At my wits end with FOB (rant and kinda long)

[TiffanyJolie]

Don't even know where to start. He and I were engaged before I got pregnant and I had a great paying job (was making close to $20 an hour). The stress of the job was making me physically sick which I just dealt with. He told me that he would take care of me financially and I could move in with him if I wanted to quit (I had my own apartment at the time), he and I both wanted me to be a SAHM anyways. So after a trip to the hospital with a horrible kidney infection and work telling me that I was going to be put on two week unpaid suspension, I went ahead and just quit my job and moved in with him. I just stopped paying on my apartment because they wanted like $3000 for all the fees and I didn't have that so I got an "eviction" on my credit report. Well two months later I was pregnant and a month after that I realized I did not want to be with him anymore but didn't really know what to do with no job and no where to live other than with him. I have been looking for a job ever since but seems people don't want to hire people that used to work for the Police Department. I have applied to soooo many places even minimum wage places with no luck. I found a daycare job but was lucky to get 7 hours a week, the place was filthy and they constantly changed my schedule on me sometimes an hour before I was supposed to come in so I just quit.

My parents live about 3 and half hours away and have space for me and the baby if I wanted to move there. I grew up there and could get my last job I had there back if I wanted and it paid really well also. I have stayed where I am because when the baby is born I don't want her seeing her Dad to be a big huge deal and have to drive a ways. Also, my Dr is here and my parents are talking about moving here in the next couple years. My parents have been making my car payments and giving me gas money and I am on food stamps. I have no money to buy clothes or new shoes (which I need desperately my feet kill me), or even just go do anything. I get soooo bored sitting in his house all day, which by the way he keeps the AC on 82 and its been no cooler than 95 outside so its miserably hot even inside. I have so many things I want to do and make for the baby and have all this time but don't have the money to do anything. We haven't even started on the nursery because he still needs to go through things that are in that room. Anytime I say something to him or hint at him buying me anything he just says he doesn't have any money and he is broke (which I know is not true) and if he and I were still together how would he be supporting me if he was supposedly broke.

I feel like I am making so many sacrifices so he can be close to his daughter when she is here and he isn't really doing much in return. I know he is letting me live at his house rent free but to me that isn't really that big of a deal he is also paying my health insurance which is about $150 a month. If I go hang out with a friend or spend the night at a friends house that he doesn't like sometimes he gets all upset and says he thinks I am just using him. I have told him numerous times I want to go to counseling with him so he can try to understand how I am feeling (and we could go for free with the insurance we have) but he has to make the appt and he wont do it.

I feel so stuck and completely like I have no control of my life anymore. I am really starting to just wonder if I should move back home with my parents and start over there. I can't even rent an apartment when I do get back on my feet because of the eviction I now have on my credit. His child support will be between $600-800 a month so I don't think it would be completely unreasonable to help me out now with even half of that until she gets here so I can be less stressed which will be better for the baby. Am I being completely unreasonable or should he be helping me out more?

 

[LaLaBelle]

Can I be perfectly honest?

You need to suck it up and start acting like a freakin' adult. You're having a child, it's time to stop acting like one.


-You walked out on your lease. That's not a small deal, and you dismiss it like it's nothing. They charge you "like $3000 for all the fees" because you signed a lease and that's how grown-ups live in apartments. You screwed over the landlord by just leaving, they then had to scramble to fill that vacancy. Most smaller landlords use rent money from apartments to pay their leases- you stop paying, and they can't pay their mortgage, and they go bankrupt.


-You quit your job because it was stressful. Okay. But then you just allowed yourself not to work and let a man take care of you. Big mistake. And then you found another job, and again, you quit. Jobs suck sometimes. That's a fact of life. But you have to work to live, there's no free rides. Everything costs something. (Although I do understand that the economy freakin' SUCKS right now, and it is incredibly difficult to find a decent job right now. But now you have an employment history of quitting jobs. Not a great thing for potential employers.)


-Your ex is letting you live rent-free in his house, and you dismiss it as "not really that big a deal"? He certainly doesn't have to do that! I don't know what your relationship is like, but it sounds like you dumped him, and it can't be easy for him having you live there. It just sounds very ungrateful the way you dismiss the fact that he's letting you live with him for free.



Of course you have no control over your life. You're depending on other people to take care of you- your ex, your parents, and the government. If you want to control your life, you need to TAKE CONTROL.



Your ex owes you NOTHING BUT CHILD SUPPORT. He's not your ex-husband, you're not entitled to alimony. He owes you child support. He's being amazingly generous by paying your insurance and letting you live with him. (It's the decent thing for him to do, seeing as you are carrying his child. But he certainly doesn't have to.) It comes across as incredibly selfish for getting pissy at him for refusing to buy you things. Even if he isn't broke, you are in NO WAY entitled to that money.



You need to make some decisions- talk with your ex, and decide whether or not that three-hour drive to your parents is too long for him to make to see his child when the baby is born. I mean- you said you could have a job there! You should be jumping at that opportunity. You need to talk with FOB and figure out how much child support he'll be giving, and then you need to find a way to budget and figure out how you are going to survive ON YOUR OWN.




I'm sorry, I know that sounds really harsh, but you gotta face facts and figure out how you're going to support yourself.

Also, you really should thank your parents for being so amazingly supportive, it sounds like they really care about you and want what's best for you. Personally, if I were in your situation, I'd probably move back in with my parents, take the old, well-paying job, and save as much money as you possibly can so you can eventually move out of your parents.
But if FOB wanted to be very involved in the baby's life and was very upset about you moving 3 hours away, I'd ask to continue living with him, and find a job or some way to make money as soon as I could, and again, save up as much money as possible (which shouldn't be so hard, if you're living rent-free).



I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't want to be a bitch or mean, and it sounds like you're genuinely trying to do what's best for baby. And the fact that you're considering what FOB wants as far as access to the baby- that's a good and decent thing to do, and is very nice of you, I know a lot of women who wouldn't treat FOB with such respect.

 

[MrsWhite]

Yeah, have to agree with above...really sounds like you are expecting everyone else to take care of you and you don't want to take responsibility for yourself. Sounds like you need to grow up and quit being a mooch and a suck on society.

 

[TiffanyJolie]

Wasn't trying to sound like a mooch or that I'm just looking for free money. That is certainly not the case. I have worked since I was 14 years old, finding a job has never been difficult until I quit my last one. I have been looking since I quit back in October. The FOB does not want me to move at all which I guess is why I feel like he should try and support me a little more than he is if he wants me to stay here. I do realize breaking a lease is a big deal and honestly I didn't think I would have to do it because he said he could pay my bills then come to find out he couldn't. They had it rented the next month so I don't even owe them that much luckily. And by "buying me things" I'm not meaning take me to the designer stores so I can spend tons of money....I'm talking about spending like $20 on stuff at goodwill. And he had no problem with me quitting the daycare job too because yea it was a job but going in for a two hour shift barely making more than it was costing in gas was just dumb.

 

[LaLaBelle]

He is giving you a free place to live. He's paying your health insurance premiums. It sounds like he's supporting you A LOT. You're not engaged to him anymore, you're not with him, it is quite unreasonable to expect him to give you spending money.


It's a crappy situation- you can't find a job, it's a crappy job market and no one wants to hire a pregnant woman. (As an aside, you probably could find work as a nanny- that way you could bring the baby to work with you, and that's one job where having a kid/being pregnant won't be a big mark against you.)



Personally, I'd tell FOB "Look, I can't find a job here, and there's a job I could take back home- we need to talk about options. I'm either going to move back in with my parents and start working again, or you could give me $200 a month on top of child support payments until I find a job and get back on my feet." And then you have to actually look for a job, even if it's being a nanny or working some job you dislike- you can't keep quitting jobs because you don't like them.


No one owes you anything. You are not entitled to anything. You made the decisions that got you into the situation you are in. You choose to quit you job. (Even if your ex encouraged you or approved of you quitting- you were the one who made the choice! You are in charge of your actions!) You choose to break the lease on your apartment and ruin your credit/renting history. You choose to get pregnant without the legal protection of marriage. (Not judging, but if you had been married, you would be in a much better legal situation as far as alimony and support go.) You choose to leave your fiance a month after getting pregnant, and you choose to carry this baby to term. (Again, not judging, FOB sounds like kind of a prat, and you always have the right to leave a man if he's not right for you!). These were YOUR choices. Not your ex's, not your parents, not anyone else's.


I'm not saying these were WRONG choices or bad choices, some of them were probably good choices.(And some of them are the exact choices I would have made.) But YOU made them, and they are what led you to be in the situation you are in. And so YOU NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. And complaining on an internet forum that your exfiance/FOB won't give you spending money- yeah, that sounds exactly like you're looking for free money.



Sweetie, you control your life and your destiny. It probably doesn't feel like that right now- you've got a baby growing inside of you, your life is about to change immeasurably, you lack money which to a lot of people feels like a lack of power and control- you're in a situation in which everything seems like it's happening TO YOU, instead of you steering the ship. But you are always in control. You are in control of the decisions you make and the plans you make and the dreams you have for you and your baby. And you need to take charge.


That means talking with FOB about future plans and where you're going to live, and talking to your parents- are they willing to move to your area sooner to help with their grandchild? Is FOB willing to move to where your parents live? What does FOB expect after the baby is born- will you just keep living with him, and is he really okay with that? What happens when one of you gets a boyfriend or girlfriend? What vision of the future does FOB of the baby have? And most importantly, what vision of the future do YOU have? What do you want your life to be in five years, where do you want you and Baby to be?

 

[lm81]

Just a question, are you 100% sure that you dont want to be together... I mean theres been many a breakup due to pregnancy/Hormones and changes in people, but these changes arent always permanent?

 

[lilwelsh1]

i think lalabelle has pretty much said anything i'd say to u.

Personally i'd move back to the parents house, take the job and re-build my life. FOB can deal with it, if u dont want to be with him anymore u cant stay living with him. Its not fair on u, him or the baby to be bought into a non-relationship. He cant stop u going to your parents, he cant make that decision for u. The fact that he hasnt sorted anything for the babys nursery (i.e. Simply clearing his belongings out the way) says to me that he's really not too committed to u being a proper family.

Honestly hun, may see, like a tough choice but go to your parents and get your old job back. Right now u need financial support and the only person who can give u that is YOU. Your parents sound great, they will prob be there emotionally for u and hopefully FOB will take an active part in the childs life once baby is here. Best of luck hun, making it on your own will be hard but when u can look at the things u built up yourself and say 'i did that for my child' it will fulfill u like u'll never believe. Having a baby is not just about buying things and having the dad around its also about being a good role model and your child can look up to u and learn that standing on your own 2 feet and supporting yourself is an honest and proud thing to do.

U dont need no man to take care of u. U can do a better job yourself best of luck xx

 

[leahsbabybump]

i totally agree with lalabelle aswell on this one sorry but at the end of the day you dumped this guy so you cant expect a dime from him till baby comes along and to which then any penny you will get will be for bubs.
I think that this guy at the mo is being 100% reasonable with you he is makiing sure you have health care and a roof over your head whilst your pregnant which its soooo much more than what most guys would do
i wanted over with my first sons dad whilst i was pregs he gave me 2 week notice to move out of his place and never gave me apenny till LO was born :-/
this is what most guys would have doen your pretty lucky

i second the fact you should go back to your parents and take the job there and save up and learn your lesson to never rely on a guy again its 2011 not 1959 were the men were very poilte and proper with their wives guys these days will dump you on your ass without a second thoght
there a few girls on hear who have been left rite up shit creek by FOB u got it lucky

 

[CLH_X3]

Tbh I feel more sorry for the FOB then you...

It does sound like you want free money and a free ride, and like others have said he's letting you live rent free and paying for your health insurance, that's nothing to turn your nose up at ... I think he's being more then reasonable ...

The best option seems to be moving in with your parents and taking up the other job and starting again ...

 

[milf2be]

i dont think i can add anything else, but i would listen to lalabelle. you are an adult and you need to support yourself instead of using your ex (if he is your ex, im not sure if your still with him for the sake of it im not sure? :s)

life goes through bad patched and in a years time you will have a gorgeous little baby and be back on your feet again and look back at yourself and laugh good luck x

 

[missjaime]

agree totally with lalabella