Am I wrong to be angry at my pregnant friend?

[xCookieDoughx]

I lost my baby boy at 19+5 on the 1st November. His heart just stopped beating. I had to be induced and give birth to him sleeping. So obviously everything is still quite raw.

My friend is pregnant also and was 6 weeks behind me, so she’s roughly 17 weeks now.

She’s been telling me how anxious she is that the same thing is gonna happen to her and how she’s crying at scans and asking for any symptoms I had for her to look out for etc.

I’m just so angry because it’s me this has happened too, not her!

I understand your first pregnancy is a hard time because everything is unknown etc, but I’ve just had to plan my sons funeral and sort out everything and instead of sitting feeling him move around inside and enjoying decorating his room, I am looking at his memory shelf and his ashes and putting away all the baby clothes into the garage.

Am I right to feel angry? I’m just angry at the whole world right now and this just didn’t help.

 

[karoolia]

I think you are allowed to feel whatever you need to feel. When we grieve, I think the worst thing we can do is try to restrict how we feel or beat ourselves up over those feelings. Anger is a perfectly normal and valid way to feel right now.

That said, I would caution you not to actively be angry with your friend. I suspect your anger is, as you said, with the world, with the situation, with the unpredictability of life. What she is saying is upsetting you more, but I highly doubt she is the route cause. That is not to say, of course that you need to engage with her fears and questions. I just wouldn't tell her off either.

Your friend is also pregnant and emotional. She saw what happened to you and is scared. Should she know better than to ask you questions that are triggering? Probably. But her world right now, for better or worse, is likely revolving around her own pregnancy and little else is likely popping into her worried mind.

I would try to politely explain to her that it is just too difficult for you to discuss right now. You understand her fears and concerns, but at the moment you need to focus on your own grief and healing. Explain that you simply cannot take on her fear as well. I'm sure she will understand and likely realize that she was pushing you a little too hard. If she doesn't then I would distance myself until I felt ready to talk/be around her again.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I have known grief in several different ways, but have never been in your shoes. I can't imagine how hard it is. Feel what you need to feel and do what you need to do.

 

[abitnervous]

I’m so sorry. That’s so sad, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Did you spend any time with your son? Give him a name?

I actually think your friend is being extremely insensitive. Yes, of course we worry about our babies, but the worst actually happened to you and not to her. I think that the time you guys spend together would be better spent talking about your experience ( if you want to, of course ) or talking about something completely different. For her to be discussing her fears with you, when it actually happened to you, is not fair. And selfish. I’d certainly be angry.

I know that as friends we are really supposed to be there for each other, but I really feel that at the moment your need is greater than hers, and your feelings should come first.

It’s so hard being around pregnant people after a loss. I wish you all the best.

Xxx

 

[xCookieDoughx]

I’m so sorry. That’s so sad, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Did you spend any time with your son? Give him a name?

I actually think your friend is being extremely insensitive. Yes, of course we worry about our babies, but the worst actually happened to you and not to her. I think that the time you guys spend together would be better spent talking about your experience ( if you want to, of course ) or talking about something completely different. For her to be discussing her fears with you, when it actually happened to you, is not fair. And selfish. I’d certainly be angry.

I know that as friends we are really supposed to be there for each other, but I really feel that at the moment your need is greater than hers, and your feelings should come first.

It’s so hard being around pregnant people after a loss. I wish you all the best.

Xxx

Yes we got to spend about 6 hours with him and it was nice to be able to hold him and kiss him and have that short time just taking in every tiny feature. His name is Albie Ron, he weighed 7.5oz and was absolutely perfect.

I’ve not spoken to her since as I just can’t deal with her constant questions and pushing her fears onto me. I do understand it’s very scary being pregnant but after having two perfectly healthy children, to give birth to one who was sleeping was such a shock to me and absolutely the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. And I can’t xope with her being there perfectly healthy with a perfectly healthy pregnancy and crying over how it could go wrong!

I’m the one this happened to. I’m the one who had to organise my sons funeral instead of his nursery. I’m the one who has an empty womb and empty arms.

Thank you for understanding. I feel like I sound really horrible, but I can’t deal with people at the moment xx

 

[karoolia]

so abitnervous said that much better than I did. I hope I didn't make you feel bad. I feel like I didn't articulate that very well and am so very sorry.

I also think your friend is being inappropriate and I fully support you staying away from her. I only worried that maybe she just wasn't thinking and expressed a fear when she shouldn't have without realizing the pain it is causing. If she is close enough to you to know what you are going through then she should realize that you need support. If she isn't getting that message then you certainly do not need to engage with her.

Again, I'm so sorry if I added to your pain. You don't sound horrible at all. Your feelings are all completely natural and valid.

 

[xCookieDoughx]

so abitnervous said that much better than I did. I hope I didn't make you feel bad. I feel like I didn't articulate that very well and am so very sorry.

I also think your friend is being inappropriate and I fully support you staying away from her. I only worried that maybe she just wasn't thinking and expressed a fear when she shouldn't have without realizing the pain it is causing. If she is close enough to you to know what you are going through then she should realize that you need support. If she isn't getting that message then you certainly do not need to engage with her.

Again, I'm so sorry if I added to your pain. You don't sound horrible at all. Your feelings are all completely natural and valid.

I do understand what you meant, and I agree she probably wasn’t really thinking, but I just can’t deal with it all. She wants to meet up soon but I just can’t cope with her. She’s naturally anxious and I feel I might end up snapping and losing our friendship, so it’s probably best if we keep our distance for now until I’m in a better frame of mind x

 

[karoolia]

I would just be up front and tell her that. If she is a decent person she will understand. If she can't understand, then I wouldn't try to hard to keep her in my life.