Any advice? Hes ruining my life! UPDATE..YES IT GETS WORSE

[sweetsammi]

Hey girlies, hope you're all doing ok! Need abit of advice from ya'll! As your're all probs aware, I've had nothin but probs with the x when it comes to his fathering skills! Basically since driving him around without a car seat and turning up 3.5 hours late, things arent much better. He calls me 2days before to let me know when he is taking Oliver...and will not give me a time until the night before! This is no good to me because I then cant make any arrangements so my day is buggerd! I also feel its unfair on Oli because I want him to be in a routine when it comes to seein his daddy. One day he will ask 'when is daddy coming mummy?' and i cant give him an answer! To be fair, my x works shifts and comes from Derby to see him...but he knows what he'll be working 4weeks n advance-yet doesnt tell me till 2days before. Its like he's waiting for a better offer. Basically, if his mates are off work he'll spend the day with them-otherwise he'll come see his son! Totally unfair and not on in my opinion. He doesnt even pick him up til 12 so its njot like i have a day to myself anyway. And Oli spends the day crying and refusing to eat because he doesnt know his dad!

Example: Yesterday he took Oli at 11:30, he said he'd bring him home at 5:00pm. I went to an open day at college..just as I got on the bus my x rang sayin Oli wouldnt stop crying and did i know why!? WTF? So i said well have u fed him his lunch? No he said...wheres his bloody common sence?? Anyway ten mins later he rings back sayin he wont eat, hes too distressed, is he always a mardy baby? Hell no, he v rarely cries for anythin i say, its because he doesnt know u, u are a stranger to him. I said have u given him some bonjella? 'oh is there some in his bag, i didnt think to look' he said. grrrrrr. In the end I walked out of the college because i knew he would just keep ringin n i knew he'd end up bringin him home early. Good job too because on my way home he called sayin whre are u? I said im out. He said Oh well thats just great because we're bringin him home soon! It was only 2pm. I could hear Oli crying. I asked if he was ok. He said he is fine its just that his mum (he was stayin there) had to go out at 5 and she'd forgort to she would need to drop Oli off soon. I basically said to him that that was not my problem, his mum knew she was goin out and he cant just swap and change times like that! It wasnt fair on me or Oli. I said id been in an important meetin and had to leave because he didnt know what he was doin with our son! its a good job i dnt have a life of my own isnt it i said. He said im being out of order! All i ask for is af few hours to myself, and i cant, i have to be on stanby evertime he has Oli. Its just not on, im so angry and upset, wish he wouldnt bother. I keep askin nicely would he please let me know in advance when hes coming and he never does. I feel like sayin we make an agreement of we'll let the courts decide! But i dont wana be a bitch! Its just that he keeps sayin its not his fault, tht im being unreasonable and i just dnt want him to b a part of oli's lifer! not true at all!x

 

[MummyJade]

Hi Didnt want to read and run, ur not being unfair at all huni, all you are wanting is your son to have a relationship with his dad, that is understandable. And you should have time to yourself just because your a mum doesnt mean you cant live your life.

hope something works out 4 you and your little boy

x

 

[brownhairedmom]

I would say the court thing, if nothing else but to scare him. He's being irresponsible. If I was in that situation, I'd probably say "well if you can't be a full time parent, you won't be a parent at all". But I'm spiteful like that.

 

[sweetsammi]

He makes me laugh. Hes the youngest person at his work place so everyone talks down to him and treats him crap..he now says 'you have to treat me with respect now, im not a boy, i'm a man, i'm a dad like the rest of u..' lmao. Sorry just had to share that because i think its hillarious. He needs to learn that it takes abit more to be a dad then simply donating sperm. He comes out with all this 'he's my son, i have rights' nonsence. and to me its like- well u lost that privellage the day you left us. Arrgh. x

 

[~ Vicky ~]

Sam, just go through the courts hun. Between you and Ewan your priority is Oliver. It seems only one of you realise that. Oli is obviously going to pick up on everything that happens and it's not fair the way Ewan is acting. You're a fantastic Mum - from all the pictures i've seen of Oli he's one happy and healthy baby! It's only going to distress him more if it carries on this way.

You can still be fair whilst going through the courts and show you're not a bitch. He just needs to realise he IS a Dad and take that responsibility. It's easier for me to tell Gav to f-off because he doesn't want his daughter and obviously he's never met her - but Ewan has been a part of Olivers life up to now and he needs to carry on doing so!

Is he paying you matinence?

 

[sweetsammi]

Yeahur totaly right hun, thanku. yes he gives me £80 a month. xx

 

[~ Vicky ~]

Yeahur totaly right hun, thanku. yes he gives me £80 a month. xx

Well he's doing something right then

 

[leeanne]

I'd take him to court so that an arranged visitation time is set.

Sorry he's putting you through this!

 

[nikky0907]

I agree,since he obviously can't grasp the concept of responsibility,that his son is still a baby and needs a nice routine because it creates a feeling of safety and trust then he should be taken to court so they set him a date and time that he must oblige.

 

[cuddles314]

Sorry you're still having problems hun. It sounds like your ex is very immature, and so maybe he needs the court order to make him understand the importance of standing up to his responsibilities. Really hope you manage to get something sorted soon.
xxx

 

[Sarahkka]

Sometimes the courts will do things like make a parenting coach or class a mandatory part of his access to your child. That might actually really help him and will let you feel a lot less tense about leaving your son with him. Tell them about the car seat thing and you'll be fully supported. You are being reasonable as anything, in my opinion - you aren't saying no access, you're asking that his access not endanger your son.
I'd go to the courts for sure at this point, for your child's safety.

 

[Freya]

HI there, what a crap situation! Your ex has NO clue at all about the impact he has on you and Ollie! I agree with what other posters have suggested about 'going legal'. It actually shouldn't come to the point where you face each other in a family court. The most likely situation will be you'll both see your own advocate and perhaps after you'll all sit around a table and have an informal meeting where a 'contract' will be drawn up. Also at this time parenting support may be offered for BOTH of you so you have someone to rant to and ex gets some much needed lessons & support in being a dad!

An advocate could help to make ex understand how important his role is and that he needs to give YOU and Ollie a routine and plan visits and times well in advance. Court action may follow if things break down, with strict visitation arrangements made.

He may need to have a sharp wake up call though..... and may mean you need to get real tough. Not something I would recommend... but if you started to refuse him access there is nothing he can do apart from initiating court action himself. But this could get shitty & I'm guessing you want to avoid this.

Really hope the situation gets better with time!!!

xxxx

 

[lorrilou]

dont really know what to say but didnt want to read and run. hope you manage to sort things out.

 

[hypnorm]

my friend had this problem with her ex, he only wanted to see his son when it was ok for him, theis would really upset the lad as he could go 2 months without seeing his dad, (we saw him more than his dad did!) so the lad would get upset when his dad came. Eventually she told him he had to come when she was around and have supervised visitation untill he got to know his dad, at one point she had to stop all contact as the lad said he didnt like daddy and didnt want to see him.
I think that really shocked the dad. And he now takes a more active role, but is still clueless - he lost him a couple of weeks ago in a theme park because he and his wife bumped in to some old friends and got chatting and totally ignored the boy so he wandered off!! then they had the cheek to blame the lad and his mum for not teaching him properly!! they had sercurity and everything looking for him.

 

[sam's mum]

You are not being unreasonable at all! You are being far more reasonable than most people would considering the way he's behaved so far! I agree that you should go to the courts - maybe even think about supervised access until Oli gets to know his dad and is comfortable with him, rather than just feeling like he's being left with a clueless stranger. Hope things get better for you soon x

 

[Irishmum]

Ah hun! tHAT type of thing is bang out of order! You most certainly aren't being unreasonable. You are only asking of him what he should be doing without being asked (if that makes sense?) and he definately isn't delivering.

From the various posts I've read its completely unfair on both you and Oli. You deserve to have to someone you can rely on and trust with your son and (as harsh as this sounds) Oli deserves to have a father who doesnt treat him as though he is second best to anything or anyone. If there are any options for parenting classes in your area Id advise you to jump at it. You obviously want him to be involved in Olis life and I really tuely hope you can work it out.

x

 

[xarlenex]

Going to court wouldnt make a bitch, just a concerned mother. My mum had to go through court with regards to when my dad would have access as he was trying to something similar to what Ewans doing and it wasnt fair on me or her. Worked out my dad had to take me every 2nd weekend to stay overnight, but he never did. Just took my every 2nd sunday, which when I was younger I didnt mind at all, as I didnt particularly like going with him anyway.

He needs to know you are serous and aren't a pushover x

 

[Suzanne]

Dunno what it is about me today but im gonna come in on a different angel with this as well hun (see Rae's story about Maya lol)

In a strange way Ewan sounds like my OH, he has a one year old son from his previous relationship and he would kill and I mean "kill" to spend time with his son but the ex ALWAYS puts a stop to it simply because my OH doesnt want her back, he went to the solicitors this week to start court action (YAY lol) but when he IS with his son he clams up, he doesnt know what to do, if he cries he gets nervous cos he isnt sure why he is crying and I keep telling him the reason is because he doesnt spend enough time with him to know why he does what he does!

As a mother it doesnt take us long to work out why our children are crying, but a father doesnt always have that same ability, especially if they are absent from the childs life!

My ex hubby (childrens father) was exactly the same, my daughter was just turning 2 when we first split up and he didnt have a clue, didnt wanna see them on his own cos he didnt know what to do with them...

Can I make a suggestion? Please forgive me if im talking out of line cos I dont know the background to any of this but for a short while, could Ewan stay with you and Oli when he has him? Im not talking overnight but perhaps for a few hours eachtime, this way he can see how you interact with Oli and he can learn from you! Try and take a backseat but be close by to help out when needed, afterall like you said you dont get to do anything anyway cos your always on standby. I know if things are strained between the two of ou this maybe hard but its just a suggestion. I dont think you are being unreasonable considering court action hun I really dont, hopefully it wont need to come to that though, goodluck!

 

[sweetsammi]

So things are just gettin worse each week..Ewan hasnt seen his son in 3weeks now. Was supposed to have him last weekend but Oli had an ear infection and was quite sicky with it so Ewan said he didnt want him if he was vomiting as he didnt want to catch anything!!! For one you cannot catch an ear infection last time i checked..second i have to look after him when he's ill if i like it not and third, he works with sick people everyday in a hospital! He also said he didnt want him because it would be 'no fun' for him. I went barmy and said it wasnt fair i was havin to do everything-he has to be there for Oli through the good and bad times-thats whats parentings about! And how often is Oli gonna get ill during his childhood? Is Ewan simply gonna refuse to have him everytime?!

I then took Oli doctors the same day-Ewan knew this and do u know he never called until a week later to see how he was!? He said he was 'too busy' With that he said he may take him on fri but wasnt sure what he was doin (this was on weds)

So today he txt sayin: I shall take him for an hour or so tomorrow. I'll be over for 12:30

Firstly i was annoyed that he didnt ask if it was ok, just assumed he's gonna have him. 2nd why bother for an hour (baring inmind hes not seen him in over 3weeks) 3RDLY its way short notice and lastly why does he insist on pickin him up halfway through the day-he knows thats his lunch time and theres no way i'd disturb his routine for him! And anywhow i have plans tomorrow, im leaving at 10am so he wouldnt be able to take him at 12:30!

So i txtbk:Sorry but im going out tomorrow at 10am so u wont be able to pick him up at 12:30. u can always come at 10 or before though. would have thought ud want to spend the day with him anyway, u havnt seen him in 3wks., dnt undastsd y u wanna take him so late. plus its his lunch time. Its not fair to distrupt his routine and not fair on me either becus i have to wait in half the day for u so cant make any plans.. Its also v short notice again. U can have him tomo but youll need to be here early andin future i need for notice and earlier time please, i have asked u before, ive been reasonable up till now. thanks.

Bearing in mind every week he tells me the day before hes coming for oli and expects it to be ok and for all my plans to be cancelled for him.He alwatys says he'll be here at 12/30 which annoys me becuase i have to wait in for him. He then turns up late (every week, no apology) He then calls me every half hr askin what Oli wants every time he cries (he cries because he's distressed as he doesnt knw his daddy) and he agrees to bring him home at 6pm and every time he calls and says 'make sure ur in, im bringin oli home earlier than planned' therefore i have to drop everything and rush home for him.

So he replied: I told u 2days ago, isnt that enough notice? i dont know what u want from me!If u knew u had plans tomoro u should have said!

Me: U never said u where havin him for sure or gave me a time thts y i didnt say. Its besides the point anyway, if u wanna see Oliver then id be expecting u to come for him much earlier than u do cus this just isnt fair.

Ewan: i think u should stop being so awkward, i cant talk to u, ur mad.u just dont want me to see my son. Have u not got anything bettr to do with all that time u have then to make things difficult for me? Dont u think i have it hard enough as it is?. Just leave me alone, im sick of u tellin me am a bad father (ive never said that to him) At least i make some effort which is more than some dads do. u should bring Oliver to derby to me intstead of me coming to leicster and doin all the travellin, why should i? If u really wanted me to see Oliver more, u would do!

Me: i dont wanna play these silly immature txt games.u made ur bed.Im always bein awkward, like the time i wouldnt let u see oli becuase u refused to use a car seat..so i was bein awkward for carin about our son!Ive not said ur a bad dad.its not unreasonable for u to come c oli at a reasonable time and with notice.nothing awkward about that. Im the one bringing him up..on my own, i never have a break so dont go playing the victim here. I'm the 1 thats havin a hard time. why would i want it to be any bloody harder? I have enough to stress about.

Ewan:dont give me that rubbish. if u really wanted oliver to see me u would bring him to me urself. If im late u moan at me. if i drop him off earlier u moan at me.Give it a rest, thats not caring thats just pickin a fight. I suggest u find somethin constructive to do with ur spare time, cus its wearin very thin. U complain i havnt seen him in weeks, why is it a big deal?i have a whole lifetime to see him! i didnt see my father for 4yrs, i didnt care, i have a great relationship with him now.

At this point i was fuming...he just doesnt get it!

My txt back...i feel im within my rights to moan when ur late or drop off early.we'd arranged a time and u cant stick by them..it isnt fair especially when im in a job interview and have to walk out!i wouldnt mind the odd time but its everyime and never an apology. I cant do this. u think the world revolves around u, its so selfish and unacceptable. ive been more than reasonable and understanding til now. Oliver needs a routine and stability.cnt belive u cant see the issue here and think im tryin to cause an argument. wot u dont relasie is all this time ive been tryin to move back to derby for ur benifit..2try make it easier on u, so u and oli could have a proper relationship. so dont give me that rubbish bout me bein awkward and makin it harder for you when all im doing is whats best for oli..and actually makin it harder for myself! I cnt believe ur takin r sons life 4 granted-u said u have ur whole life to c him, u cnt gaurentee that, u dnt know whats around the corner. u have the gift of a beautiful son,every moment is precious&u should take every opportunity 2 be with him and cherish watchin him grow and develop.Thats what hurts, thats arent intersted in seein that. are u sayin it doesnt matter u dnt c him much cus ull make it up to him when hes older?tht wont make up for the times u missed&not been there for him.u seem to think its ok not to see much of him now then swan in when hes older and easier to look after.when it suits u, when ur ready to become a 'dad'..after ive done all the work by myself!thought he ment mre to u than that and that u where more of a man!

And thats the last i heard...im appauled and i have to take some drastic action, its makin me very ill and i do not want him hurtin Oli when in my eyes this 'man' can not possibly want his son.. what can i do?? His answer to everything is im bein awkward and dont want him seein him..when thats all i wanted! But now..hes really pushed his luck, i actually dont want him anywhere near oli, hes a selfish nasty piece of work...The only ones sufferin here are Oliver and myself. I justc cnnot beleive the cheek of it..he epects me to get the train to derby with oli to see him??I work hard enough as it is, why should i make it easier for him!? I cant bare the thought of him anywhere near my son now sorry ladies

 

[Younglutonmum]

Omg hun

He really is scum isn't he?? I truely feel you've done enough now. You've given him pleanty of chances & have been more than reasonable.

I'd totally agree with you if you decide that he can't have contact with Oli. If he really cares about Oli then he'll change or maybe even take you to court so he has some access. But to be honest he sounds so bone idle I honestly can't see him taking legal action

The Knob