anyone else struggling with depression?

[Marie000]

Is anyone else here having difficulties with depression?
I keep feeling down and I feel like I want to tell people, but I don't want to be a downer. I don't really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

OH is trying his best to be supportive, but he doesn't understand depression. He admits that he doesn't understand. As he told me many times, he lived through some difficult times in his life, but since he never found it useful to be depressed, he just doesn't do that. So he doesn't understand why I do this to myself. As if I do it on purpose. He doesn't mean to be hurtful, but it hurts.
Also, these days, I hesitate to show him how depressed I am because I know it makes him feel like a failure. We are having money problems, and he feels like it is his responsibility to take care of me and make me happy. Once again, he means well but it just makes me feel like I'm a burden. I have always been a very independant person, and I never intended to be so dependant on someone else.

Most days I don't even want to get out of bed, but I have my daughter to take care of, so I do. I keep losing patience with her because I am frustrated with other things. For example, I lose patience when she's super fussy at diaper changing time... mostly because I am frustrated that OH never changes a diaper.
I get mad at my dog for barking too much, mostly because I feel like I have failed as a dog owner and I hate myself for it.
I am frustrated that so many things in my life are not going as planned. I get depressed when it looks like OH's prospects for a new job are not good. But when it looks like he might get a job, I panic because it will probably mean him being away from home 4-5 days a week.

I feel helpless, overwhelmed and isolated. I think I would need some therapy but I can't afford it. Plus we live in the middle of nowhere so I would have to go pretty far from home. (I don't drive. That's another problem.)

This is not the first time I struggle with depression. I get overwhelmed easily. And when I start feeling down, it seems like the only thing I am able to do is to bring myself further down. Then I just break down and cry myself to exhaustion. After that I can finally get myself back up for a little while.

Sorry I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

 

[seoj]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this hun- like you said, it's not something you CHOSE to feel- it's how your body physically reacts to the situations around you- I'm sure you would chose to be happy go lucky if you could. My hubby suffers from anxiety- I do to. I know it's not the same- but it does affect our patients and our moods- and we have been through SO much the past couple years- some good, but some pretty stressful life situations as well. My hubby was really starting to get down- he has been through depression years back. And with counseling- and meds... it really turned around... eventually he was able to wean off the meds and do well overall. But after all we've been through he felt finding a new medication might help- and it has. It's also brought me to going the same route- although it's not something I've done before. I've always just "dealt with life" and tried my best to be positive... but, especially after my Mom passed, my anxiety peaked- and with my LO's 2nd bday and the holidays coming up- and missing my Mom that much more... I felt it better to be proactive.

Obviously counseling is great too- I recommend. But if it's not as possible- then talk to your GP- let them know how you've been feeling- talk about possible medications. If anything, it could help you feel more balanced... and that can only be good for you and your family hun.

 

[Marie000]

thanks!
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety. I've had that in the past (less now) and it's no fun.

I am hesitant to take medication. I've seen GPs in the past for depression and anxiety and it was never really helpful. I tried medication and I wasn't comfortable with the side effects, and sometimes GPs would prescribe something that seemed really not appropriate. One even prescribed a medication that is usually used for severe depression, once other medications have failed. That was before trying anything else. Scary.
So I have a hard time trusting doctors with mental health issues.
Plus, I am still breastfeeding and that makes me even less comfortable with medications, even those deemed safe for breastfeeding mothers.

I will look into it though. I'll check with OH's work insurance as well. Maybe they cover some sort of therapy.

In the mean time, I've had some good days and good moments. It varies a lot. I can be in a great mood one day and completely depressed the next. Makes me think that it could also be a mild form of bipolar disorder.

 

[seoj]

I can understand that hun- sorry your experience was not the best. I was lucky that I knew people on a certain type of med (Wellbrutrin)- so I had that experience from them and how they felt it worked- so that is what I pushed for with my own GP. She even said that lots of meds specific to anxiety are not ones she likes- and wellbrutrin is more for depression, but has good results in treating anxiety as well. IDK- just maybe something to research. I did have some sleep issues that first week- hard to get to sleep- but, once my body got more used to it- no issues. It's still early on- but from what I've read and been told by people I know, the side affects are minimal if any... and easy to wean off than other meds.

For now though- just try to get some time for YOU. I know that's hard sometimes... but it's so important to keep grounded- maybe do some meditation- deep breathing- even just a walk around the block! Anything you can do today that might help. Hopefully you can find a good doctor hun- OR- if you find a good counselor/phsychologist- they might be better able to help diagnose and offer insight into treatment options. Then you can go to your GP armed with good info!!!

Big hugs!

 

[Marie000]

I am still looking into talking to a doctor. It's a bit complicated because OH will have to drive me there, and take some time off work (at the last minute because I can't see a doctor by appointment). It's a pain. All in the hopes that I stumble on a doctor who will take me seriously.

Things have been shaky lately. Sometimes I feel okay and then at the drop of a hat I get super depressed. It doesn't help that OH hurt his back again. This will sound really selfish and uncaring, but it means I now have two babies to take care of. When I am having trouble with the baby, I can't even ask him for help. Instead I have to do everything, and then take care of him too.

I just want to sit in a corner and cry. But I can't. I just have to keep going somehow.

 

[seoj]

I am still looking into talking to a doctor. It's a bit complicated because OH will have to drive me there, and take some time off work (at the last minute because I can't see a doctor by appointment). It's a pain. All in the hopes that I stumble on a doctor who will take me seriously.

Things have been shaky lately. Sometimes I feel okay and then at the drop of a hat I get super depressed. It doesn't help that OH hurt his back again. This will sound really selfish and uncaring, but it means I now have two babies to take care of. When I am having trouble with the baby, I can't even ask him for help. Instead I have to do everything, and then take care of him too.

I just want to sit in a corner and cry. But I can't. I just have to keep going somehow.

That doesn't sound selfish hun- it sounds like a woman who has been pushed beyond her limits- but who's still fighting to keep going. Anyone would be stressed out. I know I would!

I hope you find a doctor who actually listens and is helpful-- I'm sorry it's not easier. I don't understand the whole insurance/medical stuff over there? Seems like it should be so simple to find a good doctor or have one recommended... I guess it's just different depending on where you live. I'll send you positive vibes though hun!!!

Best of luck

 

[Marie000]

Well, most health care is funded by the state, so there is no problem seeing a doctor. Then the doctor will probably refer me to either a psychiatrist or a psychologist. A psychiatrist is paid for by the government but might be less available. A psychologist would be easy to find but I would have to pay myself or with my private insurance.

I will look into seeing a doctor later this week or early next week.
Things are still shaky, but I am making some efforts to make it better. I am trying to get some things done so I can feel proud of myself but without putting too much pressure either. Today I finished peeling, cutting and freezing my harvest of apples. I keep the peels and cores to make jelly (yum!!) but I put it all in the freezer, so I don't have to worry about it. I'll make that jelly when I feel like it.
Sounds trivial, but it made me feel better to have some control over that.

I am also thinking about taking a day to go into town by myself. OH could take a day off work to watch the baby and I would leave early in the morning and come back late at night.
Either that, or OH could go away with the baby for a day.
Either way, I think a day off would do me some good. A day in town would be exhausting, but at least I know I wouldn't get bored.

 

[seoj]

That all sounds lovely hun! sometimes it's the little things in life that help make things better. And a day to yourself sounds much needed! I would just go into town- make get your toes done or go to a movie or just walk and window shop... enjoy the time just YOU

Hope things are sorted out soon- does sound like some work to get referred. If your private insurance would help- might be worth going that route. IDK. I'm sure you'll figure out what will be best hun.

 

[Marie000]

I still didn't get around to seeing a doctor. OH's back is still injured and he has been sick. I didn't want him to have to lose another day of work. But now that wont be a problem. He just lost his job.

We were barely scrapping by with his salary, and now it's gone. Along with our health and life insurances. Hopefully we can get some employment insurance, but that wont be enough. If we don't get that, it's welfare and then we're sure to lose the house.
In total, we have around 4 weeks of income coming (one week severance pay, two weeks vacation and an extra week if OH agrees to not sue or complain). That doesn't leave him much time to find something else.

So last night I kept having panic attacks and feelings of despair.
I had been feeling better lately, but this new stress is making things so much worst. I just wish I could go back to bed for the rest of the day.