Appropriate clothes for 14yr old...???

[seoj]

My 14yr old SD has recently decided she likes how those "off the shoulder" shirts look... she just turned 14 in June. At first, when she asked about getting one I was like "um, no". I do feel it's a bit to "sexy" for her age... even though it's just a should, I get that, it's still seems too much for her (and she KNOWS they are sexy as she mentioned it once).

I guess truly, I'm not comfortable with a 14yr old girl wearing something she feels is sexy... if that makes sense? I know she wants to feel pretty, and cute or "in style"- but sexy??? Of course, she is down in Cali visiting my hubbies aunt and she tries one on and calls me begging to get it. And says "but aunt says it's OK!"- um, yea, she's not your parent. So I told her to send me a picture and I would think about it... but then she calls again begging and basically driving me nuts... so I flat out say "no", I'm not having this conversation right now... and she's not too happy, but I figure we'll discuss it further when she comes home in a week.

Then the next day she calls me again all sweet and nice... lol... and then says "so I'm just at the store...watching my cousin by an off the shoulder shirt"... yadda yadda. (her cuz is barely 13 btw)... and I KNOW how my child operates, she is telling me this in hopes that I'll say "oh, well if she can have one then you can to"... but of course, it just irritates me more... and I'm like "well, good for her, have a great day love you!"

I go back and forth thinking we are being too strict (her dad agrees it's not appropriate for her yet)-- but then I think it's just a frickin shoulder, what's the big deal? Then I think, but it's still sexy... period. And she's only just 14 and starting 9th grade this fall...

I know we have good boundaries for her and rules... and we do allow her to do age appropriate things... we let the rules out a little at at time. Partly because we know how she is and she needs to take baby steps with things or she'll try to go all tilt bozo!!! But I guess what teenage girl wouldn't?

This isn't the first article of clothing we've had to say no to... she wants to buy micro mini skirts or shirts that are too tight... and she's this skinny little thing and looks 14... and IS 14... not 25! Usually she likes to dress in jeans and a t-shirt... cute, but still comfy casual... but of course, seeing other kids where these "in style" clothes get's her thinking and wanting to do the same... I just don't know where to draw the line sometimes. I don't want older boys looking at her like a piece of meat ya know? I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin (which she mostly is), and know she doesn't have to dress too sexy to be beautiful. I get wanting to feel sexy (when your older)... but there is a fine line. The worst my parents had to worry about when I was her age where tight jeans! lol.

Honest opinions please... thanks ladies

 

[Tiffyx3]

Well, you know your daughter, and if you think she's not ready to wear such things, then don't let her. Although an off the shoulder top doesn't sound too bad, but maybe what i'm imagining is a lot tamer than what she's wanting! Prehaps go shopping together, maybe find a compromise?
A lot of 14 year olds wander around looking like mini-adults these days, so I think your doing the right thing, she'll regret not enjoying her youth later! She has the rest of her life to worry about looking sexy!

 

[missbaby123]

I agree that many 14 year old girls do wander around looking like mini adults and somehow there has to be a compromise between parent and daughter when choosing clothing! (But this is easier said than done as the teenage point of view can be so head strong!) My daughter tried to trick me into letting her dress inappropriately for her age using the excuse that the outfit she wanted was only going to be worn for a fancy dress party so therefor was ok because she would not actually be depicting herself at the the party, just a character.....however I did not budge and we reached a compromise by choosing an appropriate party outfit from fancydress-to-impress

 

[seoj]

Thanks for the input! I think honestly, I might have allowed this one top if she hadn't been SO pushy or mentioned the word "sexy"- lol. That just kinda got to me... I think it's something more appropriate maybe in a year or so... but she JUST turned 14... and part of the issue is that her "mom" pushes her to do grown up things WAY too early. Even in the limited time they spend together... she came home one day wearing black eye liner and a ton of makeup at 12 (oh, and fake nails with black tips?!)!!!! I would never let her wear that much- and really, she usually doesn't care... she rarely wears it at home... so in some ways I think I'm trying to keep her a kid longer cause she had to go through so much at such a young age with her mom... long long story. She's even been pressured (by her mom) to shave her "lower region" or go on Dates with boys when she was not emotionally ready to handle that type of situation. We, on the other hand, set boundaries and rules appropriate for her age... and yes, there does sometimes have to be compromise... and thankfully she's a good kid and is honest with us and can't lie or keep things from us... so the more we trust her, the more reign we let out. Within reason of course.

Anywho-- sorry for the tangent... it's never easy watching your child grow up too quick. So when she comes home from Cali- I guess we'll just have to sit and have a convo about things and see what works for us both.

Thanks again!

 

[mom22boys]

I have to say thank you first! As the mother of 2 growing boys I really have a hard time with parents who let their girls wear next to nothing. It erks the fire out of me to see girls in shorty shorts and their boobies flopping all over. OF course my boys are going to look! My grandma always said dont advertise if you dont want it sold!! LOL

NOW for my opinion on your situation, its your child do what you feel is the best! I might also have a converstion with the family and tell them that I will not let my daughter wear off the shoulder shirts and that they need to respect my choice for my child!

 

[seoj]

I have to say thank you first! As the mother of 2 growing boys I really have a hard time with parents who let their girls wear next to nothing. It erks the fire out of me to see girls in shorty shorts and their boobies flopping all over. OF course my boys are going to look! My grandma always said dont advertise if you dont want it sold!! LOL

NOW for my opinion on your situation, its your child do what you feel is the best! I might also have a converstion with the family and tell them that I will not let my daughter wear off the shoulder shirts and that they need to respect my choice for my child!

Yea, we've had to make clear our rules and boundaries for her before with grandma/aunt... as they tend to let her do what she wants and spoil her and not understand WHY we have set boundaries in place. Which is not their place to say or ask about... but when they do ask, we are honest. I feel VERY lucky that she is such a good kid and wouldn't buy something she knew we may not be OK with... I was irritated she even asked, as we just had this convo a week earlier- but least she did ask and not buy it regardless... she just pushes the limits sometimes, as all kids do. lol.

And I very much agree... I hate seeing young girls walking around with short shorts on and barely much else. It honestly sickens me to think that these girls are being looked at like sex objects when they are young teenagers!!! And not just by other young teenage boys I'm sure! I want my girl (soon to be girls)- to feel secure in their own skin and know, yes, when it's age appropriate it's Ok to be a bit sexy- but certainly not extremely so or over the top... regardless of age! But especially when they are young. It may not be fair- but people do judge a book by the cover... even if the person inside is sweet and innocent... just hard when all the shows on TV and commercials depict woman as sexy or hot or ridiculous... it's sad.

Thanks again!

 

[Lucy22]

I think that its up to you, if you don't feel she's ready, don't let her.

Just thought I'd give you a little insight though..It wasn't too long ago that I was 14 (8 years ago, to be exact!) and my mother was extremely strict about what I wore.

So you know what I did? I used to buy things and hide them from her. If I wanted to wear a skirt/top that she didn't approve of, I'd leave the house wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but change into my preferred clothing as soon as I got outside in a public rest room. I'm not proud of it, and I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just trying to let you know that if she feels really strongly about it and you won't compromise, she might go behind your back.
Then again, she might not be as deceitful as I was

Also, 14 year olds aren't as innocent as they used to be. Your SD sounds like a really nice girl, who is just exploring who she is. I started dating my DH when I was 14. It was a very innocent relationship for the first 2 yrs, but all the same.
Girls are growing up quicker and quicker

Hope that helped and you and your SD can find a happy medium as regards to her fashion choices!

 

[seoj]

I think that its up to you, if you don't feel she's ready, don't let her.

Just thought I'd give you a little insight though..It wasn't too long ago that I was 14 (8 years ago, to be exact!) and my mother was extremely strict about what I wore.

So you know what I did? I used to buy things and hide them from her. If I wanted to wear a skirt/top that she didn't approve of, I'd leave the house wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but change into my preferred clothing as soon as I got outside in a public rest room. I'm not proud of it, and I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just trying to let you know that if she feels really strongly about it and you won't compromise, she might go behind your back.
Then again, she might not be as deceitful as I was

Also, 14 year olds aren't as innocent as they used to be. Your SD sounds like a really nice girl, who is just exploring who she is. I started dating my DH when I was 14. It was a very innocent relationship for the first 2 yrs, but all the same.
Girls are growing up quicker and quicker

Hope that helped and you and your SD can find a happy medium as regards to her fashion choices!

Thanks for the input... I appreciate it all I really don't think my SD would do it anyway- first, she doesn't have the money or means to buy her own clothes yet (lol)- and 2nd, she has a HUGE guilt complex and would break and tell us the truth at some point... haha... she just cannot hide stuff from us. The one or two times she tries (with pressure from her mom)- she cracked and told us everything. Then felt SO bad she cried and cried... it was actually kinda cute. We just told her we get it, she's a teenage girl, and apt to lie from time to time... we aren't stupid. But we want to trust her and the more we do, the more freedoms she'll get.

I did tell her that we could discuss the shirt thing when she get's home and we could find a compromise. I don't want her to feel like she can't dress how she wants (to a point)- I just want it to be "age appropriate". And maybe I just wigged a bit too quickly cause of the "sexy" comment... cause the shirt really wasn't that bad. It's just SO hard to watch your child want to grow up too quickly... and we are lucky that she isn't any worse. I see some of the stuff her friends wear or how they act... and she still loves to spend time with us and snuggle and be silly and child like... but she also loves feeling like a little "adult". lol. I remember how that was.

Ok- enough of the novel... thanks!!!

 

[NuKe]

i dont have a teenage daughter (yet!) but just wanted to say that i agree that it is "just a shoulder" ...BUT (and this is a very big BUT), it will still attract sexual attention. after all, it's "just a stomach" and "just a leg" but in society today its really NOT "just" these things. it is sexy. and she is 14. it's entirely your decision, obviously, but I do think you need to make a decision and stick to your guns!

ETA: what about taking her shopping and getting her some really pretty age-appropriate clothes? so she still feels nice and you are happy with it?

 

[seoj]

i dont have a teenage daughter (yet!) but just wanted to say that i agree that it is "just a shoulder" ...BUT (and this is a very big BUT), it will still attract sexual attention. after all, it's "just a stomach" and "just a leg" but in society today its really NOT "just" these things. it is sexy. and she is 14. it's entirely your decision, obviously, but I do think you need to make a decision and stick to your guns!

ETA: what about taking her shopping and getting her some really pretty age-appropriate clothes? so she still feels nice and you are happy with it?

When she get's home from Cali- we'll do more shopping and find clothes that are age appropriate... cause yes, it is just a shoulder, but I still feel even that is a bit sexy for 14~! And good point about just the tummy or just the leg... it can all be looked at in a sexual way by boys!!! I see that too much when I walk around the malls!!! It's scary.

And I do stick to my guns on pretty much everything... but sometimes, as a parent, you do 2nd guess yourself... like am I being too hard? But she has plenty of time when she get's older to dress how she wants... and we only have control for so long... and sometimes it feels time is running out!

Thanks for your input... it's nice to know I'm not alone in my thinking. LOL. I don't want to be TOO strict... and yes, sometimes there needs to be compromise... but other times, not so much! haha. We are the parents after all.

 

[TaylorsMummyx]

i think i would let her wear it. But depends where too tbh. might change opinon when my dd is 14 lol

 

[mazzalooo]

i had the same problem with my daughter who is now 16 but she turned 14 and wanted makeup hair extensions everything to make her look older i was upset because she's your baby girl! anyhow.. i said no or ill consider it and she forgot about it ... oh i thought she did! i gave her money every week for house chores because she had some great friends to go out places and everything was local swimming,cinemas e.t.c until one day i was cleaning her room and the stuff i found was unbelievable a stash of clothes and makeup! when we had the discussion about it, it broke my heart she was so sad she lied to me as she to NEVER lied! sorry for going on but she was almost 15 and i felt like i suffocated her she wasn't independent and in the UK it was her year for exams and choosing what she was going to do after school and she didn't have a clue because i was always watching over her! still now she wont come out in shorts or skirts because of me and i feel like ive knocked her confidence. god sorry for going on haha ! but still im so protective like most mums but try to be reasonable and maybe get her some clothes that are older but not revealing if that makes sense? hope everything gets sorted im sure she is lovely xxx

 

[Feltzy]

I completely agree if you feel its inappropriate for her age then its best to stick to your guns, but compromise on something else. Have you thought about maybe letting her get one but only letting her wearing it with a camisole or something underneath?

I think taking her shopping is a really good idea, I'm sure she'll see something else she loves thats more appropriate.

 

[deafgal]

She can wear a tank top with it.

 

[deafgal]

I usually give out tips to my nieces that the secret of wearing makeup is to look like you are not wearing any makeup so your natural beauty can shine through

 

[iceylou]

as others have said you know her best. def the shopping idea is a good one and also a strappy top under it. im dreading when nicole gets to that age. i have a 14 yr old son and i have seen some of his friends girlfriends - omg if they were my daughters i would tear them in home by the hair. i know girls are growing up etc but seriously one of them in particular might have been naked. short shorts(would have made kylie minogues look like a full length pants) and a bikini top, this is what she wore for the whole summer, if it got cold she would wear a hoodie.

 

[FiNZ]

Hi there, I have a 12 (nearly 13 year old) daughter. She wears denim cut-offs all the time during summer, and whilst I think she looks gorgeous, any guy who looks at her the wrong way is the one with a problem, because a 12 year old isn't 'sexy' in my opinion, EVER! So what I'm trying to say is that I don't think because of some perverted people, I shouldn't let my daughter wear a pair of shorts. So I have the same opinion about an off-the-shoulder top. I know you have concerns, but I would never want my child to be the one whose mother still dresses her like a 10 year old. She's 14! I know she's not an adult yet, but 14 comes with responsibilities and expectations, and I am guessing she's not babied and you have certain expectations of her relevant to her age? I just think it works both ways. Just because she wears a 'sexy' top (her words - and it's just a word to kids that age), doesn't mean she's suddenly going to be attracting all the wrong kind of attention and changing her attitude and behaviour!

So what I'm trying to say is that I disagree with you forbidding her. You of course need boundaries, but I'm pretty sure there could be far worse things she could be begging to do or wear!