Anyone else still struggling with previous losses?

[hilslo]

I don't really know how to start this but I guess I'm just hoping to find some reassurance that I'm not alone in really struggling to get past my previous two losses.

I'm now 18w6d - the furthest I've ever been and after 6 scans I'm starting to believe that this might be our rainbow (fingers still very firmly crossed!). However, I'm still feeling angry/bitter/upset about my previous losses. None of my friends have suffered losses and 90% of them have got pregnant as soon as they started trying. I feel like the dunce of the class, continually failing "exams" whilst they're all passing with flying colours.

I know it's not a race and I by no means wish anything like what I've been through on any of them but it feels so unfair that I've had to go through this whilst they've all got to sail through and enjoy their pregnancies.

Tonight DH and I are supposed to be going out for dinner with some close friends, none of whom know I am pregnant. I really don't want to go. It's two couples, one of which has a 1 year old and the other is due any day. I went to their wedding on 4th May last year, 2 weeks after my surgery for my ectopic. It was incredibly tough as I was still very sore and surrounded by new borns. Last time I saw them was in September, 3 weeks after I lost my twins (I didn't tell them) and that's when we found out they were pregnant.

Sorry this is turning into a much longer, whingier post than I had anticipated!

I'm fine seeing friends that are not pregnant or don't have kids and have even told a couple of them but I'm really struggling with seeing those who are/do. I feel very petty and pathetic for letting myself get in this state. Dh is understanding but he's not struggling the same way at all. He wants to shout it from the rooftops that I'm pregnant whereas I'd rather hide from people until I'm about to pop.

Does anyone else feel like this or am I just being neurotic?

If you've got this far - thank you so much for reading. It feels good to get it out!!

 

[Kasey84]

Hi Hun,
I think what your feeling is completely normal. Like you, I would never wish a loss on anyone, but still I can't help but feel bitter that I have struggled with loss while others breeze through ttc/pregnancy without an issue. My first pregnancy ended in mmc and although this second pregnancy has gone very well, I've struggled with anxiety and fear of something happening and for a long time I could not bond with this baby (I think from fear of losing him too). I miss the joyful innocence of a pregnancy without a previous loss and I envy those who get to experience that.

I understand your reluctance to tell others of your pregnancy as well. I was the same way and I waited until about 19 weeks before I told people. Even then I was so weary about announcing it and still found it hard to talk about the pregnancy with ease.

Even though I'm only 4 days away from my due date and extremely grateful, I still think of the baby I lost and will always miss that baby and grieve for him or her.

Go easy on yourself and don't feel guilty if you can't be around certain people. You have to do what is best for you!

p.s Congrats and best wishes for a healthy pregnancy.

 

[Gilka]

Hi hun,,
I think what you are feeling is totally normal. We never forget our angel babies, however long ago we lost them and because it's probably the hardest thing to face it's not unusual to feel anger and bitterness towards others who've not been through it.

My little one was stillborn 15 years ago now and I'm pregnant with his brother or sister but I'm still worried sick. I was so angry at the world and everyone in it, particularly mothers who had their babies. And I'm angry that I also lost my innocence the day he died inside me.

Actually, although I've told people about my pregnancy I do understand you not wanting to tell anyone, I do and did feel that too because if he/she doesn't make it I've got to tell everyone and see the disppointment in their faces!

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it ever leaves you, know that's normal and don't fight it. Like Kasey says, you've got to do what's right for you and your family.
Keep ya chin up, we're all here for you. Take care of yourself.
xx

 

[hilslo]

Thank you both so much for responding and making me feel like I'm not losing my mind. I did end up going out to meet my friends and ended up enjoying myself (blubbed like a baby when I told then).

Over the past week I've started to feel movement and I think it has triggered something more positive in my brain. Still not ready to shout it to the world but I'm over halfway (just!) and starting to feel an inkling of hope that this may actually work....

Kasey - you probably have your baby in your arms by now!!!! I hope you're enjoying every second!

Thanks again to you both. Xx

 

[Kasey84]

Thank you. I'm so glad your feeling better!

I'm still waiting for baby's arrival actually. 4 days overdue now! Pretty tired, but totally worth the wait

Best of luck to you