another thread about my ex (long)

[mommy2lilmen]

What the He** am I to do?...you can read and run, or you can reply...but I have to vent. This is sending me into a mental home very soon.

I am so lost. He yells at me if I allow the kids (older 4 of my 6 are his) a choice to not go to their dads (they are ages 14-8 and dont always want to go to their dads) and then I get yelled at if they want to go there. I dont know what to do. If I say fine they can stay home I get, well see your keeping them from me. IF I say ok here take them on your weekends the kids are going, I get this *Oh dont you think I deserve a time off, I work yoru home doing nothing!* IM DOING NOTHING??? WTF. I do not do nothing! I am raising his kids. I ask him to be there in their lives and he says well they are with you, so I dont need to be. But i get yelled at if I dont inform. My 2nd son (our 2nd son) went away on a trip, on a plane ride for 10 days and was away, did he call? NO, did he call to say welcome back? NO! It upset me so bad. I was the only parent who went to pick our son up. I was the only one who dropped our son off. It is not summer break and my ex has yet to see them in 5 weeks. He says he deserves time off. Ummm so do I. If I say it to him like that then he says well im going to call authorities to tell them you rather not have the kids with you. WTF. Should I just let him speak to me this way or what? Every summer he is this way. It upsets me and then its me that pays the price with the abuse. Father Day the kids didnt call or anything and I got in trouble for it. Did he not express his feelings to the kids, nope. Just to me. He wont tell the kids what he expects from them. Says its not his job to. Says I should be the one to teach them cus they live with me. Correct, BUT he is a parent to. I did not just lay on him and make them babies. Altho I feel I did at times. My current DH does more for them then he ever has in 14 years and it upsets me to no means. I just dont know what to do right now since his weekend is coming up. He wants to take the kids camping but he cant even take care of them right now. He lives with a gf and her two kids and he loves them, but why not his own? What did I do to deserve this? What did they do to deserve this? If I push to be in their lives he says no, if i say fine Im a B**** grrrrr I also have a beef with how he handles them. He thinks hitting them on the haad is punishment. He thinks sending them into a room for a day is proper. If I say no, he says Im not firm. If I hit them I am abusing them (which I dont but I asked him what it is if I hit them) He just gets me to upset and I dont know what to do. It is getting in the middle of my life here as a mom and a wife and I dont know how to handle things. My husband right now is so irate and cus of an outburst in 2006, he refuses to get involved as he doesnt want our kids getting taken away cus my ex caused so much trouble and ss will take them if my ex gets in volved physically again. He also doesnt pay the support he should and I cut him a break in hopings he would exchange for fairness. So should I just take himf or everything or just leave it as is. I am so lost. I am sorry. I am just fed up, IDK what to do right as of now.

 

[lauandbump]

Oh hun you poor thing! Huge hugs to you. Your ex sounds like a real pig and to me it doesn't matter what you do it is always going to be wrong with him. I'm not sure what to suggest really, the only idea i had was that perhaps you and he could meet somewhere neutral and discuss your expectations and make a plan of action on how to proceed. Make him agree to stick to his side of things and also involve the children so that everyone knows where they stand and what is expected of them. When i was growing up my mum made it very clear to my dad that if he let me down twice (unless her was poorly etc) then he wouldn't see me again and he never did because he knew she was serious. They also made it clear to me i had to see my dad even in the teenage years although they allowed me to reduce times and worked around my social life a little bit which felt like a compromise at the time. I really hope you get this sorted soon, take care xxx

 

[lauandbump]

PS) It is never acceptable for him to lay a finger on your children hun. They do need rules and discipline but again i'd say this is something you have to both work out and agree on so they have consistency. I got the same from both of my parents and it balanced me as otherwise i would have taken advantage of the weaker one i'm sure! xx

 

[mommy2lilmen]

Hi there
I am so glad you took the time to reply. I did not expect anyone to reply. IT was long, bit dramatized but if I dont just type it down I may take it out on my husband (cus the kids dont deserve to hear my words about their dad) and its not fair to him.
My ex is more of a pig. Its just horrible. You know, I forgot to mention he did call yesturday BUT it was not to talk to the kids. He didnt even remember his son came home from a 10 day trip half way across the continent. Like OMG. GRRRR I am so upset. We did try the whole sit down, agree etc. Many times. He is an only child I think thats his problem. Used to getting his way when ever he wants and he is used to me withering down to his every say, even from when I was with him. I met him and got with him when I was 16 left him at 28 and met my husband at 29. ... so I guess he thinks he can still boss me around and what not. IDK what to do. I agree he shoudl not lay a finger on the kids perhaps thats why he isnt seeing them cus he knows thats what he will do and to prevent me from going whacko on him he just declines his visits. Ugh IDK. I am a mom and I woudl never do that. My husband is their dad, thats all I have to say. It just sucks. I hate this hate this.

 

[mommy2lilmen]

I wish I coudl take my boys DNA and put my husbands DNA and change their last name and be done with their dad. But whats done is done. I guess I have to figure out how to shut him out but I cant seem to get what is best for the kids out of my head. (the abuse is not best, its their dad being in their lives thats best)

 

[lauandbump]

Its so hard to stay focused on them having a relationship with their dad when all you want to do is bash him! I admire you for thinking that way and keeping their interests at heart, a lot of people would have cut the contact long ago. I wish i had some real advice to give you, its so hard as he sounds so awful! Is there anyone neutral of even perhaps a legal person you could talk to and try to really make things official? He sounds so selfish, can't believe he didnt ask how your son's trip was. Some people really don't deserve the title father eh?! xxx

 

[mommy2lilmen]

Its so hard to stay focused on them having a relationship with their dad when all you want to do is bash him! I admire you for thinking that way and keeping their interests at heart, a lot of people would have cut the contact long ago. I wish i had some real advice to give you, its so hard as he sounds so awful! Is there anyone neutral of even perhaps a legal person you could talk to and try to really make things official? He sounds so selfish, can't believe he didnt ask how your son's trip was. Some people really don't deserve the title father eh?! xxx

The thing is, it is legal. We went to court, which is ironic in 2006, July 2006. I fought for them and I was granted soul custody of them all. He was only allowed to see them when ever agreed, and he was to pay his amount (which he dont)..I tried to cut him some slack and say ok, dont pay me this amount, pay me way less, and I also said ok, well I will do this and do that, as long as you...and does he, no. Thats why I am looking back and wondering if he thinks he still with me and just thinks its ok to be this way. I am afraid to get Justin to call his dad and say, well dad im home now. Cus i know he will say, well tell me next time I see you. I know the phone isnt personal, but still, Im not going to drive them out to him just for that. Very much like Fathers Day I said same, I will not drive them out to you. He didnt make an effort to do something nice for me for Mothers Day with them, so i did not do nothing (first year ever) for him this year. We have 4 boys together, you figure since we were told after my 2nd miscarriage that we would never conceive, then I had my first son and then we have a 2nd trimester misscarriage and was told my uterus was damaged to much from the D & E to even conceive again, we went on to have 3 more..you figure he be grateful for that. Not grateful to me, but for the mere fact hes got FOUR boys to carry on his name, hes got FOUR boys, BOYS to be role models to. BUT NO. He is a rolemodel to her boys, gosh I feel sorry for them. Cus when I lived with him and hearing my boys experiences even till now, he hasnt changed. If I go through legal services about this, will it change or make things worse. Our oldest went to live with him and he came quickly back..he doesnt take the time to even call, you figure a teenage boy woudl not want to be around mom. but he does. he is with his stepdad alot. Ugh...I just dont know what to do.
Thank you for replying...its nice to get this off my chest. I feel bad to vent to my DH about this cus all he wants to do is punch his face in.
I told my ex that when he is his own dads age, he will be in same spot than he is right now iwth his dad and to enjoy his beers and his work cus thats all hes gonna have. I know Im a biT** but 12 years living with him and 5 years after still fighting for the same thing..I think I earned the right to be a B**** to him.

My DH told me to send the kids to him this weekend, that I have to grow my balls and tlel him like it is and leave them there. I am being to nice.

I agree, he didnt even call his own son and you know, Justin isnt worried about it. I am being honest, I gave him the phone and said call dad, he said not right now. so what do i do, lol but ya, some guys just dont deserve that right. its so sad that some kids are being born into this and still their parents together. or what ever. It was the same when I was with him anyways, was he home nope, bars, golfing, 4x4ing and more. Sure its all fun to have a social life, but the kids are kids for a short time.
ANyways lol

 

[lauandbump]

You sound so stressed over this hun, feel free to vent away! I'm just sorry again i haven't got anything helpful to add. It does seem like he is playing a game with you and that he still feels he has some control over you. Its a shame you have to deal with him at all but i guess it wouldn't be fair to ask your OH to take over as then the burden is on him. Your ex should be very grateful to have his boys, children are a blessing and if he doesn't work on a relationship with them now then he will never get it back again once they get older. You sound like a wonderful mother who loves her children more than anything and i hope you get some comfort from knowing that the boys have you and your OH to love them, even if their own father is useless. xxxx

 

[mommy2lilmen]

You sound so stressed over this hun, feel free to vent away! I'm just sorry again i haven't got anything helpful to add. It does seem like he is playing a game with you and that he still feels he has some control over you. Its a shame you have to deal with him at all but i guess it wouldn't be fair to ask your OH to take over as then the burden is on him. Your ex should be very grateful to have his boys, children are a blessing and if he doesn't work on a relationship with them now then he will never get it back again once they get older. You sound like a wonderful mother who loves her children more than anything and i hope you get some comfort from knowing that the boys have you and your OH to love them, even if their own father is useless. xxxx

THANK YOU
Ugh, he stresses me out.
My DH and I had a talk last night and I told him after 12 years with this man and the last 5 years after that, I still feel like I am with him and its upsetting me. He told me hes lucky he dont deck him soon. Ugh. I have to learn to just ignore him, right? The past week has been better, ignoring wise that it.
Again
Thanks