Anxiety disorder + infant = Severe PPD

[FLArmyWife]

Not sure where to even begin other than just saying that as I'm sitting here typing my baby is in the pack-n-play screaming. He's been screaming for a good 15 minutes now. I tried swaddling, diaper change, rocking, etc... nothing is making him happy and I'm fed up. I just worked for 2 weeks and didn't see my baby. I was really hoping that I would have missed him and enjoyed being back at home with him, but I'm not. We've been home all of 4 hours and already I wish someone else would raise him. I just keep having these thoughts of why did I ever want this. So he smiles at me.. and? I can get friends babies to smile at me.. hell I can get a strangers baby to smile at me... so what is the point of all this? Why did I bother giving up my life for this? I could be napping with my furbabies and not listening to the screams of a baby.

When he was about 2 weeks old I told my husband straight to his face "I do not think I am cut out for this.. I think I made a mistake" and my husband has since tried to continue with the "see, you're doing fine. it's all ok. You love him"... ok... I love my family.. doesn't mean I want to be around them 24/7 and wait on them hand and foot. Hell I don't even like being around my husband 24/7. I enjoyed him being military and knowing that I would get time to myself every so often, and deployments rarely bothered me much in the term of loneliness as loneliness was never really a feeling I felt.

I was diagnosed with OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) back in 2009. It is a mix of anxiety, OCD, and depression pretty much. I was on medication for a year before I did not like the side effects and self weened. I've been off the meds now 6 six years. I struggled with the depression part really bad until it led to my marriage almost ending in which we sought counseling in 2012. Since then things have been fairly decent with only maybe 1 or 2 day stints of depression. I did great the entire pregnancy and despite gripping about wanting to be able to sleep normal again and have a normal bladder I didn't complain about anything else and was actually really happy through the entire thing. But since my son was born.. it's been a downward spiral. As he is continuing to scream, now it's been almost 25 minutes, I want nothing more than to call my in-laws and tell them he's theirs and I'll just visit on occasion. I want nothing more right now than to shout shut up at the top of my lungs.

I'm not even sure how long I'll keep this post up if I even get it posted, but I had to at least write it somewhere. Had to at least admit it in some form or fashion.

And as he nears the 30 minute mark he slows his cry and I wonder if he's finally giving up and realizing that I am not the person to cry to. That I'll never be able to care for him in the way he needs.

 

[pinkpassion]

There is nothing I or anyone can say to help you through this! I am so sorry you are struggling in this way. I have already said many times I think you need to seek professional help and maybe even get on some medication even if it is for just a short time!! Please flarmy, please seek help!!! You are an excellent mother but sometimes our hormones are so out of whack after delivery that we can't see or think straight. PLEASE get some professional help!!!

 

[Brightxeyes]

Is your husband away at the moment?
I never had a problem with being alone before, but when you're alone with a baby it feels very very lonely. My other half works at home but I am the one who deals with everything, so even with my other half in the house, I'm lonely.

How old is your little one at the moment?
It is tough if you're the one who has to do everything. I grew up thinking that it was a 50/50 thing, but it never turns out that way.

Do you have any friends or family you're close to that can help? Maybe speak to someone and say hey, I'm struggling a little recently so do you want to come over for lunch and help me juggle some things and maybe I can grab a shower while you're here and feel human again? I used to ask my sister to come round just so I could clean the kitchen without my little one screaming his head off. He just wanted to be held and amused constantly.

Anxiety doesn't help the situation, are you on any medication for anxiety? I had anxiety about going out and about with my little one unless I had someone with me for a bit of support and the whole 'everyone's judging my parenting'. I still get it so I go shopping when it's quiet, sometimes I even go to the supermarket late at night while my other half is at home and the babies in bed.

They change so much in the first year it's hard to keep up a routine and get to know them and know what their cries are and what they need and how to make it better.
Sometimes it's as simple as HOLD ME. But it's not practical at all when you've got things to do. Have you tried baby wearing? might keep baby happy and then you can get things done and then hopefully when babies asleep you have a bit of time to yourself?

You do need to speak to a professional about how you are feeling. They take mental health of mothers very seriously. You can get help. No ones going to judge you.
they'll just want to help and help you enjoy having a baby.

I still get horrible thoughts where I just hate my whole life and I wish I never had a child and it happens a lot to be honest, over little things too. I just blow up. I shout and I feel awful.

But my little ones older now, and it kind of gets better (it's different) but it's nice they can learn to amuse themselves as they get older so you can get things done!

Please ask for help!

 

[Babybump87]

So sorry your feeling this way. Having a new baby is so overwhelming especially when your not feeling good.

I too have anxiety issues and was ok through my pregnancy and when she was born but about 2/4 weeks later it suddenly hit me.

Sleep deprivation plays a major part in how we feel. I would try getting out the house as much as possible walks etc. Do you both good!.

As others have said best advice is to seek help. I know there is alot of support for new mums. Its a tough and scary time with your first. Please don't suffer . Getting it off your chest will help.

Hope your feeling better today. Take care xx

 

[campn]

When I first had my son everything that can possibly go wrong went wrong. I thought the exact same things like you, I wasn't ready for this. Why did I do this!? Why did I want to be pregnant so bad!?

The first few months are the hardest, I even used to google "when do babies become more enjoyable!?" And I think he was 6 months when I started to enjoy it more, but even to this day when he's 3.5 there are some dark moments when I think "why is this my life!?"

Children don't really feel that fulfilling and they don't bring that crazy amount of happiness we always thought we would have, but it does bring joy. You just realize how strong you are and how much you can really do.

They're only this small for a little while and before you know it he'll be in school! Just stay strong mama, and definitely seek professional help and they're the only ones who can really help you in a serious way.