MissingRyder
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- Joined
- Oct 23, 2011
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My horrible nightmare started last weekend, exactly one week from today. I'm a nurse and used to work on a postpartum floor. I have experience with using dopplers and checking for FHT on pregnant women of all gestations. Friday night my husband and I tried finding the baby's FHT and couldn't find it. He expressed some concern and the nurse I am tried to ease his worries and said it was hiding we would try again. Saturday we tried twice and Sunday once. I'll admit I became worried Saturday a.m. after not finding the heartbeat. I was 17 weeks and new the protocol. At 17 weeks pregnant women are seen in the ER and I preferred to see my doctor. On Monday a.m. I contacted my OB's office and informed them of my worries and they seen me immediately. He instantly did a sono and when I saw the baby on the monitor I knew instantly and begin to cry. My baby had no movement and no heartbeat 
My heart was broken and I had tears streaming down before he even confirmed the news b/c I could see it for myself. I have 3 healthy girls and just never thought anything like this would happen to me. Boy was I wrong and this news was so devestating. Given the different options I chose to deliver by induction but wanted a couple days before we did it. I chose Thursday the 20th and am so thankful for the days I had continued to carry and protect my sweet baby. Some feel weird about carrying a baby that has passed, but I felt this was my only way to keep him longer with me. I left that appointment feeling hopeless and so very sad. This baby was unexpected and initially I'm ashamed to say I wasn't extrememly thrilled. Through time I begin to become excited and couldn't wait till my sono Nov. 1st to find out what the sex was. That evening we told our 3 girls ages 19, 14 and 10. They too were devestated and upset with the news. My next struggles were decisions and no parents should ever have to make them. We chose to have our baby cremated and contacted a funeral home for those arrangements. I want my baby with me forever and always and can't stand the thought of burying him with the possibility of moving in my lifetime. Next decision was my children do I allow them to see him after he delivers? Are they emotionally able to have closure without seeing him or would they fear him if they did see him? After thinking about all the miscarried babies I had seen while working at the hospital there wasn't one baby I wouldn't have shown my children, so why would I deprive them of seeing their sibling? Decision was made we would wait till the baby delivered and make the choice based on that. Wednesday night I didn't wanna fall asleep b/c I knew Thursday would come sooner. Thursday morning we were admitted at 6 a.m. Cytotec was started at 0730 and I delivered a beautiful little boy Ryder at 6:54 p.m. He weighed 4.6 oz and was 8 inches long. He was perfect in every physical way. Luckily it wasn't a mystery rather an accident that caused his passing. His umbilical cord was twisted, approx. 10-15 times causing a deprevation of oxygen and nutritional supply. We did allow our children to see him and I'm so happy we did. They loved and kissed on him and only experienced difficulty when they were saying bye knowing they would never see his physical being again. I know Ryder doesn't exist in his body and was watching from above to see our reactions and what we thought of his sweet body. We kept him throughout the night, loved the time I was able to spend protecting, adoring and examining his body. Unfortunately like the Wednesday night prior I refused to fall asleep for a lengthly period of time because the morning would come to soon and the funeral home would be there to get him. The funeral director actually came late 0745, and I thanked him for that. Giving him up was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. After my goodbyes and they left with him I never felt so lonely in my life. I still feel empty and lost to some extent. A part of me isn't with me and I'll always long for it...... God Bless my sweet Angel that heaven received, may he fly freely and make his presence known often.......... I love you baby Ryder!
My heart was broken and I had tears streaming down before he even confirmed the news b/c I could see it for myself. I have 3 healthy girls and just never thought anything like this would happen to me. Boy was I wrong and this news was so devestating. Given the different options I chose to deliver by induction but wanted a couple days before we did it. I chose Thursday the 20th and am so thankful for the days I had continued to carry and protect my sweet baby. Some feel weird about carrying a baby that has passed, but I felt this was my only way to keep him longer with me. I left that appointment feeling hopeless and so very sad. This baby was unexpected and initially I'm ashamed to say I wasn't extrememly thrilled. Through time I begin to become excited and couldn't wait till my sono Nov. 1st to find out what the sex was. That evening we told our 3 girls ages 19, 14 and 10. They too were devestated and upset with the news. My next struggles were decisions and no parents should ever have to make them. We chose to have our baby cremated and contacted a funeral home for those arrangements. I want my baby with me forever and always and can't stand the thought of burying him with the possibility of moving in my lifetime. Next decision was my children do I allow them to see him after he delivers? Are they emotionally able to have closure without seeing him or would they fear him if they did see him? After thinking about all the miscarried babies I had seen while working at the hospital there wasn't one baby I wouldn't have shown my children, so why would I deprive them of seeing their sibling? Decision was made we would wait till the baby delivered and make the choice based on that. Wednesday night I didn't wanna fall asleep b/c I knew Thursday would come sooner. Thursday morning we were admitted at 6 a.m. Cytotec was started at 0730 and I delivered a beautiful little boy Ryder at 6:54 p.m. He weighed 4.6 oz and was 8 inches long. He was perfect in every physical way. Luckily it wasn't a mystery rather an accident that caused his passing. His umbilical cord was twisted, approx. 10-15 times causing a deprevation of oxygen and nutritional supply. We did allow our children to see him and I'm so happy we did. They loved and kissed on him and only experienced difficulty when they were saying bye knowing they would never see his physical being again. I know Ryder doesn't exist in his body and was watching from above to see our reactions and what we thought of his sweet body. We kept him throughout the night, loved the time I was able to spend protecting, adoring and examining his body. Unfortunately like the Wednesday night prior I refused to fall asleep for a lengthly period of time because the morning would come to soon and the funeral home would be there to get him. The funeral director actually came late 0745, and I thanked him for that. Giving him up was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. After my goodbyes and they left with him I never felt so lonely in my life. I still feel empty and lost to some extent. A part of me isn't with me and I'll always long for it...... God Bless my sweet Angel that heaven received, may he fly freely and make his presence known often.......... I love you baby Ryder!
