At my wits end - how to get fiancé to help/parent!

[pradabooties]

Sorry for the vent, I'm so annoyed right now. It's 12.30pm and my OH is still asleep in bed... I've tried to wake him up at least 10 times since 8am and he just goes back to sleep. I asked him in advance to get up at a reasonable hour to watch our 3 month old so I could shower and vacuum and he went to bed at midnight, not exceptionally late, so there's literally no excuse. Worst still he fell asleep on the couch then came to bed last night... When I got up with the baby at 6am he had left all the lights on, the tv on and dirty dishes in the lounge. I'm so at my wits end, he hasn't helped and has slept in every day since the day our baby was born. I've asked him to help countless times and even had emotional breakdowns crying and begging for his help and still he's the same. I had a very traumatic emergency c-section and when I got home I still had to do everything for the baby plus clean and cook while he played video games and slept in. I'm seriously starting to hate him for the first time in our 8 year relationship and I don't know what to do. I can't just leave him with the baby and go out to force him to help because I'm having trouble pumping milk lately and he literally wouldn't even know how to get her to nap. We're going away on a short vacation tomorrow and I know I need to address this, I think it'll be better on holiday when we're relaxed and have quality time together because if I said how I'm feeling now it would definitely turn into a fight because I have a lot of anger! Any ideas for how to bring this up in a way that will actually make him listen?!

 

[SpringCrane]

That sounds really hard! I would be very upset, too! The only advice I can give is generic couples communication tips... Discuss when you aren't actively pissed off... Be ready to offer solutions/tips/ideas... Use critique sandwiches (compliment, critique, another compliment)... Be prepared to listen to what he has to say without attacking him... Avoid saying "you always/never/etc" but give specific examples...

It's hard for the guy to get involved with baby if he can't help feed at this age (obviously he can hold/change/etc, but that's likely his argument. Regardless of that, he should be vacuuming and cleaning while you feed or snuggle baby. Just make sure he knows, too, that he'll only get good at taking care of his daughter by practicing. No one knows how to parent without just figuring it out with time spent parenting.

 

[Natasha2605]

That sounds awful. What does he say about his actions- or lack of!?

I cannot believe how unsupportive he is being- he ought to be ashamed!

 

[pradabooties]

Thanks girls, that's definitely what I need to focus on springcrane - bringing it up without sounding like attacking him, which will be hard! I am a bit passive so it's very bottled up and I'm ready to explode lol.

Natasha he basically apologises and admits he is lazy / finds it difficult to find the motivation to clean and promises to help more... Then doesn't. He finally got up at 1pm today and said "that was a good sleep, I needed that!" To which I handed him the baby and walked straight to the bathroom to have a shower to avoid yelling at him that I could really do with not waking up at 5/6am every day! He even called out to me "don't be grumpy with me"...oh boy!

 

[george83]

My oh was like this after ds1 was born, ds1 is now 4 1/2 and we've since had 2 other children and my oh still doesn't do anything to help. I try and give him options - like he's a child - do you want to wash up or tidy the bedroom or even just do you want to wash up or watch the children while I wash up which does sometimes help but he just doesn't seem to see the jobs that need doing in the same way that I do. He does really irritate me when he moans about doing the things I do most days (I got home from work on Thursday after picking the kids up from child care at 6.15 and literally got them all straight in the bath and ready for bed but last night ds3 needed a bath as he dirt on his face and in his hair but oh simply insisted on cleaning it with a baby wipe as if that's the same) but I've given up trying to fight him now.

 

[Natasha2605]

Thanks girls, that's definitely what I need to focus on springcrane - bringing it up without sounding like attacking him, which will be hard! I am a bit passive so it's very bottled up and I'm ready to explode lol.

Natasha he basically apologises and admits he is lazy / finds it difficult to find the motivation to clean and promises to help more... Then doesn't. He finally got up at 1pm today and said "that was a good sleep, I needed that!" To which I handed him the baby and walked straight to the bathroom to have a shower to avoid yelling at him that I could really do with not waking up at 5/6am every day! He even called out to me "don't be grumpy with me"...oh boy!

Honestly it sounds like he is fully aware he is taking the piss. You've said yourself you are a bit passive and it sounds like he's become so used to that that now he doesn't "bother".

How you kept calm enough when he said he needed that sleep I have no idea. I'd tell him this evening that in the morning you'll wake him and X o'clock and what you need from him the following day.

I couldn't deal with that. Makes me thankful my OH is the complete opposite. Me and baby didn't come downstairs till after 9am yesterday and in that time he'd gave breakfast to our other two and done the washing and cleaning.

 

[MumToEva]

Trying to talk to him clearly isn't working - I think you need to be a lot firmer about what you need from him. For example, him having his lie in depends on you looking after the baby during that time surely? If so, I'd tell him (not ask, tell) the night before that tomorrow morning you are going to be doing some housework first thing, so aside from breast-feeding the baby, you will be leaving the baby in the bedroom with him. He won't sleep too long if the baby starts shouting. And give him choices as to what he wants to do that don't involve doing nothing "The dishwasher needs emptied and the baby needs bathed, which would you like to do?"

The longer you let him get away with things, the more you are going to resent him. Make him change his ways now, while there's still a relationship to salvage!

 

[weedle]

Although my other half is great when I'm at work ect. If I'm there he expects me to do everything. I give choices like the other ladies who have commented 'do you want to walk the dog or put the kids to bed?' 'Do you want to mop the floors or change the baby?' It works pretty well

 

[loeylo]

Honestly, id give him choices too. Tidy up or leave!

I have this sometimes with my OH. He does suffer from depression, but he is a lot better than he has been now. I kicked off on one yesterday as I left him with a contented baby kicking on her mat while I cleaned the kitchen (as in deep cleaned, emptying cupboards and the fridge to clean inside) - I heard the wee one crying and he was literally ignoring her! Grr!

This isn't the 1950s, if he doesn't pull his weight then are you really benefitting from him being around?

 

[zorak]

That sounds really hard! I would be very upset, too! The only advice I can give is generic couples communication tips... Discuss when you aren't actively pissed off... Be ready to offer solutions/tips/ideas... Use critique sandwiches (compliment, critique, another compliment)... Be prepared to listen to what he has to say without attacking him... Avoid saying "you always/never/etc" but give specific examples...

It's hard for the guy to get involved with baby if he can't help feed at this age (obviously he can hold/change/etc, but that's likely his argument. Regardless of that, he should be vacuuming and cleaning while you feed or snuggle baby. Just make sure he knows, too, that he'll only get good at taking care of his daughter by practicing. No one knows how to parent without just figuring it out with time spent parenting.

Honestly I think saying it's hard for men to help at this stage is utter rubbish. I breastfed both my boys and my husband was very involved from day one. He basically did everything else apart from feed them. That included assisting during the night.

 

[SpringCrane]

That sounds really hard! I would be very upset, too! The only advice I can give is generic couples communication tips... Discuss when you aren't actively pissed off... Be ready to offer solutions/tips/ideas... Use critique sandwiches (compliment, critique, another compliment)... Be prepared to listen to what he has to say without attacking him... Avoid saying "you always/never/etc" but give specific examples...

It's hard for the guy to get involved with baby if he can't help feed at this age (obviously he can hold/change/etc, but that's likely his argument. Regardless of that, he should be vacuuming and cleaning while you feed or snuggle baby. Just make sure he knows, too, that he'll only get good at taking care of his daughter by practicing. No one knows how to parent without just figuring it out with time spent parenting.

Honestly I think saying it's hard for men to help at this stage is utter rubbish. I breastfed both my boys and my husband was very involved from day one. He basically did everything else apart from feed them. That included assisting during the night.

My husband also, but I've seen friends' husbands struggle with bonding and that serms to affect their tendency to contribute equally. I'm not OKing her OH's behavior, but she also isn't alone. I have a friend who is just now becoming successful at getting her husband to properly contribute to the household and parenting, and their child is 2.5. It took counseling to make a difference.

 

[RaspberryK]

Sounds like manchild syndrome to me and you're enabling him. I lived with it for a long time and I won't be putting up with it ever again.
It's pull his weight or shove off I'm afraid. X

 

[tiffanyvd87]

I have been at my wits end too. I think more women go through this now a days and the men that step up and act like a father are a rare breed. My daughter has just turned one and I have gone back to work. My hubby has just started changing her diapers and that is only because I am not there. Through the entire time I was off work with our daughter, I did everything from cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids and pets, etc. His only job was to come home from work and eat a hot meal. I would often be so frustrated I would vent to him, he would apologize, make a little effort but it would always go back to me doing it all and him either falling asleep from a hard days work or doing what ever it is he does in the garage.
I ended up leaving a chore list the other night for him. I never left the house a write off when he came home from work. I think its only fair that I come home to the same clean environment.
I could go on and on but in the end, my hubby came around. Even though it was basically forced as I had no choice but to return to work.
You need to be firm with your husband. Tell him you're going out for a while, to take care of the child and you'll be back in a couple of hours

 

[pradabooties]

Hi ladies, thanks for your replies. Things are a bit better thankfully... Not perfect but now when he has days off he takes the baby so I can shower and rest and do things around the house. He's also started cleaning and tidying up after himself... 90% of the time at least! So it's not amazing but it's a vast improvement and has been stable for a few weeks now.

Just in response to bonding being a factor - my Bub and OH are VERY bonded so he doesn't have that excuse haha. She goes crazy over him and he's obsessed with her, it's pure laziness.

I wish I could leave her with him for a few hours to go out and have a break and let him see how hard it truly is but he's a smoker and I won't allow her near him smoking and also aren't comfortable with her being inside alone while he goes out to smoke... Annoying but how it is right now.

 

[noon_child]

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I wish I could leave her with him for a few hours to go out and have a break and let him see how hard it truly is but he's a smoker and I won't allow her near him smoking and also aren't comfortable with her being inside alone while he goes out to smoke... Annoying but how it is right now.

So he's crazy about her, but not enough to realise how damaging cigarette smoke on his hair and clothing is, or to forego a cig for a few hours because he's responsible for a baby's welfare? Do you know this, or are you projecting your low expectations for him (well founded ones from what you have written) on to what you think he'll do?

 

[pradabooties]

.

I wish I could leave her with him for a few hours to go out and have a break and let him see how hard it truly is but he's a smoker and I won't allow her near him smoking and also aren't comfortable with her being inside alone while he goes out to smoke... Annoying but how it is right now.

So he's crazy about her, but not enough to realise how damaging cigarette smoke on his hair and clothing is, or to forego a cig for a few hours because he's responsible for a baby's welfare? Do you know this, or are you projecting your low expectations for him (well founded ones from what you have written) on to what you think he'll do?

Yep this has been the biggest stress throughout the pregnancy and after she's been born. He promised he would but put it off again and again and then she arrived and he still hasn't done it. We've had endless problems about it, mostly all me being upset and him ignoring it. He has to wash his hands and change clothes before every time he holds her which you'd think would be inconvenient enough for anyone to want to stop but he's smoked since he's 10 and in that sense he's a weak person. I still want him to stop and we will not be having a second child til he does! I said to him the other day - you do realise I can't leave you and her to have a day alone because you smoke? He didn't realise, he'd never thought of it. I said seriously, what would you do? He said I don't know... I guess I'll need to stop. In about a year I have to work full time hours for a 3 week period so he will literally have no choice but to sort it before then. My OH isn't a bad person but when women say "men are stupid" they're talking about him

 

[JumpingIn]

Is he lacking in empathy generally or is it just with this issue? Is he depressed?

If there are no other psychological factors at play here then I'm afraid he's just being a complete arsehole and you deserve better

 

[pradabooties]

He has anxiety for sure. He lost his mum when he was a child and basically raised himself as his dad's a businessman. But I feel when I became pregnant he should have stepped up and got past his issues... I have asked him to see doctors or therapists and he won't. Anyway, as I said it's been a lot better for a while now and is nothing as bad as my initial post but it's not good I ever felt that way that's for certain!

 

[noon_child]

He has anxiety for sure. He lost his mum when he was a child and basically raised himself as his dad's a businessman. But I feel when I became pregnant he should have stepped up and got past his issues... I have asked him to see doctors or therapists and he won't. Anyway, as I said it's been a lot better for a while now and is nothing as bad as my initial post but it's not good I ever felt that way that's for certain!

People often think that self-sufficient children should make capable adults but what really happens is that they become insecure and find ways to look after themselves rather than others. Putting themselves first during times of stress is a survival mechanism. That's not to excuse what he has done at all! I'm so glad he has started stepping up...sounds better than mine now!

 

[keepinitreal1]

My DH tried to pull this on me in the early stages when we started living together. He came from a home with a SAHM and was utterly spoiled regarding housework.

After many arguments, crying, yelling etc. I. STOPPED. CLEANING. Simply stopped. Didn't do the dishes, only washed my own clothes etc.

Imagine his shock after 4 days or so when he didn't have his gym gear washed. And the priceless face on a sunny sunday when he didn't get lunch and was served dry crackers in a plastic bowl because I didn't have any clean pots and pans or plates.

It was a difficult week for me, but seeing how much I actually do every day put things into perspective for him. He pulls his weight mostly now, but after the baby was born and since I get a year of maternity leave he started to think that I have nothing to do all day except keep the house in order and started slacking off again. I simply reminded him that I am very busy keeping two people alive all day and that history will repeat itself.

Now naturally I'm not suggesting that you leave your children suffer, but apart from that - stop enabling him! If he has anxiety, make him seek help and not use it as a crutch!

Good luck!