At what point did you safely feel REALLY pregnant?

[Nevaie]

I've been lurking and trying to find where I really belong on this forum and so far this seems like the best fit. I've been TTC #2 since Spring 2008. I've had 5 miscarriages, mostly very early and 'chemical', though I hate that term. Generally I would get faint positives at 8-12 dpo and then they would fail to get much darker, cramping would start, I'd bleed for a couple weeks and the lines would slowly fade away. Some I didn't even know about until the cramping and bleeding started. One lasted longer, until 6 weeks or so but ended in a similar way. All are unexplained. I've been through multiple rounds of clomid, femara, vitex, temping, testing, took breaks and did the not trying/not preventing thing, and even tried the whole 'relax and forget about it' nonsense.

After having 3 losses last year followed by some very unpleasant personal issues early this year I decided to take a break. I spent about 8 months not trying/not preventing. Then in August I lost a friend, went through a very hard time with it and came out with a totally different perspective on life. I started looking into IVF and how to afford it but decided to give clomid another try (as I do ovulate on it at high doses) and just add in everything possible that could increase my chances. It worked, 3 days ago at 9 dpo I got a very faint positive on my cheapy wondflo test strip.

That first day it was so faint I wasn't even sure it was a real positive. I ended up holding it in for 6 hours and then took 3 more tests, including a first response early and they all came back with that same faint positive. The next day I took more and they were darker. Today it's a very obvious and clear positive. I haven't told anyone other than my sister, and only really told her because I needed to vent. I haven't even told my spouse. I'm only 11 dpo and it just feels too soon. I worry that it'll end early like the others. I worry that if it does end he won't react the way I want and I'll be angry again. Most of the time I know that he hurts as much as I do and just doesn't show it the same way, but after a loss I lose all rational thought and I'm just angry at his lack of emotion. It's nearly caused us to split up on more than one occasion and I just don't want to go through that again.

I guess the problem is that I don't feel 'really' pregnant because it's so early and I may still lose it. It's hard for it to feel like a real pregnancy when doctors tell me it's not even a 'real' miscarriage if I lose it this early. I'm not even actually supposed to have tested yet. Heck, a big part of me still feels like I should be in the TTC section because it's just that new and uncertain. I feel like an imposter in the first trimester section. I only feel comfortable here because everyone here has been through losses and maybe understands. I'm not sure when that worry will go away or when I should tell people. I'm considering telling my hubby this weekend as long as the tests stay nice and dark. I'll certainly have to tell him within the next couple weeks or he'll find out himself when I start going to doctors appointments. I REALLY have no idea when to tell everyone else. I know most say the end of the 1st trimester but I have a feeling that if this one lasts long enough to hear a heartbeat I'll lose it and spill the beans.

I suppose this is all my long winded way of asking when everyone else felt safely pregnant and when they felt OK telling people? Does it feel safer at 5 weeks than 3, and safer still at 8 or am I always going to worry? Is the end of the first trimester some magical moment where you finally breath a sigh of relief and go on being happy and excited? I don't know what to do.

 

[lilesMom]

i came on here looking for the same answer
i had mmc in may, my baby lile stopped growing at 7w 4 d, i had d and e at 10w 4d.
im now 7w3d so i feel somehow like tomor is d day, im full of dread, i cant shake it.
i had a scan yest and saw heartbeat, i was good yest but today im nervous again, i dont know if i ever feel safe til i have my baby . i know prob not the answer u were looking for, sorry.
i thought that when i got pregnant that i would worry a little but be ok about it.
i feel awful cos i cant enjoy this preg , i feel guilty for my baby cos im not enjoying it.
im just so up and down, my emotions r all over the place.

i really hope this works out for u hon and im sorry i dont have a good answer for u,
but ur not alone, being preg after a loss is hard xxxxxxx
il keep my fx for u honey xxxxxxxxx

 

[lilesMom]

oh and i have told some people, but no where near as many as last time, i dont really know when il tell um, im not in a hurry to tell everyone else cos the people im closest to know anyway xxxxxxxxxxxxx
babe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Nevaie]

You have no idea what a relief it is just to hear someone say that they get it! I know exactly what you mean about not quite being able to enjoy it. Then I feel massive guilt for not enjoying every second after wanting it so bad. I can't talk to any of my (online) TTC friends anymore because they think I'm an ungrateful, undeserving nutcase for not being over the moon about being pregnant. I get their point of view since I've been there, but they don't get mine since they haven't experienced recurring losses. My pregnant sister hears me out and tries to support me but she doesn't get it either. Her second suprise pregnancy is farther along and everything is going great for her so she doesn't seem to understand why I don't just tell everyone and celebrate with her. Thanks for the response and good luck to you too.

 

[lilesMom]

im the same i have one main thread that i was on while ttc but i feel like an ungrateful b***h if i complain too much on there sincce most havent got bfp yet and would love to have my problem
i thought it would be much easier than it actually is, i was so focused on gettin bfp i forgot what happens after, well i didnt forget but i had rose tinted glasses on about it
i think just asmitting we feel this way helps, im typing so fast like im blurting it out so excuse typos thanks for posting, i thought was goina bit mad for a while xxxx
i think my family r startin to think im a bit weird, ive taken time off work cos my job is very physical and im stayin home alot. i think they dont get why im a bit distant, i feel like they think oh she is pregnant now so she is grand, she must be delighted with herself , which makes me feel even more guilty cos i dont , arrrgghhh
im normaly level headed but jesus baby making is a strain mentally .
im here when u need a vent , thanks for reading xxxxxx

 

[Bubsta]

What your feeling is completely normal and you are not alone... By a long shot.
It is the most nerve wracking time and you will be on an emotional roller coaster. As time progresses, the reality will hit you more, but Unfortuntely because of what we have all been through, the worrying doesnt stop yet (sorry ). When I first got my BFP, I walked around in a daze. I didn't want to think about the fact that I'm pregnant. I Just wanted to go to sleep and wake up at the 8wk mark and have a scan and then if everything was good, then start thinking about being pregnant. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.
Give yourself a week or two and then you will probably accept you are pregnant, but you will continue to worry.
I think it would be a good idea to tell OH because regardless to what happens, he will want to support you and be in this journey with you. He might feel a bit hurt if he finds out that you knew and didn't tell him and that would result in more arguements.
I think there is probably a couple of ways to answer your question about feeling pregnant. The logical part of my brain has accepted that I am pregnant, but the emotional side is terrified to accept it incase something goes wrong.
Before my DD, my 1st pregnancy resulted in MC which was diagnosed as necessary at my first scan. When I got pregnant afterwards with my daughter, things only I proved (with my roller coaster emotions) after my first scan... And then only a little. But after my 2nd scan at 12wks, that is when I started to enjoy my pregnancy. It will happen sweets, you just have to hang in there and give yourself time... And know that we do know what you are going through. Xx your not alone. I have a good feeling for you this time sweets. This time it will work out. Xx it will get better in time. Xx

 

[elohcin]

So sorry for all of your losses, mama. I understand all too well where you are coming from, having had 7 losses myself (5 consecutively after my last baby was born).

Personally, I never really feel safe anymore. There's zero innocence left to pregnancy for me and I always feel like I'm just hanging by a thread. Even at 14 weeks now (never made it past 10 with a living baby with my last 5 losses, though 3 were very early), having heard a heartbeat since 9 weeks, having had 2 great ultrasounds, and feeling the baby a lot, I still feel like it's only "so" real, that it could change at any moment, and that I have to guard my heart just a bit no matter how great things look. That said, God has been so good and while my miscarriages have been so hard, He has brought me through them, and I know He is faithful. While I pray it's His will for me to keep this little one, I know that if something happens, He'll get me through it once more.

We waited until it was physically impossible to keep the pregnancy a secret anymore, which was a "short" 12 weeks for me this time, and I was terrified to tell, but at the same time it was a relief to have it over with. (I also had an ultrasound the day before, so that made it a little easier than it would have been had I been wondering if my baby was even still alive)

 

[Diamonddust]

It's a really horrible situation, and unfortunately as everyone else has said there is no innocence to the pregnancy, the truth and reality for me is I still panic and rush to the loo to check my underwear, I'm 24 weeks now, and yesterday was my little mans "viability day" it's taken a small weight off my mind but it doesn't come close to me being sure.

I truley hope this is your sticky bean, hang on in there! Big hugs x

 

[Erinsmummy]

I've had 2 losses, and with this pregnancy I wasn't sure web I'd feel safe, till the sickness began! Now i feel like all is ok, plus I never got this far with last 2 pregnancies. I already have a 3 yr old and remember feeling sick like this with her so that's reassuring. It's a shame your ttc buddies make you feel that way though, in also still in a thread in ttc and they ate still So supporting of me even when I moan!

 

[Dreamermama]

Dont feel guilty! It's normal not to feel completely excited/comfortable untill you know for sure the pregnancy is viable!
I only told OH at 6 weeks when I saw HB at early scan. And I only told all my friends at 14 weeks when I started feeling baby move. I figured if I can feel her alive there's a good chance! Even after that I was terrified something bad would happen, but at 20 weeks after my 20 week scan they told me she was perfectly healthy it was a big relief. It's one obstacle after another and you have to think of every day, or week that goes by as a small victory!

 

[GreyGirl]

I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you're hoping for, but I think I should be honest.
I had an ectopic pregnancy in April 2010 at between 6-7 weeks, I lost a tube and it took me 16 months of trying to get pregnant again.
I got my in April this year and told hubby straight away and my twin - I figured even if I lost this baby, they deserved to celebrated while they were here. I told myself after my 6 week scan and everything was fine, I'd relax...no. I then thought after my 12 week scan I'd relax...no. We told people after that scan. Then I thought after my 20 week scan I'd relax and once we knew gender we'd bond easier...not really.
I'll be honest, I'm almost 35 weeks now and still worry. I feel pregnant, and have since I FINALLY started feeling her move properly at 28 weeks. It's been a looong pregnancy in that respect. I still have days of less movement and worry that she'll be stillborn or something.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you a positive story of being worry-free after loss, but I just hope it helps you to know you're not alone and we've all been there. I don't think the worry stops even after they're born, my biggest worry will be sids....we never stop.
I want to just clarify and say I don't worry all day every day now like I did, most days she moves plenty and I feel connected, it's just on the (thankfully decreasing) days where she doesn't move much that I worry.

 

[NGRidley]

i just started feeling a little better yesterday.

I had a MMC in May of last year at around 10+4, and i was told that the baby didnt develop past 8.5 weeks.

I had an ultrasound at 9+6, saw my baby, heart beat of 180bpm, and it is now just starting to feel real (even though I have had symptoms)

 

[cgav1424]

I had three miscarriages in a row after I had DD. We had just about given up when I fell pregnant again. I didn't even let myself believe it. I mean, I took care of myself but didn't go into "fragile pregnant mode" like I did with my miscarriages. My doctor put me on progesterone, prednisone and baby aspirin empirically and told me to live my life like I normally would... minus the glass of wine with dinner... oh and no sex. So I did. I continued to work out, allowed myself one cup of caffeine a day, ate what I wanted and just enjoyed my life. Went back at 6 weeks (further then I had made it in any of my m/c) and expected the worst, but saw a heartbeat. And I felt... nothing. Went back 2 weeks later, expecting the worst, and saw the heartbeat again. I felt shocked, but not elated... and still felt like I didn't react properly. 2 weeks later... same thing. 2 weeks later (last Wednesday) at my nt scan and all looks perfect with baby. I was still petrified. Through this all, my hubs has acted appropriately. Happy, thrilled, can't wait to tell people, has tears in his eyes when he sees the heartbeat, can't stop staring at the ultrasound picture... seriously, he's the best expectant father ever. I am distant, far removed and not attached to this baby yet. It's so terrible, but all my m/c happened between 5-6 weeks when I had barely gotten used to the idea of being pregnant... and those were devastating. I can't even imagine losing this baby now after seeing the heartbeat on numerous occasions and seeing my tummy grow already. I'm almost in second tri (13 weeks next Wednesday) and I'm still as far removed from this pregnancy as I was 8 weeks ago when I found out. My friends reckon I'll feel more attached when I can feel baby move... until then, I'll continue taking my medicine and my pre-natals and just hope for the best. My next appointment isn't until Nov 21 so we'll see. The worst part is this will be my last pregnancy ever (no matter the outcome) and I can't even enjoy it.

My point is you're not alone in feeling this way. Being pregnant after (recurring... or any) loss is crappy as it takes all the innocence and fun out of being pregnant. I try and take it a day at a time and just keep having faith, but ultimately I'm living by the motto that what's meant to be will be. Best of luck in your pregnancy, hon. You'll be in my thoughts and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.