didn't need a lot of help with breathing etc but had a lot of troubles feeding but still had a 3 week stay on Nicu/Scbu. It was so hard. But yes there was a 1lb'r on the unit that was having lots of troubles. Also , now, a very dear friend of mine , one of her twins needed resuscitating one day. And she was a mess. She told me this after I moaned about jack not feeding very well today and me having problems with u. Talk about me feelin like a selfish dick!! But, just because jacks problems weren't as BAD, doesn't mean that it wasn't hard for everyone who loves him. As some previous posters have put, every single baby is different and their needs of care are certainly different.
Because when jack was in Scbu a 10lb baby come down that was intubated. He ended up staying a lot longer time in Scbu than jack.
I know as a preemie mummy we get frustrated with mummies of full term babies moaning about small things that at that time may seem irrelevant to us, but every mummies journey is different. And every mummy will have something different to moan about, whether t be lack of sleep, or that their baby is in Scbu fighting for their life. I think we need to just sometimes accept that being a mummy is very hard work, no matter what route their journey takes them on. Xxxx