Ashamed...who have I become? Desperate plea for help

[Marzipan_girl]

I'm in desperate need of help right now...I am at the end of my tether and feel I am cracking up. I don't know who to turn to or what to do.

I have had the most bizzaire pregnancy right from the beginning really. I guess the moment I found out I was pregnant should have forshadowed all the difficulties to come.
My boyfriend of broke up with me when I told him I was pregnant and wouldn't have an abortion. He did everything in his strength to make me have one...called me everything under the sun and only kept contact because I threatened with the CSA.
Sometime around 16 weeks when I had my gender scan (not sure if thats relevant or not...but he seemed quite thrilled it was a boy)he realised that whether he liked it or not, he was going to be a father. It was up to him to make the most out of it and be there for his son or just ignore it and live with that decision for the rest of his life.
He started talking to me again, and we started becoming really close. I was so happy at the change...he chose the name, started talking to my tummy...seemed actually optimistic about it all. I started spending almost all my time at his house because I felt safe with him and we got on really well most of the time. And even though he said we wouldn't ever end up together again, we basically acted as if we were in a relationship. He even said he loved me and Rory (our unborn son).

So the 1st trimester was horrendous. The 2nd was great. Then came the 3rd. I suffer from terrible depression and anxiety. As the pregnancy progressed so has my anxiety, and I started demanding alot more from him. I felt scared to be away from him, and wanted to be at his house all the time. He wanted space to do whatever with his friends. I felt angry and resentful, because I felt since i'm carrying his child, and we are in this together, he should be there for me.
At first I put up with it, and didn't say anything to avoid seeming so needy. But the last few weeks have been crazy. I don't even know myself anymore. I've become a madwoman and have driven him away completely. First with emotional blackmail ("I'm so depressed how can you do this to me!") and then progressing to outright blackmail. ("if you don't look after me you will never see your son, and I will be contacting the CSA!") It came to the latter when I was in hospital last week due to heavy bleeding. I wanted him to visit me...he did a bit then said he didn't want to drive all the way to the hospital and back as it would be 3 hours of his day wasted when he needed to do his work for his masters degree. Then I wanted to be picked up when I was discharged and he said he would...untill the last minute he told me to get a cab as he needed to work.
What pissed me off is he expected me to pay £70 for a cab so he could to his work rather than pick me up, yet the next night he went out drinking from half 6 untill the next day!
I was so upset, but I know it didn't warrant such blackmail. I shouldn't have said he couldn't see his son.

He has a holiday booked for vegas next week for 2 weeks. Because of the bleeding, the hospital want to induce me at 36 weeks on Monday. He told me all along he would be there for the birth and would cancel it if his son came early. Now he's gone back on his word. He says he hates me now, despises me. Says he wishes he never met me and i'm easily the worst thing that has ever happened to him. So now he's going anyway.
I asked him why he would do that, choose to go to vegas over his sons birth. He told me because it wouldn't affect Rory in anyway, the only reason I want him there is for myself. So I told him to piss off, and stay out of our lives.
He has now said...."fine...I cannot cope with this manipulation anymore. If this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life, then I cannot be involved in Rory's life. I will not sacrafice everything I have worked for to end up a bitter man fighting to see his son."

So here I am. A total wreck...crying my eyes out and not sure where to turn. I know I shouldn't have expected so much from someone who isn't my husband or even boyfriend...but he gave me reason to expect it with his promises. I felt safe knowing he was there. Now he isn't. I don't know what to do. I've driven him away and now my son doesn't have a dad. And I don't have anyone. Only my mum...who I am greatful for but all I really want is support from my childs father. All my friends are off to uni...i'm having a baby on my own.

I really don't know where to go from here. I know I am wrong. I know I have said the wrong things and used my child as a pawn to get what I wanted for my own emotional needs. And now it's too late. I have been in bed all day crying...wanting to die. I feel so alone. All I want is for him to call me and say he will be there...
but now he hates me and wont be. How can I get through this? How can I feel better? I want to die!!!

 

[polo_princess]

Oh dear

"Issues" aside, surely he knows/knew that you suffer with anxiety problems and stuff if he was a long term partner so surely he could have granted you a little more patience and understanding?

If i were you i would plan a future for you and your LO to go it alone, plenty of women do it and do just a fabulous job. Concentrate on making and stable life for you and LO and let him go get on with his own life hun. Dont go running to him and certainley dont go begging, he has laid his cards out on the table, so leave him be. Chance are if he see's that you are doing just fine then he will end up wanting some involvement with LO

Its just such an intense situation, there needs to be a little cooling off time even if its not very practical right now

 

[jollygood000]

Thats a really difficult situation to be in, its really hard to be able to draw a line and say how much of this is magnified by the fact that you are heavily pregnant and obviously having a really rough time.

There is nothing you can do to stop him from going away if thats what he wants (my sons dad had planned on working the summer in magaluf when i fell pregnant and he literally did a runner to escape being a dad) you know that he will want to see his son when he returns and you never know what will come of it, its so easy to dish out threats when you feel like you are going to lose something that means so much. I wish there was something I could say to make it easier on you.

Maybe just try talking to him and blaming it on being pregnant and hyper emotional because of the problems you are having and being worried about baby etc, maybe if you can calm the situation down you can have a good talk about things? x

 

[lexi88]

TBH huni a man wont be pushed away from his child if he didnt want to.
Does that make sence.. if he dont have nothing to do with lil man it wasnt YOU who done it HE did.Im sorry no advice just hugs

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

Oh sweetie: hugs: pregnancy can br hard enough with out this added stress. Your goings to be an amazing mum. Chin up sweetheart.
Xx

 

[Cookie1979]

Firstly I think you are putting too much blame on yourself, I think his treatment of you (whether good or bad) has got you to this point, and I think anybody in your situation would be the same. He made you believe that he wanted to be a dad and he gave you hope that perhaps there could be something more between you again, perhaps not with words but with actions. Unfortunately though he is showing where his priorities lie, and I do think his actions are selfish, I'm sure he will say he didn't choose this, but it takes two to tango and perhaps if it had been him carrying the baby he wouldn't have felt like he did about abortion. Its very easy for someone to say get rid of it, but if he had to do it himself I think he would feel very different. Dont blame yourself, you chose to keep your baby because it was the right thing to do, and being pregnant you wanted the father of your baby to want it too, to give you support to actually care. No one can blame you for that, its perfectly natural.

Now you are faced with giving birth without him, and he's not willing to change his plans so I think you need to face that while he is willing to be the father thats as far as it will go, and with his attitude the responsibility of being a dad starts when he chooses not when the baby is born, which personally I think is wrong. Time to concentrate on you and your baby, because thats what is important, if you keep clinging to him with expectations you will only continue to upset yourself and thats not good for you or your baby.

See your doctor, talk about how you have been feeling, get some help, dont let it fester and make you feel worse, you dont want to risk postnatal depression so speak to someone straight away.

All the best.

 

[ttc_lolly]

Haven't got any advice hun just sending u hugs and I wanted to mirror what the other ladies have said - ok, u shouldn't of said some of the things u said BUT when ppl r hurt & upset things can just leave ur mouth before u even know it! We are all guilty of doing this at one point or another. But at the same time, this guy has been very selfish, shallow and thinking of himself from the very beginning... so he's never been solid or a good support system, so him doing this wouldn't come as a surprise to me.

I think u need to just think about Rory now, and yourself. The main relationship to concentrate & focus on here is mother & baby U will be fine, no matter what. Might not seem like it now, but u will hunni xx

 

[Marzipan_girl]

Girls I can't explain just how much your answers mean to me. It's such a relief to hear your viewpoints on my situation x x x

 

[polo_princess]

Even if he isnt going to be there believe me it will be his loss. Dont let it ruin the most special time of your life.

You cant make him do/say things he doesnt want to or feel, so dont beat yourself up about it and concentrate on enjoying your last few weeks of peace and quiet while you still can