Hi Everyone! I hope it's okay that I post here, but it's important to me that I do so. It's been almost a year since I've posted on here, and more than a year since our darling son was born still. My family and I have gone through so much since then, it's unbelievable when you stop and think about it. I just wanted to give an update to everyone on where I've been since Gavin has passed.
In the days after his death, I was so lost, so devastated, so lonely. My husband worked 3rd shift, so when he was gone, the nights were lonely. My daughter (who was 2 at the time) was the only thing that kept me sane (that and Japanese game shows, amazing the things that carry you in strange times lol). We went on a much needed family trip to Disney World in February, and when we got back, we decided to wait for my first healthy cycle and try again.
That first mothers day without Gavin was tough. I think I was on auto pilot the whole time. I was so determined to get pregnant again, we were trying to find a good place to live...I overwhelmed myself. Then, a few weeks after my birthday in June, we found out we were pregnant. I can't lie. I was 50% thrilled, 50% terrified. I didn't know how I would be able to make it through 39 weeks of paranoia, wondering if the baby had enough fluid, if the baby was healthy, etc. We ended up finding out after Gavin's autopsy that his official cause of death was Potters Sequence, or BLR, and that it is a random genetic disorder. The thought of losing another baby made me sick with worry. However, this time I went to a wonderful high risk OB who made sure to be open with me, but supportive. When we got to 18 weeks, I went to see her, and had a panic attack in her office, telling her that I wasn't sure how I'd survive waiting until my 20 week scan to find out if the baby had fluid or not. She took my hand, took me to an unused ultrasound machine in her office, and pulled up the image of the baby, showing me that not only did the baby have fluid, but she looked great. I cried tears of joy all day, and probably the rest of the week.
At the 20 week scan, we found out that we were having a girl (for sure this time), and that everything looked normal. Still, I worried.
At the 30 week scan, we found out that we were going to have a gigantic baby, who was other wise healthy. Still, I worried.
At the 34 week scan, they told me they scheduled my c-section for Valentines Day, and that my blood sugars were great. Still, I worried.
Until I heard that cry, that beautiful sound in the delivery room, until I had her in my arms, until I got home with her, I worried.
Now, as I write this, my 12 lb 5 oz Kylie Anna-Leora is in my arms, nursing. She is the picture of health. She had everything she needed during pregnancy, and I watched my blood sugars like a hawk. I cry every time I look at her, because she's so wonderful. My husband and I are an emotional mess. We're so happy, but at the same time, I look at her and cry, because I miss our son, and know his passing is the reason she's here, but the reason he's not.
I'm also about to move to a better job and city, and my husband is going back to school. My 3 year old daughter is pure joy, and relishes her role as big sister.
I know this is long, but I wanted to go on here and add a little resolution to this terribly sad time for me and my family. I was so grateful for the love and support I received on this site. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I also wanted to make sure that anyone who read this who is currently going through what we went through last year could see that though things are awful and dark now, they do get better. I miss my son every day, but I'm grateful to have held him, seen his face, and to have been able to have had another baby who fills me with joy. Kylie will never replace her brother, and I would never want her to, but she does remind me that after a loss, the clouds will come, but eventually the sun comes out as well.
Thank you for reading, and I'm thinking of all of you. I hope reading this helps you in some way.
x
Les
