Antenatal Depression...farrr beyond "just hormones raging" :(

[Angel Momma13]

I feel insane. At 31 weeks 1 day I have NO connection with my soon to be here daughter....and I dont want one. I lost my first baby t 35 weeks along 5 years, and almost 3 yrs ago got my rainbow baby son. This pregnancy has been trying, to say the least. From subchorionic hemmorage which caused bleeding till 17 weeks along, to then being told her placenta is barely attached to my uterus and will have to be watched (AND NEVER HAS BEEN!!!), to relationship problems with my husband, complete abandonment of support or any help from family or friends who claim theyre "always here for me" but NEVER are... Im really quite over it. I honestly am so depressed I dont even want this baby. I know how hard and stressful my life is already, and I know how much worse and harder its going to become with another child in the mix. My husband is really no help, he think working his regular job and paying the bills is his only duty, and EVERYTHING else is up to me. Every appointment, grocery trip, dogs needing let out, meal being made, every single cleaning household task, diaper change, is all on me... christ our sons nearly 3 and hes never even bathed him once I feel so alone, and like nobody cares (because honestly i have noone who does). I tried finally talking to my husband bout it all yesterday, and hes insistent that its "just ur hormones making you crazy, snap the hell out of it. or u will at lest by the time she gets here". No, no I wont. I DO NOT WANT TO BE PREGNANT. AND I DO NOT WANT THE NEWBORN HERE EITHER. I want to put her up for adoption immediately upon birth. but he will NEVER sign the papers (in my state he has to, as not only the bio father but my husband). I asked him what do we do if she comes and i still feels this way...his reply was i dont know. WELL I DONT EITHER!! THESE ARE THINGS I NEED ANSWERED AND TO FIGURE OUT! I told him i wanted adoption, but he said never in a million years. So I told him if i decided i wanted to but he didnt, id be abandoning him with the newborn nd our toddler and leaving forever. He literally responded with "well id have to kill you then"... it was jokingly to make me laugh, but it did the complete opposite. I told him " you cant even handle our son for an hr alone most of the time much less a nb too. Youd call me and say ok i give if i agree to give her up will you come back home to me and our son?"..because i know thats where it would end up. IF i somehow got him to agree to adoption, the shunning im lready seeming to get from family and friends would only intersify times a million. Id get the "how can u keep one and not the other..especially after holding your dead full term baby on your arms and wanting one so badly?!"... i dont know, i dont know how to explain that... i just dont want her. I cant emotionaly, psychically, or finanically care for her properly...not in the slightest. Things are already beyond tight here, theres no way i can budget anymore to make extra for her. Not to mention, I literally have no feeling or her. If my OB told me today she was dead and Id be birthing another stillborn... Id honestly be elated...and thats a horrible hard, sad, torturous thing to admit out loud. Please ladies, do not judge me...women judge eachother so harstly and especially when it come to others children/child raising. I just need support. I need to know im not alone in these feelings, that SOMEONE out there has felt/feels the same way as me I really dont want to discuss this wih my OB, even tho i know thats the "right" thing to do...but honestly, i know itll get me nowhere besides locked in the nutward of my local hospital for a minimum of 3 days, in which all ym family and friends would hate me even more as they would have to care for my toddler in my absence, making my depression and anxieties that much worse and accomplishing nothing but adding to the shit pile im under even more. Ive never even has 1 night away from my son, because nobody cares to help me. The most i get help wise is 1-3 hrs every other month that my mother takes my son, and even then its only when i praxtically beg because i need to do something like get a tooth pulled out and cant have him there for it. Im so lost, so lonely, and so emotionally gone. I just want this pregnancy over, and this baby as far away as possible. I just feel the horrible things i would do to her, my son, and myself if i have to continue on the way i am at the present time. I dont even know what im trying to gain from this post...maybe just some you are not alones'. Im just so distraught....

 

[DragonflyWing]

I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I know you said you don't want to talk to your OB about this, but I think you really need to. Unless you are an immediate danger to yourself or others, they can't and won't force you into the hospital. You NEED to talk to someone, you can't go on feeling this way.

From what you're saying, it sounds like you have some very severe depression going on, and I know it feels permanent, but it doesn't have to be! Whether it's antidepressants or counseling, there are resources available to support you through this.

Please let me know if you need to talk, I'm always around!

 

[sethsmummy]

awww hun i am so so so sorry you are feeling this way? Are you on any medication? If not that might be the best route to take first before making any proper decisions about giving up baby or running away Pre-natal depression is a seriously horrible thing and you need as much help as you can get

 

[BeautifulD]

Wow

I simply cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now

Throughout this pregnancy I have felt quite detatched from her and just like i havent bonded at all which to me causes a whole host of extra emotions..... guilt mainly.

I've been through hell and back with my husband too which hasn't helped as it's also at times made me regret getting pregnant again.

This is all starting to pass now, thankfully but I don't have antenatal depression.

You dear lady do and you simply must go and get treated! Not only for your husband, son and unborn baby but first and foremost for yourself. You must be living in complete hell right now and medication/ councilling will be the only thing that helps

 

[Angel Momma13]

Thank you ladies...im just at such a loss and have nowhere to turn and nobody to talk to. I feel so depressed and it hurts knowing that i cant even go get help if i want to, as i literally have noone to help me and care for my son whilst i get the help i need Im just expected to deal and manage and i just cant anymore..i honestly just want to die to be able to get out of this all

 

[sethsmummy]

if you have meds hun or councelling you wouldnt need someone else to look after your son I am sure a councellor would understand you need to take you son with you xxx

 

[Angel Momma13]

The thing is, im so mentally gone and disraught and in such a deeply dark place i KNOW they will have no choice but to admit me somewhere to keep me safe from myself if i verbally devudge everything im feeling and going thru, and I cannot do that with a toddler and absolutely nobody to care for him. Plus the mental distress itll cause my toddler.. i dont even have someone to watch him while im in the hospital the 3 days i will be for my c section with this baby Plus hes NEVER been way from me more then 4 hrs, i know birth being away from him for 3 days is going to be distressing enough for him mentally, but to rip him away from me before then to "get me better" is just going to exasterbate everything Dear god i really am a complete mess...and really have no options

 

[sethsmummy]

awww huni, do you really not think your other half would step up if it comes to it? My husband can be completely useless but steps up the the mark if needed.

id never really been away from ds1 when i went in to have ds2 and i was in 3 days too and he coped fantastic (he has special needs) and absolutely doted on his little brother from word go.

In the long run you being away for that little bit longer will be better for him in the long run if it gets you better xx

 

[Laylagirl]

I feel so bad readibg your thread... I know how you feel..
I don't feel that extreme, but I am also depressed...
You sound so overwhelmed and overdone.. And counseling probably will be so good for you. You'd be amazed at how much better you could feel after one session. It won't make you feel 100% but it's a start. And I haven't heard you say you wanted to harm yourself or anyone else, so no one will be locking you up. It's hard asking for help, but sometimes all it takes is one person, and it could make a difference.. I hope you can find some resolve soon or a start. It's an awful way to feel and you should be happy.

 

[katherinegrey]

If it helps any, I have bipolar and have divulged some pretty irrational thinking to my doctors and nurses, and have never been admitted. I've been given medication and watched very closely, but have escaped admission so far. At one point they recommended an admission even and I declined and asked to be monitored with home visits and extra appointments and they did, so they do take your wishes into account.
You need help sweetie, please see someone. I think you're beyond counselling right now and need medication, I hope it helps

 

[xxmyheartxx]

I have no other advice than.what has being said already hun, but im sending you lots of hugs xxxxxxxxx

 

[BeautifulD]

I agree with the other ladies, I really don't feel they would admit you

I had a friend who was in a shocking state and it took a LOT for them to admit him and when they did it wasn't for very long.... he carried on, alone, shut himself off from the world and didn't reach out when he should have. Unfortunately he is no longer with us.

Every single one of us would have been there for him and I'm pretty sure he felt like no one was there for him due to the severe fog caused by his depression.

I have suffered severe depression before, I've been medication free for a long time now but there was a time I couldn't see a way out. I went to my gp and she refused to give me medication until I had some blood tests (stupid idiot) I had to wait two weeks for a nurses appointment. I made it a week before I had to be pealed off my kitchen floor and taken to the Dr's. I was sure I was going to be sectioned but I didn't. I had to go see him every day and I was on two types of medication, he also referred me for counciling which was the best thing I ever did!! I can't imagine feeling like that along with being pregnant.

please please please reach out hun, it will be the best thing you ever did I wish I could reach out and give you a real hug

 

[Surprised26]

I too suffer from extreme depression and anxiety and I see myself reflected in a lot of your statements. Getting out of that dark place is an uphill battle, one that's nearly impossible to get through alone. Mix that in with pregnancy hormones, and it feels like you might as well just throw in the towel. You can't see a way out and often find yourself wishing for some sort of outside disaster to take it all out of your hands. I've been there. I spent most of this pregnancy fighting my demons to even do the basic things I needed to take care of this baby inside me.

That being said, no one is going to commit you unless you are and extreme and immediate threat to yourself or others. I have a schizophrenic sister that's prone to attacking and extreme violence, and you'd be surprised how hard it is to get her in a facility during one of those episodes.

If you don't want to talk to your OB about it, then don't. Hell don't even go to your family doctor. Go somewhere where you're a new patient (in the next town over, three towns over, somewhere where you feel you have a bit of anonymity) That way you still hold the cards and wont feel forever judged for spilling your guts. But, you do need to see somebody. I'm on the fence about the powers of counselling, so I wont shove that down your throat. I do however know that medication will help you. This isn't your fault. You're not "crazy." There is a chemical imbalance in your brain that is making you feel this way, and it likely wont get better on it's own. It's an illness, not a character flaw so please try not to feel so badly for the emotions you are experiencing. I know from personal experience the night and day difference between trying to fight it on your own, and getting help through medication. It's not overnight, it takes a few weeks for things to even out,but in the end it's so worth it.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, please reach out so you can feel better ♥
Good luck and please keep us updated.

 

[redneckhippy]

I want to echo what the previous poster said about it not being your fault and a medical issue. Your needing of medication is no different than ladies who develop GD and need to be on insulin. Don't let anything or anyone make you feel bad for getting help and getting on medication.

 

[Angel Momma13]

Thank you all so much for the support, im actually crying whilst typing atm. Its such a shame to me that anonymos ppl can be so supportive and kind, but that everyone close to me is so far from that. I have a psychiatrist which ive seen since i was 13 (i was raped at 11 and had finally opened up about it), but i feel i cannot discuss things like this with him. So im going to try to find some other outlet..even if its just a support group to talk openly in. Maybe I can lightly explin things to my gp, and maybe they can connect me with someone who has experience with bipolar mania, ocd, anxiety disorders, and severe relapse during pregnancy. Thank you all once again for your words, theyre so meaningful its undescribable.

 

[misscyn]

The thing is, im so mentally gone and disraught and in such a deeply dark place i KNOW they will have no choice but to admit me somewhere to keep me safe from myself if i verbally devudge everything im feeling and going thru, and I cannot do that with a toddler and absolutely nobody to care for him. Plus the mental distress itll cause my toddler.. i dont even have someone to watch him while im in the hospital the 3 days i will be for my c section with this baby Plus hes NEVER been way from me more then 4 hrs, i know birth being away from him for 3 days is going to be distressing enough for him mentally, but to rip him away from me before then to "get me better" is just going to exasterbate everything Dear god i really am a complete mess...and really have no options

The mental distress to your toddler will be worse if he ends up losing his mother to suicide or if you hurt him or his sister and end up in jail. Honestly your being admitted is really not (and by far) the worst thing that can happen. But honestly the odds of you being admitted seem very slim to me. I don't think you're thinking rationally at this point, and i urge you to seek help. Not sure your OB is the best person to confide in, although he could be a good starting point. But if you're not comfortable talking to him, try to find a social worker to talk to, or even go through a walk in medical clinic. You haven't done anything wrong at this point, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Those thoughts in your head are just thoughts. And if you pray then ask God to guide you out of that dark place you're in. Good luck hun, i'll be thinking of you xox

 

[sethsmummy]

Thank you all so much for the support, im actually crying whilst typing atm. Its such a shame to me that anonymos ppl can be so supportive and kind, but that everyone close to me is so far from that. I have a psychiatrist which ive seen since i was 13 (i was raped at 11 and had finally opened up about it), but i feel i cannot discuss things like this with him. So im going to try to find some other outlet..even if its just a support group to talk openly in. Maybe I can lightly explin things to my gp, and maybe they can connect me with someone who has experience with bipolar mania, ocd, anxiety disorders, and severe relapse during pregnancy. Thank you all once again for your words, theyre so meaningful its undescribable.

Sometimes its just easier to talk to somebody you dont know your partner might not realise just how low you are feeling hun.. men seem to think its all just baby blues and will go away.. because pre-natal depression isnt talked about much they dont understand it at all. Would you be willing to try and sit him down and have a frank talk with him telling him exactly how you are feeling but also telling him you need his help to get better.

I would hope the GP would listen to your every word and sort you out with some sort of medication and refer you on to someone who can councel you in this specific thing

AND you can always post on here and get support from other women xxxxx

 

[Dreambaby69]

Oh hun, the other ladies have said everything. I just want u to know that I will keep you in my prayers and that God will lay his healing hands on u and make u whole again. This is just a phase hun and with the right help, u will be back to ur old self in no time xx please take good care of u and baby xx

 

[HopefulMarla]

I starting seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in pregnant women when I was in my second trimester. I was feeling some pretty dark stuff, and she helped a lot! I was never forced to go to the hospital. We started medicationa, and now I'm almost due and feel really great! I know you don't want to talk to someone. I know this is hard and scary but you have to think outside of yourself. Your son and your daughter are at risk. Right now, you may not care, but one day you will.... I can promise that. If you can try to envision your future you, and how to help her. Also, don't beat yourself up for how you feel, but take responsibility for those feelings, and make them your priority. That way you can be the best mommy and person. In the end, if you need to go to a hospital. To sort some stuff out, and think clearly again. Then that's what you need to do. Your family and friends don't matter, and what they think is invalid. All that matters is you and your babies. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! It will get better. Just gotta push a tiny bit, and then you will have people to help you