Baby shower - BFF

[flagirlie7]

Hi all, my BFF is about 4 months along. When I first got the news I was pretty crushed, we have been trying forever (see siggie for details) and she's in a fairly new relationship really not wanting it now. Anyway with the help of my DH I kinda got over it (depends on the day). Last night we went for dinner (her, her BF, another good friend and me) and they announced it to her. Well lets just say most of the night revolved around baby names, pregnancies, baby showers etc. I felt uncomfortable. She mentioned the timing for baby shower in November. Well I was aware it'd happen eventually and it's still far away but after last night, I am not sure at all I could attend. If I felt so bad during the dinner how could I face all afternoon of this?? Please help. My DH feels I have a problem. He's been very supportive and optimistic but doesn't get this. He says she's my BF and I need to be happy.

 

[Charlei]

My best friend didn't even invite me to her shower because she knew my struggles. It might be hard, but you need to go. You've been trying for a while sure , certainly not what it'd consider forever, but that shouldn't keep you from attending her first child's shower. That's something that you'd never get to re do and I'm sure you'll want her there, and would be hurt if she didn't attend yours . I've since lost that friend , and her second child is about to turn two. It hurts to be left behind, but it hurts more to have not been there during her time.

 

[pbl_ge]

I don't know about you, but I can sometimes be okay with baby talk and baby stuff if that's the point of the social event. The dinner would have upset me because there was no reason the talk had to be all about babies, so you went out hoping to have a fun dinner and instead were completely left out by painful conversation.

You could prepare yourself well in advance for the shower, which I've found to be helpful. You could even give yourself an exit strategy (waiting on a phone call--might have to leave suddenly), so that if you were miserable you could ditch without offending anyone. You could be honest with your friend, if you want, but don't need to let the whole party know.

Just my two cents.

 

[flagirlie7]

Thanks ladies. Usually I'm ok with short convos with her, although she learned to keep the complaints to minimum! She knows my struggles all too well. Btw it's her first for them as a couple but her third overall!! Though her kids are older 9 and 11.

 

[ces2008]

Im sorry! I know how hard pregnancy announcements and baby showers can be! I feel for you

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

Hi all, my BFF is about 4 months along. When I first got the news I was pretty crushed, we have been trying forever (see siggie for details) and she's in a fairly new relationship really not wanting it now. Anyway with the help of my DH I kinda got over it (depends on the day). Last night we went for dinner (her, her BF, another good friend and me) and they announced it to her. Well lets just say most of the night revolved around baby names, pregnancies, baby showers etc. I felt uncomfortable. She mentioned the timing for baby shower in November. Well I was aware it'd happen eventually and it's still far away but after last night, I am not sure at all I could attend. If I felt so bad during the dinner how could I face all afternoon of this?? Please help. My DH feels I have a problem. He's been very supportive and optimistic but doesn't get this. He says she's my BF and I need to be happy.

Hi, I know how hard the news for a baby can be. I have past through it with my friend. I married 2006 and started trying for a baby at the and of 2007. My friend married 2009. Six months later she was pregnant. She told me when she was 3 month pregnant already with small belly. I had ever thought that this news would have broken my heart. But......I jumped and immediately put my hands on her belly. I was with her through all the pregnancy. The only moment that I felt not in place was when we were with other people with babies. My friend made everything possible to respect my feelings when we were together. And to make me feel at least a little bit better....I live far from her and the little boy now. But I love him like my own child. He is gorgeous. Little treasure.

I still feel bad when other people get pregnant. Everytime i cry with hours. I try not to but....that are my feelings...my live. My niece just a week a go had a daughter. The first baby in the family for 10 years and it was not me having it........when I understood she was pregnant I was happy for her and miserable for me.....

 

[CaliDreaming]

Pregnancy announcements and baby showers are definitely hard. It's a long time until the shower, so you have some time to process your thoughts and build up your will to get through it. I dealt with the same thing when my little bro and his wife got pregnant while I had been trying for #1 for months. The months leading up to the shower and the birth were torture, but I got through it somehow and it ended up not being nearly as bad as I had been imagining.

Remember, all you have to do is make an appearance to show support for your friend. You don't have to enjoy it, plan it, play all the games etc. If she's a true friend she'll understand how difficult it is for you and understand if you don't seem to be into the festivities while at the shower or need to leave early.

 

[popchick75]

My best friend got pregnant when I was in my 7th year trying. She told me in private before any sort of announcement was made. She knew I was happy for her, but she knew how much i was hurting too. She understood that I couldn't participate in a lot of the baby activities and had to step back from out friendship a little bit while she was pregnant. She got it. She didn't make me feel bad or guilty for my feelings. When we talked she only mentioned the pregnancy if i asked.

The truth is, infertility changes friendships and family relationships. It changes the way we interact and relate with each other. You can't keep them the same as they have been. I think we resist these changes and make an effort to keep things just as they are, but that just isn't always possible. Infertility is a life-changer. You have to accept the fact that things are just going to be different.

For me, the hardest part of the baby showers was always when gifts are opened. Go to the shower...bring a flower centerpiece, make fabulous cupcakes, etc, but talk to your friend in private beforehand and let her know that you want to be part of her day, but you are struggling. Be there and participate, but make a quiet exit before things get to be too much.

 

[longing]

I agree with mostly, if you feel you have the strength please go, I have seen people on here loose friendships because of distancing themselves from pregnant friends. I have two very close very best friends. One has 2 children now and the other has 1 and TTC no 2. I sometimes feel very sad (a really deep intense sadness) that I don't have what they have, and at times it can be very hard, BUT I absolutly love all of them and would not have my life without them. As for the baby shower, I was lucky that neither of them had a shower. If they did I think I too would find it really hard, but if you can, and good plan to have an exit strategy. 'I can't stay long because.....' And have a quiet word first if she doesn't already understand how hard it might be.

Just my thoughts xx

 

[ladyluck84]

My best friend had her baby shower a few weeks after my miscarriage and I she just presumed I wouldn't be going. She invited my sister and mum and out of respect for me they popped in with a gift but didn't stop. If she is a true friend she will understand how u are feeling

 

[flagirlie7]

Thanks everyone!! Just to add a few things: she told me very early on, at five weeks, in private. She's now 16 weeks. So I had plenty times to adjust but some days are just not good. Like now, after 3 failed IUI cycles and waiting for my RE appt not knowing what he's planning for us (I'm hoping iVF).

We work together. Yes every day for at least 8 hours in the same company (different offices but close). I talk to her a lot during the day and we go together to restroom quite a bit. The issue is that some days she just can't stop talking about all the baby stuff. Complaining about weight and pregnancy. I can't count how many times I said to her to please stop and that I'd do anything to be in her position. It's hard.

However if she controls herself or I can swiftly change the subject I can manage. When other people start talking to her right in front of me, that bugs me.

 

[MrstoMommy]

The same happened for me. We were at dinner when all of sudden, OH's mother in law announced her daughter was PG, appetite gone. Hubby did not understand why this upset me.
Then later at the house she said it again and announced a newly married couple is PG and due in December.
I went home and cried. I shut hubby out because he just doesn't understand. He had the nerve to say, that the daughter had been trying for awhile like that would make me happy.

 

[ladyluck84]

I hear from others 'yeah I know it's hard to hear but your happy for them right'......I know it makes me a horrible person but no I'm not happy at all!

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

Girls I have just understood that my tutor at university had become a father. He and his wife are over 40. I am happy for them because I can imagine that they had past through my path. But WHY I also feel this sharp pain in my heart. I want to know when I will have my baby in my hands.......

 

[hopefull85]

my bf is a rude, inconsiderate person. i try to not talk to her often. she never wants to take time to hear my side of this infertility. She has two kids and plans on having many more. and all she talks about is her her her. all i can say is if people dont care to take how you feel into consideration then dont be around them. i have come to the point that if someone tells me to relax, or calm down, or calls me selfish i stand up for myself to protect myself and i dont care who i lose in the end. its alot to deal with, without the added headache from people who dont know what you are going through and could care less about your feelings.

 

[ladyluck84]

I don't think that people who haven't been through it mean to be hurtful they just don't understand. I know when I was first pregnant I announced it to a friend who had lost in such a flippant way that it must have really hurt her. Now I have been through it twice I would never have done it like that. She is now pregnant again and it is me that hurts every time another person says they are pregnant.

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

Can we get rid of the pain? Most of the time I feel like half a person, like faulty........

 

[longing]

Can we get rid of the pain? Most of the time I feel like half a person, like faulty........

Exactly how I feel too

I just know one of my best friends is going to be pregnant again before me as she is now ttc no 2. I am lucky to have such lovely friends but it is still hard

 

[Prissypeachcb]

Bump

 

[ladyluck84]

I'm hoping when I have a baby in my arms I will be happier than I have ever been!