Anyone else unsure if they are ready?

[Moraine]

I'm 30 years old now, and my hubby and I recently decided to start TTC. But I have to admit I'm really unsure about the decision. I'm worried about if I'm "ready" for this or not. I know I'm a grown up but having a baby is a big huge scary responsibility, how do you know if you are ready for it?

I'm scared about being responsible for a whole person, (aside from hubby lol!) worried about the fact that I'm a completely lazy git and set in my ways. Do I want to wake up at 3:00am every night to feed or comfort? Do I want to give up my many hours long reading sessions every day? Or movies? Video games? Just going to the store? All the extra laundry, diapers, feedings, sterilizing..... etc. Or the whole money factor, no more toys for us, all money would go to the baby.

I look at my nephew who is the cutest little guy ever, but man oh man is he high maintenance, he is on a screaming kick right now, he's very moody. But then he also loves to laugh and play and I love seeing my husband play with him, it makes me all mushy inside. This smilie about sums me up right now There's me having fun on one side, and on the other side is me with a lovely little baby. I'm confused!

Well, I just wanted to get that off my chest. I will be very happy if I do become pregnant, but part of me is unsure if I should even be trying. Am I alone in feeling this way?

 

[FJL]

Hun, I used to have all those feelings but honestly, that was before I was TTC. I waited until my answer was YES to all of the questions of would I be willing to do this, or give up that.

Maybe give yourself a break for a few months and figure out if this is something you're really ready for.

Like you say, the thought of having a baby is a HUGE responsibility and one that shouldn't be taken lightly. You really have to be ready for it.

Maybe write down a list of pros and cons and see which one you side with.

Best of luck with your decision

 

[dakini]

Not alone at all. I feel the same way. I am 29 (30 in only a few months - ugh!) and I don't feel old enough to be responsible for another life (besides DH! ). I talked with a friend of mine that only a few months younger than me that has 2 kids already (9 and 7) and she says that she doesn't feel old enough to be a Mom!

I think the best thing I've ever heard was from a co-worker of my DH's - "If you say that you are 100% ready to be a parent, then you are lying to yourself". He has kids, so he knows what he's talking about.

I don't think that you are ever 100% ready, even if you've already had a child...you don't really know how the older is going to react, how you're going to manage the two of them, etc.

I also know what you mean about seeing nephews...I have 3 and 1 niece, and there are times when they are all going that I just say, "It's too much! I can't handle this! I don't want one! What was I thinking!" and then I see DH playing with them, or holding them and doing the 'rock' without realizing it and my heart just melts and I want to see him holding his own child...oh man, I am going to start crying......Heck, I see him cuddling one of our cats and I just think, wait, one day he's going to be holding his child like that and I melt.

Basically, when we decided to start trying, we both said, we don't feel ready (old enough, mature enough, financially stable enough, healthy enough (need to keep working on eating better), etc) but if we wait until we feel 100% ready, it will be too late. So we took the plunge! Nothing yet, but we keep hoping.

I also worry because I see how his sisters raise their kids and there are things that I want to do differently, and some things that I don't agree with that his MIL does and I don't know how to say, when it's ours, I really don't want this or that to happen without sounding like the b--y DIL...I guess he'll just have to mention some of them and see what happens. At least on a lot of it, we agree so that makes it easier.

I know that I don't feel ready, and swear I'll be in the hospital after delivery and be like, "Are you sure really want to give my this little person and have me totally responsible for them? No, I don't think so. We'll just stay here for a few months, years, whatever..." but I really don't think that's going to fly.

 

[Moraine]

Thank you both for the replies, much appreciated.

FJL, thank you for the advice, a pro and con list sounds like a good idea.

I also know what you ean about seeing nephews...I have 3 and 1 niece, and there are times when they are all going that I just say, "It's too much! I can't handle this! I don't want one! What was I thinking!" and then I see DH playing with them, or holding them and doing the 'rock' without realizing it and my heart just melts and I want to see him holding his own child...oh man, I am going to start crying......Heck, I see him cuddling one of our cats and I just think, wait, one day he's going to be holding his child like that and I melt.

Isn't it just the cutest seeing your hubby with a baby? I see mine with my cats too and I've thought the same thing. I see him playing the piano with my little nephew who is only nine months and I can't wait to see him do that with one of our own.

Basically, when we decided to start trying, we both said, we don't feel ready (old enough, mature enough, financially stable enough, healthy enough (need to keep working on eating better), etc) but if we wait until we feel 100% ready, it will be too late. So we took the plunge! Nothing yet, but we keep hoping.

I also worry because I see how his sisters raise their kids and there are things that I want to do differently, and some things that I don't agree with that his MIL does and I don't know how to say, when it's ours, I really don't want this or that to happen without sounding like the b--y DIL...I guess he'll just have to mention some of them and see what happens. At least on a lot of it, we agree so that makes it easier.

I know that I don't feel ready, and swear I'll be in the hospital after delivery and be like, "Are you sure really want to give my this little person and have me totally responsible for them? No, I don't think so. We'll just stay here for a few months, years, whatever..." but I really don't think that's going to fly.

The part in bold is pretty much why we started trying, we feel the same way, but it doesn't make it any less scary huh? And I know what you mean about seeing other people raising their children and telling yourself about all the things you would do different, I think that all the time! But then I'm sure when it comes down to it I'll make the same mistakes lol!

Thank you, it is reassuring to see someone else with much the same feelings, it made me feel better.

 

[Samantha675]

I am 32 and I was not ready till we started trying, I was still unsure the month before. All I know is that something clicked in July, we tried in August, and were unbelievably lucky and got pregnant right away. So I am now 17 weeks, and I know that I am not 100% ready, not would I ever be, but I am as ready as I possibly could be. I am happy with the decision I have made, and I do not regret waiting, ever.

 

[Madwolf3]

On one hand if you know you have that many reservations about it, then I'd say to wait. You don't want to end up feeling like the baby "stole" your life, that wouldn't go well.

BUT at the same time- if it means anything to you, I think ALL of us have felt that we weren't ready! I already have a 2 1/2 year old daughter, and when I found out we were pregnant again (we'd been trying for 8 months) I freaked out at first wondering if I was really ready. But I'm fine now, just like how I was when we had our first (who was a suprise). I didn't think I was ready then, and at the age I was I really wasn't ready but it went fine. They do take over your life- it really will never be the same again after a baby, but it doesn't mean you can never watch your movies or play your games or read your books again! (They do sleep sometimes ya know, lol!)

I dunno hun, maybe you should wait, but if you do want kids some day, don't want too long! Good luck!

 

[dakini]

Isn't it just the cutest seeing your hubby with a baby? I see mine with my cats too and I've thought the same thing. I see him playing the piano with my little nephew who is only nine months and I can't wait to see him do that with one of our own.

I know...whenever he's holding a nephew or niece he starts doing the 'rock and bounce' and I'm not even sure he realizes it! And I'm not about to tell him! It's just so cute. And sometimes he'll be doing it with one of the cats...or when he's playing (like you said) with the kids...I just get this little smile on my face and he's like "What?". I'm like "nothing" and just keep smiling...

[QUOTE}The part in bold is pretty much why we started trying, we feel the same way, but it doesn't make it any less scary huh? And I know what you mean about seeing other people raising their children and telling yourself about all the things you would do different, I think that all the time! But then I'm sure when it comes down to it I'll make the same mistakes lol![/QUOTE]

It's certainly not less scary...but we'll get through it the same way we've gotten through everything else...together. I'll probably make some of the same mistakes, but some I really don't want to make...and some of it's I just hope my kids aren't like that, but a lot of it's not following through on things...like saying, 'once more and you're going in a time out" and they do it once more and no time out sometimes, and sometimes they get one...the kids are then running the show. If I say something, or DH does, then we're going to follow through. I think it's more the inconsistency that gets me...either follow through or don't.

Thank you, it is reassuring to see someone else with much the same feelings, it made me feel better.

hey, no prob. You're not the first person I've talked to about this (in RL and on here), and I'm always here if you need to talk. (PM if you want.) It's scary, but something I was talking with a RL friend about...who knew someone that really shouldn't have kids and was pg. She basically had nothing ready. (Baby was taken away and that's a good thing; long story, not going to go into it.) She was also like, when we need it, it will be there. I mean, she was about to go into labour and they didn't have diapers! And like only 3 sleepers and nothing else...I'm not even sure they had a crib or anything! She was really not ready to be a mother (in this case, she never will be I think), and we just went, because we know we're not ready, we know that there's a lot to get and be prepared for, we're more ready than her.

I think if you know that you're 'not ready', basically meaning that you know it's going to be life changing, and you're not sure how much is going to change and are scared about, but realize that the 'sacrifice' is worth it (it's not like you'll never get more toys for yourself, or never get to have hours of time to read, just not in the first few years when baby arrives! ) to hold your child, then I think you are ready. Scared, yes. Ready, yes. It changes your life, but I think you'll be a great Mom and your OH will be a great Dad. The fact that you've thought about all of this and still realize that although you're scared you want to go ahead and share your love with the next member of your family, tells me (in my case too) that you're ready to be a family of three...or four...or five...

 

[Moraine]

I think part of it also is that I've waited so long. I always said I would have a baby before I was 25, so I wouldn't be too old when they were older. And I WAS ready at that time. But finacially things were too bad to be able to at that time. So I dreamed of the day I could. After several years I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't have any, but then the nephew came along and got my clock ticking in overdrive. I think all those years worrying about finances are ingrained in my brain, and I'm just having a hard time with the decision. My husband and I decided that if we wait until the finances are just so, we would never have a baby. I guess we figured that if we do get pregnant, it would be just the kick in the butt we both need to make ourselves "grow up". We are both a little loose with money, so that was one of my worries.

I do know that if I do become pregnant soon I would be very happy. My husband and I have had names picked for many years now, and I'm anxious to use them!

Thank you for all of your opinions, I am feeling a little better right now with regards to our decision.

 

[dakini]

I won't make this one a monster post...I promise!

I'm glad we were able to help.

Like I said, before, I think you will an awesome Mom and DH will be a fabulous Dad. I think you've thought about everything and realize it will be a change, but a welcome one.

 

[Moraine]

I think if you know that you're 'not ready', basically meaning that you know it's going to be life changing, and you're not sure how much is going to change and are scared about, but realize that the 'sacrifice' is worth it (it's not like you'll never get more toys for yourself, or never get to have hours of time to read, just not in the first few years when baby arrives! ) to hold your child, then I think you are ready. Scared, yes. Ready, yes. It changes your life, but I think you'll be a great Mom and your OH will be a great Dad. The fact that you've thought about all of this and still realize that although you're scared you want to go ahead and share your love with the next member of your family, tells me (in my case too) that you're ready to be a family of three...or four...or five...

Aww, I'm going to start crying! Man my hormones are messed up since I came off the pills! Yeah I'm going to blame everything on hormones lol! *sniff*
I feel alot better about this now. It really has helped to know that I'm not alone in feeling scared. I do realize that I will be giving alot up and that it is a life changing event, I see that from watching my sister. But she tells me it is worth it, and I can see it is when she picks her son up and he gives her a wet, drooly kiss!

 

[Mojo]

don't worry a lot of people feel this way, i honestly think you will never feel completely ready, 'we should get a bigger house first, we should get another car, save more $$ first' there will always be more to do. i just decided to go for it as i know i will adjust once it happens.

it's strange though as a few times af has been a day late and i have that feeling that i could actually be pregnant, i'm get kind of scared like 'uh oh, what i have done!!' i think it something that you can't even comprehend until you become pg.

good luck you will be fine and a great parent :0

 

[Moraine]

Thanks Mojo.

 

[diva4180]

I agree with what everyone else is saying one way or another...you never feel completely ready. When I got pregnant the first time around with my 5 year old, I was only 21, a kid really, and at a really unsure point in my life, but I NEVER had any doubt in my mind that I wanted him, I loved him instantly. I was scared beyond belief and I remember upon bringing him home just watching him sleep in the car seat and thinking to myself "My God he's SO SMALL!" I was a nervous wreck, but it falls naturally into place I think. Having him inspired me to not only go back to college to finish my degree, but also to be a better person in general. Now at almost 28 years old, I worry too, about how he would react to a new baby in the house after being an only child so far, how he would accept it. I worry about affording it, and the list goes on and on. I like to think about it this way: It's like standing by a pool on a really hot day and the water's a little cold, but you know once you just go for it and jump in it will be really refreshing and worth it (although refreshing cold water and a baby can't really compare lol!). Anyway, hope what I said made sense and helps a little. And the fact that you question this is a good thing, and whenever you are blessed with a little one, you'll be a great parent, so good luck to you!

 

[avistar]

My DH's grandfather told us once, that if you wait until you are financially ready to have children, you will never have any....so true! I believe that all of us have these feelings...but I just ask myself, what does my heart say? You can follow your head for only so long. Our paths are made for us, we just need to decide when to turn left or right....

 

[AquaDementia]

umm, i am 22 weeks pregnant, 25 and not sure if i am ready.
too late for that now, eh?

 

[TrixieLox]

Strange cos I actually think you have to be sure to start trying. I thought I'd wanna start trying as soon as me and OH got hitched but I wasn't at all. 4 months later, things changed and I am 100% ready. So I have decided to start trying. If I'd started trying back in June, when I wasn't so sure, I'd feel like I wasn't being truthful to myself.

But it's down to the inividual. To be honest, if you can get through the sometimes difficult TTC stage (watching for symptoms, waiting for the positives etc etc) without giving up, you are ready.

If you're not sure though, what's the harm in waiting till you are?! x

 

[Samantha675]

Trixie, wait till you get a BFP, your 100% sinks like stone! I have never had such a happy and totally terrified moment in my life! It was awesome.

 

[TrixieLox]

Trixie, wait till you get a BFP, your 100% sinks like stone! I have never had such a happy and totally terrified moment in my life! It was awesome.

That's exactly what my OH says! He reckons when I find out I'm PG, I'll be like 'O sh*t, this is happening waaaaay toooooo fast'! x