Baby daddy woes. :_(

[gembex]

Hello ladies. I'm posting because I'm feeling very down in the dumps. I'm hoping maybe someone may have been in a similar situation and/or maybe you could offer me some advice.

I'm 8w4d pregnant, and after initially being quite excited, 'daddy' has now had a u-turn. He decided he wasn't ready to be a father and wanted me to abort which I made quite clear was not happening.

However despite wanting me to abort, he also wants to be part of baby's life and the pregnancy now it's going ahead. The thing is, he's full of resentment towards me as he feels he has had no choice in the situation. He's been so cold towards me and scans to date have been awkward and unpleasant. He questions dates with medical staff and seems totally absorbed with his own feelings and how he's coping. I'm beginning to feel hated.

However he still pops up weekly and asks how we both are, checks dates of appts etc.

I'm struggling as this has been going on for weeks. Underneath I know he's not a bad man but the whole situation is bringing me down and I'm starting to feel depressed and teary.

Underneath I still have feelings for him. I miss him not bring around yet at the same time I could throttle him for the way he's treating me.

I don't know whether to entertain the idea that he may come round or whether to wipe him and the upset from my life for a bit. I can't keep feeling this way as its surely not good for baby.

 

[44npregnant]

Hello ladies. I'm posting because I'm feeling very down in the dumps. I'm hoping maybe someone may have been in a similar situation and/or maybe you could offer me some advice.

I'm 8w4d pregnant, and after initially being quite excited, 'daddy' has now had a u-turn. He decided he wasn't ready to be a father and wanted me to abort which I made quite clear was not happening.

However despite wanting me to abort, he also wants to be part of baby's life and the pregnancy now it's going ahead. The thing is, he's full of resentment towards me as he feels he has had no choice in the situation. He's been so cold towards me and scans to date have been awkward and unpleasant. He questions dates with medical staff and seems totally absorbed with his own feelings and how he's coping. I'm beginning to feel hated.

However he still pops up weekly and asks how we both are, checks dates of appts etc.

I'm struggling as this has been going on for weeks. Underneath I know he's not a bad man but the whole situation is bringing me down and I'm starting to feel depressed and teary.

Underneath I still have feelings for him. I miss him not bring around yet at the same time I could throttle him for the way he's treating me.

I don't know whether to entertain the idea that he may come round or whether to wipe him and the upset from my life for a bit. I can't keep feeling this way as its surely not good for baby.

I'm in similar situation. The "daddy" wanted me to have an abortion. I knew from that moment that there was no longer a chance for us to have a relationship. In my mind, this man wanted me to abort my child. His child. And even though I am pro-choice, personally, I would never do that. It changed how I felt about him. I told him that if I were to lose the baby, i would know he was relieved. And that if I'm lucky and have a healthy baby, I will always know he didn't want it to be alive and if I were a weaker person, it would have never been born.

He and I still speak and I think eventually, we won't. I just don't see how you come back from that. But I could be wrong. Good luck!

 

[nolansmom]

Well the bad news is you'll likely be doing it alone for the most part - the good news is that he is obligated to provide financial support that I'm sure will be much needed with a LO.. This is what you need to accept in order to make it less stressful for yourself and baby now.. If he comes to appts - he does, if not - he doesn't.. But the financial is what LO is entitled to regardless of you needing it or not. .

He should start coming to terms with that really quick and saving his $$ for those payments.

 

[surprisepg]

Similar situation although mine is a little more complicated since the FOB is in the US and Im in Australia. FOB is 4 years younger than me first time dad and I think this has completely scared the crap out of him. 2 weeks ago he stopped talking to me out of the blue. Had no idea why, tried contacting him on 2 different occasions and got nothing. Made me so damn mad. He acted like a coward and messaged a friend whom he has never had real contact with that he didnt want to talk to me right now because the situation is stressing him that much that he cant concentrate on anything and that I need and have asked for so much support that telling me no would cause an argument.

I do see where he is coming from and yet he is acting like a typical man and thinking selfishly. I miss him terribly and I'm torn on whether or not to text him future scan pics. The day before he stopped communication he had spoken to his mum and she simply told him to wait it out and get a DNA test :/

Prior to him talking to his mother he was adamant about coming to Australia for the birth and although stressed he wanted to be part of the babys life. At this moment I dont know where he stands with all this but I will be damned if I text him first! Hence my dilemma about sending him scan pics. Friends tell me I should because for one if I dont it might send the signal that I am in doubt of the babys paternity and two I cant be blamed in the future of not involving him. This way I am covering all bases. I still dont know though.

I'm not holding my breath and I am devastated by his actions but I do know one thing and that is that I will prove paternity because I wont have him question paternity. I will do right by my baby and prove the father even if he doesnt become part of the babys life. Im sure he will answer to this in the future.

 

[44npregnant]

Similar situation although mine is a little more complicated since the FOB is in the US and Im in Australia. FOB is 4 years younger than me first time dad and I think this has completely scared the crap out of him. 2 weeks ago he stopped talking to me out of the blue. Had no idea why, tried contacting him on 2 different occasions and got nothing. Made me so damn mad. He acted like a coward and messaged a friend whom he has never had real contact with that he didnt want to talk to me right now because the situation is stressing him that much that he cant concentrate on anything and that I need and have asked for so much support that telling me no would cause an argument.

I do see where he is coming from and yet he is acting like a typical man and thinking selfishly. I miss him terribly and I'm torn on whether or not to text him future scan pics. The day before he stopped communication he had spoken to his mum and she simply told him to wait it out and get a DNA test :/

Prior to him talking to his mother he was adamant about coming to Australia for the birth and although stressed he wanted to be part of the babys life. At this moment I dont know where he stands with all this but I will be damned if I text him first! Hence my dilemma about sending him scan pics. Friends tell me I should because for one if I dont it might send the signal that I am in doubt of the babys paternity and two I cant be blamed in the future of not involving him. This way I am covering all bases. I still dont know though.

I'm not holding my breath and I am devastated by his actions but I do know one thing and that is that I will prove paternity because I wont have him question paternity. I will do right by my baby and prove the father even if he doesnt become part of the babys life. Im sure he will answer to this in the future.

Sorry to hear that. I'm sure having no communication is difficult. My BD at least will answer the phone if I call. However, he has not called me or inquired how I'm doing. We have only had "business" type calls discussing when he is going to pick up his things. I am not going to offer any information about the baby unless he asks. He wanted to know, if he CARED. He would ask. That's what I think, anyway.

 

[surprisepg]

Sorry to hear that. I'm sure having no communication is difficult. My BD at least will answer the phone if I call. However, he has not called me or inquired how I'm doing. We have only had "business" type calls discussing when he is going to pick up his things. I am not going to offer any information about the baby unless he asks. He wanted to know, if he CARED. He would ask. That's what I think, anyway.

I know talking to his mum changed things. He spoke to his grandad weeks ago and if anything that made him more interested in the baby. I'm just trying to come to terms with his silence. It bothers me even more so after my friend told me he messaged her a week into the no communication with I miss her. UGH!

I do share your sentiment though, I do feel if he cared he would ask. He would tell me constantly he cared and yet now his actions are telling me otherwise. Why are men so selfish? It annoys me but he wont get away with not paying child support if he thinks I will go away and he will never hear from me again he has another things coming, he is in for a BIG surprise!

 

[surprisepg]

Its sad when a pregnancy does this and even sadder when men dont see what a miracle a baby is... A friend told me many men are visual creatures and for them this baby isnt real yet even though for us it is. We go through the motions that they dont feel therefore they dont see the baby as being real... smh mens logic

 

[44npregnant]

Its sad when a pregnancy does this and even sadder when men dont see what a miracle a baby is... A friend told me many men are visual creatures and for them this baby isnt real yet even though for us it is. We go through the motions that they dont feel therefore they dont see the baby as being real... smh mens logic

We can only wait and see.

 

[surprisepg]

Its sad when a pregnancy does this and even sadder when men dont see what a miracle a baby is... A friend told me many men are visual creatures and for them this baby isnt real yet even though for us it is. We go through the motions that they dont feel therefore they dont see the baby as being real... smh mens logic

We can only wait and see.

Not that I wish this on any expectant mother however I wont lie that its nice to finally have someone understand how I feel about this.

 

[CastawayBride]

I am not in the same situation with you ladies, however, I do want to add that the thought that men are visual and don't really get it is so true. We lost our son at 31 weeks due to hospital error in July. My husband was great about coming to appointments and was happy we were pregnant but when I would say "come over here, he is kicking!" He would take his sweet time or say, "Next time I will catch him...." Well just imagine all the emotions that flooded him at the birth of our son who passed two days prior in utero. I have never, ever seen those emotions in him. Yes, the nature of our loss caused alot of it but the sight of his son definitely stirred up those emotions. Once he realized his son was there all along it really hit home....it takes men much longer, in my opinion to bond with babies as they are not the one carrying them. THey also don't realize the sacrifices we make as women to carry these babies (that we gladly do!) My husband could not wait to be pregnant again and we are so blessed that it happened our first cycle....I am not saying give them another chance, I am just saying it may take time unfortunately...

Take care ladies!

 

[surprisepg]

I am not in the same situation with you ladies, however, I do want to add that the thought that men are visual and don't really get it is so true. We lost our son at 31 weeks due to hospital error in July. My husband was great about coming to appointments and was happy we were pregnant but when I would say "come over here, he is kicking!" He would take his sweet time or say, "Next time I will catch him...." Well just imagine all the emotions that flooded him at the birth of our son who passed two days prior in utero. I have never, ever seen those emotions in him. Yes, the nature of our loss caused alot of it but the sight of his son definitely stirred up those emotions. Once he realized his son was there all along it really hit home....it takes men much longer, in my opinion to bond with babies as they are not the one carrying them. THey also don't realize the sacrifices we make as women to carry these babies (that we gladly do!) My husband could not wait to be pregnant again and we are so blessed that it happened our first cycle....I am not saying give them another chance, I am just saying it may take time unfortunately...

Take care ladies!

Thank you for sharing your story! So sorry for your loss It must have eaten at your DH after the fact. Its sad that men do that but I do understand how it may take them longer to bond with a baby they cant feel like we do. My doc told me that it takes men 9 months to start getting used to the idea that they are responsible for another life but it definitely takes sight, touch and smell to realise whats important to them. Im hoping this will be the case with FOB. Being this is his first baby I just feel sorry for him in a way because he has no idea what a miracle and what a blessing the creation of life is.

 

[mummy2o]

I agree with Castawaybride. OH wasn't 100% convinced about this baby as men like visuals. We had an early loss last year at 8 weeks, so he didn't get excited. I already have had 4 scans with this one due to the fact I'm a bleeder due to a corrosive cervix. It didn't become real until 12 week scan and even more so at the 14 week scan. He's still not 100% convinced but slowly coming around to the idea he'll be a dad. I think the fact he's been at ever scan has helped him, especially when it wiggles around. We become mums the moment we get inklings we might be pregnant or a BFP, men become dads once the baby is here. Not true for all men, but the majority yes.

 

[Skywalker]

Mine also had quite a bad reaction to the news but I basically told him with or without him, I'm having this baby, and I'd never forgive him if he was "that guy" that refused to help at all. He started to come around a little bit after that. I think each day he comes a little bit more around, but at the same time I feel like at any moment he could freak out and demand I leave. I used to get so embroiled in the ups and downs of our relationship but for some reason this baby has made me just not even care about how we end up. I DO love him and want this relationship to work, but I suppose my feeling of love and protectiveness and obligation to this child trumps any emotion good or bad I could feel for him, so my viewpoint on it is that if he wants to act like that, fine, but I'll go somewhere else and surround myself and my baby with supportive, positive people. It's obviously the most ideal for us to stay together and work on our relationship so that's what we're doing, and OH never specifically stated he wanted me to abort but his initial reaction seemed like he was trying to build an argument for NOT having a baby and I was like, "Well, I know we didn't try for this, but I'm not having an abortion and it's not like I can take it back to the baby store so..." I know it's hard but maybe try to get the viewpoint that obviously your man needs to prove to YOU that he's worthy to be in your life and your babies' life, and definitely needs to fulfill his financial responsibilities, but try to look at it from that perspective, because that's what has helped me.

 

[surprisepg]

Mine also had quite a bad reaction to the news but I basically told him with or without him, I'm having this baby, and I'd never forgive him if he was "that guy" that refused to help at all. He started to come around a little bit after that. I think each day he comes a little bit more around, but at the same time I feel like at any moment he could freak out and demand I leave. I used to get so embroiled in the ups and downs of our relationship but for some reason this baby has made me just not even care about how we end up. I DO love him and want this relationship to work, but I suppose my feeling of love and protectiveness and obligation to this child trumps any emotion good or bad I could feel for him, so my viewpoint on it is that if he wants to act like that, fine, but I'll go somewhere else and surround myself and my baby with supportive, positive people. It's obviously the most ideal for us to stay together and work on our relationship so that's what we're doing, and OH never specifically stated he wanted me to abort but his initial reaction seemed like he was trying to build an argument for NOT having a baby and I was like, "Well, I know we didn't try for this, but I'm not having an abortion and it's not like I can take it back to the baby store so..." I know it's hard but maybe try to get the viewpoint that obviously your man needs to prove to YOU that he's worthy to be in your life and your babies' life, and definitely needs to fulfill his financial responsibilities, but try to look at it from that perspective, because that's what has helped me.

I've started to adopt that idea now. Its been hard for me but seeing my baby wiggling around in a scan at the OB yesterday it made me realise that he is the one who is going to be missing out not me. He chose to distance himself not me. I just feel disappointed and let down especially since he kept telling me he will be in this childs life and he will make an effort and he wont be a dead beat dad.

 

[AC1987]

although I can't really relate I just want to 2nd the pp, about how they really are quite visual. My DH was in SUCH denial when I was pregnant with LO he kept arguing with me saying I'm not really pregnant. And then the look on his face when the baby came up on the screen was too funny. I loved how the midwife yelled at him to look at the screen to see his baby
And then AGAIN he is in denial again, I think mostly it is because this one wasn't planned, but he is also angry at me thinking that I tricked him which I would NOT do. so i'm crossing my fingers he'll come around. but it is really stressful when the baby's daddy is jerky!!

 

[surprisepg]

although I can't really relate I just want to 2nd the pp, about how they really are quite visual. My DH was in SUCH denial when I was pregnant with LO he kept arguing with me saying I'm not really pregnant. And then the look on his face when the baby came up on the screen was too funny. I loved how the midwife yelled at him to look at the screen to see his baby
And then AGAIN he is in denial again, I think mostly it is because this one wasn't planned, but he is also angry at me thinking that I tricked him which I would NOT do. so i'm crossing my fingers he'll come around. but it is really stressful when the baby's daddy is jerky!!

I think FOB thought I did this on purpose too :/ I guess its a wait and see game. I love how the midwife yelled at your DH!

 

[WantingABubba]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry.

I, too, am in a similar situation. FOB told me from the day I got my that he doesn't want this baby, he doesn't think I should have the baby because of uni, that I should abort the baby, and that he's not on board with it at all.

I've barely contacted him, but was periodically updating him before, but he told me he feels nothing for this child and the last response I got from him was 'oh' when I told him his baby has a heartbeat.

I am also heartbroken, and furious too, but it's something we have to come to terms with. Unfortunately, we can't make them love their babies. They will, one day, feel it in their hearts, what they've done, even if they don't admit it to us. We, however, will have the love of our children.

Take care, all of us xx