Angry son

[shanny]

I have an almost 10 year old son. He is going through a really angry phase at the moment.

He is being mean to his younger sister and just being disrespectful and arguing a lot when we ask him to do things.

When he gets cross he seems unable o control himself and rages around the house.

He is fine at school. Behaves there like a normal boy. I have asked and explained what is going on at home. They dont see this side to him.

He is not it like here all the time some days he is fine.

Is it hormones?

We have spoken to him about it at length - he says there is nothing wrong and that he just gets angry.

Somedays we deal with it better than others but would love to hear of any one else s experience of this.

TIA

 

[jjconcern]

There may be more pressures at school than what the teachers are seeing and he may be good at hiding it in the class room. Also there may be jealousy or competition with his sister that is not apparent. Are there consequences for his being mean or disrespectful towards family members? He needs to realize that anger is normal but not acceptable to express it towards other people. There are many anger management techniques that can be taught to him as to how to express his anger in a more healthy way. If it continues despite anger management techniques and consequences, I would have his physician check for any medical issues and find a therapist for him in order to give him the message that uncontrolled anger is not acceptable in your family. You don't want an angry, destructive teenager in the future. Better to deal with it now before it becomes a habit and way of life. Hugs

 

[noon_child]

I don't know if you saw recent documentary "No more boys and girls" but it highlighted how boys have difficulty recognising and naming emotions - except anger which seems socially acceptable. Additionally because feeling emotions is almost "not allowed" for boys, when these emotions come up they feel out of control, weak and under attack and the acceptable response for boys is to 'attack back'. Helping him to recognise the true emotion (disappointment, fear, anxiety, jealousy, frustration, sadness) may help, along with allowing him other responses (crying is ok, asking for help is ok, backing down is ok, not being perfect is ok). Model this as much as possible,e.g "I nearly shouted then, but I realised I was actually just afraid x would happen, and shouting wouldn't help. Can I have a hug, it will help me feel less frightened. It's ok to feel frightened sometimes but I'm glad I have you to help me feel better."

I also think it is normal for it to be more obvious at home. They have so many rules and consequences at school they don't get to be in control much. At home he may feel like it is "safe" to let some of it out as you are his safe place (which is good really). Try to find out what exactly seems to trigger the outbursts (is it not getting his choice, is it attention being paid to others, is it feeling inadequate/not able to do something?).

Using the "When you do x, it makes me feel y. I need you to do z. Otherwise v will happen." can work well, But don't make it emotional blackmail - so the consequence shouldn't be "We wont like you anymore" but more things like "When you refuse to help wash the dished it makes me feel angry and like I'm not worth helping and our house being nice doesn't mean anything to you. I need you to help out when I ask you too, otherwise I will be grumpy all the time because of having to do all the cleaning, or our house will become a mess because I can't do it all." This avoids blame, helps with empathy and gives a clear path for changing behaviour in future. It also is something he can use to communicate his feelings to you.