Any step-mums out there?

[TheNewMrs]

Hey Girlies,
So yesterday my hubby was granted access to see his son for 1 hour a week till sept. He raised his son by himself while mum fled to spain-arrived home and said baby wasnt his... Took the baby and moved away. That was 7 years ago, the baby is now 8 and hubby hasnt seen him in that long, she sent a maintenance order to the house and hubby said he wouldnt pay till he got a paternity test. (He'd asked from the first day she said tht that he wanted one and she wouldnt agree)... 2 days before our wedding we found out the baby is his.

So access starts on Saturday. Obv it will be hubby only for the first few months... I dunno how I feel about it. We havent told anyone were TTC so I feel like if we do get pregnant people will think its only coz now he has another child?

I do feel upset that he has a child with someone else but thats just a personal thing, Im delighted hes getting to see his son and Im excited that he'll be part of my life too.. I just dunno what my boundaries are, what my role is supposed to be???

Ugh! MEssy business...

 

[mskellydenise]

Hi...
I think initially you will need to be as supportive as possible to your husband...be aware that things will probably be a little difficult for him...he's adjusting to this new situation and your stepson is going to have to adjust to the fact that his father is involved in his life...once they become comfortable with each other and you enter the relationship I would suggest you make things as comfortable as possible...take your cues from your stepson...make sure he feels the love that both you and your husband have for him.

Only an ignorant person would assume you are only ttc because you recently found out your husband has another child...its natural to want to have children with the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with.

I would also suggest that you keep as close an eye as possible on your stepson's mother...she sounds like a very evil and vindictive person...please be aware that she might not always make things easy.

Just take it easy and enjoy your stepson...soon enough it will feel like he's been around the entire time!

 

[TheNewMrs]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. I'm doing my very best to be supportive and understanding for him. Things are really tough for him because he's also feeling for me, even though Ive assured him I'm fine.

You very right about the mother though, she is quite a piece of work. My hubby raised that kid by himself for the first part of his life while she moved to Spain and lived the highlife off his bank account!! I am fully aware she will try to make things difficult for both of us, but we've decided we'll stick by each other through thick and thin and thats what we'll do..

Are you a step mother yourself??

 

[cowboys angel]

GAH! I had a long reply and lost it.

Anyway.

The jist of my post was this:

Don't change your TTC plans, you may someday resent your step child, even unintentionally.

My OH has 3 kids other than ours. 17, 12, 7.

17 year old- her mom abandoned her, oh took her and started raising her, her mom came back, and ran off with her. oh hasn't seen her in 10 years, and that was brief. her mom ran off with her when she was months old.

i encouraged him to find her, and she's planning to come see us this summer now.

12 year old - oh got randomly served with paternity papers. i also encouraged him here, to build a relationship. this was important to him, tho he had no clue he had a son out there all this time.

7 year old- we have in our life regularly. her mom is a vindictive bitch, adn sd tell sme all the time she wishes i was her birth mommy. this breaks my heart as a mom of my own dd, but i suppose this is her moms fault.

you will love being a step mom. it's very rewarding, and (this sounds mean, but you'll see, sometimes yo u just need it.) you'll get a break from the stepchild.

do not change your ttc plans in my opinion. stick to it. you'll feel better, it'll give you sometime to hold on to, and you won't potentially resent the step child in the future.

sorry for typing mistakes, typing fast and trying to get all my thoughts out there. lol

 

[cowboys angel]

be careful with his mom. sounds kinda like my 7 yr old sd's mom. she's crazy and vindictive and causes trouble for everyone. be very careful and cautious around her, don't give her anything to use against you...but also don't kowtow to her just because she CAN cause trouble.

hope that made sense.

PM me any time if you have questions or need to talk or whatever.

 

[TheNewMrs]

Oh no!
How right u were all, I genuinely believe she is the Devil in flesh!
So as I stated earlier, hubby was granted 1 hour a week, from 2-3 on a Saturday. She's been sending him text messages non stop about their past, he clearly pointed out that the only reason he wants to hear from her is if she has something to say regarding their Son.

We're going to the Solicitors office today to see if we can arrange a social worker to supervise the access instead. She's been trying to rearrange the visits as well. My husband works a job that he is on call 24 hours 6 days out of 7. So he needs the access to be a set time and date considering she wants him to travel to the next big town to see his son because she wants it "kept out of local eyes".

Ugh! So frustrating!!

 

[RiverSong]

I am a stepmom to a lovely ss.

Imho i agree whole heartedly with the resentment thing. It can happen to the kindest of person despite any amounts of love there may be. You dont deserve to suffer it and your ss certainly doesnt.

Dont change your plans and dont stand for anyone painting you as a bad stepmom. The fact you are asking this question shows you arent bad.xx

 

[tallybee]

Good advice above

There's a link in my signature for the step parents support thread, if any of you who haven't already, want to join us!

xx

 

[mskellydenise]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. I'm doing my very best to be supportive and understanding for him. Things are really tough for him because he's also feeling for me, even though Ive assured him I'm fine.

You very right about the mother though, she is quite a piece of work. My hubby raised that kid by himself for the first part of his life while she moved to Spain and lived the highlife off his bank account!! I am fully aware she will try to make things difficult for both of us, but we've decided we'll stick by each other through thick and thin and thats what we'll do..

Are you a step mother yourself??

Yes (we're not married but we've been together for 5 years...my stepson just turned 7)...Sounds like you're SS mother is going to be like my SS mother...at one point it was really bad...she was obviously trying to rekindle something with my OH...I told him that he needed to get her to give up on her fantasy or I would...lol...idk what was said but its much better now...I still dislike her because of all the things shes done in the past but I keep it civil for the good of my SS...sounds like you're being very supportive so keep up the great work...hopefully things will eventually get easier...btw my SS mother did a complete 180 once she started dating her current boyfriend.

 

[TheNewMrs]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. I'm doing my very best to be supportive and understanding for him. Things are really tough for him because he's also feeling for me, even though Ive assured him I'm fine.

You very right about the mother though, she is quite a piece of work. My hubby raised that kid by himself for the first part of his life while she moved to Spain and lived the highlife off his bank account!! I am fully aware she will try to make things difficult for both of us, but we've decided we'll stick by each other through thick and thin and thats what we'll do..

Are you a step mother yourself??

Yes (we're not married but we've been together for 5 years...my stepson just turned 7)...Sounds like you're SS mother is going to be like my SS mother...at one point it was really bad...she was obviously trying to rekindle something with my OH...I told him that he needed to get her to give up on her fantasy or I would...lol...idk what was said but its much better now...I still dislike her because of all the things shes done in the past but I keep it civil for the good of my SS...sounds like you're being very supportive so keep up the great work...hopefully things will eventually get easier...btw my SS mother did a complete 180 once she started dating her current boyfriend.

Yea, it is quite insane how women can act?!

SS-Mum has got 2 other children to my husbands ex-Best Friend.. (Talk about a double heart break!! She was sleeping with hubbys BF at the time, and he followed her out to spain when she went out there, she came took, took the kid and moved away his hubbys best friend!! ) But they've got two younger kids as well.

When hubby showed up for access on Saturday, she was dressed to kill, hubby said he was nearly choking on the smell of cheap perfume. She had clearly been to the salon to have her hair blow-dried. Had a false tan done and wore heels, to a bowling alley!!!

Hubby is a very handsome man (Im biased but he's a firefighter so hes extremely fit and takes real good care of himself) , her boyfriend-hubbys ex friend, has gotten quite..... plump, doesnt work, sponges off the social, I could go on!

Anyway, she was saying to him "Your looking really good, you were never this buff when we were together" to which hubby ignored. then when hubby was leaving he gave the kid a hug and told him he'd see him next week and the kids asked "Does Mum have to come too?" Mum jumped in and said "of course honey, were having a family day out"

She's been calling hubby, texting him, driving up and down past our house, This is going to be a lengthy process...

Oh Help Me Jesus!

 

[tallybee]

Jealous, much?

I reckon you and your husband need to sit down and discuss how to deal with this woman, united. You completely and utterly MUST be together in how you do. Otherwise she will make cracks and wedges between you with her insanity.

 

[mskellydenise]

Oh she definitely needs to be put in her place...you might have to join the "Family day" sooner rather than later!

He also needs to tell her as blatantly as possible that she is wasting her time trying to get something started with him and to STOP texting/calling for nonsense reason because he is HAPPILY married to the LOVE of his LIFE...I cant stand women like her!!

 

[TheNewMrs]

Jealous, much?

I reckon you and your husband need to sit down and discuss how to deal with this woman, united. You completely and utterly MUST be together in how you do. Otherwise she will make cracks and wedges between you with her insanity.

I have to say, I am blessed with him, he came straight home and was like "honey, we need to talk. Im telling you because I love you and I want you to know everything, so please try to stay calm and hear me out. Know that I married you because I can't imagine my life without you but I need to keep you in the loop"


He's such a sweetie, yea, he's been keeping me involved in every step, consulting me on every decision, but I can feel the tension already..

 

[TheNewMrs]

Oh she definitely needs to be put in her place...you might have to join the "Family day" sooner rather than later!

He also needs to tell her as blatantly as possible that she is wasting her time trying to get something started with him and to STOP texting/calling for nonsense reason because he is HAPPILY married to the LOVE of his LIFE...I cant stand women like her!!

Yea Id love to, but because hubby has been out of the childs life for so long the access is supervised at the moment and I am not allowed to be there.... I so wish I could be though....

 

[cowboys angel]

I wasn't allowed to be around my SD for the first few visitations either.

 

[mskellydenise]

Oh ok...Well it sounds like you have a wonderful husband and dont have to worry about too much...though her actions will probably get worse and more outright before she gets it and moves on with her life...Hopefully the visits will quicky become unsupervised and he only has to deal with brief encounters with her for the pickups and drop offs...she's an absolute mess!

 

[TheNewMrs]

Oh ok...Well it sounds like you have a wonderful husband and dont have to worry about too much...though her actions will probably get worse and more outright before she gets it and moves on with her life...Hopefully the visits will quicky become unsupervised and he only has to deal with brief encounters with her for the pickups and drop offs...she's an absolute mess!

I hope so too.
I am quite nervous about actually meeting him though, Ive seen photos of him, but Ive never actually seen him or spoken to him. Part of me is terrified he wont like me.

 

[mskellydenise]

Oh ok...Well it sounds like you have a wonderful husband and dont have to worry about too much...though her actions will probably get worse and more outright before she gets it and moves on with her life...Hopefully the visits will quicky become unsupervised and he only has to deal with brief encounters with her for the pickups and drop offs...she's an absolute mess!

I hope so too.
I am quite nervous about actually meeting him though, Ive seen photos of him, but Ive never actually seen him or spoken to him. Part of me is terrified he wont like me.

You dont have anything to worry about...kids generally like everyone...besides there is no reason for him to dislike you...jus be yourself when you finally meet him...tell him you have heard so much about him and couldnt wait to meet him in person...he'll love you forever for making him feel special