Anyone help? advice truly appreciated

[blessedbylove]

Hi ladies,

A close friend of mine recently lost her baby at 8 weeks pregnant. She was rushed to hospital last night and the sad news was confirmed today. I am extremely sad for her and just dont know what to do.

The problem I have is I am full term pregnant about to give birth any day now so I am probably the last person she would want to have around (even though I wish I could help). We were supposed to catch up today for lunch but didnt for obvious reasons. What was going to be such a happy day turned out to be our worst nightmare.

We were excited for each other (both being pregnant) and had plans on our little ones being friends. We even had nicknames for each others babies and recently I even sent her a card with an ultra sound photo of my bub and addressed the card to her, her husband and her baby (baby's nickname). I am also in complete shock that her baby has now gone and truly understand that it was her child that has now died.

I have read the thread on what NOT to say but I was just wondering if any of you beautiful ladies have any advice of what I could do or say (if anything).
I want so much to be sensitive and to do the right thing. To be honest i am really struggling with the sadness too and almost feel guilty that things are working out for me.

I am not sure if I should even ring to tell her when I have my baby or if that will be like a knife in a wound for her? But if i dont ring her then she'll probably feel shut out? I am not sure if i should stay away or if that would also be hurtful.

I have been thinking of maybe sending some flowers... i really dont know.
Please give me honest advice and if you honestly feel i should stay away then i will understand as i know i cant possibly understand the saddness she must be feeling.

thanks for your help ladies.

hugs to you all

 

[newegg]

Send her some flowers, at least she will know your thinking of her.

 

[Wilfbown]

That's a really difficult one and understand how awkward you must feel. I can only tell you how I felt...I had a mmc discovered at 12 weeks. My best friend was 4 weeks ahead of me in pregnancy. I know she meant well but at the time I didn't want to see her...or more, I didn't want to see her bump. I had message after message after phone call from people and I didn't want it. I just wanted to be left alone.
She'd complain about feeling tired or her aching back and all I wanted to do was shout back and say 'at least you're having a healthy baby'. I was pleased for her but it still hurt.
I'll be honest with you, my feelings like this lasted until I became pregnant again but on the day she announced the arrival of her LO, I sobbed my heart out.
In one way, I wanted everyone to carry on as normal after my mc but on the other hand, I didn't want to forget it. Only one person said to me how difficult it must be for me having a pregnant friend at the time. My friend doesn't know I felt like this.
I think that you are an amazing friend, even thinking to ask us how you should best handle the situation. You know your friend best...I hope my experience helps you in some way decide what you will do. A simple 'thinking of you' note may be all that is needed.
All the best with your LO!

 

[Mom2mmcjg]

Send her flowers, make her a meal. All the meals and little tokens I received after my loss were a huge blessing. Give her a week or so, then ask her how she'd like you to proceed with news about your pregnancy and baby.
I know many women can't stand to even see a pregnant woman, but many women can. My friend and I both went through this situation with eachother. She had a loss while I was pregnant and I lost my baby while she was pregnant. What worked for us is just honestly and openly asking. I would have been very hurt had she stopped talking to me about her baby, and when she lost her baby she said she really wanted to continue talking about my baby. We were able to be there for eachother and now we're both pregnant again and doing great. She's a good friend, so just ask.

 

[blessedbylove]

Thanks so much for your help and advice. I text her this morning just to say I was thinking of her and she hasnt responded. I didnt expect her to.

I guess all I can do is be there and try to be as understanding as possible- and not expect too much too soon. I just hope in time she will be ok.

Thank you again for taking the time to help me figure out how to be a support.

Lots of love
xoxoxooxo

 

[Bride2b]

I think its great that you have asked for help. I think the worst thing to do would be avoid her. I would text her everyday, to say you are thinking of her and if there is anything you can do. If you are a close friend I am sure she will be delighted when your bubba arrives.

I couldnt stand seeing pregnant women when I lost my baby, BUT my cousin was pregnant and 2 weeks behind me, the last thing I could have done was shut her out, and actually was delighted to see her belly growing.

I found it hardest when new pregnancies were announced rather than ones I knew about. Although having said that as these new babies are born who have been concieved since my loss is does make me sad that mine should have been here.

I am pregnant again - and that has made seeing pregnant women 100% easier - I dont feel so much resentment.

I would approach your friend and just be honest, you obviously care about her loads, and given time the mc will not be so raw xx

 

[ThinkPositiv]

my beastie found out she was pregnant days after my D&C.....she didnt tell me because of it and i was sad....it would have hurt to know, but I would have loved to have known....she told me once she started MCing.... I was devestated for her.

i got pregnant again shortly after her MC....and I havent told her. i will, once we see the heartbeat....but in person. i think she will be super happy for me....jelous of course...its only natural, but happy for me mostly. i have sent her flowers and cards and we talk via text alot...but i gather from the lack of jumping to meet me for lunch she just wants space...

she is your friend. she will want to know when your baby is born, despite the terrible time she is going through now. give her her space while letting her know you are there for her when she needs you. MC's are terrible...i dont wish them on my worst enemey

 

[Viperbunny]

First, congrats on your baby, and I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through. You are obviously a sensitive, caring person, and that helps. I lost my daughter 6 days after birth to trisomy 18 and it was hard to be around people. Every pregnancy announcement I saw killed me. I was happy for them, but it seemed like everyone was having babies and it reminded me that my daughter wasn't here anymore. I had a friend who was pregnant at the same time, but she knew from 5 months her baby wasn't going to make it. I wanted her baby to be okay, I wanted the doctor to be wrong. I needed it, and when her baby passed, it was like it happened all over again.

Just be there for her. If she needs to be alone, let her be. If she needs to talk, then be there for her. Just be patient with her. It could take some time. She may not want to see your baby, or she may feel more of a need to be around your baby. Everyone handles loss differently.

I am so sorry all this is happening to you and your friend. I hope all goes well for you and your baby