Apologizing to childhood friend.. 15 years later?

[daneuse27]

Between the ages of 11-12, I had this wonderful friend who I was inseparable with. She was and still is a great person.

Basically the story is that when we were about 12 years old, she hurt my feelings by a few things she had said (unintentionally.) I at the time was very insecure, had issues and also had a bad home life. I fostered this anger towards her for months over comments she had made about my weight vs. hers, or how I wasn't skinny, or something. Can't remember exactly.

In anger, I decided to vent it all out by writing her a long letter about everything I was feeling. In the letter, I very much hurt her feelings. I don't remember the specifics about what I said, but I remember suggesting something about how if I was the fat one of the two of us, then she was the ugly one ... can't believe I would be like that, but I guess that was my angry, confused, stupid 12 year old self!

Although we remained friends, our friendship was never really the same after that and eventually it faded. We now have eachother on facebook and just send birthday greetings, like eachother's photos, etc. So we don't talk anymore.

Sometimes though, I still get moments where I feel terrible about that horrible letter I wrote and I realize the damage it caused. I know that we're never going to be close friends again, but I sometimes wonder whether I should reach out and say sorry. (I probably said sorry over a decade ago, or right after it happened -can't remember.) But the guilt from it still eats away at me. Is that ridiculous? Would it be silly to write her a msg on facebook saying that even though its been forever, I apologize?

 

[SoBlessedMama]

I don't think it is ridiculous at all. I mean, 12 year old girls are 12 year old girls...but still, if you still have feelings of guilt over it, she may still have hurt feelings over it.

There was this girl I went to middle school with, and everyone was mean to her. No reason, really--she just "didn't fit in." (Stupid, yes.) Anyway, the summer after 7th grade, her parents moved her to be homeschooled because she had such a horrible time of it.

I never did anything mean to her, but I never stuck up for her either. Anyway, 6 or 7 years ago, (I was 25 or so), I ran into her. I apologized to her for how we allowed her to be treated, and I begged her to forgive me for any role I played in making her feel so awful. She was a complete sweetheart about it, and now we are friends! We talk on the phone, go out to eat, movies, etc. We even have play dates now for our little ones.

Sorry for the rambling--but the point is, if I hadn't apologized to her, we wouldn't be where we are today. And I'm so thankful she has a forgiving heart!!! You won't ever know what can become of your friendship until you take the risk and talk to her. What do you have to lose?

 

[supertabby]

I wouldn't expect it to make your friendship closer (though maybe it would) but if it's playing on your mind so strongly then apologising may be very therapeutic. Be prepared though for her to be as honest and open though as she may be prompted to tell you she was angry/hurt etc, could you handle that?

 

[Eleanor ace]

I would apologise, I'm a big believer in apolgising and making amends for my mistakes. And like SoBlessedMama says, if you still think about it then she may too. You might apologise and find that she's forgotton all about it or you might find that it has effected her confidence ever since and that hearing that you didn't mean what you wrote might really help her. I don't think you need to make a massive deal out of it, just say that you have thought about it quite a few times and that you wanted to apologise because it was mean and untrue.

 

[daneuse27]

Thank you all for your replies.

SoBlessedMama, I can see how in your example it would make perfect sense to apologize to the girl because you ran into her. In my case though, I would be sending her facebook message out of the blue and it may come as unexpected and possibly strange that I would bring something up out of nowhere after 15 years...

So I guess my only concern is that it would seem odd and bizarre to her that I would still be thinking about it, because she's probably long forgotten it. Should I still do it? Would you ladies appreciate it if you were in her shoes? I know that I would... but that's just me.

I also may need help on wording my message to her, if anyone has suggestions I'm all ears.

 

[MrsPear]

I don't think you have anything to lose! I think it would be therapeutic to finally lay it to rest. x

 

[stellaluna431]

Thank you all for your replies.

SoBlessedMama, I can see how in your example it would make perfect sense to apologize to the girl because you ran into her. In my case though, I would be sending her facebook message out of the blue and it may come as unexpected and possibly strange that I would bring something up out of nowhere after 15 years...

So I guess my only concern is that it would seem odd and bizarre to her that I would still be thinking about it, because she's probably long forgotten it. Should I still do it? Would you ladies appreciate it if you were in her shoes? I know that I would... but that's just me.

I also may need help on wording my message to her, if anyone has suggestions I'm all ears.

So this is crazy, but this reminds me of my best friend & I from around the same time period. We both had a hard home life and she wrote me a similar letter, saying that I might be thinner than she was but she'd always be the pretty one. I was anorexic and she knew I had major body image issues. We were never close after that because it hurt a lot and was so insensitive. Now we don't talk at all, and if I see her when I'm out and about I don't even look at her. It's like we never knew each other. If she wrote me to apologize, you bet your butt it would mean a lot to me AND would probably bring us to at least the point where I could friend her on FB.

Your friend probably does remember the letter and receiving some sort of genuine apology to her would likely be a good thing. I say do it- the worse that can happen is that nothing changes and at least you have it off your chest.

 

[daneuse27]

Thank you all for your replies.

SoBlessedMama, I can see how in your example it would make perfect sense to apologize to the girl because you ran into her. In my case though, I would be sending her facebook message out of the blue and it may come as unexpected and possibly strange that I would bring something up out of nowhere after 15 years...

So I guess my only concern is that it would seem odd and bizarre to her that I would still be thinking about it, because she's probably long forgotten it. Should I still do it? Would you ladies appreciate it if you were in her shoes? I know that I would... but that's just me.

I also may need help on wording my message to her, if anyone has suggestions I'm all ears.

So this is crazy, but this reminds me of my best friend & I from around the same time period. We both had a hard home life and she wrote me a similar letter, saying that I might be thinner than she was but she'd always be the pretty one. I was anorexic and she knew I had major body image issues. We were never close after that because it hurt a lot and was so insensitive. Now we don't talk at all, and if I see her when I'm out and about I don't even look at her. It's like we never knew each other. If she wrote me to apologize, you bet your butt it would mean a lot to me AND would probably bring us to at least the point where I could friend her on FB.

Your friend probably does remember the letter and receiving some sort of genuine apology to her would likely be a good thing. I say do it- the worse that can happen is that nothing changes and at least you have it off your chest.

So sorry that your 'friend' said that to you Very mean. It is similar to what I said...

I think I must have apologized or somehow made amends at the time because we were on friendly terms for years after that (just not as close as we were prior) and then around university time we just drifted. I met up with her when we were in our early 20s, but haven't seen her since that time.

I feel so weird bringing it up after all this time and am not sure how she'll take it.

I was thinking of saying something like this:
"I know its strange to bring this up after so long, but I was recently going through all my old letters/cards from years ago and I found your reply to the awful letter I wrote. I know it is probably long forgotten now, but to this day I feel terrible for the things I said and want you to know that none of them were ever true. I am so sorry, you were a great friend back then and did not deserve any word of that letter. I know it may seem silly to apologize this far in the future for it, but I wanted you to know that I'm sorry."

Something like that? Thoughts?

 

[MrsPear]

I think that's fine. It's heartfelt without being over the top. If I received that message I would know it was genuine and I would be really touched x

 

[Eleanor ace]

Your message sounds great .
I went through something kind of similar. My best friend went through a terrible loss when she was 17 and took some of her hurt out on me. I understood but at the same time what she said and did really hurt. She stopped talking to me and then we didn't see or hear from each other for about 4 years. Then she sent me an email out of the blue apologising and saying she hadn't meant what she said. It meant a lot and we started talking again and are friends again now. I never thought we'd be friends again- we both went through a fair bit of change in the years where we didn't speak but I'm really glad she emailed me and we reconnected.

 

[Natasha2605]

I think your letter sounds great

Please let us know how it goes

 

[Bevziibubble]

That sounds like a great letter and it's lovely of you to apologise after so long

 

[SoBlessedMama]

I think that sounds very sweet and genuine. I'm betting it will mean something to her, and at the very least, you've done your part. Let us know how it goes!!

 

[daneuse27]

..... are you guys sure I should do it? I feel so nervous for some reason! I guess I'm just worried that the message from me is going to weird her out

Ive modified the letter, this is what it says now:

"Hey! I hope all is well and that you're enjoying summer.

I know this is really random and out of the blue, but I was recently going through all my old letters/cards from years ago and I found a letter from you... it was your reply to the awful letter I wrote back in 1999 (I think it was.) :/
I know it is probably long forgotten now, but to this day I feel terrible for the things I said and the way I behaved back then. I just want you to know that nothing I said was true, and it was only a reflection of my own troubledness and insecurity at the time. I had a lot of problems and took them out on a great friend.

I know it may seem really silly to apologize this far in the future for it, but I wanted you to know that!"


Thoughts? I just hope it doesnt seem desperate and weird of me to be bringing this up after so many years. At the same time though, maybe she would appreciate the gesture... I dont know..

 

[SoBlessedMama]

I don't think it sounds desperate at all. I think it is very sweet, and the way you have re-written in definitely sounds a bit more light and nonchalant, which is probably what you were going for. I think it will mean a lot to her--I know it would to me. I say go for it--either it helps heal and repair something (which would be amazing!) or she will laugh it off as an old hurt that she got over a long time ago. Either way, you've got nothing to lose by sending her the message. I don't see any way that such a friendly message could weird anyone out, or damage anything. : )

 

[Marie000]

I think it sounds great.

I don't think apologizing will make you sound desperate at all.
I have done something similar a few years back. There was someone who was there for me at a moment in my life when I needed help, and then after that I didn't treat him right. A few years later, it was still bothering me to think about how unfair I had been to him so I wrote him a message apologizing. He called me back and said he was really glad to hear from me, but had not idea why I was apologizing. It made me feel a bit silly, but I was glad to have that weight off my chest.
We've all done things we're not proud of at some point in our lives, and we have all had people treating us unfairly. I don't think an apology hurts in either case.

 

[Feff]

I would definitely do it. When I got pregnant my 'best friend' completely dropped me from her life, blocked me on everything, blanked me when she saw me. I wish that she would apologise now because I still think about it!

It's really lovely of you to think about doing this, even if she doesn't reply then at least you know you've tried

 

[RachA]

I don't think it'd be a weird thing to do and if it's eating away at you then it'd be good for you to apologise to her without the expectation that anything further will happen.

When you say about doing it via Facebook i assume you mean in a private message? Because if someone posted something like that on my wall i wouldn't be impressed even though it's a good thing you are doing because i would still see it as something private.

 

[Srrme]

I think you should go for it!

 

[daneuse27]

Thanks everyone, I am still working up the courage

Yes RachA, it would be a private message on facebook - not on her wall.