Please help me, im pretty crazy about wanting my own child i think about it 24/7 and daydream make lists about what im going to buy and even made a folder full of information and other handy things.. I saw a lady with a trolley yesterday and got upset wishing i could buy baby products myself i want a baby i feel like im to scared to go ahead with it, my boyfriend of almost 2 years has already got a child he doesnt see because the mother took off with hes child and i feel like thats the reason he kinda doesnt want another one.. He tells me that he isnt in the right state of mind to have one and that he scared the baby will be a failure like he feels that he is because we are both unemployed and are on benefits ... He doesnt want one but says he does want one because he knows how badly i feel...my brain tries to talk me into having one and keeps me thinking that i need to just have one, i feel like im going nowhere in like and i just want these feelings to lay off me abit im getting or i am TO obsessed with wanting a baby and it keeps getting stronger i how do i deal with this?
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Baby obsession
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Ashley1021
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Take a step back and ask yourself a few questions. Can you truly support a baby right now and give them basic necessities and love? Is your relationship in the right place? In my experience, you can't have a baby if both people aren't on board. If he doesn't want a baby, how would you go about having one? Tricking him into having one isn't the answer.
Just because you want one, doesn't mean you should. I'm desperate for a baby, I'm employed in a good job, my partner and I have a very stable loving relationship and we own our home, but my psrtner wants to be married, and so we are waiting. I'm exactly the same, I think about it constantly, love looking at all the things I could buy, but it's a JOINT decision to have a child and so I'm just having to be patient. Also, when doing the sums a baby will costs lots, even with both my partner and I working we may find some months hard, can you really afford a baby and to buy it all the wonderful things you want to if you are both living on benefits?
MindUtopia
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I would say focus on the things you need to do in life to make becoming a parent seem like a positive choice. If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't actually want to have another child, that's a pretty good reason not to have one. I should add, there is no such thing as another parent taken a child away from the non-custodial parent, except maybe cases of parental kidnap. If he wanted to raise his child and be involved in his/her life, he could be. If he doesn't want to be, that's a good reason not to put yourself in that same situation where he'll run off and not want to be in your child's life either. Work on building your relationship more, supporting him in getting involved in parenting his child if he is open to re-establishing those ties, or find a relationship with someone else where you want the same things. You can't make anyone want to have a child if they don't. If you don't have enough in common that you can see yourselves taking the same path in the longer term, maybe it's a reason why you aren't compatible?
But really focus on yourself. If you feel like you aren't ready and can't financially support a child in your current situation, change that so that you can be in a situation where you can. Go back to get additional qualifications or training. Set yourself up with a good job that you can see a future with. Think about where you'd need to get financially before you could comfortably support a child. Think about what you want to do with your life. There is more to life than just babies. Though my daughter is the best thing to happen in my life, she's also not the only thing. They are also only tiny for a short period of time, and then they're off to school and you need to have a full, meaningful way to fill your days and make a life for yourself. I love the work I do and it will provide us with a good, stable life. But that was only possible because I put in the hard work to making a stable life for us before she was born. Is it totally possible to get additional training or go back for a degree after you become a parent? Yes, totally possible, but much, much harder. If you do that hard work now, it will be much easier later. Childcare is expensive, so if you have plans for starting a course or want to get into a certain career, get your foot in the door before you're having to spend £700-1000 a month on nursery fees. It will also give you something for yourself to focus on to help make the wait easier and feel more purposeful.
Having a baby is also just really, really hard. The more secure everything in your life is, including your relationship and other things, like your living situation, finances, etc., the easier it will be. You don't need to be rich and babies actually don't need much stuff at all, but they make life a lot harder. I've done a lot of hard things in my life, but being a parent is by far the hardest. It's not all cute clothes and playing with a baby. It's wonderful and rewarding, but it's also exhausting and it means you literally have no time for yourself at all (getting a shower used to be the most glorious luxury ever), and you don't have time for friends or going out or doing a lot of the fun things you can do when you don't have a child, and you will fight more with your partner in the first couple years than you ever have before. It's hard. Make sure life is as easy and stress-free as possible, so that when the added stresses of having a baby comes, you're ready to handle it because you've sorted everything else out first.
But really focus on yourself. If you feel like you aren't ready and can't financially support a child in your current situation, change that so that you can be in a situation where you can. Go back to get additional qualifications or training. Set yourself up with a good job that you can see a future with. Think about where you'd need to get financially before you could comfortably support a child. Think about what you want to do with your life. There is more to life than just babies. Though my daughter is the best thing to happen in my life, she's also not the only thing. They are also only tiny for a short period of time, and then they're off to school and you need to have a full, meaningful way to fill your days and make a life for yourself. I love the work I do and it will provide us with a good, stable life. But that was only possible because I put in the hard work to making a stable life for us before she was born. Is it totally possible to get additional training or go back for a degree after you become a parent? Yes, totally possible, but much, much harder. If you do that hard work now, it will be much easier later. Childcare is expensive, so if you have plans for starting a course or want to get into a certain career, get your foot in the door before you're having to spend £700-1000 a month on nursery fees. It will also give you something for yourself to focus on to help make the wait easier and feel more purposeful.
Having a baby is also just really, really hard. The more secure everything in your life is, including your relationship and other things, like your living situation, finances, etc., the easier it will be. You don't need to be rich and babies actually don't need much stuff at all, but they make life a lot harder. I've done a lot of hard things in my life, but being a parent is by far the hardest. It's not all cute clothes and playing with a baby. It's wonderful and rewarding, but it's also exhausting and it means you literally have no time for yourself at all (getting a shower used to be the most glorious luxury ever), and you don't have time for friends or going out or doing a lot of the fun things you can do when you don't have a child, and you will fight more with your partner in the first couple years than you ever have before. It's hard. Make sure life is as easy and stress-free as possible, so that when the added stresses of having a baby comes, you're ready to handle it because you've sorted everything else out first.
staralfur
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I agree with the above. I think you need to focus on yourself first. Are you unemployed because you're in school? If so, try to commit yourself to your schoolwork and use your graduation/getting a job as a timeline for starting to think about having a baby. If not, perhaps think about starting school or finding a job. Any job, even if it's not something that's necessarily appealing, will put you in a better place financially and also give you something to do with your time.
Also think really hard about if your boyfriend is someone you want to have a child with. I personally wouldn't be super excited about having a kid with someone who said they don't really want one but would have one to appease me. That's not a great attitude to have going into parenthood. You might get lucky and he'll be a great dad despite not really wanting to be one, but you might also end up with a partner that doesn't help out and resents you for his life changing because he didn't really want it to change in the first place.
I think maybe it's best to give yourself small goals that lead up to your big goal (having a baby). You said you feel like you're going nowhere in life so figure out what you can do to change that - having a baby is most definitely not the answer, it's something to consider once you already know where you're going. Take care of yourself and be the best person you can be BEFORE you commit yourself to putting someone else first.
Also think really hard about if your boyfriend is someone you want to have a child with. I personally wouldn't be super excited about having a kid with someone who said they don't really want one but would have one to appease me. That's not a great attitude to have going into parenthood. You might get lucky and he'll be a great dad despite not really wanting to be one, but you might also end up with a partner that doesn't help out and resents you for his life changing because he didn't really want it to change in the first place.
I think maybe it's best to give yourself small goals that lead up to your big goal (having a baby). You said you feel like you're going nowhere in life so figure out what you can do to change that - having a baby is most definitely not the answer, it's something to consider once you already know where you're going. Take care of yourself and be the best person you can be BEFORE you commit yourself to putting someone else first.
